Good Morning Characters: Adam and Kyle Setting: Phone call, morning
Adam had slept fitfully, in and out of dreams, whimpering and making noises in his sleep. They were awful things, flashes of memories and worse. When he finally woke he was crying softly, gripping his pillow hard, body hurting from the dreams and how real they’d felt. For a long few minute he just lay there, waiting on tears to subside. When he finally got up he headed straight to the computer, rubbing at his face, feeling closed in on himself.
Kyle was still sleeping, finally having succumbed to exhaustion and, as a result, experiencing a rare full night's sleep. He was laid out on his front, head facing the computer, arms cuddling his pillow to his head. He looked younger than his years, and peaceful. After a moment or two, he snuggled lightly and shifted, turning onto his side.
That was definitely a special level of torture. Adam could watch that for ages. It was killing him not to be close, not to be able to get into bed with him, switching out that pillow for his chest. He wasn’t sure if that was acceptable, but it was where Adam wanted to be. He watched, head propped in his hand, wanting to wake Kyle for the comfort, but not ready to wake him up just yet.
There was no way Kyle could have known he was being watched, and yet he blinked his eyes open slowly. Sleepily. He immediately looked towards the monitor, yet the picture of Adam was gone, replaced by the short, blinking message. Not wanting to wake the other man if he was still sleeping, and not hearing anything which would suggest otherwise, Kyle hefted himself up out of bed and over to the computer.
Adam watched Kyle through the whole thing, rubbing at his cheek. Once Kyle was up he smiled. He’d gotten his own share of messages, including good news about his diabetes supplies, but he hadn’t really done more than just shut them down to watch Kyle instead. “Hey sleepy head.”
Kyle jumped, sending the mouse skittering across the table. He put a hand to his chest and took a couple of deep breaths before he trusted himself to say, "You're awake then," with a steady tone, lifting a brow for effect and pretending he had been this near to shrieking like a girl as well as jumping sky high.
Adam bit his lip against a smile, not wanting Kyle to thinking he was laughing at him. It wasn’t supposed to be funny, but just seeing Kyle made him smile. “Yeah it’s me. I don’t really sleep remember?” He wiped at his eyes again, pulling one knee up against his chest. “Did you have sweet dreams?”
Kyle pulled the mouse back and clicked until he got the camera feed showing Adam’s room back. “There you are,” he said with a quirked smile. “I don’t know if I dreamed or not. I… Think I just got more sleep than I have in years,” he admitted, feeling a pang of guilt that Adam couldn’t say the same thing. He brushed it away, however. “I’m sorry - I kinda fell asleep on you last night, didn’t I?”
"How do you not know if you dreamed?" Adam always knew. Even if they were good dreams. "Maybe, but it was okay. You were tired. And that was our plan right? Falling asleep on the phone."
“I… I guess I might have dreamed - I just don’t remember?” Kyle suggested, a little confused by Adam’s questioning. Enough so that he didn’t answer the rest.
"Huh," Adam said, canting his head to one side. "I always know. Even before..." He'd always been a vivid dreamer, they'd just taken on a morbid and dangerous tone.
Kyle shook his head. “I don’t always… I mean, sometimes I do. Sometimes I’ll wake up and I’m out of bed and sketching before I even know I’m awake. It’s generally only when I’m really deep that I don’t get at least something,” he explained.
"That makes me wish I could draw. I used to dream really cool stuff." Now it was mostly nightmares, but it might be easier to get them out of his head. Maybe it'd give Adam some sort of relief.
“Maybe you should just describe your dreams to me and I can draw them for you,” Kyle suggested, stretching, his limbs feeling like they needed it after his longer than normal sleep. “Maybe not today,” he yawned as he spoke. ”But sometime. You could look over my shoulder and tell me when I’m doing it wrong.”
Adam shook his head. "I wouldn't want to put you through that." They weren't good images. Not the dreams he remembered now. His eyes tracked Kyle in the monitor, hating the space between them. "Plus it's hard to look over your shoulder from over here." It was blurted, but sad underneath, as if he hadn't meant to say it or show that sort of emotion.
Kyle leaned forward, his elbows resting on the desk, his fingers linked, palms down, as he cradled his chin across them, looking into the monitor. “Exactly,” he said, tilting his head so that his right cheek rested atop his right wrist. “Not now. But, someday.” He was feeling rather more positive today. It was amazing what sleep would do for someone.
While Kyle was positive, Adam was riding the wave of nightmares, not quite free of them. "Yeah, someday next year or when we're out of here." He didn't want the space between them. He didn't want to feel so alone.
Kyle bit his bottom lip in between his teeth, not commenting on Adam’s presumption that they would be out of here within a year. He may be feeling positive, yet he doubted that was realistic. He refused to contradict the other man, however. Instead, he chose to change the subject. “Did they give you any word on your meds?” he asked.
It was more an assumption that they'd be separated that long, but Adam let Kyle change the subject. "Yeah, they messaged me today. There's stuff waiting for me by the elevator." Another sign that they weren't lifting this hold or letting him back in his old room any time soon.
Kyle grinned. "And you're still here, talking to me?" he teased. He gestured with his hand, keeping the other propping up his chin. "Go. Get your meds. We'll both feel better after you do."
Adam found a little smile. "I got distracted watching you sleep," he said, getting his jeans to pull them on. "I'll be back in a few," he said before heading out, towards the elevators.
Kyle took the opportunity to shower and change, possibly taking slightly more care over his appearance that normal. He shaved, and then he styled his hair, finally picking out his best outfit from the limited choice he had available. He was sat back in front of his computer, as though he had never left, by the time Adam returned.
The box was waiting by the elevator, everything Adam would need. He opened it up before leaving the cafeteria, looking through it and seeing what they’d given him. As always they were thorough, more than just supplies for his pump, but back up supplies, in case something went wrong. He waded through it, finding the insulin and deciding how much was there, before tossing the extra in the fridge. The rest he could keep in his room. Hefting the box, he took it back to his room, setting it on the bed and turning around to check on Kyle in the monitor. There was a moment of hesitation before he was leaning on the desk to look at the camera feed. “Did you fix your hair?” Because Kyle looked adorable, that kind of adorable that took a little bit of work. “Why are you...why are you even interested in me?”
Kyle blinked at the question, clearly surprised. He almost blew it off with a glib comment, but stopped himself. This was Adam, afterall. "What's not to be interested in? Don't answer that, by the way," he said, knowing Adam would take the chance to bring himself down. "My life feels better with you in it," he said seriously. Then he grinned impishly and added, "Plus, you're stupidly hot. That doesn't hurt anything."
The answer to being considered hot, was easy, but the first part, the serious part, that made Adam sit down. "Mine feels better with you in it too, but I was worried that was just me." He smiled softly for a moment, then shook his head. "And I am not stupidly hot." He was comfortable in his own skin, not ashamed of anything beyond the scars from his insulin pump, but he didn't think of himself as attractive. "Plus, I'm a bit of a mess compared to you."
Kyle gave the screen a serious look. "A - what do I actually have to do to make you understand that you're important to me?" he asked, seriously. "Because I'm starting to think that you're never going to believe me. And that... The idea of that, that you don't believe me when I say stuff, when I do stuff that pretty much telegraphs to everyone who knows us that you're a vital part of my life... That hurts. It's not just you. It's never going to be 'just you'." He leaned back in his desk chair, sitting up straight, crossing one leg over the other and assuming a faux-hauty position, though there was the barest twitch of a an amused smile on his fact. "Just accept it. Accept what I say, and that I'm just right. About this, about you being hot, about... Everything, really. Including the fact that you're only a mess compared to me right now because I was primping while you were getting essential medical supplies." He dropped the assumed positioning. "...They did give you what you needed, right?" he checked, in a far more normal tone.
Adam shook his head. "I worried for a while that I made things worse. I know you care, just like you know I do. But for a while there I worried I made it worse. And I believe you. I just needed to hear it." He caught that little but of a smile, shaking his head again. "You know how to primp. I don't. So," he pointed to himself, "mess." He grinned and nodded towards the box. "Everything. Enough to make me worry they aren't opening that clinic any time soon."
Kyle rolled his eyes. “You don’t need to primp. I do. There’s your difference. You look fine. Well… Aside from the fact that you needed a wardrobe remodel. But that’s been a pleasant and unexpected side effect of you losing your room,” Kyle said, lightly. “I like what you’re doing with your hair though - it’s less… Military buzz cut now. I approve.”
"So you prefer Chuck's clothes?" Adam asked, half rolling his eyes. "You eventually were going to revamp my wardrobe. I knew it. You knew it." He ran his fingers through his hair and shrugged, "It was longer than this when I got arrested. But it was short after it got..." Adam trailed off. Not wanting to go into that. "You don't need to primp. You have no idea how adorable your bed head is."
“I prefer his clothes on you. You’re not swathed in far too much fabric. It’s a vast improvement. And, yes, saves me some time.” Kyle paused then continued. “I wouldn’t, y’know, have revamped your wardrobe. Not if you were uncomfortable with it. Or happy with where you were. I don’t want to change you. I don’t want to make you into something else. I want you to be you.” Kyle said nothing about his own appearance, or status as ‘adorable’. As usual, he simply avoided something that he didn’t quite know how to respond to.
Adam looked at his clothes, which at the moment were still just a pair of jeans. "I'm not really attached to what I wear. It's comfortable, but not like...a statement of me. I would have let you change it if you wanted to. Or make suggestions or whatever. Just so long as it was still comfortable, I'd be fine." He was still getting used to the shirts that fit better, feeling more like his things didn't fit than that they were uncomfortable to wear. "I expected you to not like the bed head comment." Since Kyle hasn't said anything, Adam assumed he was far enough from pleased to drop it.
Kyle winced a little as he was called on having not answered the compliment. He shrugged a shoulder. “It’s not that I didn’t like it…” he said, slowly, apologetically.
"But?" Adam said, assuming that was coming next.
Kyle looked uncomfortable for a moment, a air of vulnerability coming through as he seemed to retract in on himself a little. “I guess that, no. I’ve never thought of myself as any kind of adorable. Or anything else,” he admitted. Sure, he talked a good game, but he wasn’t that body confident at all when it got right down to it.
Adam raised an eyebrow at the double standard. He was supposed to believe, but Kyle didn't. "Well neither have I, but apparently I'm wrong," he told Kyle with a smile. "You are though. All those things, adorable, sexy, hot." He ticked the adjectives off on fingers.
That raised a bashful smile from the artist. "Okay," he agreed, accepting the compliment. "I guess then it's like... I don't know how to react to that. Not in a bad way or anything!" he hastened to explain. "It's just... I don't even know. Maybe that I'm not used to hearing that kind of thing from people whose opinion actually matters to me."
"Well if I was there I could show you," Adam said. Or he could try. He had a feeling he'd get half a step into things before he realized he had no idea what he was doing. "Should I not say them?"
"No! I mean, no - you can say them. I just... Just because maybe I don't acknowledge that you've said them... it doesn't mean they're not nice to hear. I just, I don't know how to respond without going all 'arrogant artist' on you. And that's never a good look."
"You can blush and nod. I like that look," Adam said before taking a deep breath. "I just don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"You don't make me uncomfortable," Kyle assured him. "You make me... I don't know how to put it. To say you make me feel less confident would be wrong, because that makes it sound like a bad thing. Which it's not, and you don't. I just... with most people, I don't really give a damn what they think of me. So I don't really think on what they think of me. Like I would know that people who gave me compliments just wanted something, and all I needed to decide was where I would give it to them or not. It never occurred to me to be concerned as to whether they were being truthful. It's different with you."
"Well I'm a shitty liar," Adam reassured. "I mean it. And I don't want anything from you. Well, nothing like that. Nothing needing but you know...you."
"And you don't need me, remember," Kyle teased, finally breaking into a smile as he reminded Adam of his comment from the journals several days ago.
"That's different. And it doesn't make the want to away." Adam stuck his tongue out at the camera.
"I'm good with want," Kyle told him. "I don't need 'need'. Really... The idea of someone 'needing' me kinda freaks me out. It's not healthy. I liked it when you told me you didn't need me." Of course, it had also served to make the rest of it hurt all the more, but he didn't mention that part.
"It can be good. But it's not always good." Adam had been in a needy relationship. It hasn't always been bad. "I also don't need you to be anything else. That was what you said, that you couldn't be what I needed. I didn't need that. I wanted that. This." There was a hesitation where Adam bit at his lip. "Us."
Kyle caught the hesitation and found himself mirroring the look, worrying his lip between his teeth in much the same way. "I'm trying to be what you want. What I want too, in the moments when I'm not being terrified and in a blind panic that I'm going to completely fuck this up," he admitted. He doubted the fear was going away anytime soon.
"It's not a what Ky. If you want this the that's enough." And if not Adam might consider shutting down completely. "Do you know how much you'd have to fuck up to really, really screw us up?"
"Last time I had anyone even approaching a best friend - never mind anything more - I killed him. I'm pretty sure I'm capable of screwing thing up, even when I don't mean to," Kyle pointed out. He was afraid of all the things he wouldn't see coming.
"It'd have to come to that. Me being dead. It's silly to tell you to stop worrying because I know you won't but know you'd have to do something that bad. And even then I'd probably still forgive you and just hang out as a ghost if you didn't mean it." Adam smiled, hoping Kyle took the joke.
"Not funny, Adam," Kyle said, not joining in with the joke. He knew how the other man meant it, but he just couldn't. He shook himself, bringing himself back together again. "Sorry, I just... It's just going to very a process, I guess. Everything. I mentioned slow, right?"
"Sorry." Adam frowned, feeling bad. "Slow's okay Ky. I mean...I don't even know what I like. But just know...it'll take a lot."
"Don't make promises, A. Either this works, or it doesn't." Which made it seem so simple, and not at all the scary, high stakes, 'I could lose my best friend' situation that it actually was. As though it were nothing all that serious.
"It's not some empty promise Ky, it's who I am." He didn't like when Kyle broke it down like that. It made it sound like there was no feeling behind it.
"Don't say that, A," Kyle said, with feeling. "I don't - I can't - I don't want to do that to you. To know that you'll hold on, no matter what? No matter how I screw things up, or what I put you through? Neither of us deserves that."
Adam shook his head. "It means I care enough to not let the small stuff rip us apart." He probably had a line, he just wasn't sure what it was and he hoped he didn't find it.
Kyle laughed a little at that. "A, there's a huge difference between 'the small stuff' and declaring that you'll be around unless I kill you! And here was I thinking that I was the over dramatic one!!"
"You were the one that said it could come to that!" Adam shook his head. "It's the small stuff, but...I care Kyle. And I think we can work through anything."
"I didn't say it would come to that! I wouldn't - God, A - I'd never..." Kyle said, blanching at the thought. "I just meant - oh hell... I shouldn't talk." He took a breath before continuing. "I care too," he said, deciding to leave it at that. Simplicity, where they couldn't get things twisted around.
Adam watched Kyle for a long moment. "You should talk. And you aren't going to screw things up." He smiled a little then went for the box of supplies, pulling out what he needed to change his pump site.
Kyle watched as Adam fiddled with the box, letting that be the only sound for a few minutes before he spoke. "You don't know that. I might screw this up. You might screw this up. Anything could happen. And don't say you won't let me. That I can't, because you'll be on some kind of guard against it. You can't guarantee things, Adam. I don't want you to feel like you have to. All I want to say is what you already know - that this whole thing... I want to do this, but it scares me. And I'm going to do it anyway. But, you asked for the truth from me, so you're getting that."
Adam set aside what he needed, starting the process of changing his site until Kyle spoke. Then he was looking back at the monitor, and going to sit at his desk again. "I know you're scared. But...it almost sounds like you've doomed us before we started. And I get more scared that I'm pushing you than I am about things going wrong."
Kyle cringed. "No - it's not that. I'm just... Not dooming. I just - I just want to see how things go, without any pressure or expectations. You're not pushing me. I won't let you push me, I promise. I want this to work, A. I really do."
Adam couldn't stop himself from reaching out to touch the monitor and distantly Kyle. "I wish I was there. This would be easier if I could hug you."
Kyle sat and watched him do that, laughing a little. Just seeing that gesture made him feel better. “I know. It really would be. Maybe they’ll change their mind sometime. Maybe even soon. They don’t have the best track record for keeping with things consistently.”
Adam felt himself blushing and looked away. He got the laughter, and he was glad Kyle was smiling, but it was still a little embarrassing. "God I hope so. It's not just you, but Wren and now Mazie..." Who he still needed to message and make sure she was okay.
Kyle figured that, when you looked at the scheme of things, he’d gotten the better end of the deal. At least the other people he counted as friends were all here. Adam was the only person he had really lost. “I’m keeping an eye on them for you,” he promised.
Adam quirked a small smile. "I know you are." He let out a sigh and got up again, going back to fixing his pump. "What're you doing today?"
Kyle considered the question. “I don’t know - I think I need to get out,” he said, thoughtfully. “I’ve been giving in to my hermit-like tendencies lately and I need to stop that. Maybe I’ll take Wren out for lunch - make a picnic or something. How about you?” he asked.
Adam shrugged. "I guess I should go out there and meet people. Might try and see Autumn." He sadly didn't have much else to do. "Will I get picnics?"
“Would you like to get picnics?” Kyle responded, without missing a beat.
Adam thought about it, then nodded. "Yeah. I would."
“Then you’ll get picnics,” Kyle promised, with a smile.
"That easy?" Adam asked as he hiked his jeans down slightly to pull out the old site from his back hip. Then he was focused on the front, finding a spot on his hip to put the new site. "What do you want?"
Kyle realised he had been asked a question - he had been somewhat distracted, watching Adam. “What do you mean, ‘What do I want’?” he asked.
Adam shrugged. "Like picnics or whatever." He inserted the new site, then fixed his jeans and reattached the pump. "Stuff like that."
"I... Don't really know," Kyle admitted, as though this were the first time he'd thought about it. "Whatever you'd want to give me? I, erm - I probably wouldn't encourage me to think about it. I'd probably get really demanding," he teased.
"Yeah and I can get carried away," Adam said before grabbing a shirt and pulling it on. "I guess...think about it. I can think too, but it'd be nice to do something special that you actually like."
Kyle nodded. “That’d be nice. I’ll think about it. Same with you though - we can do something special that you’d like too. Find things we both like.” He paused, then added. “I like that shirt, though if you had more wardrobe choice, I wouldn’t suggest wearing it with those pants. As it is though, it’s fine.”
"That'd be nice right?" Adam smiled but it faded when Kyle commented on his shirt. "It looks bad?"
“Not bad, no,” Kyle assured him. “Just that the colours look a little off, that’s all. But you’re hardly in a high fashion environment. I doubt anyone else would notice.” He noticed the way Adam’s smile faded. “It’s really not a big thing, A. Seriously. You look fine.”
Adam looked at his clothes and made a face, then went to find another shirt. He had a few others. "See? I don't even know about these things."
“Adam!” Kyle called after him. “Leave the shirt - it’s not a show! You don’t need to be some kind of a fashion plate.” He paused, then added, “I’d wear it! I didn't mean you should go get changed.”
Adam dug through Charlie's things until he found something white, which he assumed was safe and then went about switching shirts. "I'd rather not look like an idiot," he pointed out. "Especially when you look like you do."
“You don’t look like an idiot, A!” Kyle said, sounding exasperated. He hadn’t meant it like that - it had just been a throwaway comment. He really should never speak. “And ‘when I look like I do’? You know half the time what I look like is ‘covered in paint’, right? And usually not in that ‘I painted myself an angel and had abs for the first time ever because I got into shading with the grey’ kind of a way.”
"But this is better yeah?" Adam asked. "Look at you now! This is not covered in paint. And covered in paint you still look good. Also, you have abs. What are you even talking about."'
“Yes - look at me now. Which is me making a special effort for this cute guy I’m into. Who, may I say, has a far better body than I do - not that I’m intending to get into the habit of comparing us!” he exclaimed, hurriedly. He sighed, giving up. “But, yes - that shirt’s better.”
Adam couldn't help the stupidly large grin on his face. "Then this is me trying for the fashion forward adorable guy I'm into. And if you think I have a good body, that's all the motivation I need to work out."
Kyle knew that the 'fashion forward guy' wasn't all that concerned with physical appearance, for all that he was an artist, but he was learning to be careful about what he said to Adam, when. "Well, then maybe I'll have to make sure to stay tuned. Catch me some sweaty Adam," he teased instead.
Adam cocked one eyebrow at Kyle's image. "So that's what you're into?" He asked, clearly teasing.
"I don't know. I guess I'll just have to experience it and find out..." Kyle countered, his eyes sparkling.
Adam laughed, feeling his cheeks heat up again. "I'll have to see to it happening." It wasn't a bad way to kill time either.
"And I think that's my cue to leave," Kyle commented. "Go start preparing for this picnic plan."
Adam nodded. "I gotta go find Autumn." He hesitated. "Call later if you want."
"Sounds good. Later then?" Kyle checked.
Adam nodded. "Of course." He wanted to add something else but things like "baby" fell off Kyle's tongue better than his.
"Talk to you then," Kyle said, before shutting down the link and heading out with a smile on his face.