Mazie | LORE (_lore_) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2013-08-10 08:45:00 |
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Entry tags: | autumn, autumn and mazie, day twenty-one, mazie |
Crash
Who: Autumn and Mazie
When:Late afternoon/ Early evening
Where: Autumn's room
This day was already starting off too strangely. She knew where Autumn was since she’d seen her thread with Jim, which was partially why she wanted to see Autumn right now. That was...flirty. Real flirty. And Mazie didn’t like it. But mostly she just wanted to see Autumn, to have some sort of normalcy in this really shitty day where there was strange flirting and her missing computers. It had dawned on her that everything she couldn’t get, Autumn couldn’t get either, so those paper flowers she’d made and probably even that mix of songs she’d made for Autumn were gone. Sighing, she knocked on Autumn’s door, feeling strange since it used to be Jim’s door but was now Autumn’s. “Just all sorts of weird...” She murmured to herself.
Autumn was still in Jim's flannel shirt, it mostly buttoned up but not fully, as she went to get the door. When she saw Mazie, she beamed, bouncing on her feet. "There's my girl!" she said, reaching out to tug her inside for a kiss. "I've had an amazing day. How are you?" she said, twirling Mazie around a little, her good mood just permeating her whole day and attitude.
It was comforting to see Autumn so happy, but Mazie just really didn't understand it. How was she so happy about all of this? They'd been uprooted, changed, and now both of them were devoid of their things. Except now Autumn had a whole room full of dude stuff to her own devices. "Not at all as good as you, I guess." She said after the kiss. Mostly she just watched Autumn, trying to figure out how to share in whatever that happiness meant but she just wasn't there. "Why was your day so good?"
Autumn went and flopped on the bed. "God, the guy who lived here? He's amazing! You'd love him!" she said, excited to share with Mazie. "And, I need to talk to you about that, actually, I swear if things hadn't gone so well I would have done it first, but you know how things go..." she said. "But seriously, Mazie, he's awesome. You should see if you can take him for a test drive too, because it's so worth it. But it was so fun to meet someone new, and it’s nice to do something different, I’m sorry your day hasn’t been good and that your computers are gone...”
Mazie didn't follow. She stood just steps into the room and listened to Autumn as she spoke, her face slowly screwing into a frown. "I know who lived here. Jim lived here. Jim is my friend. Jim and Rusty and me…What are you talking about?" She asked, eyes unblinkingly on Autumn as she waited for an explanation. Logically she maybe could piece together something from the information Autumn was giving now and pairing it with the journal post, but her mind wasn't letting that happen.
"He's your friend?" Autumn blinked. "...oh! So this is who you disappear with? Well that's cool, I'm glad you already know him then." she said. Though it did sort of point out to her that Mazie didn't really talk about her other friends much. While aware she had them, clearly she didn't even know their names, beyond Adam. "And..." she paused, assessing Mazie. "...you're not going to take this well, are you. God, I'm sorry." she said, honestly feeling really bad in that moment. She honestly hadn't thought about Mazie reacting poorly, it wasn't anything she considered at all. Not because she didn't care, or anything like that, she'd just thought it would be okay. But judging from Mazie's stance, her tone, everything else, she looked a little like the rug had been pulled out from beneath her, and that hadn't been Autumn's intention. “We never said ‘exclusive’...” she said. Which, really, would have been a conversation she would have probably had different opinions on. Shit. This wasn’t good.
Mazie felt sick to her stomach as those words registered. They'd never said exclusive? Wasn't that implied? It sure as hell had been implied for Mazie, because there was only Autumn and she wasn't jonesing at the chance to jump into bed with Jim. But hearing it like that really fucking hurt.
Part of her didn't want to be mad. Part of her was trying to piece together the information she'd received from Autumn at the very start, about why she was here and what that might mean in this instance, but that was the logical, mechanical part of her. The human part just fucking hurt and it showed despite how much she tried not to let it. This was Autumn and she'd apparently gotten a test drive out of Glitch of all fucking people. And now they were talking about it and about how it might be sort of Mazie's fault because they'd never said exclusive?! "Yeah, well, we never said a lot of shit but I didn't think you'd go for Glitch."
Autumn leaned back against the headboard, looking at Mazie. "I didn't know you guys even knew each other. He obviously didn't know who I was either." she said--not an excuse, just a statement. Because it was true, they'd gone in blind, neither of them, as far as Autumn knew, knew about each other. "I'm sorry," she stressed. "I didn't think you'd be upset. I--this is how I am, how things are with me, it's normal for me. I told you about my parents, what I do..." she trailed off. "I didn't want to hurt you." she said. Then she paused. "...wait is this just about who it was with? You're offended that it was ...'glitch'?" she asked testing the name.
"No!…Maybe, I don't know," Mazie said, her voice higher, louder, than she wanted it to be. She slunk to the floor, back against the wall right beside the door, because she needed to think. She couldn't sit next to Autumn and do that.
She wasn't offended, that wasn't the right word. She was…something else. Maybe a lot of things, all at once, but something other than offended. Yeah, it sucked that it was Glitch, but it kinda sucked that this was happening at all right now. Her mind wasn't processing this well, because the not-exclusive thing didn't really make sense to her. They'd been exclusive since the first kiss, for Mazie. "…We never talked about this, Autumn…Not for us. You told me about your parents, you told me what you did or do or whatever, but we never talked about us like that..." She was doing her best to keep her cool, to not lash out and smack Autumn with angry, hurtful words, but they were bubbling up inside of her in a way she didn't know if she could contain. “....Do you want him again?”
Autumn could tell Mazie was holding back and she appreciated. She didn't want to make things worse either. "I am sorry. To me, sex is...sex. I'm a woman built to have multiple partners. I always have. It doesn't mean I'm not emotionally committed to you. I am." she said softly.
The final question had her drawing a breath. She didn't want to lie. She wouldn't lie. She hadn't since they met. "Yes. I know we only scratched the surface."
Yeah, this conversation was bad. Just all kinds of fucking bad, all around. How the fuck was she separating the two things? Mazie didn't feel like it was separate. Mazie wanted to be emotionally committed and exclusive. That was what people did, right? Her mind was swirling with thoughts but she kept her head down to try and keep herself from blowing up. And even if she left, she'd go back to a room without her computers, without all her work, and just stare at the wall instead of staring at Autumn's floor. "You should have talked to me about this first, Autumn. We should have talked about this!" She said, voice finally raising. And she wanted to screw Glitch again…but Mazie wasn't sure she was going to let that happen. "I don't... You didn't even think about me when you were about to have sex with him?! You didn't think, 'Oh, hey, maybe I should talk to Mazie about this first'?"
"It wasn't about you." Autumn said, which was true. It had had nothing to do with Mazie. Not their relationship, not anything at all, there. It had been about the electricity between Autumn and Jim. "You're right, we should have. But we never did. Just like I honestly didn't even know this guy knew you, and he didn't know me. Which is fine if that's how you want to compartmentalize your life, it's your life. I compartmentalize other ways. And no, I didn't think about talking to you first, not in the heat of the moment, not when it didn't occur to me that it would be a problem and again, it wasn't about you." She watched Mazie, feeling terrible, still. "Mazie, I didn't mean to hurt you, and for the...I don't know how many-th time, I'm sorry. And I understand why you're upset. So, if you want to stop holding back? Which I know you're doing--you can." she invited.
Wow. She hadn't even thought of Mazie? The thought hadn't even passed her mind. Wow. "That is not fucking fair, Autumn! Yeah I didn't tell you, because when I was with you I didn't want to think about anyone outside of you!" She shook her head. "Just because you say you're sorry doesn't mean that this doesn't fucking hurt! Because it does! It hurts and it mixes with this really awful, confusing crap in my head and I don't want to yell at you but this sucks! You should have talked to me about this first."
Shaking her head, she stood up and found herself itching to take the steps toward the door. Her first relationship and here Autumn was, having sex with a dude. It wasn't like she even had dude parts to offer.
"It was a comparison, not a shot at you. I said it to point out that we both compartmentalize things," Autumn said, not sure how else she could put it. "And if that's true than you're like me in that--thinking about who you're with, not everyone else." She watched Mazie and felt a little sick when she got up. That was one step closer to leaving--even if she imagined Mazie would need some space. "I'm sure it does hurt, and I'm not trying to get out of you being upset with me, I get it. I really do. You're entitled to it. It's perfectly justified, and you're right."
"No…you know what, Autumn, no. Just…don't say shit like that! It sounds like you're trying to pacify me or something! And I'm mad! This is a mad conversation!" She said, pushing her hands in between the two of them back and forth to indicate it. "And right now it's just me yelling at you, which fucking sucks too!" She shook her head again, not sure what to do.
She did need to leave. She needed to clear her head and get shit together and have it make sense so she could stop screaming at Autumn, but more than that she really did just want to yell. She wanted to yell and be angry, but with Autumn's apologetic nature it made Mazie feel like her anger wasn't warranted and that sucked too. All of this sucks. "I gotta go…"
"I'm not." Autumn insisted, but in the end she fell quiet, letting Mazie yell. When she went to leave, Autumn sat forward, wanting to stop her, but she knew she didn't have much right. "...if that's what you need to do."
"I don't know what I need to do, Autumn! My girlfriend just had sex with my friend and I'm really fucking confused about it! I don't want to be mad, I don't want to be hurt, but I am and I don't want to sit here and watch you in his shirt while I'm trying to figure this out." It was all a whole hell of a lot to process, whether or not she'd been fairly warned before.
I don't really have anything else to wear. Autumn thought, but she didn't say. It wouldn't help matters. It was irrelevant. "You need space." she said. "I respect that."
That was what this came down to, wasn't it? Needing space. Needing space so much that Mazie really was taking steps to the door. She couldn't stand here and think about this anymore, she needed to do that somewhere else. Somewhere neutral, where she could get her head around this and stop thinking of Autumn it Jim’s fucking shirt and nothing else. "Yeah, I do. I need time. This is a whole hell of a lot and I gotta think…" She said, turning from Autumn to put her hand on the door's handle and pull it open.
Autumn wanted to say something, but she didn’t have words. She could apologize again, but she knew it wouldn’t really help, and Mazie knew it already. So...she just nodded, and watched Mazie go, even if she didn’t want her to. In the end, she knew it was the best she could do, in a situation she wasn’t sure how to handle.