From Bad To Worse
Characters: Autumn and Adam Setting: Autumn's room, midday
Adam waited all of two minutes before he got up to head to Autumn's. He wasn't doing much of anything anyway. He'd changed, but not showered, not quite having the strength for that, no matter how safe his own shower was, but at least he wasn't dressed like half a knight. Plus if he met with Autumn he might miss the message from Ru and he wasn't sure he was ready to speak with her yet. Not until he felt like it wasn't written all over his face that he was a damn disaster. So it was right to Autumn's, knocking on the door and waiting for her to let him in.
After the night with Mazie, Autumn was at least physically relaxed. Though she knew she was going to be facing up everything else going on, which she'd already shot out messages to get to. The sooner the better. When the knock came on her door, she got up to open it, giving Adam a small smile as she did so. "Hey," she greeted.
"Hey," he answered, frowning at her small smile. "You okay?" It was easier to focus on Autumn than the whole host of issues he had bubbling under his surface. Maybe he could get her to talk and they could skip his all together. Not at all reasonable, and not like Autumn at all, but that didn't make the thought disappear. And he was genuinely worried.
"I'm fine." she told him. "Worried about you, and that whole...situation." she said. "I thought I'd talk to people, see what's going on." she told him. "Are you good to discuss the events of last night?"
Adam felt a pang at being part of the reason why Autumn was less that happy and despite not wanting to talk about things, he wound up nodding. "Yeah, sure."
Autumn took a seat on the couch, and kept her eyes on him. "Start wherever." she invited. That would be easiest. Adam wouldn't feel pressured to pick out any one thing to focus on, he could just do things on his own in his own time.
Adam would have preferred a little direction, maybe so he'd know just what part of it she wanted to talk about, but he guessed he wasn't getting it. Shutting the door behind him he went towards her desk across from her unlike next to her where he might normally go. "Um, Kyle and I got in a fight. Because I was stupid. I guess. I mean yeah, I was stupid, but him getting pissed like that feels...unfair. At least for our situation."
"Explain the 'stupid'." Autumn said. Even if she knew what it was, she wanted to know how Adam said it, and she knew she didn't have the whole story or anything. She needed Adam to fill her in.
He could feel himself start to fidget, just like he had before. It wasn’t until it had started again that he realized he’d stopped doing it as much as he had when he’d first arrived. Nonetheless he was chewing on the callouses on his fingers, knee bouncing slightly as she asked him to explain. “I met this girl...woman...Ru. And she was talking about how hot I was and yeah I got a little jealous seeing Kyle with Zach who had Kyle’s handiwork painted all over his chest and they were dancing and shit and Ru figured it out. So she suggested I give him something to notice, maybe get jealous about, and bonus she actually wanted to kiss me and more so...we did. Right in front of Kyle. Which was a dick move. I know. But I was a little drunk and she kept saying it’d start sparks and I guess I just wanted him to notice me. Instead I just pissed him off. And he left and I swear I thought he left with Zach because Zach followed him and then never came back and...” Adam realized he was rambling and cut himself off to catch his breath, chewing on his lip for a moment. “Then I went home with Ru. Which was...doubly stupid.”
"Everyone does things like making out with someone they maybe shouldn't now and then. You can quit beating yourself up for being human, hon." Autumn said first. "You did this just to make Kyle jealous, and you liked how she made you feel? Did you like her at all?"
Adam shrugged a little. “I had a good time,” he said. “I really did. She’s pretty and god she’s a good kisser. The whole thing was good. I had a good time.” Adam bit at his lip again, picking at his fingers. “I wanted to see if he would be. He was but not quite the way I expected. I thought maybe he’d think about wanting me instead and he went more...I dunno...jealous boyfriend.” Adam sighed and looked at Autumn. “And I had a good time but after...I sort of lost it. So apparently I’m massively broken.”
"Lost it how?" Autumn asked. She might have added more, but she didn't want to interrupt his flow.
His knee was practically vibrating. “I couldn’t sleep there. It’s fine with Wren or Kyle, but I don’t know her. And I’m not gonna have a nightmare or stay up all night. So I left. And then...it was flashing back. I could see her, Ru, dead in my head like the pictures they showed me of Ella when they arrested me. And then it was prison again and what happened and...it was bad. I threw up. I dunno.” He stopped, chewing on his lip. “Then Kyle and I got into a shouting match.”
And that's partially why I have been really saying over and over that getting into a relationship at all for you is a terrible idea... went through Autumn's head. "Go on." she encouraged.
Adam bit at his fingers again, not wanting to go into the fight. “He was mad at me for seeing me kiss Ru. Said I was rubbing his face in it. That it wasn’t fair. And then he accused me of not really feeling the way I feel about him.” The was a small pause. “No, not that. He’s afraid of it. Which you know...sucked.” Adam shook his head. “I don’t get it. What if...I mean how is that fair? I can’t be with him, it’s the last thing in the world he wants, but he can’t stand seeing me with someone else? I told him it sounds like he’s asking me to wait for him.”
"What did he say?" she asked.
There was a clear hesitation. “He said no. That he shouldn’t be a factor if I wanted to be with someone else, but he got pissed because he saw it. How am I supposed to find someone else knowing he’s going to get like that? It’s like he’d rather I find someone else to be interested in, even if it’s not a thing, but then I just see the future. If I could get there. If I found someone else and wasn’t just being stupid for a night, he’s going to be all bitchy.”
Autumn's fears were starting to swirl together with all of this. No one was going to wind up liking what she had to say. She didn't like it so much either, but from her position? Jesus. "What didn't you say?"
Adam shook his head. “Nothing,” he said scuffing his toe against the floor. “I just don’t get the answer. I told him that. That it’s fine for him to say no, but he isn’t acting like it’s no. And it’s not fun to talk about.”
"What sort of note did you two land on?" Autumn asked.
“We stopped screaming at each other,” Adam said with a sigh. “I think...maybe we understand each other. I think he’s still mad at me. I’m still upset with him.” Not as much as he had been when they were yelling, but there was still a little anger in Adam’s system over it. “I know I screwed a bunch of things up. I got that. I just don’t think I’m the only one.”
Autumn was silent for a long moment. She agreed with that sentiment. That Adam had fucked a couple things up, but she didn't think everything he was claiming blame for was really a screw up. And yeah, Kyle wasn't helping things either. She looked at Adam, and her expression was sad.
Adam caught that look and he wound up pulling out her chair to sink into it, head in his hands. “I know. I know. And...” He made a frustrated noise. “I hated that I enjoyed it. When I was with her. I did enjoy it and by morning I hated myself for liking it.”
"Why do you hate that you enjoyed it?" Autumn asked. "Why are you beating yourself up for enjoying something pretty much everyone in the world loves? It's normal to enjoy it."
Adam didn’t look up when she asked that. “Because it screwed me up so bad. Because Kyle got so pissed at me. He made me feel like I was cheating on him.”
And that was the nail in the coffin, really. Part of the root of the problem. The emotional commitment issue, even if there was no relationship. "Well, you weren't. You need to accept that you weren't. And sharing something fun with something else shouldn't wind up being a terrible thing. You said you felt sick afterwards and were thinking about the crime that--let's remember again--you didn't commit. What's playing in the most? That, or the stuff with Kyle?"
“I don’t think he sees that. I think he talks it, but it’s not how he acts.” And it was confusing as hell. Adam looked up at her, barely peeking over his fingers. “I know I didn’t do it Autumn, but...it’s there. In my head. My mind filled in gaps in my memory. The last girl I had sex with before Ru wound up dead...” He looked at his palms, quiet for a long moment. “The Kyle part is why I feel shitty about it. The not being able to handle touch right now is not helping matters, but I could get over that. Talk myself off that ledge, but I can’t take back pissing Kyle off like I did.”
Taking a deep breath, Autumn let it out slowly before she spoke. "Adam, I know you're not going to like hearing this, but I think you and Kyle need to back away from each other for at the very least a little while."
“Autumn,” Adam started, the protest coming before he could even process what she was saying. Back away? From his best friend? Then what? What did he do then? After a moment it sunk in and he knew he’d thought the same thing. Leaving Kyle, he’d considered it himself, maybe just staying away so he wouldn’t cause more problems. “So I stop messing everything up...”
"No." Autumn said immediately. "And stop that. Remember when we talked about how if you assume everything is your fault all the time that it's a hugely self centered point of view? You're doing this again. I'm not saying this because it's all about you. I'm saying this because..." she sighed, and sat forward, looking at him.
"Sweetie when we started this, it was because you have issues with intimacy. Which we started working on, and all that, and honestly? It's turned into couple's counseling. Today's the first mention of the actual issue you wanted to work out in ages. And it was said in the same breath as 'I could get over that'. But things with Kyle? They're blowing up every other day. And it isn't just you. You, from my point of view, cannot emotionally handle just being friends. What you were just saying to me sounds a hell of a lot like you're committed to him, without there being an actual relationship. To the point where you actually did have a good time with someone else, then felt like shit the next day because it feels like you cheated when you really haven't. That's...you're never going to be able to get to the proper friends place if that's where you're starting." she said.
"And Kyle's role in it...he's not helping either. Because it isn't fair if he tells you over and again that he isn't interested, but then behaves as if you aren't allowed to have a good time at a party with someone else. Like you should hide it, or something. That isn't even remotely okay to toss that into the ring, when he denies every semblance of a relationship with you too. I adore you both. But what I see here is a toxic relationship."
Adam felt his insides knot up, not able to speak again for a long few moments. “I didn’t feel that way until I got his note. I thought he’d gone home with Zach which I figured meant, he’s doing his thing and that sucked, but I could have fun too right?” Adam waved his hand out then covered his face with both of them again. “I don’t want to stop. Autumn...there’s never been anyone who’s cared about me like he does. It can’t be all bad. If that’s bad...I don’t even know what good is.”
"You're still saying you're emotionally committed to him." Autumn said. "And it doesn't change the fact that you two just keep winding up here. Where you're both distraught, and things are a mess. It's very obvious to me neither of you can handle things. Not really. You want to, but can't. And because you can't, this is unhealthy for you both. I know you don't want to stop. I know you both care about each other. But you both wouldn't wind up in crazy panic situations and screaming matches all the time if it was positive. You're so consumed with him and that relationship that you don't even notice that you still need to work on your other issues. You've stopped. Stagnated. And to concentrate on a relationship that you can't have, and is only causing you pain on a constant basis."
Adam went back to chewing on his fingers. He could feel tears rising up but he forced himself to swallow them back. He wasn’t going to cry over Kyle. Not when Autumn was saying it was bad for him. “So...just stop seeing him? All together?” He wasn’t sure how this went, but he was listening, that was obvious in the tone of his voice. He wasn’t second guessing her, but asking for direction, for how to do what she was asking of him. “I want to get better Autumn. Maybe then...” He’d be giving up so much in giving up Kyle. He’d be back at the beach with Wren, but it’d be with Wren and Charlie. “I feel really alone.”
Autumn was surprised that he wasn't just walking out and telling her he was going to do what he wanted. She watched him, heart going out to him. Both of them, really. This was going to suck all around. She just also believed that it was the right thing to do. "I would for a while." she said. "Obviously, you can't avoid someone altogether forever in a place so small, but I would just give you both a little breathing room time where you can kind of reassess things. You can get back to concentrating on things you know you need to, and give yourself maybe a little time to get over him. He can work out what he's going through, and go from there. And...don't do that, hon. It's one of the things that I'm talking about being an issue." She got up and walked closer to him, eventually squatting down in front of him. "Saying 'maybe then' is still you holding your breath for him. It's part of the biggest issue here. You're not being a friend you're being someone who's waiting for things to progress into something else, and they aren't going to. But you keep treating it like it will. And it's got you all twisted up on a number of levels. Do you get what I'm saying?"
Adam shied back from her when she got closer, not ready for that. “He’ll be fine once I’m gone. I’m the issue he’s working through. Liking me and having zero interest in being with me. Letting me make him jealous even though he doesn’t care about that.” He swallowed hard, fighting the lump in his throat. “It’s over for us, like...ever. Not even friends. That’s what I keep thinking. I can get better. I can have him back in some way, but you’re right.” He let out a shaking breath and looked up at the ceiling. “Why did I even think I could have anyone in my life?”
"I doubt he'll just roll over and be 'fine', he's got his own issues. And he won't be happy with this either, if he listens at all." Autumn said. "And you're being dramatic." she told him. "And unfair, and maudlin. It's not the end of the world, it's just one simple shift in thinking, and it definitely doesn't mean you'll never have anyone ever, just because it's not going to be Kyle. Do you truly think that? That he's it, forever and ever? Because when we started this, you thought it was no one ever. Do you not see that you're just...giving up on everything at the first bump in the road? How do you expect to get anywhere, if that's how you treat everything?"
“I’m a big chunk of his issues,” Adam said, not able to look at Autumn. She was right. He was being dramatic and the tears that kept threatening weren’t helping his case. “I know. I can’t get anywhere and I know it’s not...You know we had a plan? For after here. He wanted to see all these places and just drag me with him. It’s hard to let that go. And it feels like I’m giving up so much that means so much to me because I can’t handle it.” He rubbed at his forehead then drug fingers through his hair. “I just worry I’m no good at being a friend. I’ve been a bad friend to Wren, I’ve ruined my friendship with Kyle. Before then my best friend was...crazy and before him I didn’t have friends. I’m not...not doing so hot Autumn.”
"Stop," Autumn said, frustration coming through in her tone even if she didn't want it to. "Please please please stop ignoring me outright, and again claiming blame for everything! It isn't just you! It isn't just all about you and Adam's issues! Okay, it takes more than that to fuck something up properly, or it takes not very solid people on the other end too. Again, you aren't the only one who can't handle shit with you and Kyle, he clearly can't either! You're both wrong on things. And it isn't all you. And you can't be held responsible for having a nutjob as a friend before. And everyone has days where they just aren't the best friend in the world--movies are bullshit, everyone has days where they aren't the greatest friend in the world. Everyone. It's a normal thing. But it's a friendship, people forgive things. That's part of the whole deal in the first place." She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I know you're not doing well right now. I know. I think you need time to be with you. To clear your head. To reassess things, and by reassess, I don't mean sit around thinking about everything you're 'giving up'. I mean trying to see a future where you're happy just being you. When you hinge everything on someone else, this is the type of thing that happens. When it crashes it crashes everything. It's another reason I was saying I didn't think you should be in a relationship at all yet."
Adam flinched outright and shifted away from her when she lost her cool, head hanging. He didn’t want her to get upset with him too. It was hard not to take that as a sign, but considering what she was saying, he guessed that was the wrong route. So he waited, listening to her as hard as he could, trying to breathe, but not really letting out the breath he was holding until she was done. It was hard to think of Kyle as being wrong in the situation as well. Kyle hadn’t been wrong from the jump. He’d been the poor object of Adam’s affection. In the end he was nodding, not looking at her. “Happy being me.” That sounded daunting, but he didn’t say that part out loud.
"I'm sorry." she said, getting up and going back to the couch. "I'm sorry." she repeated. "Just...sometimes I feel like I never get through." she admitted. "You always fall right back into the same place. Where you go worst case scenario, for the millionth time. Where you sit there and say 'oh it's all my fault, I suck' in creative different ways, but it's the same idea, over and over. And that's a huge, huge thing, hon. It really is. If you can't even attempt to not go there, or to see it for what it is, then..." Then she didn't quite know what else to do, was the answer, even if she hated it. "Do you see what I'm saying? You just dive head first into all of it without hesitation, every time. Like you want to be there. Or like you just want someone to talk you back out of it, I don't know. I just know when you come back to it again, it's hard to feel like I've made any kind of difference for you."
She got silence in return at first, where Adam struggled with telling her to just stop. To not worry about him, fixing him, any of that. “It’s because that’s what I see. I keep hearing I’m the one that’s wrong. Like with Kyle. You say I need to find a way to not let it bother me. He tells me to stop pushing to stop wanting it and yet he acts the way he does and it’s confusing. I feel like he’s right and I’m wrong and I’m used to being wrong. I’m not good at seeing where other people go wrong.” He was picking at his fingers again, then getting up, needing to move and considering leaving. “Don’t apologize. I’m frustrating. I get that.”
"...you don't keep hearing that you're the one that's wrong. You're skipping over the parts where people say otherwise. Because I know I do. I have today. Over and over. But you're choosing to skip that part in your own head, to ignore it." Autumn said. "If you really think you need to find a way for it to not bother you, you're missing even more of the point. That's not what you need to do. You need to accept that everyone's got faults, and not everything is all about you, or all due to your mistakes."
“I agree with you today. I know what he said back there, how he acted, it was wildly unfair. I told him that.” Adam heard his voice rise and forced himself to breathe and calm down. There was no use in yelling. Of course, not yelling led to pacing, which wasn’t much better, one arm wrapped around his middle. “I know people have faults. I just keep seeing these situations where I could have done something differently and maybe it would have been better.”
"And...what?" Autumn posed. "You could have done something differently and wound up hanging around a party where you're depressed because you see Kyle with another guy, and you didn't feel wanted and had a good time with someone else? That for some reason would be better, in your mind?"
Adam frowned. “No,” he said. Feeling wanted had been good. Really good. “I could have not gone home with her.” Though that wouldn’t fix the Kyle issue. That might have alleviated a different issue. He looked at his hands and shrugged. “I couldn’t have fixed things with Kyle last night.”
"Things with you and Kyle I don't think are fixable right now. Like I said, I think neither one of you can actually handle this. And you thinking just smoothing things over so there aren't visible ruffles doesn't mean it would make things okay." she told him lightly. "And I'm sorry about that. But I seriously just...I just see damage."
“Is he going to be upset with me?” Adam asked, looking over at Autumn. “If I do this, because...I thought the same thing. That I should keep my distance, but...he’s going to be upset with me isn’t he?” Adam needed to know. He wanted to know just how hard it was going to be.
"If I had to guess, he's going to be breathing fire down my neck." Autumn said. "And if you want to, just blame me. I can take it. I won't like it, and I really like Kyle, but if it helps you? I'll take this hit. It was my suggestion in the first place...even if it did cross your mind." she said, eyes on him. "What was it you thought, exactly?"
“I won’t let him do that,” Adam said shaking his head. “I can handle it.” He thought. But he wasn’t going to dump more on Autumn. “I thought I apologize to him too much and it might not be as much if I kept my distance.”
Autumn gave a small smile. "You can't control people, remember? It's not going to be up to you to 'let' him do anything, or stop him from it." she said. "I think you just need to figure you out. That you being happy just being you thing. Other people and places and goals and dreams can all come in later, but you need to have in yourself some idea that you can be happy. Just you." She leaned back, curling her legs beneath her. "It's actually one of those weird things. People...a lot of them think they need someone to be happy. But that very thing? Sort of drives others away. Being happy attracts others, pulls them in. You're more likely to find someone to share in happiness if you work out how to achieve it on your own."
“Well..I won’t say it’s your fault then. Steer his anger at me instead of you,” Adam said trying to smile, but it was weak. “I will think about it. See where I get. Hopefully somewhere.” What she said made sense, that happiness attracted others, he just was floundering at what made him happy. He didn’t even know what he liked and what he didn’t like.
"He'll already be mad, I told him I wanted to talk to him too. Adam--honestly you're going through enough right now. I don't think it'll help at all to take on anything more than you've already got going on. Besides, we can both say that we'll take it til we're blue in the face, it'll be down to Kyle, at the end of the day." She'd just been on the receiving end of Kyle's harshness more than once, so there was that. She imagined he'd level both barrels at her, and proceed to disregard everything she had to say. She didn't have high hopes for things to go anything but disastrously.
Adam closed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair. "Hoping that he won't hate me after is the wrong behavior. I know that but that's what I'm hoping for." And that they could fix things and have each other back, but Adam knew that was wrong enough to not even bring up.
"That isn't wrong. No one wants to be hated. But...hate is a pretty strong word. Don't throw it around like it's nothing, or that it would be so simple or immediate to invoke." Autumn suggested. Sometimes what Adam assumed was the 'right' answer was still really off. "Take it one little step at a time, kay?"
"Have you met Kyle? His only emotional level is strong," Adam quipped but his heart wasn't in it. "I just don't want to lose his friendship forever. I know we need a break, but eventually, when I'm over it and him, I don't want that bridge completely burned." He was tugging at the hem of his shirt, fidgeting. "Baby steps...what's the baby step for being able to be touched again?"
"...have you considered that what would be best for keeping that later is moving on for real and doing just what we're talking about? One thing about you, Adam, is you're intense. Very, very intense. Some people deal well with it, some people don't. Right now, maybe proving that you aren't centering your world on Kyle to yourself, that could mean a lot in the long run. But either way, again, you're going to need to figure out how to be happy with you." She considered. "Baby steps for being touched, be honest, work out little things that will be okay for you to be doing with the other person. Establish ground rules."
No. He hadn’t considered that. It left Adam feeling hurt, like he was giving up a huge part of himself, but if he was understanding Autumn at all, that was the problem. He had a feeling Kyle was going to use the push back as fodder for how Adam’s feelings fluctuated, but there wasn’t much Adam could do about it. He found himself nodding despite his reservations about the plan. “I can try to do that. I want to. Get over it. I wanted that from the start.” He tugged at his shirt again, frustration ebbing through. “I’m just pissed I have to start over. I was doing so good.”
"You don't have to start over. You're just learning and starting from a new place, that's all." Autumn said. "It's not like you've unlearned anything. So technically you can't start over."
“It feels like starting over. LIke how I’m sitting way over here instead of next to you...” Adam looked over at her then sighed again, drifting towards the door. “I’ve unloaded enough on you haven’t I?”
"Hey--that's okay. You had an incident that made you feel uncomfortable, and you're doing yourself a favor and keeping your distance. That isn't a failure or anything, or even a setback. That's normal. No one just never has a day where they need to have a little space. So, don't be so hard on yourself." Autumn suggested. "And it's fine. You know I'm always here for you."
“I think I’m doing everyone else a favor,” Adam said, not looking up. “I don’t want to upset anyone because I can’t handle it. And I don’t want to go through it.” He half glanced at her then shook his head. “ I know you are. But it leaves you unhappy which makes me feel bad.”
Autumn frowned. "...where are you getting that?" she asked. "I signed on for this, remember? And sure, sometimes things get a little dark, but that doesn't mean every time I talk to you that it does. Most of the time I feel better, because you feel better."
“Not today though,” Adam said gently, gesturing towards her frown. “You’re supposed to be smiling. It fits you. I don’t want to take that away, from you or take that part of you away from the rest of the world.”
Autumn gave him a smile. "There's that drama, again. Hon, it's fine. And if I was smiling twenty four hours a day there'd be something seriously wrong with me. I'm fine. I appreciate the sentiment, but things are good, I promise."
Adam still felt bad, but he nodded because apparently he was slipping into bad habits. “Just so long as things are good.” He’d wound up at the door, but wasn’t really leaving. He wasn’t sure if they had more to talk about or if they were going to go over the same things, in which case he did want to go.
In Autumn's mind, going over anything else would be too much for one day. This was a lot for Adam to deal with right now so she didn't want to get into anything else. "Message me or come by, if you need anything." she requested. "I'll be here, kay?"
Nodding slowly Adam pulled her door open. “Thanks. Even when I’m frustrating, you stick with it, so...Thanks.”
"You're welcome. See you soon, Adam." Autumn said with a smile. It masked that she knew things were about to hit really really bad places.