Kyle Van Allen (arty_kyle) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2013-07-02 19:15:00 |
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Entry tags: | adam, adam and kyle, day nineteen, kyle |
Not Cool
Characters: Kyle and Adam
Setting Kyle's room, very much pre-dawn
Sleeping with Ru had been fun, that much Adam couldn’t deny. But the moment it was over reality was filtering in and he couldn’t quite handle things. Which meant as soon as her breathing evened out he was bailing, pulling on enough of his clothes to get out of there, leaving her a note that said thanks and he’d see her later. There was no way he could trust that sleeping next to Ru would keep the nightmares away. Not even close. He was sure if the moment the door to her room closed behind him and he already had flashes of Ella dead. Then Ru dead, taking Ella’s place, the scar on her neck that he’d noticed but hadn’t asked about turned into a gash.
He just barely made it back to his room in time to throw up, sitting on the floor in the bathroom for a moment until the dry heaves faded and he could focus again. There was no way he was sleeping. He didn’t want to bring on those nightmares if the waking visions were as bad as they were. That had been stupid. Fun, but probably stupid. It hadn’t fully dawned just how stupid it was until he saw the note from Kyle. Full of typos and accusations and anger to the point where Adam thought he was going to be sick again. He’d typed out three responses before he deleted them all and sent the note saying he was headed down there. Fuck it being the middle of the night, he was doing this in person.
When he arrived at Kyle’s room he knocked a little too hard, still dressed in the remnants of his costume, shirt untied at the top and hanging open in a deep v, pants from the costume on, but he hadn’t bothered with shoes or tucking the shirt in. Not when there were pressing matters.
Kyle certainly hadn’t made it to bed. He hadn’t even gotten as far as having a shower. In the end, the most he’d been able to get done before the urge to throw his feelings at a canvas had taken over had been to get rid of the mask and the wings and rub at his face makeup with a damp cloth, getting rid of most of it and creating smudged shadows of the rest. He hadn’t touched his body paint, though the act of painting for the last several hours had meant that the swirls he had created on his torso were now smudged and blurred.
The artist wrenched the door open at the knock, taking in Adam standing there. Kyle ran his eyes over the other man’s appearance and realised the time. “Got my note then?” he snapped, archly. He hadn’t checked his own messages, but he figured that was the case. Which meant that if Adam was here in the middle of the night, he had only just gotten it. Which meant he’d only just got back to his room. Which meant... “Or did you just come to gloat? Really twist the knife?” For a moment, Kyle considered simply slamming the door in his face, but he knew Adam better by now. All that would achieve would be to wake the neighbours when Adam began hammering to be let in. Instead, Kyle pushed the door so it would mostly close in the other man’s face, but remain ajar as he headed back towards his canvas. He picked up his palette knife and tried to hide his hurt beneath a bitchy exterior.
Adam caught the door, but only because he thought Kyle was trying to close it in his face. Pushing it open enough to let himself in, he closed it behind him, but stuck close to it. “I did get your note. And I’m not here to gloat, but screw you for thinking I’d do that.” His voice was quiet, hurt radiating through it, with anger under it. “You wanna tell me just what the fuck that was all about?” His eyes caught the black and white of discarded wings on Kyle’s bed and his stomach turned over. Fucking Zach.
Kyle spun on the ball of his foot and confronted Adam, gesturing with the palette knife without thinking how that might look. “I think I was fucking clear what that was all about.”
It said something about Adam that he didn’t even flinch when Kyle was brandishing the knife at him. Or maybe it just said something about what he was used to from friends. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen a best friend of his waving a weapon about. “Really? Not so much. What with all the typos and the accusations about what I did while you’re busy getting up close and personal then leaving with Mr. Angel of Death there.” Adam gestured towards the bed and the wings, taking the smudged body paint as a sign that things had gone like he’d thought. “‘Cause that’s fucking fair.”
“You decided to make out with some fucking girl right in front of my damn face!” Kyle exclaimed, hotly. “Which at best is really fucking insensitive and at worst is... Really fucking bad. You, you jerk.” The artist was still clearly a little drunk and words were not always working for him so well. “And what the hell has Zach got to do with any of this? Because if you’re trying to compare my dancing with someone to your making out with and probably, looking at you and the time you rocked up here, fucking someone this conversation is over!”
Adam instantly felt sick. Something was wrong, massively wrong. “He left with you. His...his paint. It was...” The words weren’t coming as part of Adam was figuring out he got it wrong. Really, really wrong.
“His paint was what? Done by me? Yeah - I did his art work. I made Wren’s crown. I made you a fucking sword and shield. It’s what I do!” Kyle shouted, no longer so bothered about the neighbours. He was angry in the way that nobody here had seen him angry before. “And he didn’t leave with me. He followed me. After I left so I wouldn’t have to watch you with her!” His eyes widened as he suddenly realised something. “Fuck, A - you thought I slept with him. You did, didn’t you? You saw me vaguely near another man and your fucking twisted, screwed up brain jumped straight to me fucking him!”
“Yeah well a crown is not you getting your hands all over some dude’s chest and hips and shit!” Adam yelled back, not wanting to yell, but he couldn’t help it. Not when Kyle was shouting. “Followed you like some lost puppy. He had that look! And you didn’t come back and he didn’t come back and I knew you were headed to your room! I am not fucking twisted I’m actually pretty fucking aware that you’re allowed to do whatever the fuck you want to because I don’t have some claim on you!”
“Well at least you get that much!” Kyle shot back at him. “You’re right - I can do whatever I want. And tonight I wanted to have some fun, dance with my friends and maybe let loose for once. And then you were there, right in front of me, with that girl! You couldn’t have just taken it somewhere else? This whole fucking place and you couldn’t even find somewhere that wasn’t right in my fucking face! You know what that felt like, A? Felt like you’d punched me. And like you were doing it specifically so I’d see, like some kind of fucking punishment for not wanting to be with you. So yeah - I left, I came here. Zach followed me asking if I was okay and I told him I was sick and wanted to be left alone and I don’t fucking care if he was looking like a lost puppy, because I hate to sound like a broken fucking record, but I’m not looking to start anything with anyone!”
Adam felt sick again. He was slumping back against the door, mind reeling as he realized just how wrong he’d been. God he was stupid. He was quiet for a moment before looking back at Kyle. “Why exactly is is so awful that I was with someone else? Why would it be punishing you? Because you were, like you said, pretty fucking clear on not wanting to be with anyone, but...me making out with someone who for some reason, thinks I’m hot that’s instantly about you?” Of course, it had been about Kyle, but it wasn’t sitting right with Adam, the way he was the bad guy for having fun. “What if that was what I wanted to do? Find someone who did want to be with me.”
Kyle deflated at that, slumping back to sit on the edge of the bed, narrowly missing breaking one of the wings. It was then he realised that he was still holding the palette knife and his discarded it, quickly, horrified that he had just been fighting with Adam whilst holding a knife. “It wasn’t that,” he said, quietly, not looking up. “It wasn’t that you found someone else. I think I said that when I wrote you. If... If she’s what you wanted, then good luck and I hope you’re happy. It’s...” He looked up then, his eyes red with unshed tears, standing out more against the remains of eyeliner. “It felt like you wanted to rub my face in it. Like you wanted me to see. How would you feel if I’d done that to you?”
Adam rolled his eyes and thunked his head back against the door. “It’s not like that. I’m not getting fucking married. I’m not even doing that again considering it completely fucked with my head afterwards and it’s massively unattractive to sneak out and go home and puke.” He was only able to look at Kyle for a moment before shrugging and looking away. “I thought...Zach seemed into you and you were pulling him around the dancefloor and I assumed the worst. So yeah. Maybe I did. Because I felt like shit and I listened to Ru when she suggested it which was dumb. And I’d feel awful. Like I do now.”
Kyle had been going to say something, but then Adam continued talking and there was only one thing to say then. “...Suggested it?”
“It’s stupid.” Adam shook his head and continued to look at the floor, back against the door. “Reason for you to come stick me with that knife of yours I know.”
Kyle gave him a flat look. “Don’t even joke about that, A,” he said, seriously.
“I know,” Adam said, voice lower. “Chalk it up to me being twisted.” He bit at his lower lip. “She said you might realize what you wanted if it was gone. Which is so dumb now that I’m not buzzed and feeling really fucking alone.” He wrapped his arms around himself and nodded slowly. “Twisted.” Kyle had him right with that one.
Kyle dropped his head into his hands, feeling like his hangover was coming on early. It wasn’t fair to get a hangover and still be drunk at the same time. Or maybe it was just this whole situation. “Broken record,” he said, in relation to himself. “A, it’s not that I don’t know what I want,” he said, not looking up, his voice very slightly muffled by his palms, but still audible. “It’s knowing now isn’t the time to have it.”
Adam took a long moment to answer. It was almost too long before his voice broke the silence between them. “Do you want me to wait Ky?” That was assuming that he was what Kyle meant when he said he knew what he wanted, but that made sense, given that the main argument was Kyle not wanting to be with anyone.
Kyle took a deep breath, then exhaled and looked up, shaking his head. “No, A. I mean, I’m not asking you to go throw yourself at the next person, just because - you shouldn’t do that regardless. But if there’s someone... I shouldn’t be a factor.”
“Yeah well...you’re a dumbass.” Adam finally looked back at Kyle, watching his friend for a long moment. “Because you’re a factor whether you like it or not. And I’d come over there and shake you or something, but...I’m not sure I can be touched right now.”
Kyle frowned deeply at that. “What do you mean, you can’t be touched right now?” he asked.
Adam bit at the inside of his lip. “Just don’t feel right. That screwed with me a little. A lot.” He closed his eyes and rested his head against the door. There was a long explanation and he knew most of it. He’d not had sex with anyone else after Ella and doing as much with Ru was too much too soon. It had opened wounds and turned up trauma he didn’t fully realize he’d had.
Kyle rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well...” He shut up, still pissed, but the edge was gone enough that he didn’t feel the need to come right out and say ‘serves you right’. He wasn’t that much of a dick.
Adam caught enough of the intent, wincing hard at the words before reaching for the door knob. “Right. Well...when you’re done being pissed, I’m sorry.”
“Might take me a while,” Kyle warned. That seemed only fair.
Adam paused for a moment, looking at the doorknob before turning back to look at Kyle. “I get it, you’re pissed because I hurt your feelings, but what you said in that note, that hurt my feelings too. Because when you said all those things you discounted every single thing I feel about you. Which sucks. So say it all you want that you don’t care if I’m with someone else so long as you don’t have to see it, but that’s lying to you about what I’m doing. You say you don’t want me to wait, but...you’re all but asking me to. So I’m confused. And it really sucks because I could use my best friend right now, but I know better.” He took a breath, biting at his lip. “I am sorry. I listened to Ru when I should have known better. I shouldn’t have let you see it or do it in the first place, but I was thinking that you were getting cozy with Zach after saying all those nice things about me and I got jealous. But if you’re gonna be like that if I find someone I do really like? I’m not sure what to do about things.”
Kyle dropped his head again. “I said...” he started, but then broke off and took a different track instead. “How did I discount everything?” he asked, an actual honest question. He had written the message in anger and upset, and hadn’t looked at it since. He was fuzzy on the details of some of what he’d said.
“A lot about me trying my hand at the third or fourth person in here. There was another part about suggesting I fuck half the place if I wanted to. And some almost incoherent back and forth at the end which makes me think you don’t think what I feel about you is real.” Adam hadn’t known Kyle saw him that way.
Kyle winced. Right, that. He had been trying to keep that particular opinion away from his friend. With everything else, it had never needed to be added into the mix. “I was upset. And drunk,” he said, hoping that Adam would agree to write it off as bitterness and forget about it.
“And finally saying how you felt?” Adam ventured, not quite letting it drop. He was too worried it was how Kyle felt to let it drop.
He really should know better. Adam didn’t let things go. “And finally saying what I feared,” Kyle corrected, quietly.
That cut Adam deep, making him stop and take more than one strangled breath before he could speak. “It’s not true. That’s not how I feel at all.”
Kyle shrugged a shoulder. “Look at it from my angle.”
“Stop looking at it from angles and listen to me,” Adam said, frowning hard. Though he was starting to think that Kyle didn’t believe him at all.
“It doesn’t make any difference anyhow. It’s not like this is the one thing or anything. This... This is why I didn’t want to get into this,” Kyle said with a sigh. There was no way to spin this in any kind of an acceptable way.
“Yeah it does Ky. It means you don’t believe me. That you haven’t.” And that made Adam sick to his stomach all over again. “It means...wow. Wow. I’m an idiot.”
Kyle took a breath. “A, Adam... I... I just... You were with Becka when you were showing interest in me. And then, you were telling me that you liked me with one breath and apparently wanting something with Wren as well. I just... A guy gets confused.”
Adam rested his forehead against the door, wanting to bang his head against it. “And yet I keep winding up back here. Every. Single. Time. I’m right here.”
Kyle looked down at the floor. “I know,” he said, quietly. “I know that. Which is why I said that this was something that I was afraid of, rather than something that I believed.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Adam asked, voice just as quiet.
“This is why I didn’t tell you. Because there’s no way to explain this without it sounding really shitty,” Kyle admitted.
Adam turned back to look at Kyle, waiting a breath before moving closer and sitting with him, but further away than he normally would have. “Isn’t this the kind of thing we’re supposed to talk about?”
Kyle swallowed. “Baby steps? Work in progress with the whole ‘absolute honesty’ thing?” Kyle suggested, hopefully.
“Baby steps to the Grand fucking Canyon? That’s a big thing we could have started with. Baby steps is me admitting that I almost kissed you tonight.” Adam sighed and ran his hand through his hair trying not to think on how differently the night would have gone if he had.
Kyle shrugged a shoulder once again. “Would it be the first time?” he asked.
“The first time I almost did? Maybe. There’s been times when I thought it might come up, but...that was the first time I almost jumped and did it without already being close to you or holding on to you or something.” Adam shook his head and looked away. “It’s not important.”
“That would have made things really really awkward,” Kyle said, trying to quirk a half smile. “Though, maybe not as awkward as this is right now, I guess. Or as generally horrible. Or... I don’t know. Why now? Tonight, I mean?”
“And I probably would have messed up your paint, which would have been bad too.” Adam didn’t quite get to the smile, but he looked less beaten down. “It wouldn’t be horrible. That much I’m sure of. And...what you said earlier. When you gave me my gifts. No one’s...no one’s ever said anything like that to me.”
“...And yet you still thought that I’d gone off with another guy a few hours later,” Kyle pointed out.
“You weren’t the one thinking about kissing me,” Adam said, looking back over at Kyle. “And I panicked. He’s cute I guess and you’re...well I wouldn’t blame him. I’m stupid. I know.”
Previously, Kyle would have made some declaration about Zach’s sexuality, but he was pretty sure his gaydar was broken right now, so he left that angle out of it. Who knew what types Zach went for. “You think Zach’s cute?” he asked, instead. “I... Guess so? But, he’s kind of... Scrawny? And he’s hard work. He’s really... Not shy, exactly, but, I don’t know, retiring? I find myself having to explain the weirdest things to him. It’s like the entire range of human emotion has passed him by, or that’s how it feels sometimes. It’s like... We’re working at being friends, but it does feel like work. He’s a nice enough guy but... Even if I wanted something, it wouldn’t be with him.”
“Yeah well I think I’m scrawny and you don’t complain about me.” Adam shrugged. “I guess he’s okay looking. I’m not good at that sort of thing.” He listened to Kyle, watching him talk about Zach and feeling like an idiot for thinking otherwise. “That sounds a little exhausting.”
“It can be. At times. At other times, I quite like it - it’s like having a project,” Kyle said, giving Adam a cheeky smile. “I feel like I can introduce him to new things, broaden his horizons. But - there are definitely some horizons I have no interest in broadening with him.”
That made Adam laugh a little, rolling his eyes. “Fine, fine, no horizon broadening. I kind of wish I could shrink mine back down again.” He glanced over at Kyle, smile softening a little.
“Sorry?” Kyle suggested. “Tried my best to keep them down?”
“I wasn’t talking about you. You can broaden whatever the fuck you want.” Adam winced, then laughed at himself because that sounded massively cheesy. “You know what I mean.”
“I do and I’m going to judiciously entirely ignore any and all possible double entendres there,” Kyle said, with a definite nod.
“Well then you’re missing the whole point.” Adam’s voice was teasing, even if he was being honest. “Are we still fighting?”
“I’m not sure,” Kyle admitted. “No? I mean, there’s a reason you’re my best friend and I’m yours, right?” Kyle figured it wasn’t actually all that simple. That they would both be hurting over this for a while, and that things would be kind of fragile, but he didn’t want to make them more so by pointing that out.
“I could work with no. Turns out fighting with you sucks a lot.” Adam looked over at Kyle, frowning at him covered in paint still. “You need a shower.”
“I was meant to have one earlier - I got... Sidetracked,” Kyle admitted, glancing up at the painting he had been working on earlier. The canvas stood portrait on the easel, the still-wet oils laid on thickly so that Kyle had been largely mixing and crafting colours into patterns using the knife rather than a brush. It was almost abstract, though the detail was clear enough to someone really looking. A rearing dragon formed the centrepiece of the image, rising up out of swirling flame that filled the rest of the canvas, the colours bright and heavy and real. Towards the top right there were two flashes of pure white - the wings of an angel fighting and failing to combat the dragon, the picture created right at the moment before the angel was lost in the maelstrom.
Adam glanced where Kyle looked, then got up to study the painting more. It took a moment to pick it out properly, but then the dragon and the angel came into focus. He scoured the rest of it, looking for what he thought was missing and not finding it. “Where’s the dragonslayer?” he asked, turning to look back at Kyle and point towards the space that he thought the dragonslayer, or himself really, should be.
Kyle shrugged. “There is no dragonslayer. In this one, the dragon wins.” Actually, Kyle knew that in this one, Adam was the dragon. Babysteps though. Not vilifying openly the best friend was a plan. And not opening the way for other interpretations of the image was also a plan.
Adam looked back at it and frowned. “I don’t like that. The dragon shouldn’t win. Not against the angel. The dragonslayer would protect the angel too.”
“Yeah, well, when I painted this, the dragonslayer wasn’t there - A, we just agreed we weren’t fighting anymore, let’s not resurrect that, okay?” Kyle asked.
Adam turned to Kyle again. “Should we be fighting about the painting?” he asked, looking slightly shocked. “This is a thing too? Can’t you just...add him and fix it?”
Kyle looked at him, appalled, though for an entirely different reason. “No, A! I can’t ‘just add him’! It would throw the whole balance of the piece off! It’d be adding in something that was never meant to be there in the first place - it wouldn’t be fixing it! It would be ruining it! If you want one with a dragon slayer, I’ll paint you one with a dragon slayer. Where there’s been a slayer in there from the start, but I’m not going to just add something in!”
“Okay don’t yell at me for that. This is not my thing and I don’t know about those sort of things,” Adam said before looking back at the painting. “it just makes me sad. I don’t want you to paint me anything. I don’t want you to be sad.”
“No, you don’t know about these things - but you’ll learn. Hang around me for long enough and you will.” Or, he’d at least learn when to keep his mouth shut. “I wasn’t sad - I was angry. I think the painting came out well though. It’s pretty much done - that kind of style’s kind of rough and ready.” It had suited the place he was - fast and harsh.
“I guess I will. Hopefully before Paris I figure it out.” Adam tilted his head and looked at the painting again. “It looks great it’s just...disturbing.”
"Not all art is nice and light. Most of my favourite pieces are darker. Disturbing is harder to forget," Kyle told him.
“That’s for sure,” Adam said, shaking his head. “I guess I just don’t feel as good about art that reflects what’s going on inside. I’m dark enough as is.”
The artist raised a brow. “I wouldn’t exactly call you ‘dark’ A,” he said, gently. Misguided and often unthinking, yes. But not necessarily dark.
"I feel dark," Adam said, not looking at Kyle. "I feel like there's this black hole in me just sucking the good out of everything." He motioned towards his stomach, closing his fingers while he spoke before letting his arms drop at his sides.
Kyle wondered if that wasn’t something that his friend should be discussing with Autumn. She would probably handle it better. Yet, at the same time, Kyle wasn’t about to just let it go. “Why do you think that?” he asked, looking at Adam as he asked.
Adam was still staring at the painting, trying to think through the words. “It’s kind of like...good things happen and then something in me takes all the good out of it.” He sighed and let his shoulders sink.
Yeah, Autumn would definitely be better at this, but Kyle went on anyway. "Can you give me an example?" he asked.
Adam hesitated, not wanting to go into the most obvious example. Kyle wouldn't like that. "It's happened more than once. I get...physical with someone and then as good as it feels, something shorts in my brain and I'm having waking nightmares and I'm sick to my stomach." What had Cal called that? He'd had word for it Adam thought. Maybe not. Adam shrugged his shoulders and wrapped his arms around his middle again.
When Adam put it like that, he didn't need to go into specifics for Kyle to know exactly what he wasn't referring to. He'd mentioned it earlier on, after all. Kyle took a slow breath. he was still hurt about everything that had gone on tonight, but he needed to at least try to put that aside to deal with something that he knew was different and separate. "A," he said, looking at his friend softly. "I think, with all you've gone through, I think that's kinda understandable." Not nice, not something that was at all wanted, but understandable. "Maybe... Maybe it's just not a good thing for you. Like, emotionally."
Adam ran his hand through his hair, tugging at the longer parts in the back. "I know it is but...I want it to stop." He chewed on his lip, glancing back only once, not able to look Kyle in the eye. "So what I just...don't? Rule that out completely?" He could see the logic, not doing that, not until he was better but the crushing sense that he wouldn't be better weighed on him
Kyle shrugged. "I don't know - I'm hardly in a position to tell you what to do about these things. One way or another, I could be accused of bias," he pointed out. "But just... Maybe take things slowly? Whatever works for you. If something's good in the moment, but leaves you feeling like shit afterwards, then it's not really good, is it?".
"Bias?" Adam asked looking back at Kyle. "No. I guess it's not, but...it just sounds lonely. I'm lonely now knowing I'd rather sleep here and knowing I probably can't without upsetting your offending you from flinching or whatever. I hate this." It made Adam feel completely out of control, something he desperately wanted.
"Yeah, bias - if I sit here and tell you not to sleep with other people? There's so many ways that you could interpret that as being my opinion for lots of reasons other than because I'm worried about what it's doing to you," Kyle told him. "And I am - worried about what it's doing to you. Because that's not how it's meant to go. I can get why you have... issues and everything... But, we both know it's not really meant to be like that. And I'm not suggesting that you cut out all contact completely or anything, Adam. Just - don't push yourself. You've slept in the same bed as me, and as Wren, before with no problems," he pointed out.
Adam looked away, moving back to sit with Kyle, but not close to him. "I wasn't going to interpret a damn thing," he said, shaking his head. He didn't like the way that Kyle got hung up on the issue word, forcing himself to not jump to the fact that it meant Adam was that fucked up, because he'd just said he wasn't going to interpret things, but it was there. "Sleeping in the same bed with you isn't the same thing," Adam said, shaking his head.
"I know it's not the same thing. That's not What I meant. I meant that, well, it's something that you're comfortable with. It doesn't make you twitch, or feel sick. It's in your comfort zone. I... I think it would be good to make sure that you're comfortable with things, and don't do the things you're not comfortable with, or that you know will make you feel bad afterwards. And then work towards expanding what you're comfortable with. You don't need... everything... not to be lonely, right?" Kyle asked. He hoped that wasn't the case, that Adam didn't need sex just so he didn't feel alone.
Adam listened, starting to fidget, knee bouncing and nipping at his fingers. "I don't know. I just...God it was fine. It was kind of fun and now...now I feel like I've taken three steps back. Like even just hugging you would be hard."
"You probably wouldn't want to hug me - covered in paint," Kyle pointed out, hoping the joke would lighten things a little. But then he turned serious. "It won't be permanent, A. Even if you've taken three steps back. It won't be forever. It's just your way of telling yourself that, what you've done - it's not something you're comfortable with. So, you know to be careful with that kind of thing in the future. I mean - the whole thing. The other stuff - contact, hugging me, hugging other people... Other stuff. You'll get that back."
Adam rolled his eyes. "If I was afraid of a little paint I'd never be in here," he countered but it didn't sound as amused as Kyle's joke. Letting out a sigh he went back to nibbling on the edges of his fingers, around the callouses and scars from checking his blood sugar. "I know," he said, not sounding entirely convinced, but thinking maybe if he said it he might get there. "I just hate the wait. That I screwed it up that much."
Kyle felt bad, because he knew that if he hadn't been mad with Adam, this was the point at which he would have reached out to him. Maybe half way, maybe even brushing against him with seeking fingertips that weren't meant to push, but were looking to ask if he wasn't a special case. If Adam didn't trust him enough to trust him entirely. But he didn't. He stayed where he was. Hope and comfort limited to words alone. "Then you'll know for next time. That's all we can do. Learn from our mistakes."
Adam was torn when all he got were words. He wasn't expecting more, didn't think he could handle more, but part of him wanted it. It wanted Kyle to soothe things, prove that the contact wasn't going to kill him. But it wasn't there, just a reminder of how he's screwed up with their relationship, cloaked in comfort and reassurance. "Yeah, guess so." His leg bounced a few more times before he was bolting to his feet. "I'll get out of your way. So you can...paint."
Kyle stood as Adam did, reflexively, taking a step towards him then stopping. "Okay... If - you're okay?" he checked.
The step in his direction had Adam tensing as much as he wished it wouldn't. It was Kyle. For a second he all but screamed it at himself. Kyle wouldn't hurt him. Kyle wasn't going to die just for being close to him. Adam watched him for a hard moment before reaching out, lightly touching the other man's arm before pulling back quickly, balling fingers into a fist. "I'm not, but it's not your issue."
Kyle looked at him, clearly concerned for a moment, before he nodded. "Fine," he said, feeling uncomfortable saying that, but not feeling like he could offer more. Not right now. "I'll... Talk to you soon, 'kay?" he checked.
"Of course. Promise." Adam moved out of Kyle's way towards the door before looking back. "I am sorry." It felt like all he did was apologize to Kyle. Maybe he should keep his distance. Adam hesitate for only a moment more before leaving.