coping mechanisms and learned behavior
Characters: Autumn and Kyle Setting: her room
Autumn was wondering what was going on with Adam, and was actually glad that Kyle was seeking her out to talk about it. The thing with only speaking to Adam was that she only got a one sided version of events--so, this should help her out considerably, regardless of what was going on.
Beyond that, if he was having more trouble right now, then she wanted to know what was going on. In her estimation, if Kyle was coming to her all on his own? It had to rate pretty high on the 'serious' level. So, she was setting everything aside, to give him her undivided attention asap.
When she finally heard the knock, she got up to open the door right away, smiling at the young man on the other side. “Hey,” she greeted. “C’mon in.”
Kyle had headed straight over when he'd gotten the word, knowing that he had patrol later, and wanting to leave as much time as possible for this talk. "Hi, thanks for meeting with me," he said, as he entered the room.
"No problem, any time." Autumn said, shutting the door and waiting for him to choose a seat before she went to sit herself. "Do you want to jump right in?" she asked, figuring he'd rather that than attempt small talk with her.
Kyle crossed to sit rather primly and formally on the couch, one leg crossed over the other, his hands clasped on his knee. He was grateful for the offer, that was clear in his expression. "What do you know about my relationship with Adam?" he asked her, figuring that was an important thing to establish. "And of that between him and Wren?"
Autumn took the computer chair, spinning it to face Kyle. "That things have the potential to be complicated, and that Adam has a tendency to make things harder for himself than they need to be." she answered honestly.
Kyle grimaced a little. "Well, that's unfortunately incredibly accurate," he mused. "But, I meant specifically. Has Adam talked to you about... how he feels about me?" he asked.
"Yes." Autumn said. "I know he's got feelings for you, and last time we spoke, he hadn't said anything. I'm assuming that's changed."
Kyle nodded. "Yeah, that's changed." He paused, managing to hold onto the calm, poised persona for a moment longer before it cracked. "I don't know where to start," he admitted, a little helplessly.
"It's okay." Autumn gave him a soft, warm smile. "Start anywhere, hon. It doesn't have to be the beginning. What's most prominent in your mind right this second? Start there. We'll get around to everything." she promised.
The artist thought for a moment, trying to prioritise everything in his head. There seemed so many options. "I've told him I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but everytime we talk... there's this pressure for me to change my mind. Which, God, when I say it like that, it sounds like it's all about me and that's not why I'm here..."
"It doesn't sound like it's all about you." Autumn assured him. "That's a two person thing, you just described. It can't be all about you." she added, to put another perspective in there for him, hopefully to make him feel less like he was being self centered. "Have you discussed it with him? Beyond I'm assuming letting him know you aren't interested in a relationship."
"We've discussed it enough for me to be far too familiar with that devastated look on his face," Kyle sighed.
Autumn nodded, pretty familiar with that herself, though in a different way. "It's always hard, being in that position. Tell me about the pressure." she encouraged. That was a huge, screaming red flag. She already knew that Adam had control issues, deep down. This seemed like another element to that, if it was what she thought it was. But she wanted to hear Kyle's whole story before she decided where it fit.
"Pressure like... If there's anything I do that could be taken that way, he does. And there's this hope that appears in his eyes. And I can feel it. And sometimes that's all it is. But... other times... Last night - God, I have to say that I know I'm not totally blameless here and maybe I should step back and not do things that he could possibly take any other way, and I'm not going to pretend this is all him, but... You know Adam has trouble sleeping. And he sleeps better with someone with him. And yesterday, it had been a bad day. With the jury and all and he was just exhausted, and I wanted to make sure he slept and I offered to stay. And that was fine and everything. Or it was until we were woken up in the middle of the night. And when he found out about the cameras he got really worried, because of what happened last time the cameras were down and he was going to go and try and play hero and he's injured. So I asked him not to. Asked him to promise me he wouldn't. And he told me he'd only promise if I came back to bed. Which... I have my own issues and that hits on them. Which he knew. But he pulled that anyway, and when I asked him about it, he said he thought it was the only way he could keep me close," Kyle said, rattling the explanation off at speed, words falling over themselves in a way that was almost entirely at odds with the image he had been trying to maintain earlier. Suddenly the artist looked very young.
Autumn listened, but couldn't help but frown when Kyle got to the part of the story where Adam used pretty blatant manipulation to get Kyle into bed with him. That...was not good. For anyone. "You were right to come talk to me." she said first. "That's...a whole lot of not right. How did you respond to his 'reasons'?"
Kyle decided to skip the part that Adam had almost made him cry. "I pointed out that it was the middle of the night. And that the cameras were down, and he was stressed, so I wouldn't be leaving. So the sensible thing would have been for us to go back to bed anyway. He hadn't needed to link it to anything. And we talked about why I disliked him doing that so much. And we touched on the fact that just because I... When I said I didn't appreciate being given a shitty choice that way, Adam immediately launched into the fact that I clearly hated sleeping with him. So, we again had to go over the fact I don’t want to get involved that way with him. And it's... Sleeping in the same bed that way wasn't meant to be something I liked or didn't like the way he meant it. It was meant to be something to help him sleep."
Yeah, this was a whole lot of not good. Shit. "It's good you've been open with your communication, I know that isn't always easy, especially when you know you're being manipulated." she said, which she very much thought Kyle was aware of. "So you're at the point now where you don't know where to go? Or how to deal with him? How are you holding up?" she asked, wanting to be sure that Kyle was okay himself. "These kinds of things are difficult at best, especially when you care about someone."
"I do care about him," Kyle agreed. "I don't want to lose him, but he doesn't make it easy. I don't want to start distancing myself, but there are times when it feels like I don't have any option. If I try and avoid things, sidestep round topics that touch on us being more than friends, he accuses me of hiding things from him. But if I don't avoid them, then I hurt him." Kyle sighed, looking down at his hands. "I do like him," he admitted. "I find him attractive. He's cute, and sweet and funny. But... There's this laundry list of reasons why us being more than friends would be a bad idea right now."
"If your instincts tell you no, then you should listen." Autumn said. She wanted Adam to be happy, but from what she was hearing, it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. Not with this start, at the very least, and if things started from a bad place, hope for it getting better wasn't great. "Sounds like you're in a position where you can't win, at the moment." she observed, tone sympathetic.
"I think that maybe... Adam's just really desperate for someone to love him. And if they don't, he takes that as a personal failing. Or as confirmation of something he already knew about himself," Kyle said.
"I wouldn't disagree with any of that." Autumn said. "And there are a lot of other things playing in as well. One of which is massively playing in now, and is probably going to be one of the harder things to get him through." She sighed slightly. "I'm sorry you're in the position you've been put in. You might need to distance yourself a little bit, or set up a very clear communication with him where you have the ability to back off when you need to." she added. "Adam needs to stop trying to control everyone. The weird thing, is he's got control issues of two types, and they don't go well together, and I'm sure he doesn't see it in the slightest. But he can't run around blatantly emotionally manipulating people. It isn't fair. It isn't healthy, and it's going to mean he loses people who truly care about him, all because of his own behavior. Which he'll berate himself for--but probably not because he can see things for what they are, and not enough to stop or change his behavior without help."
Kyle listened to her and realised there were things she knew that she was quite simply not telling him. He figured also that she probably had no intention of telling him, instead keeping Adam's confidences all the while Kyle spilled his. The artist didn't know how that made him feel. Frustrated, yet on the other hand grateful that Adam seemed to be in relatively safe hands. "He does... He can't control me," Kyle said, rethinking what he had been going to say slightly. "I won't let him control me, and he knows that."
"He can only do that if you allow it." Autumn said. "I'm very glad to hear that you aren't going to. What were you going to say first, though?" she asked.
"Just that I know he tries to control things. Control people. He thinks he can take on the world. He's terrible at accepting help, or allowing that something else might be someone else's duty or responsibility. It's like he thinks the entire world is on him," Kyle said, letting loose with the explanation.
Autumn gave a small smile, nodding. "And everything is his fault, up to and including anyone having a bad day which may have nothing to do with him whatsoever. He claims blame for pretty much everything." Which she'd pointed out to him last time, trying to show him the 'this is intensely self centered' point of view. "How are you with him being so manipulative and controlling? I know you care, and you're his best friend, and part of his support system, but it can't all be catering to Adam's needs. He needs to stop trying to control people, period, but he also needs to not get away with it when it's happening, which is where all the stress comes in...which you know otherwise you wouldn't be here. I'm worried about you." she said honestly. "I think you're a strong person, and you've got a crappy hand dealt to you right now. What do you want to do?"
Kyle frowned. The way she'd said he was so manipulative and controlling made him uncomfortable. "He's not that bad," he said, coming to Adam's defence. "You make him sound like he's manipulating me all the time. He doesn't, it was just that one point. He's a good guy, I don't... I'm not entirely innocent in this. Some of this is my own fault. A lot of it, probably. And misunderstandings, and not explaining things properly, and not being able to get him to understand. This isn't all him. I'm sorry if I make it sound that way."
"Kyle," Autumn said. "Making excuses for him and downplaying serious issues, especially when they're so very blatant won't help him. It'll just mean he gets traction with an approach, and he'll do it again, to you, or other people. Claiming 'a lot' of the blame yourself doesn't help either. With what you told me, that was emotional manipulation, controlling behavior and disregard for you and your wellbeing on top of disrespect for your boundaries. It's not okay. I'm not making him out to be anything, I'm working with what you've said and what I know from him. I know you want to defend him, it's a natural instinct with a friend and I'm glad to see it. However, he doesn't need defending, he needs people who are aware and can help put a stop to things he's doing that we both know he wouldn't want to if he was more aware." She watched him for a long moment. "'It was just the once' is never a good way to view something that could be that harmful to both of you. I know it sucks to face."
"He is a good guy. I really like Adam, think he's awesome, just somewhat damaged. That's why I'm taking the time to do all of this. It isn't super easy or anything, it isn't a great time. I know he's worth it. But a lot of really awesome people have really serious issues and he's one of them. It doesn't make him bad people. It makes him someone who's got things to get through." She watched Kyle's eyes, hoping she was easing his mind at least somewhat. "And you saying you're to blame for not making him understand--you can't control him any more than he can control you. You can't 'make' him understand. Either he's going to get it or he won't, and the time scale on that understanding is arbitrary too. But that's in Adam's court. You can only present someone with information, you don't get to say what they do with it."
"I'm sure it isn't all him." She smiled. "Nothing ever is. Things get complicated, especially in the moment. No one makes the right call all the time, and hell--sometimes there isn't a 'right' call. But it doesn't change what Adam did, or make it any less wrong. He needs to work out how to deal with his anxieties over losing people in a less detrimental way. One that isn't going to result in him hurting people without meaning to." Because she did believe that Adam wouldn't do something like that on purpose. She didn't believe any of this was born of some vicious desire in his head to make Kyle or anyone else miserable.
"I agree with that, and I do think he needs help with it, I just... I also know that sometimes, I don't help with what I do. Hell, I manipulated him yesterday." It was clear from Kyle's tone and demeanor that he was far from proud of that fact. "He'd just come back from being in front of the jury. After his fight with Ryan. And he was already talking about needing to keep an eye on the guy. And I knew that would go all kinds of badly. So I... asked him nicely not to. With some 'honey's and 'sweetie's and it worked - until I realised that it had also got that hope up again. I don't help."
Autumn nodded. "It's always fuzzy territory. You're in a difficult position. So, I suppose it boils down to what you need and what you want." she said. "You've said you don't want a relationship right now. And there's your huge list of reasons why not." she added.
"I would have to say, ignoring the people involved and just looking at the circumstances, I think a relationship for Adam right now wouldn't be best for him in the long run. I think he was already in one, and it was clear to me that Becka wasn't actually someone he truly wanted to be with so much as she was willing. Which was massively unfair to her. I know he would disagree. But what I think is that you're right. Adam is desperate for people to love him. I think the second he gets someone to do so, he'll stop trying to work on his issues, because he's found someone willing to put up with them. That's just human nature. Why go through all the devastatingly difficult stuff when you can just stop right where you are?" she posed. "So, what do you need, and what do you want, and are those different things?"
Kyle considered that for a moment, taking the question seriously. “I want what’s best for Adam - but I need to be sure I also do what’s best for me. Whether those two are the same or different, I don’t know. I guess that depends on who you ask. But... What you said about Becka. That’s - I feel that way sometimes,” he told her. “Like I’m not sure whether he actually wants to be with me, or whether I’m just, well there. We’ve been here for just over two weeks and he seems to skip from person to person with his crushes. And I kinda asked him about it, and he says that I’m different, but I don’t know what to believe on that. I brought up Wren earlier on - that’s because that’s another facet of what’s going on right now. She got together with Charlie - who Adam doesn’t like. But when she told Adam, the whole thing kinda went sideways, because... Well, it was stupid. There’d been some chemistry between her and Adam and long story short, when she told him that she’d gotten together with Charlie, he pretty much threw his toys out of the pram about not being able to be with her. Which really upset Wren and now I don’t even really know if they’re friends anymore. I mean - I’ve talked to Wren and she’s all kinds of confused. And I’ve talked to Adam about it and he just thinks she’s still mad at him. And in the middle of it all, he told her that I was pretty much just convenient. Which I asked him about and he’s told me that basically he lied to make himself sound like less of a dick. Or something. He lied to her, anyhow.
Kyle sighed and dropped his head down into his hands. “What I want is for all this to be less complicated,” he told her, his voice muffled by his palms. “But I don’t want to lose him. Last guy I liked, they took him away.”
Autumn listened, taking all of that on board. None of it was good, though she expected as much. "I know he's important to you, Kyle. I know you don't want to lose him any more than he wants to lose you. But...I'm sure you know this doesn't sound good. My assessment is Adam isn't ready for any kind of romantic entanglement at all. That he's very confused, latches onto people at little to no provocation and obviously drops them with little to no warning. The news about Wren is disheartening--she was on his list of trusted friends, he was very concerned about possibly screwing things up with her, though not due to this incident, mind, this was before all of these more recent developments. And now...he's lying to one of the two of you, and dropping her because she got a boyfriend?" she asked, checking to be sure that was what was happening.
"I'm... If I have anything to do with it, he won't be dropping her," Kyle said, looking up from his hands. "The whole feelings or not situation aside, I think Adam's got it into his head that if you have a partner, you can't have close friends. Which is bullshit and he needs to realise that. And I'm gonna help him with that, as his friend. I'm not getting involved with him."
"I definitely think at this point you shouldn't. But you probably need to lay down ground rules with him. Especially with his...wavering affections." she said, not sure how else to really word it. "I'm glad you won't allow the Wren thing to slide, I think he needs someone to help him with that, and someone who's actually involved there. I can talk to him too, but it'll be different coming from two sides." she said. "But definitely, ground rules are in order. If he's willing to just drop someone important due to them being unavailable, even if he--and correct me if I'm wrong here--doesn't have feelings for, or the pre-emptive strike approach, or some mixture of both, then he needs extremely clear boundaries, and you need to be able to walk away when he's disregarding them. Not forever, just exit from the current situation. It doesn't have to be a fight, it would work better if it isn't, and he will panic, and flail, but eventually he'll figure out that he needs to stop sweeping your boundaries aside, and that you aren't going to take off just because things got difficult."
Kyle looked unconvinced - but mostly because, yes, he knew Adam would panic if he started doing that. And he knew just how hard it would hit him to have to be the cause of Adam's panic. "I can try," he allowed.
"Do you want to help him?" Autumn asked. A simple, but important question.
"Of course!" Kyle protested immediately.
"Helping someone isn't pretty. It isn't easy. It isn't just standing by their side, holding their hand. It takes dedication, a thick skin and one hell of a backbone. It isn't just doing what you want to do, or doing the fluffy things." she told him, not at all unkindly. She watched his eyes as she spoke. "What Adam needs isn't you, giving him free passes even when he does things you know are fucked up. It isn't getting wishy washy and letting things go, or making excuses for him, or 'trying' to be firm." she said.
"Adam needs structure. Adam needs for people not to take bullshit, so he learns not to do it anymore. And yes, he needs to learn how to deal with his own anxiety, and that means he's going to have to go through some of it. You can't expect him to get anywhere if he doesn't ever have to deal with anything unpleasant. He isn't going to melt, if you excuse yourself from a situation that's getting complicated and uncomfortable. He needs to learn that. That it isn't the end of the world. That he'll be fine, and you two will still be friends. No amount of placation or reassurance in the world will hold a candle to him going through it a few times and seeing first hand that it isn't something to panic over. So it'll suck a few times. Everyone deals with some gigantic pockets of suck now and then. He's a big boy. He can handle it. You need to have faith in him, too, you know. You're going to have to believe in him, that he can get better. Treating him like he's too fragile to even deal with a little bit of strife is just going to reinforce his own insecurities. It'll perpetuate the cycles he's going through here. There's going to be a lot of rough water ahead, Kyle. If you honestly want to help him, then some of that is going to come from you--but when Adam comes out the other side? He'll be happier, healthier, more stable, and altogether better off than he is now."
Kyle didn't say anything for a while, thinking that over. He knew that taking that approach would feel awful. That he would feel like it was his own fault. Hell, a lot of the time it would be his own fault. He would have done something, or said something to set Adam off. Kyle knew that if he did this, he would be spending a lot of time feeling miserable and guilty. But he also knew that knowing something was going to make him miserable had never stopped him doing what he considered was right before, and if Adam would be helped by this, he wasn't going to start that now. "Okay," he said, eventually.
"Thank you." Autumn said. "I know it's going to be hard. You can always come talk to me again, my door is always open, and none of this has to be done with Adam 'in the dark'. Talk to him too, let him know why things are happening, and that it'll be okay. Talk to Wren. Talk to Mazie. Not feeling like it's going to be all on your shoulders will help you. And it can't be all on you, either way." She gave him a pale smile.
"Here's another thing that might help." she said. "Just having met Adam, this whole crazy behavior and all it represents feels almost out of line with who he is. That means just one thing to me." she said. "That this whole thing? This is Adam behaving like he learned to behave from someone else. Learned behavior can be sort of the suckiest to break, but in this case, damn, Adam needs it. I think we could both agree that if he had an outside perspective here, and could see what he was doing to people he cares about? He'd be absolutely horrified. And yet..." she sat back in her chair.
“And yet he still does it,” Kyle finished for her. “Okay - I’ll... Yeah. Thanks. It’s hard - all of this.” He paused. “He’ll have learned it from Jeffrey though. Can promise you that.”
She nodded. "Maybe I'll have to bring that up with him next time." she said, latching onto the name. "And I know. It is, and it'll keep being hard for a while. Just...believe in it. Believe in him. Believe in you. This can be done. It'll just suck in the meantime. But that's temporary." She gave him an encouraging smile.
Kyle laughed, lowly. “Temporary sucking I can deal with,” he said, under his breath. He took a moment, then stood. “Thank you - I... Think I should probably leave this in your hands now,” he said, preparing to leave.
"Okay. You're welcome. Remember--I'm here any time you might need someone to bounce things off of, or if you have any other concerns, either for yourself or him or anyone, really." Autumn said, happy to make the offer. "Have a good rest of the day, okay?" She smiled.
“I’ll try - you too,” Kyle told her. “And... Good luck, I guess,” he added. He didn’t need or want luck for dealing with Adam. The guy was a friend. He wasn’t sure, though, what Adam and Autumn were to each other. He wasn’t sure he wanted to find out. Instead, he headed out, leaving the issues behind.