Matthew Jacobs (matt_jacobs) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2013-03-23 10:20:00 |
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Entry tags: | day thirteen, edan, edan and matt, matt |
On Unfamiliar Ground
Characters: Matt and Edan
Setting: The facility store, afternoon
The rest of her morning at the shop was good, not a ton going on, but that was to be expected; there were only so many people at the facility. She doubted the shop would ever really have a rush. She was humming again, an old song, sitting behind the counter and tapping the nose of the balloon animal Cal had made for her, watching it bounce a little, then doing it again.
Matt hadn’t been looking for her, not on any conscious level anyway, but really it was inevitable that he would find her whether that had been his purpose or not because the truth was that, for reasons he was slowly coming to understand, he was impossibly drawn to Edan. The only surprising thing about him making his way down to the store was that it had taken him as long as he did to do so, letting the cool air of the tunnel wash over him as he left the elevator and made his way to the open door where he stood for a moment just out of sight watching her play with the balloon in front of her. Almost on reflex, he found himself raising his camera to take her photo wanting to capture the peaceful expression on her face before it was ruined by his presence, once again mentally thanking the administration for giving him such a quiet model, Edan’s whistling easily covering the click and whir of the shutter. That done he replace the lens cap and, knocking on the door frame to announce his presence, stepped into the room. “Hello Edan.”
His voice had her jolting, knowing it the moment she heard it, and whirring around to look at him. Matt. She hadn’t seen Matt since the night she’d walked out on him without telling him where she was going. Though he didn’t seem upset, just there and she wasn’t sure what to do with it. “Matt,” she started, voice wavering slightly, but she found a smile. “Hi. Did you...can I help you?”
Hearing that wobble in her voice, her choice of words, like she were talking to a stranger, felt like a slap in the face and it was a moment before Matt was able to find his voice, instead leaving him only able to shake his head mutely for a few moments. Eventually though he did speak, his voice as unsteady as hers had been though for him that was hardly unusal. “I w....w....w....wanted to see you, sssssspeak to you.” He took a breath and raised his head so his gaze met hers square on, the hurt and confusion all too clear in his eyes. “You didn’t come back.”
Edan’s mouth went dry, and she found herself gripping the edge of the counter. What was she supposed to say? He didn’t stutter around her as much as he had in and the past and she knew it was a bad sign. She held his gaze for a moment then ducked her head, shaking it slowly. “You scared me. I was...worried it wasn’t safe.”
If he felt bad before, it was nothing compared to the feeling that enveloped him on hearing that and immediately Matt’s gaze dropped to the floor as the implications behind what Edan was saying hammered down on him. “You thought that I might hurt you, that I would hurt you,” he said quietly, hating himself for having made her feel that way and at the same time, hating her for thinking that he would hurt her. “That’s who you think I am?”
She had to keep holding on to the counter to not go to him. That was what she wanted. She just told a guy she’d been afraid of him and she wanted to go thim. Evan was right, she was nuts. But she managed hold her ground, watching him, hearing herself explain more without much thought. “I don’t know. I didn’t think so, but you got so angry and you hurt Pippa and you didn’t even feel bad about it. I wasn’t...what if you’re suddenly mad at me Matt? You’ve seriously hurt people before because you got upset. I got...I got worried I might upset you too.”
As Edan explained, the rational part of Matt’s brain understood her reasoning, hell could even applaud her logic because deep down he knew just how much potential lurked within him for violence. The emotional part of him however, the part that had been growing louder and stronger since he’d met Edan, shot all that down though, too consumed by frustration and crushed feelings. “Pippa is crazy and dangerous, you know that! If I hadn’t hit her, do you think she wouldn’t have hit me? She was the one telling me how dangerous it was to be in a dark room, that I was going to get into trouble and...she hurt you Edan, she deserved to be hurt back. I didn’t do it just because I was angry, I’m not some kind of out of control animal that’s going to turn around and bite someone for no reason.” He turned away from her then, walking over to one of the nearby shelves, needing something solid to hold on to, to ground himself with. “Even if I was upset with you Edan, I wouldn’t hurt you.” If that was the case, wouldn’t this be the sort of time I’d do it?
“Matt,” Edan started then he was moving away and really, she didn’t want to shout across the whole store. That was what had her moving closer, leaving the safety of the counter and coming up behind him. “She didn’t deserve to be hurt back. I hurt her plenty when she hit me. She deserved to, I don’t know, sit in one of those cells across the way or somewhere else, but she didn’t deserve to be hit. You can’t just go hitting people.” She bit her lip and frowned, not sure if she believed him “Are you sure? Are you really sure? Even if I really upset you?”
“And I don’t doubt that there will be consequences for my actions now our law enforcement officials know what I did,” Matt countered, resting his head on the edge of the shelves, not wanting to look around and see judgement on Edan’s face. At her questions though, he couldn’t not turn to look at her, his eyes bright and wide with disbelief. “You really think me capable of doing something like that to you? To you Edan?! I could never....” He trailed off, unable to say any more as he sank back against the shelves, clutching his hair in his hands.
They knew. That couldn’t mean good things for Matt. He’d done what he did without thought and sure Pippa was nuts, but what if they locked Matt up? Then what? It left Edan feeling sick to her stomach, not sure how to address things. In her undying effort to want to fix things with Matt, despite the rationale that she shouldn’t, she half reached out for him, only barely stopping before getting to him. “I don’t know. I don’t. That’s why I got confused and scared. I don’t know how you feel about me all the time and you were so angry because I didn’t understand...”
“I don’t know how I feel about you either Edan but I know that it’s good, surely you realise that?” He looked up at her then, feeling unspeakable small and, unthinking, reached out for the hand she’d stretched out towards him, any fear he may have had obliterated for the moment. “I’m so sorry I got angry at you, it’s just you’re so important to be and if I couldn’t make you understand...I was wrong to do that and you deserve better.”
That he was touching her, freely, always surprised her, but Edan didn’t do more than look at his hand holding hers. “There’s not a better,” she said shaking her head. “I just...You have to know you’re scary sometimes. I was worried. I’d be insane if I wasn’t.” She had to be careful and he had to understand that.
Matt nodded, his expression grave. He understood Edan’s fear, hell there were times he scared himself with the dark thoughts that came unbidden in his mind, the memories of blood splattering across his face and the righteous anger that had come with it that lurked so close to the surface. “I don’t want you to be scared of me Edan,” he said quietly. “And if there’s anything I can do to restore some of your faith in me, just tell me and I’ll do it.”
That was reassuring in its own way, but Edan wasn’t sure how to say that. Instead she just nodded slowly, biting her lip again. “Maybe we just take our time? I think we were trying to rush a lot of things because we couldn’t rush the touching part. And then I upset you...and I don’t want to do that again.” And she needed time, just a little, to remember why she wasn’t afraid of him.
He wasn’t wild about the idea of ‘taking time’, unsure as he was about what they were taking their time over exactly, but if it was what Edan wanted, if it meant easing that fear then Matt was going to agree to it. “I don’t want to upset you either,” he said, squeezing her hand gently before letting go. “And if you think time is what we need then that’s what I’ll do. I will still get to see you though, right?”
“It’s not so much time, just...slower I guess. Ease into things?” Edan tried to explain. Nodding a little she wrapped her arms around herself, wishing she had more than just the little sundress on for some reason. “You will. We can still spend time together. I just...I’m still going to be anxious for a little bit Matt.”
She might not have known the reason for her discomfort but Matt had spent enough time watching other people to read into her body language and while it pained him to do so, took a couple of steps away from her. “I understand that,” he said, nodding his head, the tension in his hands as he took hold of his camera like an oversized worry stone the only real giveaway to how bothered he was by the situation. “If it...if it makes you feel better, we can spend our time in more public places where other people will be.” It was an offer he didn’t make lightly but he hoped it would show her how seriously he took her feelings.
When he moved away she blamed herself. She wasn’t sure it was a bad thing, but she felt bad for it. His offer though, had her shaking her head. “It doesn’t...I don’t think I need witnesses Matt.” And she knew he hated that sort of thing. He didn’t eat in the cafeteria when there was a crowd for meals. He stayed on the edges of everything when there were others around. “That’s not going to make me feel better if you feel worse,” she said, taking a step closer, but only making up part of the space he’d put between them.
She doesn’t think she needs witnesses, he thought to himself, attempting to suppress a frown. She doesn’t know though does she? She’s still scared even if she doesn’t want to be. “I’m willing to sacrifice a little of my comfort for your peace of mind Edan,” he told her, his expression serious. “Your feelings are what’s important to me right now.”
“And who would I be if I ignored yours?” Edan asked, looking at him sharply. “Terrible. I’m not doing that.” She shook her head. “Who says I can’t come see you at the library or you come here, if we’re feeling anxious.” She didn’t bring up that she’d moved though, that she was keeping that out of the conversation for the moment.
Matt was sorely tempted to point out she hadn’t considered his feelings when she’d disappeared on him, ask her if she’d thought about what it was like waiting for him waiting for her to come back and the painful realisation that she wasn’t, but he didn’t. “Here or the library are public places,” he said, gesturing around them. “Maybe not especially busy but still, this is what I meant. Or the court yard or farm if the weather is like today.”
She let out a sigh and nodded. “Okay. Then that and maybe I can come by your room at some point too.” It was hard, trying to explain herself without hurting him more. That wasn’t what she wanted. “Please Matt. I want this to be okay.”
With everything that had been said already, the suggestion of her coming to his room blindsided Matt for a moment but only like his earlier silences that had been marked by hurt, this one was accompanied by the beginnings of a smile. “I’d like that,” he said, tension starting to ease away. “And I want this to be okay as well.” Then a thought occurred to him and before he could try and convince himself not to, he blurted out. “Would you like to come with me to a party tonight? It’s for Becka, she’s graduating from the program and invited me and...I think I would enjoy it more if you were there.”
She thought about it then nodded. “Yeah I can do that,” she said, if only because of the smile. That was reason enough. “Sure.” Plus it was good for him to be around others right? She could support that.
His smile came out in full force then and although the uncertainty wasn't completely gone from his expression, it had at least been pushed back. "Thank you," he told her, his gratitude palpable as it was joined by relief at not having been shot down.
The smile was enough to bring something small smile-wise out of Edan. "Of course," she said, trying to sound reassuring.
And for the most part she was successful; even if Matt wasn't totally convinced by the tone of her voice, the smile at least seemed real even if it was only a small one. It wasn't enough to stop an awkward silence filling up the space between them though as he mentally floundered over what to say or do next, feeling like they were caught in some kind of strange limbo and he had no idea how to get them out of it. Eventually he decided that he probably shouldn't push his luck and made a vague gesture towards the door before starting to move towards it. "I'll s...s....see you later then..."
She nodded again. "You will. Promise." It might be insane but she wanted to have faith in the parts of him that weren't scary.
Taking her at her word, Matt flashed her another smile, something softer this time, and with a jerky wave, turned and made his way out of the store, not trusting himself to turn back or say anything more lest he ruin what fragile progress they had managed to make.