Saying Goodbye
Characters: Adam and Becka Setting: Becka's room, early evening
Adam hurried to Becka’s, sure that a night in jail was waiting for him, but he wanted to see her before she left, which made it more important than anything else. He was full of mixed feelings about the whole thing, surprised that she was graduating and not just leaving, surprised that she wanted to leave in the first place. It made sense when he thought about it, given what happened, but in his mind it was hard to think of prison as not being worse.
He was a little breathless when he got to her door, face throbbing where he was bruised from the little effort. He knew he looked awful, but he didn’t want to talk about that part. Of course, he wasn’t sure what else he was going to say. He was too confused by the mix of feelings.
Becka would be lying if she said she hadn’t been anxiously waiting for some kind of response from Adam through the afternoon. Even if she hadn’t actually talked to him since he’d helped her switch rooms, she did still care about him, and she’d have been extremely disappointed if she hadn’t been able to say good bye to him one on one.
When she heard the knock at the door, she didn’t hesitate to open it, still wearing the same thin, long-sleeved shirt and jeans from earlier. Her stuff was all mostly organized and together, ready to go, but as soon as she opened the door, all thoughts of her own situation flew from her mind. There was no room for those thoughts at the sight of him, the bruises twisting her stomach with worry. “Adam! What happened?!” she asked, opening the door wider and standing aside so that he could come in.
“What?” Adam heard himself asking again, as he’d done the same thing with Wren. Then he remembered his face and shook his head. “I jumped a guy. Or so he’s saying. It’s more...” How did he explain he’d tried to beat Ryan up for touching Becka? “I was pissed at Ryan, so I tried to hit him and he reminded me why I shouldn’t hit people.”
As Adam explained, Becka frowned deeply, sighing with a shake of her head. “Come in,” she requested first, not really wanting to talk about any of it in the doorway. Once he was inside she closed the door and hugged herself. “Why were you pissed at Ryan?” she asked, though she had a feeling she knew. Just like Wu believed Ryan was the one who’d hurt her, she would have been surprised if Adam didn’t believe the same.
Adam went to sit on her desk chair, looking around the room to see how empty it looked now. “He still doesn’t think he did anything wrong Becks. And...you didn’t tell me he was helping you when you were drunk.” He watched her, wanting to make her feel better.
She wrinkled her nose at that first part, understanding why that might piss him off. Ryan had done something wrong, she just wasn’t sure it was what certain people thought he’d done. At the second part, she blanched, looking away from him and shrugging jerkily. “Not exactly my most shining moment,” she murmured in response to it. And things had been really awkward after that day, so she hadn’t been sure how to talk to him about that.
He reached out, his fingers near her elbow, wanting her to stop looking away from him. “You still could have told me,” he said shaking his head a little. “I’ve had a few of those moments.” Adam tilted his head, watching her. “I dunno Becks. I just...I wanted him to stay away from you.”
When he reached out, she did look at him again. She didn’t say anything to that. What could she say? Becka sighed and shook her head slightly. “It wasn’t.... That was just a really bad day, with Caroline dying, and then... I just needed to do something stupid,” she admitted. She was clearly more focused on the fact she’d got drunk than the fact that Ryan had helped her to her room while she was drunk. “He has stayed away. I haven’t seen or talked to him since...” she paused, trying to remember, “the day before the blackout.”
“And then me being an idiot,” Adam filled in for her. Because he had been or he’d almost been one without meaning to. His fingers curled around her elbow, not wanting to do too much, he knew how that was, how it felt, how something so simple could be awful. “What did he say then?” Adam asked, focusing on not getting up and starting the fight all over again.
Becka didn’t say anything right away, not wanting to agree with him, but knowing that a part of her did. There was still a tiny sting of hurt over how things had gone that morning, but she’d mostly gotten over it and accepted that sometimes things just weren’t meant to work out. And she was okay with that. As his fingers curled around her elbow, though, she bit her lip and took a small step closer. The touch might’ve upset her coming from someone else or in a different situation, but just then she was worried about him. “The last time I saw him? We were swimming, and we just talked about random stuff - the weather and home and yeah, nothing really riveting,” she answered, not really sure what Adam was looking for with that question.
“Swimming?” he asked shaking his head a little. That didn’t feel right. Not at all. “Nothing else Becks? Nothing seemed..weird?” He gave her a tiny tug towards him gently.
Nodding slowly, Becka kept frowning. “Yeah, swimming. I’d been there for a bit when he came in.” And he hadn’t seemed to expect anyone else there, she remembered. “No, nothing,” she answered, moving a little more toward him at the tiny tug, not really sure what he wanted, but willing to go along for the moment.
He sighed a little then nodded. “Okay. Good to know.” Adam pulled at her arm, reaching for her hand and holding it. “So now what happens?” he asked, letting the Ryan stuff drop for the moment.
When he reached for her hand, she dropped it, squeezing his own when he held it and offering him a small smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Now? Now, I make my decision about where I go, and then I say my goodbyes,” she answered.
“What are you thinking, about where to go?” Adam asked, watching their fingers as he twisted them so they were laced together. Sometimes he wished it was different, that he hadn’t screwed things up so badly between them or that it just hadn’t worked out. It made the guilt surface again, about how he could have been there so she wouldn’t have been hurt.
The way Adam twisted and laced their fingers together caused her stomach to do a little flip-flop, her expression showing just a little of her confusion. He’d needed space, so she’d given it to him, and then the blackout happened, and now she was leaving - perhaps she should just take it as a friendly gesture with a hint of ‘could-have-been’. “I really hate the idea of not being with my family again, but... I don’t think I can handle seven years in prison, even with Shakopee being pretty mild comparatively,” she answered, her eyes staring almost blankly at their hands, her mind going over things it had already gone over many times today.
“I don’t blame you there. I’m more than certain I’d rather die than go back to prison,” he said glancing up at her. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, holding her hand, but it felt right and she’d always wanted that much from him. He could muster it now couldn’t he?
She nodded slightly in understanding, knowing at least a little bit of why he felt that way. “Yeah, I know.” Becka didn’t feel quite the same, but the prospect of going back to prison after what she’d gone through here now that she’d really considered the alternative of a new life just didn’t seem like the best choice for her. “I asked the Administration some questions about it all, and their answers made me think that a new life might not be unbearable for me. I’ll still be able to keep in touch with my family, as long as they don’t find out my new identity or location,” she told him. It had been the thing that had most tipped the scales in favor of graduating.
"Really?" Adam asked, surprised by that, but pleased to hear it for her. He knew how much her family meant to her. His meant the same, but he doubted he'd be going back there again. "That's great."
Becka nodded, understanding the surprise. She’d been surprised, herself, having assumed that zero contact with anyone she used to know would be the rule. “Really, and yeah, it is great. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’m beginning to think that I need to do this - start over on my own and really figure out who I am and what I’m meant to do, or something.” She didn’t feel quite as silly admitting that to Adam as she might to someone else.
"I think you do too. And not just because of what happened because if anyone who's talked to me about stuff is right, then you can't just avoid it." Which Adam had tried his best at. "But I think you do. Start over without all the rules and the bad shadows making everything a certain color when they aren't that. Maybe trusting a little more."
Had she been avoiding it? Maybe just a little bit, considering she hadn’t talked to anyone about what had happened in any kind of detail other than when she’d given her statement to Jae. Professionally, she knew that she should probably be in some kind of counseling, and maybe she would look into that once she was on the outside, but what good would it do when anyone on the outside probably wouldn’t be able to understand the unique situation she’d been in here. She didn’t mean to, but she pulled a face at that last bit. “I want to trust more, but... I guess I’ll try. I don’t want the past to keep me from living. I think maybe I’ll go back to school,” she said, the idea just coming to her then.
"It's a slow thing, but..." Adam trailed off wanting to be gentle. "You weren't that great at it before. I don't want to see you miss out on things because you're holding on to an old grudge or fear." He squeezed her hand a little, trying at being reassuring. "What're you thinking about going back for?" He had mixed feelings about her not being a nurse but it might be for the best. Better than putting herself in the same situation that got her here.
Becka frowned at that, realizing that she hadn’t fully understood what he was getting at before. Her trust issues had changed in the last week, shifting so that it wasn’t all about that stupid bet in high school. No, she’d mostly gotten past that now just in trying to start something up with Adam. “It’s not about an old grudge, Adam,” she said softly. “I still don’t know who.... And that is pretty scary. That’s why I just can’t stay here anymore. But don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay,” she said, offering him a small smile. “I have no idea yet,” she admitted. All she knew was that it wouldn’t feel right to go back to being a nurse. She was capable with it, but it wasn’t something she was passionate about to her core.
Adam got up and drifted closer. "I know you don't. I can't...I can't imagine that." His was multiple instances but at least he knew who had done it. It didn't help, but it wasn't something that haunted him like that. Letting out a sigh, he nodded. "I wouldn't want to either. And you're getting out. It's the best deal." He tried at a smile but it seemed sad then faded. "I'm so sorry Becks."
When Adam got up and drifted closer, she smiled sadly up at him. No, she hadn’t thought he could imagine it, having figured that he’d known who his attackers in prison had been. It terrified her to think that it could be someone she’d talked to, maybe even someone she’d enjoyed being around. “I am getting out! It’s a pretty good deal. I just... wish they’d have found out before, so I wouldn’t have to wonder. All I can hope now is that the Administration will contact me with who it was if it is ever discovered.” She didn’t have any great hope there, though. At his apology, she frowned at him. “Why?” she asked. There were so many things he could be sorry about, and she didn’t want to assume.
"If they figure it out, I'll let you know." Adam sounded sure of it, even if he wasn't sure how. He'd try and make some demand and hope it would work. He looked down at their hands again, running his fingers of his free hand along hers to fidget. It wasn't really a tender thing as much as it was something to do with his hands. "Lot of things. For screwing things up and not being here when he hurt you. I maybe could have stopped it."
It was nice of Adam to say, but she knew that there was no way for him to let her know. And then she thought of something else, biting her lip briefly before sharing her thought. “Would you want my e-mail address, for when you get out of here? Not for... Just to see how we’re doing kind of thing?” she asked. She could give him her one from before - there was no reason she couldn’t check it once she was out of here. She smiled softly at the extra contact, not commenting on it or reading anything into it. As much as she’d liked Adam, too much had happened, and with her leaving, it wouldn’t do either of them any good to read anything into it. “Oh, Adam,” she said in a pained whisper. “Don’t - don’t think like that. There’s no use. What happened, happened, and thinking about what ifs will only drive you crazy.” She’d tried so hard not to think about the what ifs, though she knew she’d failed more than once in the past few days.
He nodded, not sure he'd be great at keeping up, but he'd take the contact. Couldn't hurt could it? "Definitely. Just don't be worried if it's a while before I get out of here." The smile he gave her at what she said was pained as well. "Can't help it. I just keep going over all of it. I screwed up a lot and you got hurt. It shouldn't go like that."
Her smile was just a little more natural at that, and she gave a small shake of her head. “I know. You will get out of here, though, and it would be nice to hear from you when you do - whether it’s a month, a year, or even five years from now,” she said honestly. Adam was the first person she’d talked to here, the first guy she’d really wanted to try to have a relationship with, and even now she wanted to consider him a friend. Her expression was no less pained as she shook her head. “No, I didn’t get hurt because you screwed up,” she said firmly. “And things didn’t work out - that doesn’t mean you screwed up. It’s no one’s fault that it didn’t work out, and the only one to blame for what happened to me during the blackout is the man that attacked me, so don’t project the blame onto yourself. We both know you weren’t the person who hurt me.” And it was true, as sad and disappointed as she’d been that things hadn’t worked out between them, that wasn’t anywhere near the hurt she’d experienced during the blackout.
"Eventually. We will see." Adam was thinking though that he didn't want to get out if Kyle wasn't getting out as well. Or Wren. Plus, for him with so long to go, it seemed too soon. "I know all that, but I still feel guilty. I'm always trying to protect people and I feel like I could have done more."
To Becka, there wasn’t really a question of it, but she wasn’t going to push her confidence onto him. Instead, she just gave him a small smile and let it go. She sighed softly at his insistence that he still felt guilty. “It isn’t your job to protect everyone all the time. You’re just one person,” she pointed out gently. “And what could you have done, anyway? I spent most of that night writing letters home by candlelight, and my door was locked when I went to bed. Even if things hadn’t got all screwed up with us, it might not have gone any differently.” There was no guarantee either way, of course, but she had her doubts that it would have changed anything, except perhaps the tone of the letters she’d written.
"I might have been here," Adam said. And maybe she hadn't gotten drunk and been around Ryan. Not that he knew Ryan did anything for sure, but he had a feeling and it wasn't going away.
Becka wasn’t actually sure she believed he’d have been there even if they had been together still, but that could just be an inability to see how things could have been different between considering how spectacularly it had failed. “Maybe, but what good does it do to wonder? I’m going to be fine - this won’t destroy me, I won’t let it, so we’ve both just gotta accept that it happened and move on.” Because even she had her moments when she wondered, and so she needed to take her own advice here and could admit as much.
He smiled a little at that. "Good. That's the right way to think. That you will get better." He was still learning that himself and at times he wasn't sure if he would. But it was the right way to think.
Nodding, Becka was glad to hear that Adam knew it was the right way to think, and she hoped that he was doing better in thinking that way, too. “You’ll get better, too,” she said confidently. After a moment she gave his hand a little tug. “Can I give you a hug?” she asked, not wanting to just assume that because he was holding her hand he would be okay with a hug too.
Some days, Adam believed what she said, about getting better. It was half of one of those days so when he smiled it was genuine, just small. “Of course,” he told her reaching out to wrap his arms around her in a hug.
That his smile seemed genuine was something Becka that was seeing as promising. He’d taken the first steps toward getting better already, and she was just going to hope that he’d continue on the path. As his arms went around her, she smiled softly and slipped hers around him, resting her head on his chest. It was the closest she’d been to a male since the blackout, but she didn’t feel anxious or jumpy, which she was relieved about.
Adam held on to her, head ducked to be near hers. He was quiet for a long moment. “Gonna miss you,” he finally said, feeling it. It would be weird that she just wouldn’t be around anymore, even if they didn’t see each other much.
Becka was quiet during that long moment, needing it. When he spoke, she nodded against his chest. “Yeah, I’ll miss you, too,” she returned the sentiment, though it was no less genuine. As confused and messed up as things had become between them, she would miss him. After giving herself another long, quiet moment with him, she sighed and pulled back, moving to sit on the couch. “So other than picking fights with guys that are twice your size, what have you been up to lately?” she asked, not quite ready for it to be goodbye just yet.
Adam let her go, even if he didn’t mind the lingering. Rubbing the back of his head he sat on her desk chair again and shrugged. “Been spending a lot of time with Kyle I guess. Wren too. But probably more Kyle.”
As much as she’d have enjoyed lingering longer, she didn’t want it confusing things in her head any more. She smiled slightly at his answer. “Well, that’s good, then. Kyle’s a good friend - Wren, too.” Even if she’d had some uncomfortable thoughts about the other girl’s friendship with Adam back when things had started getting so messed up. It wasn’t something she was proud of, as she knew she’d been reading too much into things.
Adam bit his lip a little and nodded. “He is,” he agreed, but it carried something else under it, something that he really wasn’t good at hiding when it came to Kyle.
There was something more in those two words. Becka could tell even if she couldn’t pinpoint what it actually was. She was quiet for just a couple beats, biting her lower lip as she debated whether or not to ask. “Are things not going well with him?” she finally asked.
“Huh?” Adam asked, surprised to hear that. “With Kyle? No. I mean...well it’s kind of all mixed up in other stuff that isn’t going as well, but he’s still my best friend so that part’s fine.” It was just the part where Adam like Kyle as more and Kyle was sticking to the best friend part.
Okay, yeah, there was definitely something more going on there, and Becka felt so very out of the loop because she had no idea what it was. “Oh... Okay.” She felt just a little awkward then, as if she shouldn’t ask more about it.
He half laughed at himself and shook his head. “Everything’s fine. Promise,” he told her, moving the chair a little closer as he sat in it. He wasn’t quite sure how he told the girl that he’d liked that the new object of his affection was a dude without really freaking her out.
Becka really wasn’t sure she believed that, but what could she say? “Are you sure? Because you can talk to me, if you want,” she offered. Okay, so apparently she could say that. It would probably bug her if she left things at that.
Adam smiled a little more, nodding. "I know I can. It's just one of those things that's mostly sorted at this point. Me and him figuring out where we stand and all that." Which was together in the end, I matter the capacity.
While she was glad that whatever it was had mostly been sorted by now, she still found herself really confused. “Where you stand? I didn’t know there was a question of that,” she said, the request for him to elaborate clear in her words.
She really was going to make him explain this wasn’t she? He looked at his hands for a moment then shrugged. “I told him...I’m interested in being more than best friends,” he said, words quiet, not sure how she’d take it. It was complicated at best, and while he wasn’t that bothered by liking a guy, because that sort of thing didn’t really bother him, he guessed Becka might not get that he had liked her and now Kyle.
Well, that was definitely not something Becka had expected. It wasn’t even in the realm of anything she’d have expected him to say. She looked at him blankly for two long seconds, then blinked, trying to get past her surprise and the question that immediately popped in her head of why something with Kyle would be okay when being with her wasn’t while he was trying to heal. The fact that Adam apparently wasn’t completely straight was something she accepted without question. “Oh, wow,” she said, lacking eloquence in that moment. And then a question crossed her mind, and it was asked before she could think to check herself. “Is that why you didn’t like Leandro so much?” Was it possible he’d been harboring a crush on Kyle even while they were trying to figure things out?
He guessed it was a ‘wow’ thing, but didn’t quite look up at her when she said it. At mention of Leandro though, he made a face. The suggestion that Leandro had hurt Becka hadn’t gone over well with Kyle even if Adam worried about it. Not as much as Ryan, but maybe it was something he didn’t know. “I don’t think that was all of it. I mean maybe part of it, but I wasn’t...I didn’t know?” Did that make sense? He hoped it did.
As insecure as Adam may have been in his answer, it actually put her a little at ease about it all. He was clearly in a state of some confusion over his own feelings in the matter, so even if his feelings for Kyle had somehow contributed to things not really working between them, she could take some comfort in the fact that he probably wasn’t entirely certain what he felt about much of anything. She nodded just a bit. “Okay. So, Kyle... Wait, you said he’s still your best friend, so it’s not... reciprocated?” she asked, feeling for him just a bit if that were the case. She understood very well that you couldn’t always control who you had feelings for.
There was a tiny hesitation, then Adam half shrugged. “No, not so much.” He wondered sometimes, but he knew better. It wasn’t quite reciprocated. “Plus he’s not...in a place for that even if it was.”
Although she did feel for him, she couldn’t help but think that Adam wasn’t really in a place for that, either. Wasn’t that the reason they’d put the brakes on whatever was going on between them? “Oh, well, maybe it’s for the best that you guys focus on your friendship right now, then?” she ventured gently.
That was the company line wasn’t it? Adam nodded, and smiled even if it wasn’t quite all the way to his eyes. “Yeah, that’s the plan.” It could be worse. They could not be friends and Adam just had to keep reminding himself of that.
What more was there to say about it? It would be small of her to point out that he’d needed to not be in a relationship, that it was too much - though maybe it was that he needed to not be with her. Whatever the reason, she decided to just let it go. She was leaving, and she did want him to be happy, so she would hope that Kyle would get to a place where he could reciprocate Adam’s feelings. “I voted for you to be the facility dragon slayer, you know,” she changed the subject with a small smile.
Smiling more, something a little more genuine and less hiding other feelings, Adam looked up at her properly. “Yeah? I don’t think you were the only one. I did wind up being bartender. Which is where I should head soon, or well, where I was heading. I think I’ve got to go sit in detention now.”
Becka wasn’t surprised to hear that he didn’t think she was the only one, though the thought brought up another - she wouldn’t be able to witness the rescue that Kyle and Wren were organizing, and that was just a little disappointing. She just hoped that if and when it did go down, Adam would play along and just be silly with it. She rather thought he needed a bit more silly in his life. Wrinkling her nose at the mention of detention, she hated the thought of him down there, of this being a final goodbye now. Or, well, maybe it would just be a goodbye for now. “Oh, okay,” she said, disappointed. Standing up, she went over to the desk and grabbed a piece of paper and pen. After jotting down her old email address, she tore the paper out and handed it to Adam. “I really hope to hear from you, no matter how long it takes,” she told him.
“I figure I should turn myself in. I think losing the fight changes the part that I started it, but I can’t just ignore it right? Gotta be a good example.” He took the piece of paper and got up, pulling her into a hug again. “I hope so too. Be good okay?”
Hopefully it would work in his favor to turn himself in. Becka hated the thought that he would get in trouble for essentially defending her honor, even if there was no proof that Ryan had actually done anything to her. She put it out of her mind as he pulled her into a hug, wrapping her arms around him again and giving herself a long, quiet moment with him. When he spoke, she nodded and pulled back to give him a small smile. “Yeah, I will. You too - try, anyway,” she finished, tone just slightly teasing.
“Obviously I’m already bad at it,” Adam said. “Though I am under strict order to behave for now.” He hesitated a moment then leaned in and pressed a small kiss to her forehead. “I’ll miss you Becks.”
That got a small, quirked smile from her, and she gave him one firm nod. “I absolutely agree with that order,” she teased him lightly. Her smile was softer and just a bit more natural when he kissed her forehead, her eyes slipping closed for just a brief moment. “I’ll miss you too, Adam,” she said genuinely.
He smiled a little at her looking like that, lingering for a moment before pulling away. “Congrats,” he said starting towards the door. “Don’t waste it. And I’ll see you around.”
A chill took the place of the warmth she’d felt when he pulled away. “Thanks,” Becka said softly. “I won’t, I promise,” she assured him, staying where she was as she watched him leave. Wherever life took her next, she was glad that she’d known him, even for this short time.