statements and perspectives
Characters: Adam and Wren Setting: Governor’s Office, early evening
Things could be worse. That was what Adam was settling on, because if he focused on how things weren’t really great, he’d be in an endless loop of trying to come up with ways to make them better and likely wind up making himself insane as a result. They could be worse. Things were going to be okay with Kyle, mostly, provided his crush thing didn’t get in the way. He might very well get in trouble for the fight with Ryan, but he was ready for that and sure it really couldn’t be as bad as the bruises already on his cheek and lip or the black eye that was settling in quite nicely.
There was the issue of Wren, which was actually weighing on him as he started towards ‘work’ or whatever they were calling his shifts at the bar. It wasn’t really one thing or another to him, but he supposed he had to do it and he had asked to do it afterall. Might as well make the most of it.
Up until today he hadn’t given the now Governor’s office much thought at all, just a door that suddenly wasn’t locked anymore, but when he walked by headed for the elevator to the basement, the door was actually open. What he saw when he glanced had him stopping, staring for a moment. It was like thinking about her just made her appear and while he was glad to see Wren, part of him twisted up anxiously at the thought of talking to her. Anxious or not, it didn’t stop his mouth from speaking without him having a chance to really think it through. “Wren.”
Wren had been working on the farm earlier in the day. She didn't feel even a little bit better about things, and she kept spinning them in her mind. Only nothing made any better sense now than it had before. So, she'd concentrated on weeding, which had helped at least focus her attention for a while. Then she'd showered, and headed to the office, where she was writing up a few things at she imagined eventually may need addressing.
When she heard her name, she knew the voice without looking up. She stilled, a tension shooting through her that wasn't disguised well. Looking up, she saw him, and she immediately frowned. "What happened?" she asked, setting her pen down as she stood, walking closer. "Are you alright?"
It took Adam a moment to determine what she was asking about, too caught up in the way she'd tensed at the sound of his voice. That was an awful thing, his best friend tensing around him. You're turning into Jeffrey. His friends tensed around him too. When he realized she meant his face he shook his head. "I'll live. It was my fault. I got into a fight thinking I might win or something, when I definitely know better." He watched her for a breath then his shoulders sank. "I'm sorry Wren. For everything."
Wren didn't say anything for a moment, not looking the least bit deterred from her concern. She reached out, almost touched him, and in the end did not. He looked like he had in fact been tended to, so there was nothing further she could likely do, but the instinct was to help. "Who did you fight with? What happened that you started something? Is there going to be more trouble? Have you been reported?" she rattled the questions off, all of them important.
When she moved to touch him, he drifted closer, craving that, wanting it to make things better between them. "Ryan. Mostly because he was being a dick and I was trying to defend Becka's honor and maybe yours too and I don't like that he seems to think he's not done anything wrong when I just don't see how he hasn't." He shrugged his shoulders. "I doubt there will be more trouble, considering I obviously lost and as for being reported, I haven't heard anything, but I’m sure it's possible." Which he hadn't fully thought out but he supposed could wind him up in the jail cells in the basement. How fitting.
Ryan? Oh dear. And partially because of her? And Becka? God. Wren drew in a deep breath and held it for a moment, letting it out slowly. "We have rules here, now." she told him, first. "And we have a system in place for these things." Sort of. "Just having lost a fight doesn't mean that there wouldn't be further trouble, Adam, it could still mean that Ryan's going to report you, and you'll be in detention before you know it." she said, walking back to the desk. She sat down, and started writing things down. "When did it occur? Did anyone see it? Did he say anything to you when it was over? Have you been down to see Cal?"
Adam watched her walk away and waited through her questions before he followed after her and took the pen from her hand. "There were rules outside and in prison and it didn't stop fights from happening. If they feel the need to lock me up more because I threw a punch and fucking lost fine. Ryan was in your room when he shouldn't have been. He was in Becka's. He bragged about how he was so great to her when she got drunk over me and not long after that Becka got raped. So I got in a fight. I lost, I won't do it again. Let 'um lock me up. Been there done that." Adam didn't get like this but Ryan got under his skin almost as much as the way Wren wasn't really acting like his friend anymore. "I shouldn't have bothered you," he said, falling back on his urge to take himself out of equations when he had that unfounded sense he might not be wanted. If he just left her alone she could be happy with Charlie. He even took a step back, eyes glancing at the door.
Wren looked up at him, not overly pleased he took her pen. So she opened the drawer and got a new one. "Adam," she started. "I have been elected as an official here. I have to record this, in some fashion. I understand that you think this is all fine and good, but it isn't. And I'm not going to fail at my duty. It can only protect you, to have it down, reported. I don't want him coming around later and making things worse." She kept her gaze on him. "Maybe you feel like it's 'been there done that' but it wouldn't be for me. Or for Kyle." she added, because she really felt that was relevant.
When he said he shouldn't have bothered her, she looked very confused. More so as he got closer to the door. "..." she opened her mouth, but no words came out. But the fact that she was massively unhappy was very clear on her features.
He waited a breath and then shook his head. “I wasn’t looking to report it. Kyle knows what happened, he’d understand. He knows why I did it.” Adam had answered the question his friend had asked, not the elected official, but he couldn’t think of a way to say that without hurting her feelings more. “I just thought you wanted to know. That’s all. This,” he waved around the room, “wasn’t what I was answering for.”
Then that face, the one that looked so upset, that Adam couldn’t take and he was headed back to the desk, setting down her pen again and trying hard not to keep shaking his head. “I know you want to do the right thing with this. I get that. I also don’t care what happens to me. But that’s not why I stopped. I stopped because we’re fighting or maybe things just aren’t right between us and I hate it.”
"And you would still be locked up, Adam, you can't tell me that Kyle would be just fine with that and it would have no impact on his day! It wouldn't matter why you did it!" Wren said, wondering just how Adam could think that. That it was all just fine, or...whatever it was that he thought. Like it wouldn't matter. She looked confused again at his saying he thought she wanted to know. "Know what?"
When he walked back over, she sat down, and was silent for a long moment. "Well, other people do care what happens to you, and it's hurtful that you don't. And it goes completely against what we talked about before, when we were talking about becoming real people. I don't know what brought on this attitude, but it's terrible, and needs to stop. Now." she said first. "As for the rest of it, don't you think that takes a back seat to your walking up to me injured? What kind of person would I be if I ignored that for something we can certainly talk about later when there's clearly much more pressing matters weighing in?"
Adam watched her for a moment, shoulders sinking. “I know you care. That’s why I told you. I just wasn’t expecting you to turn it into part of your job. I told my friend.” And then he’d said it and wished he’d hadn’t. But she was Wren and he could already see her making this job the same as when she was the Prophet, less her and more the job, thinking the two had to be the same. “And really, me getting the crap kicked out of me doesn’t matter as much as fighting with you does.”
"And as your friend, I'm doing my job. Which, at the moment, includes covering you." Wren told him, not seeing why there was a conflict of interest for him. To Wren, it was very much the same thing. "I wasn't 'turning it into' part of my job. I'm doing what I need to to help. Someone else already patched you up, you don't need me for medical attention. But helping you stop self destructing, since that's what it seems like you're doing right now, then that I can do." At the last part, she took a second to draw in another breath, and let it out slowly. "Adam," she started. "How does that possibly add up to you? Someone clearly having been in an altercation, in pain, possibly in trouble, how does that 'not matter'? And again--what kind of person do you think I am, that that wouldn't matter to me? That I'd be too focused on my own problems not to help you deal with yours? Especially if you could potentially be in danger?"
Mentally, she was thinking back to Adam's issues with Charlie. How he believed that Charlie had done the wrong thing, that it seemed like Adam thought he should have been wholly focused on her, instead of the rest of the people there or the circumstances as a whole. That suddenly made a whole lot more sense to her in light of this conversation now. Adam didn't focus past whatever it was he was most upset about, which apparently discluded everything else, even if it probably should have taken priority. And he expected everyone else to do that too. For her, that was unthinkable. It would have been petty, childish, to do such a thing. It would have made her feel like a terrible person, to so callously toss aside her concern for his wellbeing. She very abruptly felt like she was unqualified to deal with this.
How had they gotten on so completely different pages? “I guess it adds up because I’m telling you outside of maybe a hug or something, that I don’t need anything else,” he explained, voice softer. “I’m not self destructing. I lost my temper. It’s happened before. I’m not used to caring about things.” He waited a breath then tapped the page she’d started writing on. “Come on, I’ll tell you whatever you need to know. What else did you want to ask.” He could do what she felt like needed to be done if it helped. What he wanted to deal with was their fight, their issues, though he guessed if Kyle was here, he’d be poking him to tell him to get it straight and just do what Wren wanted.
"Explain to me how this whole fight thing, then blatantly saying the words 'I don't care what happens to me' does not equal self destructive." Wren said, very firmly. Because she didn't know another way to put that. "Why are you so determined to blow everything off? It's like...like you walk in here wounded, and I'm supposed to ignore it, and you're angry with me for not doing so. Or you were going to leave, or...or something. I do not understand." When he tapped the page, she did write more down, though her concentration was broken at best.
“It’s not a ‘I don’t care at all’, it’s more a, if there’s going to be some sort of punishment, then fine I’ll take it. I wouldn’t hit him again, but I don’t really regret hitting him. He thinks he’s innocent when I know better.” Adam ran his thumb, over his lip, pressing against the bruise hard enough for a shot of pain. “You aren’t supposed to ignore it, I just don’t want to focus on it. That’s all. And yeah I was thinking of leaving because...I felt like I was a burden.”
"What you just said isn't the same thing as you not caring what happens to you." Wren said, not seeing them in the same light. She understood the words he said, just not how they connected to the other things. Which could have been just a failing of hers. "Don't push at injuries." she told him, also wondering how he was sitting there trying to convince her he wasn't self destructive if he was going to be doing things like that. "Well, just because you don't want to focus on it doesn't mean I'm the bad guy for not following along with that. I'm never going to be the kind of person who would ignore that. If that's the kind of person you want around, you will need to look elsewhere." she told him. "...where do you get 'burden'?"
“Well it’s what I meant. I don’t care about whatever punishment happens if there is one. Going two rounds with Ryan might be punishment enough.” He pulled his hand away from his lip, sitting on it to keep from fidgeting again. It was was more an attempt to do something with his hands than anything else. “I never said you were the bad guy. You’re not the bad guy. If anyone is the bad guy, that’s me.” Shrugging a little he looked at the ground. “You seemed...distant. And you tensed when you heard my voice. I thought maybe you didn’t want me around anyway.”
"Well, you walking away sure feels like punishment for being the bad guy." Wren told him. "And...you're just full of hurtful things to say today, aren't you?" she asked, incredulous. That with a heavy dose of hurt. "You must think I am an awful person. Your opinion of me has to be the lowest possible, if you really think that I wouldn't want you around. You are my friend, even if you haven't been acting like it. I'm confused, and hurt, and really want to shake you by the shoulders, but I do not deserve this. If I seemed distant, I don't know how. I was trying to help, and was concentrating on you being hurt. Tensing happens when you're in the middle of something messy and confusing with someone else. It's a natural reaction and I don't appreciate having that held against me either." It was the complete opposite of the approach Kyle had suggested, but Wren couldn't help it. Not when he said things like that, because the only conclusions she could draw was that Adam must think she was a terrible person and an even worse friend.
For a while there, Adam had thought that what Ryan had done hurt, but really, it paled in comparison to the pain that radiated through him at her words. For a long moment he just stared at her, mouth slightly open, surprised at what she was saying, but even more so that he’d left her feeling that way. He knew some of it, maybe, but not all of it. And he wasn’t trying to hurt her. This time when he pulled her pen away, he just set it aside so he could hold her hand. “I’m sorry,” he said, quietly, shaking his head. “I don’t think you’re awful. I think you’re the best out there. When I said I thought you wouldn’t want me around, it wasn’t you I was being awful to, it was me. I want you to be happy, really happy, and I’m worried I don’t help with that.” He glanced up at her, hoping his words made sense. “You can still shake me if you want.”
"I don't care what it is you think you meant. Because it's wrong. You weren't being awful to you. You thought I didn't want you around. Which means that you think I'm that person. You think I'm like that. You think I would be like that. So, you can't think I'm 'the best out there'. Not if you twisted everything around in your head enough to honestly believe that about me. Because that isn't about you, Adam. What you said isn't about you. It's what you think I would want." And god, did that hurt. It was plain in her voice, on her face. She couldn't have hid it if she tried. "And apparently you also think that my being happy would somehow drop you out of the blue for no reason. That the first hiccup we hit, I would cut you out, like some heartless monster." She swallowed hard, around the lump in her throat. "I don't deserve this, Adam. You're being unfair to me. I never imagined anything like this from you. But you need to think. Really, really think about what it is that goes on in your head, and how it twists around, because you may think that you're just down on yourself? But you aren't. You're down on everyone around you. You just think it translates to you. But it really, really doesn't. Because in order for your fears to be realized...we'd all have to be the monsters you seem to assume we are."
Adam was shaking his head hard as she spoke, not thinking that at all. The pain in her features was enough to get him around the desk, pulling at her hand to see if she’d rise to a hug, because really that was all he wanted, to hold and her try and make it better. “I don’t think of you as a monster Wren. I’m sorry. I swear. Maybe I’m just used to monsters, and not sure how to deal with people who actually forgive others. You don’t deserve it. You’re right. I want to be better.”
Wren didn't want a hug. She wanted for him not to think such terrible things about her. She wanted to go back to the part before she had to wonder if the only reason he'd been friends with her was because he wanted something out of her. Before he decided for both of them that now everything had to change, and she didn't get a choice in the matter. Before he went and canceled their plans for after they got out of here. Before Adam, as far as she could tell, cut himself out of the equation and told himself that it was all her. She wasn't going to shoulder that. Not when it was so completely untrue.
She didn't want a hug, but she gave him one. She just didn't know what to say now.
For an instant it was right, it felt a little better, but then she was silent and Adam had a sinking feeling it might actually be worse. He pulled away almost quickly, letting go of her and giving her space, hoping she thought of it as his own issues not her. It was definitely feeling like his own issues with the way the muscles between his shoulder blades pinched tightly with tension from being touched, from not feeling like he could breathe. “Is there anything I can do to fix this?” he wound up asking, only barely looking at her.
"I don't know." Wren said, sitting back down. She was looking at the floor, voice quiet. "I had things I was going to say. But it all pales out pretty badly in light of this." she said. "I was going to tell you that you don't get to do this to me. You don't get to make decisions on how things will go without my say. Or cancel things, or put them 'on hold', just because one thing has changed in my life. That it all makes me feel like the only interest you had was something else with me, when that wasn't at all what we based our friendship on. But now I'm being treated like a cheating girlfriend, or...or something, and none of it is fair. You've done me wrong. And I know you said you were sorry, but...I just don't know how to move ahead from here. Not knowing how you see things. See me. I want things to get better, I don't want to lose you as a friend. But right now it feels like I never was, to you. Like I got a significant other, and now I'm useless to you. So, I don't know how this gets fixed. I think it's all got to do with you, and what you do from here."
Adam looked around until he found a spare chair, pulling it towards where she was so he could be at her level, even if she wasn’t looking at him. “Wren, you’ve always been my friend. You’ve been my friend when I didn’t want you to be, and when I needed you. That’s always been the case.” He ducked his head, trying to catch her eyes, but didn’t force it. “As for things changing between us...we can still be friends, but...there might be some stuff I change. Because I wouldn’t feel right. It wouldn’t be fair to you or to Charlie. If you were with me, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with you in those situations and I’m sure he’s the same way.” And the thought of how much he really couldn’t stand Charlie surfaced, but Kyle’s advice won out and Adam kept from making a face about it. If Charlie was going to screw up, he was going to do it on his own. Adam would just be there to help with the pieces that the jerk left behind. “I don’t want to put our plans on hold either, but...I don’t want to get in the way of new plans you might have if things get serious with him. You two...there’s a lot of history there Wren and he cares a lot about you and you about him. You two deserve plans. I love our plans. I want our plans, but I don’t want to ruin your chance at something else.” There were other things Adam wanted to say, but he couldn’t find the words. How did he tell her he worried that she’d told Charlie she liked Adam and Charlie had given her something else to like? Not when Kyle had pointed out that maybe Wren made her choices in that moment, that she’d rather be with someone she knew, someone she trusted, and knew how he felt about her than the mess that was Adam. “You aren’t useless. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have. About you, about Kyle. I was confused and not thinking clearly, but I’ve thought about it Wren and I’m sorry. I want you to be happy. Whatever it takes, I’ve got your back.”
"Basing assumptions on your own reactions means you won't ever get to know what other people actually do and do not want. Or in this case, what they are and are not alright with." Wren said. "If you're that concerned, ask him. I did." she said. "Our plans were important to me. If I wanted to change them, or add to them in light of Charlie coming with, then I'd say so. It isn't your place to just cut everything off on the idea that maybe I'll also have plans with him. I don't see why I can't have both. For instance, he wants to travel around for a while. I could still do that and have the house on the beach with you. That could be actual home. Real home. So, you can start trusting that I can make decisions for myself, unless I specifically ask for help."
"One thing does not cancel out the other. You two don't cancel each other out. And I know you don't get along, but I told Kyle this, and maybe you should hear it too--Charlie would never ask me to ditch you, and he wouldn't do anything that would jeopardize our friendship. He's the one person in the world who knows first hand just how isolated my life has been, and he wouldn't do anything that would make me more isolated again. He'd never do anything that would lose me a friend. He knows what that would do to me, and he'd never hurt me like that. So, even if he doesn't like you, he'll ignore that. And he sure wouldn't say that I couldn't have plans with you like our house on the beach, because he wants his own plans. You won't ruin anything. Or, you won't unless you keep doing things like this."
"I want everyone to be happy. And I think it's going to take trusting people, being very honest, and you to stop..." she sighed and made a gesture. "There's a saying. About shooting yourself in the foot. You need to not do that."
Adam was having a very hard time seeing how ‘traveling around for a while’ and having a house actually worked together, but then she said the part about it being a real home and he figured they’d sort that part out later. The woman had lived in a car, then a commune that wasn’t really hers either. If she wanted a home, Adam would give it to her. “Okay then, we can stick with it. Make it your home. You deserve one. I won’t leave it until someone drags me out of it.”
He held his hand out for hers again, watching her eyes, but not taking her hand, letting her come to him if she wanted. “I promised Kyle, and I should promise you too, that I’m going to try and be better about Charlie. Sure I don’t like him, but if he makes you happy? What can I say otherwise?” He tried for a smile, though it was a little weak it was there. “I am really good at shooting myself in the foot. I am surprised I still have one. Between hurting you like a jackass when I didn’t mean to or want to I also did a good job of almost messing things up with Kyle too. I need to get better at this and I am trying. I need to trust you that you still want me around and not let fear pull me away.” Because otherwise, he really would wind up alone. He didn’t need her cards to tell him that.
"You don't have to promise never to leave, Adam. Sounds like you'd be chained there, like you were some prisoner. I don't want that either. And don't stick with things so steadfastly that you don't leave room for your own desires and plans too. Never know. At some point, maybe you'll have someone that you're including too, besides Kyle." she said.
She did reach out to let him have her hand. She gave his a squeeze. "You can both dislike each other all you want. Do I wish you got along better? Yes. But honestly I don't require it from either of you, that's your business. Just...don't let the fact that you don't like him color your perceptions of what he will or will not do. He's a good man."
"All you need to do to get better at this is being up front with people. With me. With Kyle."
“Well, I’d leave, I’m just not sure I’m up for traveling. Though I guess I never really considered it.” At mention of Kyle his insides twisted a little. Kyle couldn’t lose him, he’d said that much, but there was still that sense that it wasn’t quite enough. He was going to have to learn to live with that. “I don’t think I’ve worked out if Kyle and I have plans yet...”
While Adam had a hard time seeing how Charlie was that good of a man and not like the Wizard of Oz, a fake, he still nodded. “I’m trusting you on this one. If you think so, I can believe he’s good to you.”
“I will work on it. Though upfront isn’t always working for me and Kyle.”
"Well, even if you two don't solidly say it, he could always have an open invitation. And if you won't extend it, I will." Wren told Adam. She assumed he'd be present, and she still did. "I hope you can believe it." she added.
"Well, convoluted isn't going to work either. Maybe things get bumpy sometimes, but I still don't see how just burying things or saying nothing is helpful. It's up to you, of course, but you asked. So, that's my answer. Being up front with everyone."
“No, no I can extend it. I should. I think.” He hadn’t gotten past the current for him and Kyle, but that did make sense. It should come from Adam. It was Adam that wanted him there. “No convoluted isn’t getting me anywhere either.” He ran his hand over his head and shook it. “We’ve talked about everything at this point. I know how he feels, he knows how I feel. Now we just move forward. But I figure, you’re right. Up front is about all I have left to work with.”
"I think we're all friends, and our friendships mean things to us. So, I think we should all stick together." Wren said. "So, if you're going to, okay. But if you're not, then I will, is all I'm saying." she clarified. "Up front is all that I think will actually help. So, hopefully you can go with that." she said.
Then she sighed. "...can we finish the statement?" she asked lightly, looking at the page again. She was actively worried about it, and even if Adam didn't think it was important, she very much did. She didn't want to get this wrong.
“I know you would, but I want to. I think we need that.” It would probably be good for Kyle to hear it and it would be better for Adam to tell him as much. “I’m going to try and go with it. And you have permission to shake me if I screw up again. I’m still learning too.” It was a softer admission, but the truth. He was still learning trust, learning about real friendships.
He looked at the piece of paper and let out a sigh before nodding. “Sure. We probably should.”
"Thank you." She said, giving him a light smile. "Then I can get it in to...the police? Whoever, and we can go from there. But it'll be taken down."
“Sounds like a plan,” Adam agreed with a nod and turned towards the page, elbow on the desk as he waited for more questions. He wasn’t entirely sure if it was square like he’d promised he’d make it, but it felt a lot more square. The rest he had a guess they were going to have to figure out as they went.