Patching Up Friends
Characters: Adam and Kyle Setting: Late afternoon, outside the kitchen
Adam felt like shit. His lip was bleeding, his face hurt, his side was agony and he was sure he’d be peppered in bruises for days. His hand hurt too, though thankfully the one punch hadn’t reopened the old wounds, but they looked redder than usual. He’d managed to find some ice, plastic bag of it in a borrowed dish towel against his face as he stumbled out of the kitchen, eyes open for Ryan but mostly locked on getting back to his room.
“What the hell happened to you?” Kyle’s voice sounded out from the doorway to the kitchen where the artist stood, the apple he had been about to bite into frozen halfway to his lips.
Adam jumped hard, almost swinging out with one arm until he spun and spotted Kyle. He let out an actual sigh of relief, relaxing at the sight of his friend and not Ryan. “I got in a fight,” he said, shifting the icepack on his face, exposing the stain of blood down his chin. His lip was already a little swollen and tender to the touch.
“No shit,” Kyle responded, dryly. He stuffed the apple into the pocket of the hoodie he was wearing and walked up to Adam, taking the icepack from him. “Who, where, have you told anyone and come on - let’s get you cleaned up,” he said with a sigh, heading them both towards his room.
It took Adam a moment to process what was going on, how suddenly Kyle was holding the icepack to his face and he was being steered in a different direction than he’d planned. It wasn’t a bad thing, just different. And completely unexpected. “Ryan,” he finally said, sounding as if the word itself tasted bad. “In the cafeteria, with his fist.” The joke wasn’t funny, but it was all he had at the moment. “And no. Since I started it...” It probably wasn’t going to look good to tell. Though Adam hadn’t thought through the part where Ryan could tell and he’d be in trouble for sure.
Kyle stopped just outside his door as Adam said that, looking at him, aghast, though still pressing the icepack to his friend’s face. “What? Why the hell are you picking fights with people, A?” he exclaimed.
Adam didn’t like that look. “I wasn’t...picking a fight. He was being a douche. And he...he still thinks he didn’t do anything wrong! He was sneaking into Becka and Wren’s rooms. And he...he was alone with Becka. When she was drunk. Because of me apparently and he was acting like he was some great guy but...damnit someone raped her Ky. What if it was him!?” Adam’s voice dropped at the last part, keeping it quiet, between them. He hadn’t told anyone yet, it wasn’t his place, but he had to tell Kyle. “I just...He was being a douche and I just...jumped. And lost. Badly.” He lifted his shirt slightly, red welts from the punches Ryan had landed on his torso there. “I keep blaming myself for it happening to her.”
Kyle’s eyes widened at the word ‘rape’ - he had heard things over the journals, but he hadn’t quite put that together. Too lost in his own issues and problems and he suddenly felt like a horrible person and a terrible friend for not realising what had been going on. He fumbled behind him for the handle to his door, before realising it was, of course, locked and had to turn to properly open it. Half kicking the door open, he let them in, then closed it behind them. Still, though, he had no idea what to say.
There was no missing the way all of Kyle changed and once the were inside, Adam was doing the only thing he knew to do. One hand pulled on Kyle’s sweatshirt, trying to get him closer, knowing full well he might not come. Not with how things were between them. “Don’t panic. It’s fine.” And despite all the pain in his body, Adam’s voice was steady.
Kyle went, melting into Adam’s hold for a moment. “It’s not fine - I didn’t know,” he said, burrowing his face into the other man’s neck. He realised he knew when it had happened. With that piece of information, everything else clicked into place. Suddenly he felt so dumb for being so blind as to not see it before. “...She just said she’d had a bad day,” he said, hopelessly.
Despite the topic of conversation, the hurt, the fight, just being this close to Kyle made things infinitely better. It wasn’t perfect, but in it, Adam found his own strength, one arm holding Kyle tight and his other hand finding the back of Kyle’s neck, where his hair ended, keeping him close. “You weren’t supposed to know. I wasn’t either but....” There was another lump to swallow, the words getting jumbled up before he could say them and when he could, because he was pretty sure he was supposed to, they were just a whisper. “I know what it looks like.”
Kyle clutched the other man closer at that. It didn’t matter, right in that moment, about anything else, everything else. The whole situation with Wren, the conversations from earlier that day. It wasn’t that they no longer held any weight at all, but right now, in this moment - nothing mattered. “Did he do it?” he asked, still not raising his head from Adam’s neck.
Adam rested his cheek against Kyle’s head, thumb running over the back of Kyle’s neck gently. It wasn’t a conscious thing, just something he tried for and hoped would be soothing. “I didn’t quite ask. Then he was pummeling me and there wasn’t time to. I have no idea. But they wouldn’t let him stay if he had right? I guess maybe they don’t know, but I’d think...I mean the only person gone after the blackout was...” Adam stopped short because he knew the answer to that and he knew how fast this nice little moment was going to end at mention of a certain someone going missing.
Kyle froze and lifted his head, enough to look at Adam at least. “Lee. The only person who was gone after, was Leandro,” he said. His eyes were damp, the shock of it all, the horror of the situation. “That’s... Jae, one of the people allocated as security - she was asking if anyone knew him. That’s - that’s why, isn’t it? Because they think... He wouldn’t - he adored Becka. He would never, ever have hurt her. Even you must know that!” Which, maybe Adam did, given the conversation they were having right now, but still, Kyle needed that reassurance.
Adam wasn’t sure at all what he knew, but with Kyle’s eyes like that, that tone of voice? He knew that whatever Kyle needed him to believe, that was fine for the moment. “I know, I guess. She talked about it, spending time with him. I don’t think...I don’t think he’d do that to you.” Or Adam hoped not. Then again maybe it was a thing and a power struggle thing like Cal had said. Shaking his head he clamped the thoughts off completely. “That might be why she was asking, but I don’t think that what happened. Obviously, I just got in a fight with another guy because part of me thinks it’s him.” His thumb grazed across Kyle’s jaw, an easy reach from where his hand had been, trying to exude reassurance so Kyle didn’t freak out anymore than he already was.
Kyle pulled back then - both because of the touch and what Adam had said. “You don’t think he’d done that to me?” he questioned, aghast. “Priorities - Adam! I don’t think he’d do it to her! Screw any impact I might have on this situation!” he exclaimed. Hell, Becka had been raped, it was hardly the time to be arguing semantics about fidelity. The artist took a breath and gathered himself. It wasn’t Leandro. It couldn’t have been. And clearly Adam didn’t think so either. “Why do you think it’s Ryan?” he asked, bringing his arms up to hug himself for a moment, and then exhaling deeply and looking around him. His eyes caught the bathroom door and he headed towards it. Water, a cloth - cleaning things. Adam was still hurt, no matter what the cause. He could focus on that.
Adam was inches from swearing out loud and when Kyle turned away he did actually make a face of frustration. So close. And in the end he’d said something that wound up with Kyle yelling at him. “I know he wouldn’t do it to her, I was trying to reassure you,” he said managing to keep the frustration out of his voice. “Because Ryan was in her room. The first night she stayed in mine, he was in there. And he was in Wren’s room. And he scared Wren bad enough that she was more willing to sleep in my room, after I’d yelled at her the first time we met, rather than her own with the door locked. He was in the stocks, for god knows what, for longer than the other chick and he still thinks he’s misunderstood. Frankly he deserves to be hit for being such a smarmy, good looking dick.” At least Adam had managed to get one hit in.
“I don’t need reassurance like that - as long as nobody’s suggesting to Becka that the guy that had probably been her best friend here might have been the guy that raped her.” Oh god, Kyle felt sick. He sank down on the couch, feeling like his legs wouldn’t hold him any longer. Even if he didn’t believe for a second that Leandro would have done anything at all like that, he couldn’t help the sudden flash which crossed his mind. Of the betrayal - if that had been him and Adam. Impossible, unthinkable. Yet he still felt sick at the very thought of that trust and support being ripped away in such a manner. “Does Jae know about Ryan - about what you think?” he asked, forcing that out to hopefully move away from a tableau in his mind he wished he had never touched on.
“I don’t know what anyone’s said to her. She didn’t want to talk to me. Which...makes sense considering.” He watched Kyle drop on the couch and waited a breath before he was moving there with him, sitting closer than usual. “No. I don’t have anything to say really. I can tell her, but it’s just me guessing. She knew he was in the stocks like the rest of us know. And somewhere in hitting me he said something about not touching her so I could be totally wrong.” Or Ryan just didn’t touch her when she was drunk.
“You - you need to talk to her. Or one of them. If you - anything you know. They should know. Even if it’s nothing.” He looked up, looking intently at Adam. “Not everyone just up and confesses you know,” he said - and everyone else in the world probably did know that, but Kyle was different. At least, he was now. He had tried keeping his crimes to himself. That hadn’t worked so well for him. But not everyone thought that way. Hardly anyone did.
Adam nodded, reaching out and squeezing Kyle’s shoulder. “I’ll talk to her. Promise.” He made a face at the comment not sure what Kyle was getting at, but assuming that instead of it being about himself, it was about Adam and his instant confession. “Most people have a choice in the matter.” Kyle knew why Adam hadn’t. Frowning he poked at his swollen lip, wincing at the pain, but touching it again anyway.
Kyle batted Adam’s hand away from his lip gently. “Stop it,” he said, glad to have something else to focus on again. “You’re not helping and you’ll just make things worse. I’ll...” He pushed himself to his feet, determinedly ignoring the screaming thoughts going on in his head as he walked to the bathroom for the supplies he had been intending to get before. Focus. That’s what he needed. Focus.
Adam let Kyle bat his hand away, but when he trailed off mid sentence and and walked away he went back to pushing at it, trying to wipe more of the blood away. “You’ll what?” he called after Kyle.
Kyle paused and leaned against the bathroom door, looking over his shoulder at Adam. “I’ll be right back - and stop. it.” he dictated, giving his friend a glare, before disappearing into the bathroom.
Adam fought a small laugh before pulling his hand away holding it out as a sign of good faith before Kyle left the room. He looked at his hand instead, checking the one he’d punched the mirror with, just to be sure it wasn’t hurt more. Cal had said to be careful and he’d gone and clocked some asshole in the face with the same hand. Not exactly what Cal had suggested.
Kyle gathered what he could. Warm water in a bowl that he had acquired from the kitchen, mostly for his art stuffs (but which was clean nonetheless); cloths; a towel and a small first aid kit that he had put together. Habit of one too many art-related accidents. And they happened to be frequent when you were an artist used to working with metal and welding on a regular basis. He took a moment to look at himself in the mirror, taking a few long breaths and splashing some water over his face. Enough that he didn’t feel in any danger that he would cry anytime soon. It would do.
That done, and supplies gathered, he headed back out to Adam, sitting next to him on the couch, the supplies in between them. “Right, let’s take a look at you - and hopefully the damage this time won’t be bad enough to send you down to Cal again.”
Adam was patient, shaking his head at mention of Cal. “Hand’s fine. I only got one hit in.” He turned back to look at Kyle who seemed surprisingly together and let out a sigh. “I hate when you do that.”
Kyle wetted one of the cloths and started dabbing at the blood on Adam’s face, leaning in to do so. “Hate it when I do what?” he asked, raising an eyebrow, though his eyes remained focused on his work, rather than Adam generally.
“Put back on the perfect Kyle mask,” he said, which was hard to do with Kyle’s hand on his face like that. “It’s like you’re cutting me off from what you’re really feeling or thinking.” And Adam was wondering if it was safe, the way Kyle just glossed it all over and locked it up inside. Seemed like a ticking time bomb.
Kyle laughed, though there was no humour in it. “This is far from perfection, A,” he commented. “I just... Me being a wreck right now would help nobody. It would just be self-indulgent and I won’t do it.”
Adam’s hand caught Kyle’s wrist, pulling his hand away from Adam’s face so that he’d have to look him in the eye. “Would it help you? To actually deal with it and go through the process?”
Kyle pulled his hand back, out of Adam’s grasp. “No,” he said, firmly. “It wouldn’t help me. Not right now. Not until I’ve actually had time to process what it actually is that I’m dealing with.”
Adam sighed and nodded, sinking more into the couch but staying where Kyle could still clean him up. “Okay then. Just don’t feel like you have to pretend to have it together with me. I’d rather you be a wreck than you hiding things from me.”
“Yes, I know, I get it - you’d rather I be some kind of breakable doll,” Kyle half snapped, rinsing out the cloth. “I will deal - in my own time. Please don’t actually try and tell me that you prefer me when I’m entirely losing it. And, if you do - please... Don’t tell me. Because that would be weird. I’m a nightmare when I’m in one of my panics. Even I can see me going crazy. It’s not nice.”
This time Adam did make the frustrated noise, shaking his head and looking away from Kyle. “I don’t want you to be some sort of breakable doll damnit,” he said, running his hand over his head while he thought, giving Kyle more of a show of the back of his head than anything else. There were scars there, from when he’d had his hair yanked out, but mostly the fact that his hair was starting to grow in covered them. “I don’t prefer you then, but I don’t hate you then either.” And if he thought it about it, it was the only chances he had to get close to Kyle, really close.
Kyle sighed and dropped the cloth into the bowl to free his hand. He turned Adam back to face him again. “Both are me,” he said. “I’m not... hiding... anything when I don’t want to deal right then and there. I’m just putting it off. I’ve never been very good at halfway. And sometimes, it’s a really bad time to throw yourself into facing something wholeheartedly.” He paused and thought about that. “Okay, so maybe that is, in fact, hiding. But not the way you mean it. I’m not hiding things from you, pretending to have my shit together for your sake. I’m hiding things from me, because I need to feel like I have my shit together. And I’ll channel those emotions some way later on. When I feel like I can deal.” Usually into his art. That worked a whole lot of the time. And, when it didn’t - it was those times that he then had to go looking for other ways to cope, other methods.
Adam looked slightly smug when Kyle admitted to hiding at least a little, but it was good to hear that it wasn’t hiding it from Adam. Sighing softly he nodded, leaning in the tiniest bit. “Alright. I will buy that you are hiding things from you until you’re ready to deal, but don’t forget you’re not in this alone anymore. I am fully prepared for whatever freak out or ledge you need talked off of.”
“Yeah, yeah - I know. But please don’t try and convince me I have to go out on that damn ledge in the first place, just so you can have somewhere to talk me down from. You know, it’s not meant to work like that,” he admonished, trying not to let the thought he had just had show on his face. The one where he wondered if that was part of it, part of Adam wanting to feel wanted. As he had suggested to Wren earlier on. Nothing all that much to wanting to be there for Kyle specifically, just wanting to be there, to be able to feel like he was doing something.
Adam found a small smile and nodded. “I know it it’s not. And I don’t want you to have to do anything like that. Just if you need to, I’m here. I’m still learning the differences between you avoiding when you shouldn’t be and you avoiding and it being an okay thing that won’t eat at you. And sometimes it’s nice to contribute more than just brute strength.”
“It always starts off as an okay thing that won’t eat at me,” Kyle told him, going back in to finish cleaning up his face.
Adam smiled a little, nodding enough to get the point across, but not disturb Kyle’s handiwork. “Good to know. I’ll try and remember that.” He let Kyle work for a moment, eyes on him the entire time. “You didn’t have to do this you know.” And he wasn’t sure, but it felt like it might fall out of the ‘best friend’ scope. Maybe not, but it just seemed overly sweet. And it had Adam getting his hopes up when he knew better. Kyle wasn’t interested in anything, which meant him no matter how hard he tried to convince himself it could be another way.
"Adam, you're hurt, I was hardly just going to abandon you!" Kyle exclaimed lightly. He twitched a smile. "Anyway, if I left you to it, you'd just bleed over everything, and I just haven't planned for that in the designs," he joked.
“I wouldn’t have considered it abandoning. Just...leaving me to my own devices.” Adam smiled a little more at Kyle’s smile, but didn’t quite get the joke. “What designs?”
"What designs, he asks!" Kyle declared to the room at large. "Anything here," he explained. "You bleed on something and you risk ruining... hmm, something at least. Blood splatter is a very distinctive artistic technique," Kyle explained in such a tone that it wasn't entirely clear whether he was joking people being serious.
Adam made a face and rolled his eyes. “I won’t bleed on your work,” he promised. “Though if you start incorporating blood...Well we might need to talk about that. Unless it’s a vampire thing. I guess I can get my head around that. Better than a serial killer thing.” He opted for joking, because serious was slightly terrifying. In the end though, it was Kyle and he doubted there was something to be anxious about.
Kyle arched a brow. "You can understand me being a vampire more easily than a serial killer?" he asked. "Even though one of those is an entirely fictional being."
"Are you sure they are fictional?" he asked. "Because that's a lot of movies and books and legend for nothing." Adam smirked a little and shook his head. "And you really don't seem like a serial killer. I can see you being into the undead thing over psychotically killing people."
“Aside from the fact that by most accounts, vampires also psychotically kill people. With the whole ‘I vant to drink your blood’ thing,” Kyle pointed out, doing a purposefully terrible campy Dracula impression. “And I am a vegetarian. So, as it happens I’m neither undead, nor into psychotically killing people. In fact, I’m not really ‘into’ killing people at all,” he added.
"This is going to sound insane but I think I read a book as a kid about a vampire bunny," Adam said with a grin. "He sucked vegetables dry." And the idea of Kyle with his bad vampire voice being a vampire bunny was too damn amusing not to laugh at. "Not really into killing people either," he agreed. "But I do like a good burger."
“You don’t sound insane - hasn’t everyone read the one about the vampire bunny?” Kyle asked, grinning at the remembrance of the childhood story. “Though feel free not to share about your love of burgers. Life choice is life choice - I just prefer not to go into the details.”
"I honestly think there was a point where I was the only one doing homework." Despite his lack of ambition post-graduation, and how he'd slacked off the last few months, Adam had done decent in school. "Alright, no talking about my meat eating, T-Rex ways and you're more than likely not a vampire bunny." The smile on Adam's face was relaxed, slightly in awe of how easy it was with Kyle. And he wanted to move in closer, get more out of the moment, Kyle's smile. There was that sense that there could be more, even if it was just on his end and suddenly he understood what Wren had meant about something missing. "Oh." He'd thought the noise was just in his head, but it slipped out unknowingly.
“Oh?” Kyle questioned, giving Adam a puzzled look.
For a moment Adam couldn't figure out what Kyle was asking, not realizing he'd been thinking out loud. When it dawned on him though his cheeks heated up and he shook his head. "Just...figured out something Wren said. What she meant I guess."'
Kyle didn’t know exactly what Adam was talking about, but the mention of Wren had him packing up the supplies he’d gotten out - Adam’s injuries were mostly cleaned up by now anyway, and he was no longer actively bleeding. He stood and took everything back into the bathroom, tipping the now-pink water down the sink. He just needed a moment or two. A moment or two to decide what he was going to do, what he was going to say. Whether he was going to actually say anything at all about Wren, about the fact that yes, Adam had something to apologise for. About the fact that Wren had let him actually read their PMs. About what Kyle had seen there. About any of it. Or whether he was just going to do what he normally did with Adam and a difficult conversation. Change the subject and move on as though it never existed.
Adam watched Kyle walk away, frowning as he did so. That wasn't the right reaction was it? He gave it a breath before grabbing the abandoned icepack again and following him. He didn't push his way into the bathroom, but lingered outside the door. "Ky?"
The artist hesitated for a moment, then opened the door, leaning against the doorway. “You were right - you have something to apologise for,” he told the other man, but said nothing else, waiting expectantly to see how Adam would react to that.
Adam blinked for a moment, but then wound up sighing and running his hand over his hair again. "Told you," he said. He had screwed up and he felt awful about it. The awful feeling showed in his eyes and the way his shoulders sank. "It's not..completely ruined is it?"
“No, but - what were you even thinking, A?” Kyle asked, trying not to sound as exasperated as he felt. For now, he was ignoring his own issues in this whole thing and just focusing on what happened with Wren. He may not even touch on the ‘him’ side of things anyway. After all, he had decided that it didn’t really matter, not really, it would just bring up issues that wouldn’t be helpful to anyone and that he didn’t want to air.
Adam actually winced at Kyle's tone, taking a step back and putting space between them. For a moment he thought about it and finally shrugged. "I was thinking that telling me that I missed something important in how she felt about me right after she hooked up with Charlie was kind of hard to hear. That the way I was looking at everything was wrong." The words worked better this time, which he also hated because it meant he'd said them even worse to Wren.
“So you made her start thinking that the only reason that you were friends with her in the first place was to get into her pants?” Kyle questioned, though his tone wasn’t as biting as it could have been. “Yeah, her timing, what she said - it was shitty. But this is Wren we’re talking about. Wren who grew up in a cult, being some kind of prophet and never leading a normal life. Wren who thought it was fine to seriously ask three guys she had never met whether they were all involved together, Wren. She doesn’t get it, and sometimes you’ve just gotta suck it up and deal with that somewhere that is else. Not blindside her with feelings that she didn’t even know you had.”
"She doesn't actually think I'm like that does she?" Adam asked, sounding appalled. "I'm not like that. I'm not even...I couldn't even start to think like that." And hearing that Wren thought he might made him a little sick to his stomach. Shaking his head again he sighed. "I know it's Wren, I get that and I know she doesn't always get it but damnit, what am I supposed to think here? 'Cause it sounds an awful lot like she's liked me for a while, finally figured it out and here was Charlie to sweep in and make his move." It didn't matter if Wren ended up with Adam, even if he hated her with Charlie, it mattered that she got a choice. "And I have no idea what anything that went on between us, what it really meant. Where the lines were blurred because she doesn't always tell me." Adam took a deep breath to calm down which just made his punched ribs hurt more and left him wincing, wrapping his arm around his middle again.
“Right now, I don’t think she knows what she thinks. You know - she told me she hasn’t really had friends before,” Kyle told the other man. “She doesn’t know how it’s meant to go. She asked me if having friends was always this hard. As for what she felt... She’s never even had a crush on anyone. It’s like, her upbringing just took that all out of her or... Something. I don’t know. But she somehow managed to get through the whole puberty without even crushing on someone. It’s not like she was sitting there going ‘hey, I really like that Adam guy and I’m just not going to tell him’ or anything.”
Adam focused on his breathing for a moment the shook his head. "I don't know any better, but I'm not surprised being friends with me is hard." He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking. "She's not had a chance to think about Wren at all. Ever. She's never really listened to music. I know all that," he said finally looking back at Kyle. "I'm just confused how Charlie got there, to making that a rule. And I kind of hate that we didn't get to talk about it before she got a boyfriend." Maybe he'd feel more comfortable with things. He'd still hate Charlie, but at least he'd know how Wren felt. Or might feel since Wren wasn't sure.
Kyle fixed Adam a Look. “Are you seriously telling me that if you got involved with someone that you wouldn’t set ‘you’re not allowed to make out with anyone else’ as a rule?” he asked, for the second time that day. “Especially bearing in mind that Wren was brought up in an environment where polygamy was perfectly acceptable, from what I can tell. So yeah - she might actually need to know that you feel that way? And... If Charlie asked her out, or whatever happened there. And if she likes him. Which she seems to do. Was she really meant to tell the guy ‘sorry, I need to talk this through with Adam first’? You know things don’t reasonably work that way... Right?” Kyle checked, trying to phrase that gently and looking intently at his friend.
Adam winced and looked at the floor. "Of course I would. Along with a no sharing the same bed one." Which he hated slightly. That had been a nice moment. Shaking his head, Adam took another step back. "No. She wasn't. But if I found out you liked me and someone else I'd probably tell you to take some time and figure out what you wanted. Let you really decide first." Adam sighed and shook his head. "I know she likes him. I think she always has. She got over the part where most of what she knew about his life was a blatant lie pretty easily. You don't do that for just anyone. He was her one friend. Then I was the other. It makes sense." Adam went to sit on the bed, resting his elbows on his knees and looking at the floor. He was fidgeting again, hands in his hair, the bracelet Kyle gave him, then his hair again.
Kyle bit his lip, then went to sit down beside him. “...Maybe he did tell her that. Maybe she just didn’t need the time,” he suggested, softly. He knew it would be a hard thing for Adam to hear. “Or - maybe she thought you liked someone else and she wouldn’t stand a chance with you anyway.”
The first part made Adam's inside sink. That felt right. That she wanted Charlie despite the crush on Adam. The second part had him turning to look at Kyle. "I do like someone else," he said softly. Someone who doesn't like me back.
Kyle made himself maintain eye contact. “But you liked her too, just as much, which she didn’t know,” he said, his tone unreadable.
This was the part of the conversation Adam didn't want to have. Shaking his head slightly he chewed on his lower lip. "It's not like that," he said, really wishing Kyle was more readable in that moment. The lack of emotion, lack of obvious direction was unsettling.
"You don't need to explain, Adam," Kyle said, with the same lack of any real tone.
"Pretty sure I do with you saying it like that. Like you're trying hard not to throw up or sound jealous or hurt," Adam countered. "Do you not believe me?"
"I don't need to believe anything, Adam. Wren showed me the messages. I saw what you wrote," Kyle said, after a moment or two.
That was it then. "Which has you doubting how I feel about you," Adam said, pulling at Kyle's shirt. "Which isn't fair when you and I don't even talk about it. When I'm trying get over it for your sake."
“Don’t put words into my mouth, Adam,” Kyle told him. “I don’t want to make this about you and me. If you want to talk about it - then we can talk. I’m just not sure what you want me to say. And with what you told Wren, then it is what it is. You just... You know, if I had been looking to start something with you, what you wrote would have been really hurtful,” he blurted out, suddenly.
Adam looked sick for a moment. “Lucky for me you don’t want anything with me.” He rubbed at his bruised cheek, which hurt like hell, but it was grounding. “Then I couldn’t screw it up before I even had a chance.” He was quiet for a moment before shaking his head and getting up. “This was what you wanted right?” he asked, feeling miserable. “You’ve known for a while about how I felt and yet you kept bringing her up, putting that idea there. I don’t...I don’t even know what I’m feeling about her. I feel something I guess. I can guess when those moments happened where something was missing. It was nice waking up holding her.” The next part was hard to say because they didn’t talk about things like that, but he wanted to say it. “But I think the same things would be great with you too.”
Guilt flashed across Kyle’s face. “I - I thought you were straight,” he confessed. “I thought you were straight, and confused, and that I was just... I don’t know. Something that you really didn’t need to have to deal with. I thought it would just be easier if there was some girl. You could be happy and you’d never have to deal with... this. And I didn’t know she liked someone else either. You seemed to like her. It seemed, well, easier. I’m sorry - I didn’t mean to screw things up.” He didn’t mention what he had told Wren earlier. That he thought Adam would pretty much like anyone who was kind to him. That the bar of obtaining the man’s attention wasn’t set very high at all.
“Well I guess I’m not,” Adam said, throwing his arms up in the air. “Which is kind of obvious. Fuck, I don’t know what I am.” He shook his head and rubbed at it. He was going to rub it off if he wasn’t careful, but he was pretty sure he’d wandered into upset and that was how he deal with upset, fidgeting until he couldn’t function or distracted himself. “I didn’t think of her like that. She thought that part of her was broken. The last thing she needed was one of her best friends trying for more. We both know how well that works out,” he said, the hurt slipping into his tone. “You didn’t screw anything up Kyle. That was all me.”
"Stop blaming yourself for everything!" Kyle exclaimed. "You didn't come on to her. You did exactly what was needed you until the point where it all kinda fell apart. But you can't just stand there and tell me that if it hadn't been for me putting ideas into your head in the first place that you would never have even looked at her that way and then tell me that this wasn't my fault!"
Adam was distantly aware of the fact that parts of this conversation reminded him of the same one with Wren. Where she’d told him Kyle wasn’t interested, and now it was just flipped the other way. Wren wasn’t interested in Adam either. And Kyle was taking the blame for it. Adam was fairly certain it wasn’t Kyle’s fault. Sure, Kyle snuck the idea in there, but that was it. “Stop that,” he said, voice stern, and while the pain wasn’t gone, it wasn’t as obvious over everything. Adam got his hand around Kyle’s wrist, pulling him closer and up onto his feet. Adam was definitely stronger and while he didn’t usually make a show of it, here he took advantage. “Stop. On the list of ideas in my head that you’ve put there, thinking of Wren as a girl is pretty far down on the list of those that keep me up at night.” Which was very true. The dragging Kyle in closer was actually one of those thoughts.
Kyle stood of his own accord, because he didn't like being pulled around. "And I can guess what's on the rest of that list," Kyle retorted. He held Adam's gaze as he purposefully twisted his wrist out of the other man's hold. "But given you have real sleeping problems, that you really need to deal with, I hope that neither me nor Wren are actually adding all that much to keeping you up at night. Because, we're your friends - we're meant to be making things better, not worse," the artist pointed out.
Adam only gave the barest of resistance against Kyle pulling his hand away, and only because he didn't want to let go. Something was wrong, really wrong, and he was left frowning, trying to figure out what it was. "Which part of what I said to her hurt you?" He settled on, ignoring what Kyle had commented on for the moment and focusing on something else instead. Of course Kyle had said, would or could or something not admitting to being hurt but Adam was ignoring that too.
Kyle looked thrown - he thought that he'd successfully navigated the subject and they're moved on. He realised that he should know better by now. Adam didn't let things go when they had a reason to catch his attention. "What?" he asked, as though he didn't understand what Adam was talking about.
It was Adam's turn to give Kyle a look. Kyle knew what he was talking about. He opted to be patient beyond the look though. "You said I hurt you. What did I say that hurt you?"
"No - I said that if I had been looking to start something with you, I could have been hurt," Kyle responded, hiding behind the difference there.
Adam didn't look convinced. "Except when you said it you sounded hurt. And...well I'm not ruling out the possibility completely." He couldn't. Not when he was hearing that Kyle had been hung up on the straight guy thing. As for what Adam was, he wasn't sure, but he knew how he felt about Kyle and that was what mattered right? It mattered enough for now at least. So there was still an inkling of hope left.
Kyle sighed. "Adam - don't do this to yourself," he said. "If you're doing what you think you're doing. If you're trying to find a way that would lead to this idea that I'm suddenly going to change my mind. I'm not. I meant what I said this morning. I'm sorry."
For an instant Adam looked hurt but he swallowed it back and shook his head. "And you're avoiding telling me the truth," he countered, patient look on his features. "I know you aren't. I do. I wish you'd consider it, but I get it and it's fine. I'll be fine. But I need to know how I hurt you. Maybe I can explain it better or not do it again or any of that."
Kyle exhaled deeply and turned, walking away over the other side of his room. He stood with his back to Adam, seemingly looking at the now completed and still drying picture of the Manhattan skyline. "You wrote that to her before we talked," he said, after a moment or two. "You wrote that, and then you came to me and one of the things you said was that you wished you could get me to consider it. And, if I had? If I'd actually decided that maybe we could go there? What would that have actually meant I was to you? Convenient? Good enough under the circumstances?" He shrugged, still not looking round. "And I know that's not how it went. And I know I have absolutely no business being at all hurt about that. So, consider me not hurt. Just... saying. How I thought you felt about me, and how you seem to actually are two different things. Which, under the circumstances, is a good thing," he said, trying to sound like he was being positive.
Adam's shoulders sank at what Kyle said. He had hurt his friend, who was definitely not considering it, but he was hurting. Taking his own deep breath, he closed the space between them so he was right behind him. "Nothing about you is convenient or good under the circumstances. Nothing. It's one of the hardest things I've faced because I know full well one wrong move means that I not only lose a chance of being with you, I lose my best friend too. But if you had wanted it? I'd be beyond lucky." His voice was low, honest, because at this point lying or fudging the truth wasn't getting him anywhere. It was the same motivation that had him reaching out and touching Kyle's shoulder, giving him a gentle nudge back, closer to Adam. "How did you want me to feel?" Different words than Kyle has used, but Adam was thinking it might be more accurate.
Kyle didn't move back into Adam's touch, but he didn't move away either. Instead he stayed where he was, eyes roaming the painting. "So why did you say what you said to Wren then?" he asked, his voice blank as he entirely ignored Adam's question.
Adam had an answer, one he almost launched into. About how it wasn't fair that Kyle was so frustrating. How Kyle didn't want him. How all of it was forgotten when Kyle fell into their hugs, needing the contact. Adam checked the explanation though, wanting to be sure he had it right. "Which part?"
"The part about me just being fresher in your mind," Kyle said, though the urge had been there to just tell Adam to forget it.
That part. Adam sighed and really wished Wren hadn't shown Kyle what he said. "Because I have a hard time ranking the two of you. One of you isn't more important. And when she told me how she felt I saw it, how it could play out like that. And I missed it being upset over you. I don't know Ky." The words weren't coming out right. He stopped, made himself think before continuing. "You were fresher in my mind but you're always fresher. You're almost always the one I'm thinking of."
Kyle realised that hearing the explanation didn't make him feel any better. And that, really, he was being incredibly unfair right now. He knew that. "You don't have to justify yourself to me, A," he said, quietly, half looking back over his shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"Ky, if I hurt you in any way, I'm going to try and make it better. No matter the situation." Adam found a smile, even if it was slightly sad. "What are you apologizing for?"
Kyle turned round to face Adam then. It was only right to do so. "I'm apologising because I'm not being fair to you right now," he said, keeping his voice even. "And it shouldn't be up to you to make me feel better. I'd be a shitty friend if I actually expected that of you. And I don't." He paused for a beat. "You should put an icepack back on that," he advised. It was an old technique of his. If something was uncomfortable to talk about - change the subject. Despite what he had told Adam, avoidance was a preferred tactic of his.
"Expecting me to make you feel better isn't a bad thing. I can do that. The not fair part is..." Adam trailed off, letting the thought drop. They didn't need to go into what wasn't fair. Maybe it was fair, and Adam just wasn't sure. What did he know anyway?
Kyle rolled his eyes as headed across the room. Picking up the icepack, he walked back towards Adam and offered it out to him. “Icepack. Face,” he instructed, first and foremost.
It was half melted at this point but Adam took the ice pack and pressed it to his swollen eye, half hiding behind it. "It's on my face. Happy?"
“Thank you,” Kyle said, giving him a small smile.
Adam waited a breath, watching Kyle's smile, liking it and knowing it wouldn't last long. "You're avoiding." It wasn't an accusation, just an observation.
Yes, he was, in fact, avoiding. “You were the one who trailed off,” Kyle pointed out, not unkindly.
Kyle had a point there. Adam thought about it, biting at his lip. "You're hurt that I might not like you the way you thought but...you don't feel the same way." It was the most diplomatic way he could phrase if and once he was done he glanced up at Kyle, curious if it was right.
“We weren’t talking about hurt, we were talking about unfair,” Kyle said, sidestepping from answering. “And what you weren’t saying was that I had no right to express to you any suggestion that I may or may not have been hurt, when I’ve told you quite clearly that a relationship between you and I isn’t going to happen. That’s what wasn’t being said. That I was being unfair to you.”
Wow that hurt. That hurt worse to hear than the punch to the face Adam had taken earlier. "I guess that's it. I think you have a right to tell me if you're hurt but the context..." Adam stopped then after a moment started again. "It suggests you are more interested than you say. How I think you feel about me and how you seem aren't the same." He was using Kyle's own words on purpose. "Which is fine, I just need to get used to it and stop reading into it."
Kyle’s carefully constructed mask fell for a moment, his face crumpling. “Adam - I can’t do this,” he said, clearly trying hard to school himself back into poise once again. “Friendship - it’s all I have to offer right now. I just - I can’t.” He didn’t try and explain himself. He couldn’t try and explain himself. It would just make everything worse.
The icepack feel from Adam's face because it was too hard to look around and he really needed to look at Kyle right now. "Can't do what? I know the friends thing but what are you not saying?" Because that seemed a shit ton more important than anything else right now.
Kyle turned back to the painting again. “I can’t get involved with you. But, I don’t want to lose you as a friend either,” he said, again sidestepping, but making it sound like he wasn’t. At least, it sounded that way to his ears.
Adam sighed and stared at Kyle's back. "You're answering my question with the part I told you I knew. I know you can't. I know you don't want to. You aren't going to lose me as a friend but I really feel like we are avoiding something and I'm starting to worry it's a big something."
“It’s not a big something,” Kyle told him, bringing his arms up to hug himself loosely. It wasn’t a big something - not in the scheme of things that would make any difference. It was just what it was. And he had been doing okay so far going nowhere near it. He wasn’t about to start now. He took a breath and turned round to face Adam again, dropping his arms and rolling his shoulders back, the mask building back into place. “This isn’t doing either of us any good, you know,” he pointed out. “We should just, concentrate on what we have. And you need to keep that on your face,” he admonished, grabbing the lowered pack from Adam’s hand and pressing it against his cheek. “Or come morning you’re not going to be able to see out of that eye!”
Wincing at the cold of the pack, Adam stared at his friend, obviously frustrated. “I hate when you do that,” he said about the mask, the avoiding, all of it. “And I know we should, but...I feel like you’re not talking to me.”
“I know you hate it when I’m like this,” Kyle told him. Adam had made that eminently clear, after all. “Trust me that it’s better this way?” he suggested. Sometimes absolute honesty was definitely not the best policy.
“Don’t word it like that,” Adam said shaking his head. “Makes it sound like it’s you that I don’t like and I’m not about to let you start thinking that.” He stared at Kyle with his good eye for a long moment then wound up shrugging, half defeated. “I have to. I just...No. I trust you.” Was there a point in repeating again and again that he was there if Kyle wanted to talk to him? Probably not.
“Thank you,” Kyle said, giving him a small smile. “You’re so important to me, Adam. I couldn’t imagine this place without you. What I’d do. You’re the one person I couldn’t lose.”
Oh. Adam was left staring at Kyle for a long moment, not sure what to do with that. It was how he felt, sure, but Adam couldn’t figure out what he’d done to yield that out of Kyle. With his free hand he reached out to hug Kyle, fingers gripping the other man’s shirt at his shoulder. “Me too. Can’t lose you either.” It was a quiet statement, close to Kyle’s ear because of the hug.
Kyle hugged Adam back. Not tightly, aware of not giving too much, but enough. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. “They’d have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming.”
Adam managed half of a laugh, lingering in the hug for a moment more before pulling back and giving Kyle his space. “Same here. Though it might very well wind up like this did,” he said gesturing towards his face. He looked past Kyle, eyes finally settling on the painting and not the man standing in front of it. “You finish it yet?” he asked, thinking it looked a lot more done than it had before, but he’d already been wrong once. And he was probably also taking a page out of Kyle’s book, redirecting the conversation to get his own head in the game and stop his mind from repeating what Kyle had said in his head over and over again.
Kyle smiled widely then; stepping sideways to stand next to Adam. “Yeah, she’s done. Just waiting for her to dry and I can hang her,” he said, with obvious pride and satisfaction. It wasn’t clear whether he was aware of the redirection - and if he was, he seemed more than happy to go with it.
“It’s a her now?” Adam asked, looking over at Kyle, not able to help the smile that creeped into his features at the sight of Kyle’s smile. Maybe it was that simple. That sensation that it was enough to see Kyle smile and be happy. That was enough to live on right? What more did Adam need? Focus on what they had and not what Kyle couldn’t give. Mentally Adam willed himself to make it enough.
“It’s always been a her, really,” Kyle confessed. “Art - the only woman in my life,” he joked, looking across at Adam.
Adam made a point of rolling his eyes and giving Kyle a playful shove. “You’re so weird,” he said, but laughed with it. “Alright, only woman. Where’s it going?”
“There,” Kyle nodded to the space across from his bed. He had left that wall entirely blank on purpose. “That way I can see it from wherever.”
Shifting his placement in the room, Adam nodded. Kyle was right, it would always be visible. “I like it. Good plan. Let me know if you need help with hanging it.”
“Oh, I’ll definitely need help hanging her,” Kyle told him. “Hell, I think I’m gonna need help lifting her,” he added with a small laugh. “That canvas is gonna be heavy.”
Adam nodded, looking smug for a moment. “See? I knew you befriended me for the brute strength,” he said flexing an arm, which really didn’t look all that bad, but he was definitely lean muscle at best.
Kyle rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes - you’re a veritable Hercules,” he deadpanned. “Though, I’ve seen proper muscle men and you’ve got something about you - but not... that,” he added, still deadpan.
Adam made a face at Kyle, half sticking his tongue out at him. “So you’re funny now? That’s what this is?”
“You’d prefer it if I stayed morose, depressing and weird?” Kyle asked him. “I’m making an effort here - give me some credit.” And he was, he really was. He was putting all the weird, conflicting shit to one side and he was concentrating on trying to get back to that core friendship.
What was it about Kyle that had Adam in a constant state of just wanting to hold on to him? It was probably the crush or whatever he was supposed to call it, but that was what he wanted to do, just hug him and promise he was doing an okay job. This time though, Adam refrained. “I am giving you all the credit in the world. Promise. I can tell you’re trying. I’m just teasing.”
Kyle rolled his eyes. “Yes, Adam - I know you’re just teasing,” he said, making that clear in his expression.
“Fine then, stop acting like me and seeming like you’re taking everything so seriously.” Adam laughed and shook his head again, pulling the ice pack away to get a better look at Kyle. “We okay?”
“We’re okay,” Kyle confirmed. “We’re both fuck ups, but we’re okay,” he added with a grin. “Just - promise me that you’ll square things with Wren. If you want to bitch about Charlie, my door’s always open, okay - just... Give her some space there. If the guy turns out to be a douche, then we’ll deal with that together, but let’s give him enough rope to hang himself, whatever, right?”
Adam nodded. “I’ll get it square with Wren. Promise. I need to. She’s like the other person I really don’t want to be without.” Though looking at Kyle, he was pretty sure he’d feel that gaping hole more. “And I know. I know he will he’s just got her so blinded. Or she’s so damn forgiving I don’t know. It bugs me that he lied to her for all those years, even though he had a purpose or a reason and she’s not..freaked out by it.” He let out a breath, not really needing to go into a Charlie rant right now. “I want her to be happy. And if he does that, so be it.”
“And that’s the mindset you need to hold onto,” Kyle advised. “You okay?” he checked, feeling the need to ask that again, under the circumstances.
“I’m trying. I’m not going to be perfect at it, but I will keep trying,” Adam said before tilting his head as he considered the question. “Face hurts. Ribs hurt. Pretty sure I’m going to be covered in bruises and...” And he was a little bit heartbroken. It wasn’t said, but it showed for a moment before Adam shrugged. “I’ll survive.”
“You just make sure you do,” Kyle told him. What else could he say? He didn’t miss the unsaid. He knew exactly what was meant. He just wasn’t in a position to make that go away.
“I got this far didn’t I?” Adam said, finding a smile despite the pain, but it was only there for a moment before he put the ice pack back to his face. It wasn’t better, but it was out there, and maybe Adam had cleared up some of the concerns Kyle had about Wren. There were still questions, but Kyle was right, concentrate on what they had. The rest would fall away.