Missing Things
Characters: Wren and Charlie Setting: his room
Wren was running. She didn't know where, she didn't even truly know why. Maybe it was that feeling like the world was falling in around her, and if she could just find the right place to be, she'd be safe. The commune had been safe. The sky never fell there. Or, it hadn't up until Brian had killed everyone.
Her chest was tight, feeling pained like she couldn't breathe, she felt flushed and chilled at the same time, and she was feeling crushed by a sense of impending doom. Crashing in on all sides were emotions she had no way of dealing with or identifying. So she was running. The elevator took too long, and by the time it opened up in the tunnel, she was feeling like she was crawling out of her skin. So she ran then, too. Blindly, through the tunnel, and she narrowly avoided a figure heading in the direction of Block B.
That figure happened to be Charlie, carrying a box containing all his worldly belongings (within the facility anyhow) from his room in Block A to his newly assigned room in Block B. “Hey!” he called, then realised that the person who had narrowly missed him was Wren. “Wait - Little Bird!” he called after her. He’d seen her run before, for a variety of reasons. This didn’t look like her ‘I’m running because I’m so happy I have to!’ run, or her ‘I’m late for something’ run. He might just have paid attention a little too much in the past.
Hearing the nickname, his voice had her stumbling to a stop. That stumble had her pitching forward, and she barely caught herself on the wall. She ended up coughing, and looking back, thinking of all the places to stop, the tunnel wasn't a good place for it. "I--" she started, drawing in another ragged breath before she could continue. "I don't--"
I don't like it here! I hate this place! Take me home! screamed through the back of her mind, even if it didn't even almost make it to articulation. She realized she'd gotten a stitch in her side, and held it, squeezing at the pain there. “I dislike the tunnel.” she said in another exhale.
Charlie had set the box down and had already been halfway to her when she told him what was wrong. As it was, he didn’t go back for the box, instead moving to put an arm round her, resting his hand in the small of her back - a move that was meant to be comforting, rather than an invasion of her personal space. “Then let’s get you out of the tunnel,” he said, encouraging her to walk towards the end, and the elevator which was there. His box could sit outside the new store until he came and got it, for all he cared. And if someone stole it? Well, the only thing that he would truly actively miss would be his guitar, and it wasn’t like he would have all that much time for playing it now that the farm was his responsibility.
She took a few steps, going where he guided her, though she realized he was missing something. "Your things..." she said, looking back behind them at the box sitting there. She didn't want to go back for it herself, but she wanted him to get it. "Don't leave them behind." It was a nice moment where all of her thought screeched to a halt, as her concern for his possessions took precedence.
“I’ll come back for them later,” Charlie assured her, smoothly, still walking them along. Normally, sure, he would go back for them. Normally, he wouldn’t have left them in the first place, but she was his priority right now.
"I don't want anyone to take anything." she said, slipping away from him to start going back for the box herself. She hated the tunnel, and could practically feel it closing in on her, but she was sidetracked now, focusing on something else. Anything else. So, Chester's things was abruptly taking a front seat for her.
Of course she would. “Wren - there’s nothing in there that’s important,” he protested, lightly - but she was already going back, so he followed, walking faster to overtake her. He picked up the box, hefted his guitar onto his shoulder and started back. “Better?” he asked her, cocking an eyebrow as he headed back towards the Block B elevator once again.
She nodded, the motion jerky as she started toward the elevator again, pace quick. She could feel better that he wasn't going to lose anything over her being ridiculous. At least she felt ridiculous. Or insane. Broken, again. Without realizing it, she kept moving faster until she was running toward the elevator again, slapping the call button as she practically crashed into the wall.
Charlie kept pace with her as best he could - though that was more difficult with the amount of stuff he was carrying. As such, she reached the elevator before he did. It arrived as he did and he stepped inside. “Come on - let’s get back up to the surface.”
Wren nearly dove into the elevator, and she leaned against one back corner, and shut her eyes, drawing in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. When the elevator got back up to block B, she dashed out of it, out into the open day where she stood there and sucked in deep breaths for a few long moments. Her heart was feeling like it was going to give out, even if she knew that was unlikely.
“Better?” Charlie asked, honestly wanting to know, as he walked more slowly up behind her, giving her a little space to deal with that. She seemed to him to need it.
Nodding, Wren slowly calmed down, though the sort of panicky reaction she was having was only giving way to the underlying upset that had been present before then. "Yes." she answered, either way. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." she made a vague gesture, unsure what word would properly apply.
“Don’t apologise,” he told her, not cutting across her, but being very definite about there being no apology needed. “If you want to talk about it though, I’m all yours,” he offered, giving her a crooked smile.
She looked at him, and just didn't know. She didn't want to drag him into the utter mess that was her head right then, but at the same time, she wasn't sure what to do without some form of council. In the end, she stood there helplessly, saying nothing to the offer. She was that lost right then, unable to even come up with a simple answer.
He held her gaze until he realised that she wasn’t going to be answering him. “I have a new room,” he told her. “That’s what this is all about,” he added, hefting the box. “I figured if I was going to be working on the farm, it would make more sense if I was over this side. Wanna come and help me move in?” he asked. He wasn’t actually letting her get away with not talking, but just giving her space, and hoping that she would feel more comfortable once they were in private.
Nodding, she still didn't answer immediately, but she decided that she could do that. She thought that this took care of the thing she and Adam had been discussing--that she was too far away from anyone who she felt safe with. With Charlie moving over here, then at least there was that, and Adam wouldn't have to move. "Where is your room?"
“Number 34?” Charlie said, certain of the number, but not exactly where that was located. He was hoping it would be near her, though he wasn’t going to blatantly come out and say as much.
Wren glanced around, then pointed. "It's right here." she said, since it was right behind them. His door wasn't directly next to the room with the elevator, but next to that one. She was a pinch disappointed that he wasn't closer to her room...in fact he was clear across the way. But she didn't say that. It was probably overly needy, and nothing would change it.
“Oh - oh, right.” Nowhere near her room then. That figured. “They said that the door would be open...” he said, pushing down the feeling of disappointment in favour of stepping over and trying the door. Which was, in fact, open. He pushed the door open full to reveal a room that was pretty much identical to the one he had left behind. “Well, at least I don’t need to put any thought into where I’m gonna put stuff,” he muttered.
She glanced in there, and it was the same as when she'd moved. Everything was the same. All the rooms were. "And you won't wonder where anything is." she suggested lightly, even if she knew his statement didn't actually need a response.
Charlie glanced over at her and rolled his eyes. “And yet I’ll still manage to lose pretty much everything within the first couple of days - you know how I get,” he joked. “Anyway, come on in. You can watch me unpack. I’ll need someone to tell me where I left stuff.” He was still not actively asking her what was wrong, though the fact that something was hadn’t left his mind for a moment.
She gave the ghost of a smile. Going inside, she shut the door behind them, looking around the empty room. Eventually, she went to sit on the couch, trying to settle into a blank spot in her own mind. Somewhere where she could just...not think. Not try to work out all these stupid emotions and what they meant, when she didn't even know where to start. "I suppose I can tell Adam he really doesn't have to move, now." she said distantly.
Charlie made sure that the door was shut, and then he set the box on the table and propped his guitar up against the desk. “Adam was going to move?” he asked, lightly, trying not to betray that that bothered him.
Wren noticed he checked the door after she'd shut it, and didn't know why but it made her feel like a child. Like she needed her work checked. But she said nothing. "We talked about it. I mentioned that someone threw tomatoes at my door, when the blackout happened. And I keep getting those messages from 'anonymous'. I realized the other day that I was on a different block than anyone I would feel safe with. He offered to move, though I didn't want him to pick up and come over here just because I was feeling strange. I don't even know if I'm afraid."
Charlie tried not to feel hurt that she hadn’t had that conversation with him. He busied himself with emptying the box, putting things away in their new-old places in this different room that was exactly the same. “And now you don’t need him to move because there’s someone else around?” he asked, making himself keep his tone light.
"I didn't actually ask him to move. I didn't want him doing so just for me being silly. Like I said, I don't even know if I'm actually afraid. He just offered. He isn't moving here. But he'd probably feel a little better knowing that you're here." she offered. "Or at least for me, I'll feel...less..." she trailed off, failing with articulating how she felt again.
Charlie doubted very much that Adam would feel any kind of better knowing Charlie was over here. In fact, the guy would probably come to the conclusion that Charlie had done this on purpose, just to spite him. “Less...?” he pressed, keeping his opinions about Adam to himself.
Wren shrugged. She didn't know that she had a word, and it was feeling less and less important. She wanted to fall silent, wanted to just stop talking. She would consider just going to sleep, if she thought for a moment she'd be able to. She also likely still had to go check out the offices for the governor. She had things she needed to do, duties she needed to perform.
It wasn’t until she didn’t answer him that Charlie actually stopped what he was doing - what he had been doing to avoid coming across all wrong to her - and sat down on the couch next to her. “Hey,” he said, giving her his undivided attention. “Talk to me,” he prompted, his voice soft, and gentle.
She looked over at him, something she hadn't been doing before. With the actual light request to talk to him, she found she didn't want to disappoint him and not. "I don't know what's happening with me." she told him, which was the root of the issue. Funny, how saying it out loud like that was both all the more terrifying and seemingly insignificant.
“Okay - you need a sounding board for that?” Charlie offered.
"I don't know." Wren told him, looking down at her hands. She started worrying at them, picking at her nails, playing with the bracelet around her wrist, the thread she'd used to make it coming apart. "I don't even know what I would say. I don't know where I would start." she admitted. "I don't know what's wrong with me." she said, voice nearly hitting inaudible at the end.
“You think there’s something wrong with you?” Charlie prompted. He was aware that, this being Wren, it was entirely possible that there was nothing wrong with her at all, just that she had a different viewpoint to most other people.
"Yes, I just said I don't know what's wrong with me." So it was clear she did think that. She reached up to run her fingers through her hair. "I just...don't know what it is. I don't know what's happening. I just felt sick about things, and I...don't know. I don't know." she stressed. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I...should just go to my room, and...calm down."
Charlie placed a hand on each of her shoulders, turning so he was facing her. “Shh,” he said, soothingly. “Don’t be sorry. And it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. What happened to start all this off?” he asked her, gently.
Wren wasn't even sure what to say. "I don't know. I was with Adam, I slept there. And he was screaming, and having this terrible nightmare, and then we were talking, and I just...I had to do this thing, for Kyle, and I understand it, but it doesn't mean I'm okay with any of it, and..." she knew she was rambling. Drawing in a deep breath, she let it out slowly. "Adam has feelings for Kyle, you know that. Kyle specifically told me at one point that he didn't want Adam encouraged in that area. Well, Adam finally came to terms with liking Kyle, and I had to...to redirect him. And I hated that. I want to believe in happy endings and people falling for each other, and people being happy together, and I want that, for both of them, I do, and I had to make sure it didn't go there, and it was terrible. And I know that this is just something people do, something friends do, but..."
“But you feel like shit actually having to do it?” Charlie summarised, nodding slightly. “So Adam likes Kyle, but Kyle doesn’t like Adam. And Kyle has you doing his dirty work for him?” How very playground mentality. It was hard not to just group this Kyle guy in the same way as Adam.
Wren nodded miserably. “Yes.” she said. But she knew that wasn’t all, either. “It wasn’t ‘dirty work’.” she said. “I was there at Adam’s, because they were both panicking about the possibility of losing their friendship, which won’t happen anyhow, but...still...I don’t know.” she was quiet for a moment. “It was awful. And that isn’t all. I wish I could explain better what was going on with me, but there’s something, and I don’t know what. All I know is I keep feeling more and more broken.”
“You’re too nice,” he told her, dropping his hands down her arms and taking her hands loosely in his. “Kyle just didn’t want to have the ‘I don’t see you that way’ talk with Adam, so he didn’t. And I get why he didn’t want to do that, in a way, But that doesn't make it easier on you.” And Charlie realised that he kinda hated Kyle for that. As much as you could hate someone you’d never met (and hate seemed like too strong a word in actual fact). Not only for Wren, which did bother him, but also for not being head over heels for Adam. Because that would certainly simplify a whole lot of things. Namely, distracting Adam from this whole ‘back off she’s mine!’ vibe he got from the guy, and that whole alpha pissing match he felt like he was in the middle of. For sure, Charlie wasn’t going to be the one backing off, and sewing Adam up in some other relationship would be a nice, neat, easy fix. And Wren would be happy. But that wasn't to be. And it clearly also wasn't all that was wrong either. "What else is going on that's making you feel broken, Little Bird?" he asked her.
"He didn't ask me to have the conversation. I asked him how he felt, and circumstances left me there." Wren corrected, because she felt that was a very important point. Plus, she really didn't want another friend of hers to not meet Charlie's approval. "I don't know. That's the problem. I'm just getting blindsided, by all these...feelings, and I don't know where they come from, or what they are, but they all make me feel even less equipped to deal with...everything. Anything. I just know I feel awful. I feel wrong. I feel off. I wish I knew what was wrong with me, but I think my answer is just that--I'm broken, and there's something fundamentally wrong with me."
Wren drew in a miserable breath and let it out unsteadily. "Chester, I'm useless to people like this." she said in a small voice. "And people really need me not to be useless."
Screw other people, Charlie thought. He knew better than to actually say that to her though. "Okay, Kyle didn't put press on you to do anything - but the result was the same and it still left you feeling awful." He squeezed her hands, lightly, "I don't think you're broken," he told her firmly. "Having to deal with a lot, yes. Broken, definitely not. You want to tell me more about what's making you feel so overwhelmed?"
"And so did you, when I found out you lied to me, but that doesn't make you a bad person." Wren said, sighing. She really didn't want more animosity building. "And it also doesn't mean that I'm holding anything against you." she added. "And I'm not with Kyle, either."
She was quiet for a beat, trying very, very hard to come up with something. Anything that would help. One stray thought occurred to her, though she couldn't say it because she couldn't connect it to anything. But what drifted through her mind was 'I'm a side-note'. "I feel hollow. I feel miswired. I'm afraid of things, and don't even really know what. I don't...I think things are missing." She covered her face with her hands and made a soft, frustrated sound. "And I'm listening to me, and I'm not even making any sense!"
"Okay - no blaming Kyle for anything," Charlie told her with a crooked smile. It wasn't hard to tell that that was what she was aiming for from him. "Are all these feelings recent, or have they been there since you left the commune?" Charlie asked her, trying to not immediately assume. She had told him time and again that she wasn't the person he had known. It was time he actually took that on board.
"Recent." Wren said, dropping the Kyle issue because yes, she'd heard what she wanted to hear. "Since I got here, though, even then, just very recently." She felt stupid, sitting there talking about it like this. Needing to walk through it step by step was ridiculous. She was a grown woman. An adult. She shouldn't need to play this game.
"And what kicked it all off?" Charlie asked her, half expecting to hear that it was at least, in part, himself. She had been really upset about his attitude, after all.
She had to think about that. It took her a few minutes, while she looked down at her hands, feeling stupid. "Something felt missing." she said, thinking that might have been what kicked it off. It was the first instance where she could pinpoint that something was wrong, anyhow. At least with Adam.
“Missing from where?” Charlie prompted, patiently. He was determined not to make assumptions here. He knew Wren’s thought processes went differently to basically anyone else’s. Assumptions never helped with her.
She tried to think of how to word it. "We were talking about him not winding up alone." she said, frown on her features remaining. Her gaze was distant, as she pictured the event in her mind, hoping that helped. "How I didn't believe he would, and I offered to ask my cards." she continued. "He was asking me what if they did say he'd be alone. I told him that I wouldn't ask if he didn't want, but that he was a good person, sweet. That there was going to be a whole new world opening up for him." Absently, she twisted and untwisted a lock of her hair around her finger. "He told me it was already a new world." she bit her lower lip. "He said he had me, so technically, he was already not alone."
Charlie stilled slightly, abruptly thinking he wasn’t sure he wanted to continue this conversation. Maybe he was masochistic though, or just determined to be there for her, because even though he had a feeling of dread growing in the pit of his stomach, he carried on. “And then what?” he asked, his voice a little quieter, despite his intentions.
Wren sighed and shrugged, dropping her hands into her lap. "And then it felt like something was missing." she said. "And I don't even know what. And after that, I just...was reminded again that I feel broken." she said, looking back to his eyes. "I don't want to be broken."
Sitting across from her, Charlie let out a slow breath. “Wren - do you ...like Adam?” he asked, tentatively. Pleasesayno, pleasesayno, pleasesayno sounded on loop in his head, yet the question needed to be asked.
Confusion hit her features, and she looked at him. "Does it sound like I do?" she asked, because she didn't have a proper answer for him. She knew what he meant. It wasn't the friendship level he was talking about. He was talking about...other things. But she needed to ask because she didn’t know, but he probably would.
Oh god, please don’t ask me to make that call for you. “Little Bird - how do you think about Adam?” he asked her, instead, figuring that this was it. This was his punishment for lying to her. This was hell.
"What do you mean, 'how'?" she asked. "He's my friend. I think about him. I worry about him. I worry about everyone." she said. "Should there be some difference? There should be, I'm sure of it. Is that what the missing piece is?"
Charlie took a breath and mentally prepared himself for this. “Yes, there’s a difference. When you like-like someone. Do you... Do you smile when you think of him? Sometimes at really random times. He’d just be... there in your mind. And it makes you smile. Makes you feel warm inside. Just here,” he explained, touching his chest. “Like him being in the world makes things just... better. Even when they’re shit. Is what he says, what he does, what he is, more important to you than most of the people you know? Like... There’s a spotlight on him that only you can see, and you don’t get why other people just can’t see it, when it’s so obvious to you. Are you... Are you attracted to him?” he asked, falling over those words a little. “Does your heart beat a little faster when you look at him? Could you... Could you imagine yourself kissing him?” God, but he didn’t want to know the answer to that particular question.
Wren thought about that, really trying to answer those questions. She even closed her eyes, to try and help with that. She imagined Adam, and really tried to focus. And, like before, she hit some wall. Like she didn't know how to deal with this. Like she couldn't quite figure it out, regardless. She was frowning, not sure all of those things applied. Drawing in a deep breath, she let it out slowly, then opened her eyes again, looking just as miserable as before. Plus a bit frustrated. "I don't know." she said. "I don't know that I could kiss anyone, though. I don't think about kissing. I've never been kissed, not really. Not by anyone but Brian, and that was different." Which he knew.
“Brian doesn’t count,” Charlie said, unsure how he felt about that answer. Relieved that he wasn’t getting an affirmation. Disappointed that it wasn’t a straight ‘no’. And also, there was a tiny part of him that had just died that she hadn’t responded to his questions with a ‘that’s the way I feel about you’. He knew better than to expect that though. She had never returned his feelings, why should she start now?
"He doesn't." She confirmed. Actually, Adam had helped a little with that. He had taken quite the strong dislike to that entire situation, and it had nudged her along to seeing how messy that all had been. "So, I guess we can say I have never been kissed. So I don't think about it. I'm not--" she broke off, reaching up to cover her face with her hands. "And here's where I'm broken, Chester! Because I say that, and then what goes through my head is that I'm the Prophet, and I don't have feelings like those and I don't get to do things like that, because I'm not meant to, and I know that's wrong, but--" But it was so ingrained that it was difficult at best to even attempt to get past.
“But that’s the way it was for most of your life,” Charlie concluded. “And for all that time, it was being reinforced for you every day. Not always in ways that you could see and identify. But in all those little ways that are harder because you don’t know what they are when they come. And over the years, they added up. And now you’re trying to undo that.” What they had done was wrong. So very, very wrong. It still made him angry when he thought about it. He had long ago become adept at never letting her - or anyone else - see that though.
"I keep thinking about it, and all I can conclude is that the damage is done." Wren said, dropping her hands again. "That I can't be fixed. I can't even work out what I'm going through, or why. I'm just going to be alone. And that's scary." she told him, leaning her head against the back of the couch. "I think i'm just learning that I want things I'm not going to be able to have. And it's..." heartbreaking. Only that wasn't accurate, was it. She'd have to have a real heart, not the clockwork monstrosity she was sure it had become. She gave a sad smile, looking away. "I think I'm the Tinman."
Charlie reached across and hooked a finger under her chin, encouraging her to look at him again. “You know, in that story, the Tin Man actually always had a heart - possibly the biggest heart of the lot of them - all along. He just needed someone to give him some stupid badge to give him confidence to use it,” he said, softly. “So yeah - maybe you are the Tin Man, but that’s no bad thing. And you’re not going to be alone. You’ll - you’ll always have me.”
When he redirected her gaze, she did look up at him without hesitation. She focused on his eyes as he spoke, and he got a smile out of her. A sad one, but a smile nonetheless. "I'm lost without you, you know." she told him. "You were gone for three years, and so I know what I do without you, and it isn't much of anything." She'd made more or less no progress as a person in her time in prison.
He smiled slightly at that, not dropping his finger. “And yet you keep telling me you’re not the same person you were. Which - you’re not. And I have to keep remembering that. But, if I get my choice, I won’t be leaving you again.”
"Want to come live on the beach, with Adam and I?" she asked, still smiling. "I know you don't get along, but there's supposed to be sunshine, and sand, and I say a hut, but Adam says a house. Maybe you can help swing the vote my way." she said, laughing just a little. "Which is cheating, I know."
He dropped his hand then. “You and Adam are planning to live together?” he asked. He was proud that he didn’t sound as off as he felt with that news. Yeah, he didn’t like Kyle. Bastard was meant to be distracting Adam. That would just simplify everything.
"We talked about it. He said it was like the Shawshank Redemption. Which was very good!" she said. "And hard to watch in places, but I really liked it." she added, in case he hadn't seen it. It had been new to her. "Talked about after we leave here. I was thinking about how we don't know who we'll be, or where we'll be. I suggested a place to meet up. Though we don't have a place picked out yet, so you can help with that too. Where would you like to go?" she asked. She'd always assumed that she'd be inviting him along in the first place.
“How about the other side of the world? LIke Thailand, or India. Somewhere far away from here,” he suggested to her.
She smiled at that. "Are those places pretty?" she asked. "I'd like to see things. Ruins, and cultures and statues," she said, obviously warming to the idea even as she spoke about it. She sat up straighter, leaning closer to him. "I could try different food, and see what I like, and I'm sure you've had a lot of it already, but still." she said. "Where would you like to go the most?"
“I’ve never been to either of them, but I hear they are. Actually, I’ve never been much of anywhere,” he admitted. “And I never really stopped to think where I would go.” He had been focused on what he had to do. He would still have been focused, save that a prison sentence had forced him to a stop.
Wren looked surprised. "Really?" she asked. "I suppose I thought you had other adventures, once I found out about..." she trailed off, not really wanting to say 'you lied' out loud then. She didn't want to think about it, either. She wanted to concentrate on the more positive conversation. "I guess I don't know why I thought that. You told me your story." she added. "Perhaps you just always come off as worldly to me." she told him with a smile.
“Well, if you put it like that, sure - I’ve travelled. To many exciting parts of rural America where there is usually some kind of farm and then nothing at all for many, many miles. Sure - very worldly,” he teased.
She laughed, reaching out to nudge his knee. "Stop." she said. "So, alright, you haven't been far, or to any place exotic, but you know a whole lot about people." she told him. "So, where are we going?" she asked. "You and I get to go someplace. Where do you choose?"
“I don’t,” Charlie said, then carried on before she could question that. “We pack our bags, we head for the airport and we take the first plane to wherever it’s going. Just... travel. If we don’t like where we are, we head someplace else. Why plan? Just go where the wind blows us until we find someplace we like.” Which, he knew, didn’t fit with what she wanted - a specific place to meet up. But, right now, it appealed to him and if they were only dreaming, he wanted to dream.
She laughed. "We could do that?" she asked. "Just...drift?" Part of her liked the idea. Going anywhere, not stopping to think about it at all. It was exciting to consider, at any rate. She didn't know if she would be suited to it, but she liked the idea, and he seemed to. If nothing else, Wren knew she'd do it if that was what he wanted.
“We could do anything we want, Little Bird. Anything at all.” He hoped. He refused to be cynical right now. Refused to voice any of his doubts about this program. Not to her.
Wren smiled. "Okay." she said. "We can do that too." she told him. "One day. When we're out there. I suppose if we're moving around, I'll be less likely to succumb to the idea that I'm completely unprepared for the world." she said. If they didn't stop and put down roots, she wouldn't have to deal with the fact that she didn't know how to relate to anything normally. All customs would be new and strange, and she could learn right alongside Chester.
“And then you’ll be out in the world and you might not be prepared, but you’ll have experience,” he pointed out.
"Right." she told him. She relaxed a little, realizing that they'd completely skipped subjects now. That they weren't discussing her issues anymore, or even what they were. He did this, though. When she was upset, he made her feel better. Going with impulse, she reached out, and took one of his hands between hers, giving it a squeeze.
He wrapped his fingers around hers and returned the squeeze. He hardly hesitated when he gently pulled on her hand in a way that the natural thing for her to do would be to lean on him.
Wren did that, drawing in a breath and letting it out slowly as she relaxed against him. She liked how this felt. Warm and safe. Like she'd felt the other night, really. Unbidden, things Adam had been saying on the journals came to mind. Like how he seemed to think Chester had feelings for her. She didn't believe that, but where she was, in that moment, it rose to the surface of her thoughts.
He wrapped his arms around her, cradling her to him. Resting his head against her, he closed his eyes for a moment. This - just this. He had never pushed things, never spoken about things, but this was what he wanted. She was what he wanted. But she was so delicate, so breakable, especially right now.
She was comfortable. Staying silent for a while, when she spoke it was softly. "I like this." she told him. She didn't know if it should be mentioned or not, but that was how she was feeling.
“Yeah?” Charlie asked her, not moving. He wanted to know why, but he didn’t trust his motivations on that. Sure, it could be because they had been talking about her, and feeling wrong and the reasons behind things. But he knew it could also be because he wanted to hear that she liked this with him.
"I feel safe here. Nice, and warm and calm and safe, and it's nice. Secure." she said, latching onto that word. "It's just nice. Feels nice." Because she knew she was missing words out, and that was the only way she could put it. There was a block there too, she was realizing. It just wasn't quite so...panicking. It had her frowning slightly to herself, but it simply wasn't so overwhelming and distressing now.
“Yeah,” Charlie agreed. He knew he probably should be saying more right now, but he wasn’t. If they talked, she’d probably move away. He wanted this right now, and he could pretend that his only reason for that was that he wanted to comfort her.
Absently, Wren started to drift her fingers back and forth against the back of his hand. She was concentrating on his breathing. Thinking about trying to work out whatever she was feeling there. Why it wasn't dredging up bad things in her. She wanted to find something to say, but it was all things she'd said to him before. That she'd missed him. That whenever he'd left the commune before she'd missed him. All things he knew. But she felt like she wanted to share something with him, something that would tell him again only in a different way that he meant so much to her.
She just ran up against that wall again.
So she took a different track. “What are you thinking about?”
“I missed you,” he confessed to her. “I never thought I was going to see you again. And then there you were. And I’d missed you so much.”
Wren couldn't help but smile at that, and she let go of his hand. But it was just to turn and put her arms around his neck, giving him a hug. She was getting more and more used to hugs. To contact at all, really. It was nice. And when he said that, she couldn't not. "I never stopped thinking about you." she told him quietly, unsure if she'd shared that or not.
“God, me neither,” Charlie told her, looking at her for a moment as though she were everything in the world.
And there was that moment again. She felt it, that part where something was missing. She pulled back enough to look at him, watching his eyes like she was going to find an answer there. Could she just ask? Would he know? Was it okay for her to ask?
“And I hated it when we fought,” he added. “And when I thought... That you were here, but I couldn’t be in your life.”
"I did too." she told him. "Adam tells me I had a...a panic attack when that happened." she admitted. She trusted him on that. He seemed like he would know. He hadn't seemed at all like he was guessing, at least.
“I’m sorry,” Charlie told her, immediately. “I never meant for anything like that. I always wanted to be something positive in your life, no matter what.”
"You are, it was the thought of you not being in it like that that did it." Wren clarified for him. "I was really sick at the idea that you'd be around, but not part of my life. Things got all...shakey." she said, not sure how else to describe it. "Obviously, I don't do well with the idea of you not being here."
“Good job I’m not planning on going anywhere, then is it?” he told her with a smile.
She nodded. "Yes." she said, very much agreeing there. She watched his eyes, still feeling that 'something missing' thing. And, because they were talking, and she'd already had breakdowns over missing pieces, she gave it voice. "Is something missing?" she asked, that pinch of confusion in her tone, a flicker across her expression.
Charlie forgot to breathe for a moment when she said that. “Does it feel - you... Think something’s missing?” he asked her, trying not to put too much thought into what could be ‘missing’ under her definition in this situation. He had no idea how he would handle it if she said ‘yes’. Just because something was missing, didn’t mean it would be welcome if it made an appearance, after all.
Wren nodded. "I don't know what it is." she told him. "Am I wrong?" She trusted him to know.
Charlie swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. He suddenly felt like he was in the middle of a minefield. He didn’t know how to approach this situation, other than ‘carefully’. “...Do you want there to be something missing?” he asked her. “I mean... Would you - does it... Feel like there should be something more. Or is... This okay?”
It was strange for her, seeing Chester trip over his words. Normally he didn't. He was a very confident man, after all. He always seemed to know exactly what he was doing. Like he never needed anyone to lead him. She wasn't certain how to handle it, either. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." she said, that word hitting her upside the head again. 'Inappropriate'. She started to pull back, unsure of her place now, and everything else.
He tightened his grip on her - though not enough to prevent her from going if she really wanted to. Just enough to let her know he didn’t want her to. “I’m - you didn’t make me uncomfortable,” he assured her. “I just... Don’t want to make you uncomfortable either.”
Oh god. Was this conversation going to happen again? Why was everyone so worried about making her uncomfortable? She was fine. She was just fine, and if she was uncomfortable, she would move. The one with Adam had gone poorly, and she still didn't even know what it was really about. She didn't want the same thing to happen here. She didn't keep trying to pull away, but she was definitely feeling the edge of distress. "I'm not." she insisted.
Charlie sent up a silent prayer to a god he didn’t actually believe in that this wasn’t all about to blow up in his face. “Then, yes - there would be something missing,” he told her.
That actually sent a flood of relief through her. If he knew what it was, then he could tell her. And then she could actually know, instead of being confused. Tension she hadn't realized she'd been holding onto released, and she exhaled. "What is it?" she asked. "Please tell me."
There was a pause that seemed to last for an eternity before Charlie spoke. “This would be the moment where you realise that I want to kiss you, and where you decide whether or not you want me to,” he told her, his voice quiet, but certain.
A kiss. That was what was missing? A kiss. A real kiss. Did she want that? If she was thinking something was missing there, and that was the focus of it, then maybe she did. Was it okay to do that? She had the feeling that it was going to make things exponentially more confusing for her. But when he said it, he didn't sound wrong at all. It didn't feel like he was wrong. "Are you going to?" she asked, voice even quieter than his had been. Her gaze ticked down to his lips, an unconscious reaction. That, along with a little bite to her lower lip.
Oh god, that was the question, but as she asked it, he realised that he already knew the answer to it. “Yes,” he told her. “I am - unless you tell me not to.”
"I'm not." Wren told him. Because right then, she felt like she needed to do this. Or he did, or they did, or something, but if that was what was missing, she needed to know. And part of her felt like she couldn't breathe, but not in a bad way. In a way like she was on hold til he got closer. There was fear mixed in with other things she couldn't identify, nerves that weren't all bad.
He leaned in slowly, giving her time to change her mind if she wanted to. His eyes fluttered closed at the last moment. He couldn’t actually believe that this was happening, and he hoped he wasn’t making a huge mistake. For him, he knew it wasn’t, but for her - who knew. He kept it light, pressing his lips against hers softly before pulling back, opening his eyes once again.
Wren closed her eyes. It was a different experience altogether, this kiss. Even just the lightness of it, it was so different to what she remembered Brian's kisses to be like. Which, she knew they would be, but having that theory tested and come out true was quite the experience. It made her stomach do a little pleasant flip, something pretty unfamiliar for her. When he pulled back, she drifted into his wake just slightly, like she wasn't fully prepared for it to be over yet. She opened her eyes a beat too slowly, her focus clearing as she found his gaze.
There was a questioning in his gaze which echoed how he felt inside. A vulnerability that was usually very much absent from Charlie’s demeanour as he waited for her reaction. He had always been so careful to keep things on a friendly basis with her, and this was clearly not that. He knew that he could be in the middle of destroying everything, yet at the same time, his stomach was doing complicated gymnastics with joy.
She very much didn't see him looking like that very often. He was a confident man. In everything. He wasn't the type to falter. She smiled. She had no idea what to say, and decided that talking it out wasn't the answer. Not right now. Not when she wanted to do that again. It seemed to have quieted some of the turmoil in her head. It wasn't that it was gone, just more like the volume got turned down instead of up. There were still walls, there were still huge blank spaces that she didn't know how to identify, possibly that was just alright with him. He was Chester, and she didn't pretend around him. Even when she might think it was a good idea.
Instead of saying anything, she just closed the distance herself, to try that out a second time.
When she actually kissed him, he responded immediately, and with far more passion than the chaste kiss of a moment ago, pulling her to him and kissing her rather more properly, the way he had always wanted to. The way he could now he had her tacit permission to do so.
She made a tiny little surprised sound at the big change there, but it wasn't a bad thing. That little sound was followed up by something a little more appreciative, as she returned the kiss. And now instead of little butterflies, there seemed to be an adrenaline rush coursing through her system. The first kiss had been nice. This kiss was a different animal altogether, and even if she hadn't been prepared for the power behind it, that didn't mean she pulled away.
He drew the kiss out, his hand drifting up her back to bury itself in her hair. He long, soft hair that he’d dreamed about being able to touch this way for so many years. And now here he was, and he could, at least for the moment. Soon, the moment would be over and who knew what would happen then, but, right now, everything was perfect.
Wren was finding herself trying to get closer to him, even if she was already pretty much as close as she could get. Still, there was a desire to do so, to chase the feeling that she could ignore everything else, if only for a little while. Plus, physically, everything he was doing felt amazing, like she'd been waiting for it. Maybe she had. Maybe that's what one of those blank walls was about. She didn't know, and she didn't care either, right then.
Charlie didn’t actually want to let her go, but he was aware that if he didn’t, if he kept on, things could get very carried away, very quickly. He didn’t want that for her. So, eventually, reluctantly, he broke the kiss and pulled back a little. “That was what was missing,” he told her, offering her a little smile. “I - hope it wasn’t a bad missing?”
She gave the slightest sound of protest as he pulled back, clearly too wrapped up in it all to want to call a halt just yet. Still, he was talking, and she needed to pay attention to that. It just took her slightly longer to focus than usual. The only thing 'bad' she could point to in that was that it hadn't happened sooner. Because that was amazing. It brought to the surface feelings she'd pretty much thought weren't going to ever happen for her. Unique ones she still couldn't quite suss out, but that seemed less important than it was before. "I...no. No, that wasn't bad." she said, struggling to answer his question, to come up with words. "I felt that." she said, that being the closest to how she was feeling that she could say definitively.
He laughed slightly - that relieved sort of laugh that was a half cough. She didn’t hate him for it - that was a very good start. “I’ve... I’ve wanted to do that for a very long time,” he admitted to her. He had always kept all of this from her, but now that door was open, he couldn’t just close it again.
She looked surprised at that. Which came out in the form of her staring, blinking at him. "You have?" she asked. "I...since when?" she asked. "I...you've never said anything. Or done anything. Or..." she trailed off, deciding to shut up before she tripped too badly over everything.
“Since.... About three months after I met you,” Charlie admitted to her. It wasn’t like it had been love at first sight or anything. Hell, he had first befriended her as part of the job. But, after he had gotten to know her, that had changed. “And of course I never said anything. Can you imagine what Brian would have done to me if I had?”
That left Wren feeling like she'd missed a very, very big step. Apparently, Adam was right, on that. Still, it was a lot to take in. That long? Her eyes were wide as she processed, though part of her wasn't managing it at all. Her saving grace was his comment about what Brian would have done. "I can't. I don't know what he would have done." she said. Though she hugged him then, tight, knowing it was 'something bad'. And she didn't particularly want to let her imagination go running wild there. “That long? ...this whole time?”
"That long," Charlie confirmed. "And this whole time." he didn't try and clue her in on what he thought Brian would have done - he had had some pretty good ideas over the time. Most of them he had used on himself, imagined to himself, to stop him from trying to do anything monumentally stupid.
She fell silent, still trying to let that really settle in her mind. And it wouldn't quite manage. "How?" she asked. "Is that okay to ask?" she added, unsure if it was appropriate or not. Then, thoughts of what was and wasn't appropriate hit, and she nearly asked about that. She bit her lip instead. "I'm a barely functioning person. I was worse, then."
"You're a functioning person, Wren. You always were. You're stronger than a hell of a lot of people, you know. More put together than a hell of a lot of people as well," he told her. "And of course it's okay to ask. It's always okay to ask," he reassured her.
She didn't know about that. She sure as hell didn't feel like she was functioning today. Or, she hadn't been when he'd found her this morning. Or, actually, she'd nearly crashed into him. So it was less 'finding' her and more him not letting her run off a blubbering mess by herself. "Does it mean something that I was disappointed that your room isn't closer to mine?" she asked.
A small, hopeful smile appeared on his face as she said that. "Really?" he asked, in an almost boyish tone. "I... Would like to, I mean, I'd hope so?" he suggested.
"You're all the way across the farm. When I pointed out your room, I was disappointed. I wanted you to be closer." Wren told him, smiling a little. she played with a strand of her hair again, mind going over little fragments in her head. Little fragments she didn't really add up on her own, but if she was allowed to ask questions here, then maybe this was her shot to understand it all better. Including herself. "Do you ever hear things echo in your mind?" she asked. "I know that sounds crazy. But something someone says, and it just keeps coming back to you?"
"Like what?" Charlie asked her, though he didn't sound at all like he was disagreeing with her.
"After you told me that it would be inappropriate to sleep in the same bed, I kept coming back to that." Wren told him. "And I didn't really know why, and I don't know what triggers it, but it kept...echoing." she explained, hoping she didn't sound too insane. But it had been happening. And he might get it better than she did. "I suppose it was bothering me." she said, taking at least one tentative step in a direction she thought was correct. Or at least not wrong.
"When would it come to mind?" Charlie asked her. "Normally - if something like that happens with me, it's because there's some kind of association," he explained, thinking that might help her, make her feel better about things.
"When Adam said I could stay in the bed." she said, since that was one of the clearest places it had turned up. "So, I suppose similar circumstances, only with different results. And I wondered if it was me who was inappropriate." she added thoughtfully. "I thought about it again when he was asking if he was still going to sleep on the floor next time he stayed in my room. But things got really, really awkward, and I'm still not even sure why. I don't know what happened there."
Charlie really wanted to tell her that yes, it would be highly inappropriate for her to sleep in the same bed as Adam and no way should she ever even consider doing anything like that. But, he knew that his motivations would be all wrong. "I said that to you because it would have been inappropriate for me," he explained, instead, reining himself in. "Because I liked you and you didn't know and... It would have been potentially awkward. For me."
Absently, she braided the end of her hair, thinking about it. "So it was for your benefit." she said, checking her understanding. "Alright." she could accept that. "I was confused." Clearly. Like she was about just about everything, but at least that made her feel slightly better. It meant it wasn't a problem inherent with her, and she hadn't done anything wrong to deserve it.
Charlie gave her a crooked grin. “Mostly for your benefit,” he allowed. His benefit was not having to explain an early morning wake up in her arms. “I’m sorry I confused you. That was never my intention - but I didn’t want to rock the boat either.”
Wren nodded, giving him the hint of a smile, even if his statement made her sad. "Do I seem that fragile?" she asked, wanting his honest assessment there. It was important to her.
“You seemed upset with me,” he countered. “Which - I completely understand, under the circumstances.”
"I think my version of 'upset' and other people's are different things." Wren said, though didn't think she needed to clarify that much more. "But...you do see me that way, do you not? You seem to be very careful with me." she noted. "You said nothing about wanting to kiss me as long as you did, and I know things are circumstantial. That everything is different, and everything plays into everything else. I suppose I'm just trying to figure out is how broken I am, versus how broken people think I am...it's all kind of a mess, isn't it? In one way or another."
“Wren,” Charlie told her. “Stop - Stop making this all about you. Seriously. It’s - it’s not all about you.” He pulled away, needing a little distance between them for now. “Yes, I’ve wanted to kiss you for basically ever now. But - not all about you. Yes, I... Like you. But I didn’t say anything before because you were taken, and I didn’t have a death wish. And there were other things going on. And then there was... Everything that happened and I didn’t see you for years. And no, in that time, my feelings didn’t change. But when I got here - well, things had changes. You had changed, I had changed. And that needed to be dealt with. None of which has to do with whether or not you’re any kind of broken - no matter how much you want to keep trying to bring the subject back round to that.” Possibly he was being harsh right now, but maybe that was what she needed. To realise that not everything in life was directly linked to her ability to get on in the quote-unquote real world.
When he pulled away, she moved to the other side of the couch, giving him her full attention as she did so. "Please continue." she said. He seemed to have a whole lot built up to say, so, she wanted to give him the floor to do so. Without interruption.
“There’s no real ‘continue’ Wren,” Charlie told her. “Just... Right now you’re seeming to automatically assume that where there’s anything, it’s rooted in you. And that’s not always the case. Like... I turn up here. You find out that my birth name’s actually Charlie, not Chester. That the people who I’d told you were my parents weren’t my parents. That my history is actually entirely different to the one I told you. And yes - I had justifiable reasons for all of that. And no, it didn’t actually mean that I had totally lied to you about everything. But - were you justified in being mad at me, for being upset and feeling betrayed by that? Yes. Absolutely. And if you decided to forgive me, or any variant of that since then then thank you. But none of that actually says anything different about you. Except maybe that you’re an exceptionally forgiving and understanding person that I’m insanely glad about. And that I didn’t actually know until after I’d lived through it - and basically until kind of this moment. Where, sure - we’ve been getting on, but you still could have slapped me for this. And if it’s the choice between keeping my mouth shut and you in my life, and speaking out - I am going to be entirely mute here.”
For not having a 'continue' he seemed to still have a lot to say. She didn't interrupt him, considering everything he said. "I have not meant to be self centered." she said first, because that was important to her. "Right now, I'm feeling the...jagged edges. I don't feel together. Like inside, there's this storm, and I'm trying very hard to shut it out, and I'm not necessarily doing that well. I have trouble right now even quite understanding who I am, and what that means to people around me. If I'm cut out for...anything. Some people are important to me and how I appear to them is important. You, for instance. I'm not saying that everything is about me. When you said you didn't want to rock the boat, that's how it translated to me. I apologize if I misinterpreted. Things are all close to the surface right now. I didn't mean to take away from anything you have been through, which I know was also quite a lot."
Wren watched him, keeping her gaze there for a long handful of moments before she continued. "Charlie," she said, purposely using his real name even if she normally didn't. "There's not going to be much of anything that you can really do that's going to make me...turn my back, or 'slap' you for it. The things that I would do that in response to I do not believe you capable of. I would rather you rock the boat. I think that's who you are, deep down. Someone who's got the strength of will to rock the boat. Don't worry about my reaction. It won't be one that means you're going to wind up losing me."
“When I said I didn’t want to rock the boat, I meant that when I first got here, things between us... Well, we just in the past couple of days really seem to have gotten back to a more stable understanding. I didn’t want to push too far, too fast. And that wasn’t related on you and how you feel or don’t feel like you’ve been coping lately so much as it was because I wouldn’t have done that to anyone.”
She nodded. "I understand." she said, getting that explanation on things. She could see it, from his point of view, at the very least. "Where are things now?" she asked. That was a little mystifying for her. But she also wanted to be on the same page, especially if things were very precarious.
Charlie paused. “Where do you want them to be?” he asked her, lightly.
Wren looked a little pained. "Chester, of the two of us, one has got to be more well versed in relationships. It isn't me. I don't know." she said honestly. "I don't even know what you might want, or what things entail..." she said, clearly overwhelmed on that.
Charlie couldn’t help the smile when she said the word ‘relationships’. “Believe it or not, I’m not actually that well versed,” he admitted. In actual fact, he hadn’t had a proper relationship since he’d been in high school, nearly a decade beforehand. “But - I like you, Wren,” he said, deciding that that was the best way to put things without bringing overwhelming declarations into it. “And - I’d... Like to see where things go. I don’t mind how that happens. I’d be good with just... Trying things out and seeing,” he told her. After all, it was hardly like this was a standard environment.
"Okay." she said. "Trying out and seeing." she repeated. "...does this mean if there's missing things when I'm around Adam that I shouldn't mention it?" she asked. "Now that I know what's missing?" Adam certainly had had massive issues, or it seemed like it, with her past and the idea that she'd been in a relationship where there was more than one wife. It occurred that Charlie might have issues as well, that never got expressed at the commune.
The smile dropped off Charlie’s face. He swallowed and tried to sound normal, “Mention it to who - him or me?” he asked. With everything that had just happened, he had entirely forgotten about the fact that this had all started because she had mentioned there being a moment where she hadn’t kissed Adam.
"To him." Wren said, concerned that his face fell there. "I should keep that sort of thing to myself?" she said, wanting that confirmation. "Though, his interest is in Kyle anyhow, I suppose, so that would make it awkward, even more than it already is." she said, blaming herself for anything going weird there.
“Do you want to kiss Adam?” Charlie asked, trying still to not betray any judgement there. He was very well aware that some people back in the commune had practiced polygamy and the idea of it might not be the problem for her which it was for him.
Confusion hit her again. "I don't know?" she suggested. "There was that moment, and we've established what that is." she tried to logic it out. It was difficult for her, though, that much was clear. "But he doesn't have feelings like that for me." she said, frowning. "...and I said the same thing to him about you. So, I'm guessing my judgment is suspect." she said, looking to him again for confirmation there.
“Can I be honest?” he asked her. “If there’s going to be something between you and me. If we’re going to try for a relationship, then - I would be very unhappy if you kissed Adam. Or, really, anyone else. So - if you need time to figure out if you want to? Then I think you need to take that time.”
Wren considered that, nodding slowly. It was odd for her. She'd grown up in a society that did practice relationships in a different way than this. But she also understood by now that it wasn't by any stretch of the imagination the norm. Truly thinking it over, she nibbled at her lower lip. "...I think even if something happened with Adam, I would always be aware that I was a second choice." she said first, not quite looking at Charlie when she did so, though it was just because she wanted to really sort this out for herself. "He very much has this really large thing for Kyle. So, if things happened with me, it would be the next best thing, not because he was that attracted to me." she told him. "I think." That was how it felt in her head, anyhow. Whether or not that was valid was a different thing altogether.
"I do want to try things with you." she said, settling her gaze on him again. "You're probably the most important person I've ever had in my life. I don't do well even thinking about the idea that you aren't going to be in it. I might not be able to process things properly, but looking at it all together like that, it's fairly obvious that there's something significant there."
“And I wouldn’t be second choice for you then?” Charlie asked, lightly. “I don’t want you to regret anything, but - you should know that this, this is something that I really want. You are. I wouldn’t be playing around. You would never be a second choice for me,” he told her, rather earnestly.
Wren shook her head, and it was immediate. She didn't have to think about it. "No." she told him, watching his eyes. "You would not be a second choice. If I wasn't so..." she made a vague gesture towards herself. "Messy," she chose. "If I hadn't been married to Brian, and hadn't been oblivious, or ...everything, then I think you'd be my first choice." She wasn’t sure if she put that properly, but she hoped he got it.
Charlie grinned, slowly as he moved, creeping across the sofa, stretching out, his arms either side of her as he leaned over her and in to kiss her once again. “You say the sweetest things,” he murmured against her lips before kissing her again.
She smiled when he grinned, and she felt that pleasant anticipation rise up in her stomach as he got closer. She didn't know what she'd said that qualified as sweet, but she was happy he thought so. When he kissed her, she returned it, eager to do so. She quite liked the kissing part of things. It was all so much less confusing for her. It allowed her to stop living inside her own head, if only for a few moments at a time.