Autumn (autumn_ruby) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2013-02-28 02:08:00 |
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Entry tags: | adam, adam and autumn, autumn, day twelve |
you need to sleep
Characters: Adam and Autumn
Setting: her room
Adam had spent a good ten minutes still in his pajamas berating himself for screwing things up with Wren too. There was something definitely wrong there and he was sure it was his fault, that he’d done something wrong to make it all the worse.
When he did drag himself up he showered and went through the strange ass test that the administration had put up. He got his results, but didn’t post them, because it just felt too weird to do so. It was too strange a thing.
He wasn’t missing out on his chance to see Autumn, not with everything going on in his, with Wren and Kyle and so much more that he was doing a better job of ignoring. Of course ignoring it wasn’t exactly making things any better, but that wasn’t stopping him. So as he stood outside Autumn’s door, he was nervously running his hands over his hair, feet tapping and making knock in rapid fire.
Autumn had taken her test after getting up and showering, and she was debating what she was doing with her day. Besides seeking out Mazie, and letting her know how much the music had meant to her, and how she really wanted to get together and...she had no idea what. Spend time together. The knock on her door had her getting up and answering in short order, however, and she gave Adam a quick glance over.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" she asked, stepping back so he could enter the room.
“Wrong?” Everything. He guessed maybe that was obvious. When she let him in, he went, giving her more space than usual as he made his way in the room. “I guess...lots. We said we’d meet?” Adam said, looking over at her, then looking around her room for somewhere to sit and settling on the couch.
Shutting the door behind him, she let him choose where he wanted to sit, if he wanted to at all, and for her part, she went to sit indian style on the end of her bed, focus on him. When he sat on the couch, it was easy to keep him in view, and didn't crowd him. "We said we'd meet." she confirmed. "So, tell me about 'lots'." she invited.
Adam opened his mouth to start then didn’t quite have the words right away and wound up closing it so he could think it through first. After a moment he started again. “I think I screwed things up with Wren. I know I screwed things up with Kyle.” He looked at his hands and let out a sigh then ran them over his face.
Two of the people on his list of trusted individuals, she noted. And she also wondered what could have gone wrong with Kyle, what with the guy being a prickly, protective wall. "Pick one of them, and tell me about it." she guided.
He picked at his fingernails a little, not looking at her. “Wren stayed over last night. I woke her up with a nightmare and...she was great. We talked and I was fine with her being close, really fine.” He sighed again and shook his head. “She wound up sleeping in my bed, which was fine, great even and then this morning it got weird and she touched me, just barely and I flinched and she left.”
Autumn nodded, glad to hear that he was comfortable with someone being close when he might be vulnerable. That was a good sign, most certainly. She was slightly surprised that bed sharing happened, but she didn't show it. When he finished, however, she recognized the situation for what it likely was--an overreaction. "Adam, there's going to be little setbacks. Just because you were alright with contact the night before doesn't mean that everything is fine and you won't have reactions like that from time to time. It's okay. It's normal. And you should come to terms with that idea yourself. But it's also okay. I'm sure if you just talk to her, let her know it isn't her, and it's just a reaction you can't control, but it doesn't mean you don't care about her or anything, it should be okay. People, if they care about you, should understand."
She gave him a light smile. "And they're also entitled to their own reactions, so if she left, maybe she needed a little space. But that doesn't mean it's a major event, or has to be treated like it's the end of your friendship, or a huge setback." she added. "It'll be a back and forth thing, Adam. A learning process for everyone. And there'll occasionally be some pinched feelings, but that's okay."
“It’s just...I know she takes it seriously. Maybe personally. She told me last night she doesn’t initiate any touching because once I flinched when she hugged me because she wanted to hug me. And now she like consciously thinks about not touching me and then she did and I screwed up.” Adam shook his head a little and rubbed at his face again. “I know it’s not the end of things, I just feel like it was going well, we were really close and I set us back again.” He glanced up at Autumn. “Her needing space isn’t really a good thing.” Or at least that was what he’d gathered from things with Autumn and Mazie, but he didn’t bring that up because he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to know about it.
"You're being too hard on yourself." Autumn told him first, voice gentle. "You've got some issues. They aren't going to go away over night. And if she's aware, which from the sounds of it she is, then she'll be okay and this will blow over. You're going to have missteps. Everyone does, no one's perfect. Why is her needing space not a good thing?"
“I know they aren’t going away, but things just seemed so wrong. So off. Like something was...there but not? I don’t know. She seemed really off, and we’d been talking and things had made sense and then it wasn’t and she kept saying she was okay and I felt terrible about it, but I didn’t believe her.” Adam cut himself off from babbling and rolled his eyes at himself. “I swear Kyle is rubbing off on me.” He took a moment to get his thoughts together then looked up at her. “When is that ever a good thing?”
"Adam, you might want to realize as well that maybe she's got things going on herself that have nothing to do with you. That maybe she's having some issues of her own, and that's playing in, and none of it is your fault." Autumn said. "Not everything will trace back to you. Stumble points with friends, that's a two way street." she continued.
When he asked the last question, she gave it a thorough answer. "Sometimes, people need space. It's a personality thing, a lot of the time. Some people are the types who when they need to think about things, they need to do it alone. They need space, so they can be inside their own head, and not have so many other voices muddying up the water. Other people, they don't like space or can't handle it when others do. Some people are co-dependant, and some people aren't. Space isn't a terrible thing. And some people very much require it for their own mental health. It doesn't have mean anything bad--is there a reason you think it would be? Watch too many romantic comedies, where it automatically means 'we're breaking up', or something like that?"
Adam was quiet for a moment. “I know she has issues,” he said looking up. “I just don’t want to make them worse. I’m trying not to be the reason why my friends are upset.” Which had him worrying about Kyle. He’d left Kyle in a panic and hadn’t done more than messaged him once to let him know that they were still friends. The strain from that showed on his face as he looked back at his shoes again, elbows on his knees.
“No...God I was saying close to the same thing you were to Mazie just a little while ago, and now I’m reacting the same way she was.” And he hadn’t meant to bring that up but that was where his mind went and his filter apparently wasn’t working right.
There was a clear moment of Autumn looking stricken, before she shoved it aside. Apparently, Mazie was flipping out. That wasn't good. Shit. But she wasn't dealing with that right now, she was dealing with Adam, and his issues, so she stuck with that.
"And you still might not be the reason she's upset. Adam, you're taking responsibility for things that might not even be your fault. You need to step back, and understand that other people have a lot going on in their lives, and the little twitch point with you may have just been a small drop in a big pond. You don't know. So don't go assuming total responsibility without at least first entertaining the notion that it might not be you. Especially if you said she was already behaving 'off'." She gave him a soft smile. "The world doesn't revolve around you. That's a good thing to remember."
“I wasn’t thinking about it like I was the center of the universe. Just more the bull in the china shop that takes out everything.” Adam laced and unlaced his hands. “I know there’s something going on there. I don’t want to make it worse by my issues spilling all over her. I really wish I had better control.”
Nodding, Autumn smiled. "I know. But the long and short of it is, if you assume things are all about you, then that's a pretty 'center of the universe' mentality. Most people don't see it for what it is when they're in the middle of it. But if you really do automatically think something is all you, then you're underestimating the rest of the world's influence on people." she told him. "What do you mean by 'something going on'?" she asked, that phrase having a world of possibilities attached.
Adam made a face. That wasn’t how he thought of it, but maybe Autumn was right. That didn’t help matters in the slightest and made him feel worse, but he didn’t say anything on it, though the pain of it was on his face again. “Like I said, she seemed off. Confused. I asked at one point and she said she didn’t know.”
"I know, it's a terrible thing to realize." Autumn said. "And I even get where you're coming from. You know you have issues, and you don't want them impacting the people you care about in a bad way, and so you're a little too overly sensitive to that idea. Meaning you kind of are by default assuming it's something you've done wrong. That just doesn't mean it's the case. And you certainly aren't the only one with issues. So, it could be someone else's issues entirely that are to blame, not yours. Possibly, try just telling yourself that it's not all about you, when you jump to that conclusion. That everyone else has their own crap that's playing in too. Not everything is going to be your fault, hon. Don't make yourself take blame for everything. It's not fair to you. If it makes you feel any better, I can't even tell you how many people in the world do that. It's kind of ridiculously common." she assured him. That was normal, or at least, a normal issue.
Then she turned to the other stuff. "That to me says that it's definitely something she's going through on her own. So, maybe she is confused, or going through some things. Which means if she's being weird, or something, then it's probably on her, not you. You framed this when you spoke to me that you screwed things up. I really don't think it sounds to me like you did. Sounds to me a whole lot like there's something else going on with her."
“I think I’ve been on my own too long maybe, that I think like that.” Adam was quiet, thinking about Wren. “I think there might be. I also think I stomped hard on a trigger I should have known about.” He sighed softly and looked at his palms. “I don’t want to do that to her. I want her to feel...safe with me. Not like she has to worry about me pushing her into that confused and weird place.”
Autumn gave him a smile. "Adam, she stayed with you and slept in your bed. I'm pretty sure you can say that she does feel safe with you. If she didn't, she wouldn't have done that, right?"
Adam made a face while he thought about that then wound up smiling, just slightly. “I suppose you’re right yeah,” he said, feeling his cheeks get warm. “I liked having her there. It was the best sleep I’ve gotten since before I got arrested.”
It was good to see him smile, that was for sure. "That's...a long time." she said, thinking it was significant. "Have you shared a bed with anyone else?" she asked. Seemed relevant, anyways.
He ran his hand over his head while he thought about that, trying to remember. “Mazie sort of stayed one of the first nights we were here. Because I woke her up, but it wasn’t...” He felt his cheeks go pink and ducked his head. “It wasn’t the same thing.”
Autumn arched an eyebrow at that. "It wasn't the same thing?" she repeated. "How's that, then?" she asked, really wondering what he was going to say. She noted the blush, of course, but that could be anything. Including the fact that he was talking to Mazie's girlfriend, so maybe 'I slept with her' was embarrassing for him.
“Mazie and I fell asleep sitting up? Just sort of slumped.” He realized how that might sound belatedly. “It wasn’t a thing. And you two...” That was just awkward. Letting out a breath he ran his hand over his head. “It wasn’t like that with Wren. She actually, like...” How did he say it and not sound like a total sap? There probably wasn’t a way.
"Adam, don't worry. I'm not jealous, and even if you two actually slept together, I really probably would know about it by now. It's fine. Don't worry about offending me or anything." Autumn assured him. She didn't really do jealousy. It was partially due to her former profession, after all. You didn't get possessive or weird about sex. "Wren...?" she prompted so he could finish his thought. "Just say what you mean. Don't try to edit yourself." she added.
“I’d be jealous,” he murmured, thinking that maybe made him less of a person. He considered the wording for a moment then glanced at Autumn for an instant before looking back at his hands. “We actually slept together. Like, her next to me.” His face changed for a moment before he looked up. “That’s never really happened before.”
"Most people would." Autumn said. "Just not me." she continued. "I've got a sort of different view on things." she added, not getting into it, just explaining herself a bit. "Are we talking just sharing a bed, or snuggling, or...?" she asked. "And this is the first time you've done that, and it feels different to you than say, what you did with Mazie?"
“Seems like a really different view,” Adam commented but didn’t go more into it. “Nothing like that,” he said right away shaking his head. “She just...I mean I...I guess I held on to her, all night. Or more the entire time because it was pretty late when we did fall asleep again.” He thought about Mazie and shook his head. “That wasn’t...it wasn’t quite as close or something. There’s been girls, sure, but they never really stuck around. Or stayed close.”
"Holding onto someone all night is generally a sort of snuggle-type activity." Autumn said. "And you appreciated it. You slept well when she was there with you." she prompted, so he would go on.
“I guess it is yeah, but it wasn’t more than that. We’re not...that’s not a thing. That’s not going on.” And if it weren’t for what Wren had said the night before he would have tacked on that he thought she had that with Charlie. Maybe not as much as he’d thought, but he had a feeling Charlie had that in mind from time to time. At least that was the way he seemed to carry himself around her. “I did. It was like...something else to concentrate on. Something to keep the nightmares away.”
"It doesn't have to be." Autumn told him. "I have very much had friends I never slept with or had that type of relationship with that I was snuggly with. Affection doesn't have to mean something more than just comfort, or even more than just exactly what it is. There are many different levels between 'nothing at all' and 'I like your genitals'. Something else to concentrate on, that's something. Maybe we can figure out a way to get you something else to concentrate on other nights, too."
“Something else?” he asked because the rest of it had him blushing. He was thinking of the word ‘genitals’ and how that was definitely wasn’t happening with Wren. Or anyone. And without any effort his thoughts were back to Kyle and he felt himself sink in on himself more. “What else is there?” he asked, voice slightly strained.
"I don't know, but we can put effort into figuring something out." Autumn told him. "If what really helped you wasn't actually someone else there with you, but you having something else to be thinking about, then that's something you could definitely go for. Maybe putting a movie on, or music, or something like that, so you're doing that before you drift off." she suggested for a start.
“My luck I’ll figure it’s having someone there,” Adam said, letting out a sigh. “I can try that though, the music or movie or something. See if it helps.” Though he also doubted he’d be sleeping any time soon.
"Adam, if you automatically go into something thinking it's going to fail, it's going to fail." Autumn told him lightly. "Try a few different things. Tonight, start with a movie, or something. Keep it on low enough that it's not going to wake you up again when you do drift, but not so quiet you can't watch it when you're still awake. Things don't always have to be complicated, hon. Sometimes simplicity does actually work."
“I get that, but I sort of feel like my life is the definition of complicated.” He rolled his eyes at himself and nodded. “Sure. If I sleep, I will give it a try.” Which depended up on him being able to sleep.
"How often do you sleep?" Autumn asked, since that sounded suspiciously like he wasn't positive it was in the cards tonight.
He looked up at Autumn and shrugged. “Every few nights. Not often. And when I do it’s never well,” Adam explained.
"Adam, sleep is important." Autumn told him. "It affects pretty much everything. If you don't get enough of it, it impacts your mood, your coping skills, attention span, your perceptions...honestly, you only sleeping 'every few nights'? That's not good. That could be making all of this harder on you when it really doesn't have to be. Things that otherwise might not be could be all the more overwhelming for you, all because you don't come at anything with a fresh mind. Like, you being upset about things with Wren today? All I really hear is a minor misunderstanding that will probably be just fine if it isn't already. But you're seriously worried about it, spinning your wheels, making it into something much bigger than it is. That sort of thing happens when you're running on fumes. You get more irritable, your patience is shortened...it really, really matters." she stressed. "If you can't sleep, then talk to Cal. See if he can get you something to help you sleep. The world might look like an entirely different place, if you just rested properly."
Adam was quiet for a moment. “It’s more than just not being able to sleep. I can sleep...I dream. Badly. Nightmares. If I sleep deep enough, it’s right into nightmares.” He got up for a moment, pacing a little. “I’ve talked to Cal. We’re...working on things I guess. Honestly though, I’d rather not sleep. It was this...horrible thing in prison. They hated me for it.” He made a face, then stopped pacing. “Things with Wren...or maybe the spinning the wheels thing...I thinks that’s just because there’s so much else going on it’s hard not to see everything as much bigger because there’s so much of it.” And it would be a hell of a lot easier if one of the things as huge and everything else didn’t exist.
"Whether or not you want to sleep doesn't mean you shouldn't. I understand nightmares can be terrible, and I'm glad you're working on them with Cal. But just not sleeping, that's more than saving yourself from nightmares, Adam. That'll have a hard impact on everything else. That'll make your waking life worse. Do you get what I'm saying? You can tell yourself whatever you want, but sleep is necessary. It's a physical imperative, end of story. And not getting enough of it means a lot more than just you feeling a little tired. You might have to start weighing things, and taking a real look, Adam. Burying your head in the sand on this issue isn't going to help. And since it's a major issue, you ignoring this one might mean it's all the harder to make progress in any of the other areas." Autumn told him, sad that she had to. But, with him being dismissive about it? That was a lot of denial. "Sleep deprivation was used as a torture in the past for a reason. The long term effects can be devastating." And she didn't know specifically what those were, or she'd tell him. But she knew it was a real thing. A little snoopy cartoon she'd seen on one of her professor's walls came to mind. Snoopy was all puffed out with big bags under his eyes, and he looked all cranky, mean and strange. The caption had read 'Lack of sleep can change who you are'. She'd never quite forgotten that.
Adam listened to her but he looked pained. He knew it was bad for him. He could feel it. He could see it in his face when he went too long, but he also knew what the nightmares were like and how they weren’t worth it. “They put me in solitary when I woke up the block screaming. They made a habit of dumping me there so that I wouldn’t bother the other inmates,” he told her.
“Sleep is, loaded with bad news for me. I know you’re right. It makes sense because on days when I haven’t slept, I’m a wreck...I’ve already woken up Mazie through the walls, and I pushed Wren when she tried to wake me up...”
"I'm not dismissing that it's hard for you, you've got fears and bad connotations that go along with it, Adam, I'm telling you that just avoiding sleep isn't helping you. On any level." Autumn told him, voice gentle but firm. "Mazie isn't going to care if you wake her up. I know that. And if you're worried about that, maybe you can ask the administration for a new room, or something, maybe with some soundproofing, who knows. Maybe Cal could try hypnotism? I have no idea. And if you pushed Wren when you were asleep in the midst of a nightmare, unless she's a huge asshole, she'll forgive you for it. But seriously, Adam. Not sleeping is not okay, and it really does make everything worse. You want to get better. I know you do. Taking care of this? Or at least trying to? You need to do that."
A new room, far away from everyone else. It felt like the same thing. Put Adam somewhere where he won’t bother anyone. He found something close to a smile, though it was weak, to cover up what he was feeling. Sitting back down on the couch he nodded. “Yeah I can work on it. All of that. Talk to Cal again and maybe move or soundproof the room or something.” It sounded close to believeable and he hoped she went with it. He didn’t want to talk about all the other issues tied up in feeling like he was in the way again.
"If they don't want you to move, or something, or you don't want to, I think soundproofing isn't that hard? I could look into it, anyways." She told him, and she would. It might mean he was in a weird looking room, but if that was a concern he had? Maybe that would at least take care of one anxiety. "I know you don't like this, and you don't want to do this. It's just very important, Adam." she said again, just wanting him to know that she cared, and that meant she wasn't going to up and ignore huge things that were going to heavily influence his ability to get better.
Adam sighed and shook his head. “Me not wanting to do it is an understatement. I guess we’ll see if I’m any better with those right on the surface.” He rubbed his face. “I guess whatever I need to do I can try.”
"You lost me a little. You don't want to move? You don't want to soundproof? You'll see if you're better with what on the surface?" Autumn asked, not wanting to misinterpret anything.
“I don’t want to start sleeping regularly. I don’t want the nightmares to be a nightly thing, to spend every morning shaking them off. Last night I dreamed someone killed Kyle, then it switched back to me killing Kyle. Like the girl I went to jail for killing died.” It hurt, and the pain showed in his face. “I don’t want the dreams that close to the surface.”
"And after your nightmare, you went to sleep and slept well." Autumn pointed out gently. "So, you had to have shaken it off somehow. Got past it." she pointed out. "There's a phone system now on the computers. Can you set up people to call when you have them? Someone who can talk to you for a while, and then you can go back to sleep if you do wake up in the middle of one?"
“A lot of that was Wren,” Adam admitted. “We talked for a while before we went to sleep.” And she’d been near him the entire time, telling him about her family, her history and reminding him of why he felt the need to protect her too. “Maybe I can. I’m guessing Kyle would. Wren probably too. I’d have to ask.” He had a feeling Wren would agree without hesitation, but he’d still feel bad waking her up. At least there were chances that Kyle might still be up, working on something.
"I will too," Autumn told him, just so there was yet another option there. "Cal might, Mazie I'm fairly certain would..." she trailed off. "This could be a proper option for you." She was hopeful with it, either way, and that showed in her tone. "You could just have a few people that you could call and could help talk you through things, or just jabber at you, til you feel a little calmer."
Adam considered it. He wouldn’t feel right bothering Autumn and Mazie, since he guessed they were together more often than not, but Cal was a good option as well. The man had said that he was available when Adam needed him. “Guess that is a start. Something to work with.” And it would kill that sense of feeling so alone that he had after his dreams.
Autumn smiled. "Exactly!" she said brightly, encouraged by his seeming like it would at least be something he would try. "It's worth a shot, right?" she posed. "And if this can get better, then other things might fall into place all the more easily."
Her smiled helped, but he didn’t quite smile back. “I’m not sure if I can get the other things to fall into place that easily. It’s a little too complicated.” Not with the sort of Kyle issue welling up like it was.
"Adam, everything is complicated. Everything will always be complicated. But they don't have to feel complicated, and you don't have to drown yourself in it all either. And again--if you're starting all of this out by shooting yourself in the foot first, then you aren't going to get far." she added. "And honestly, there's so many factors that play in to everything else, that you'd be surprised what lifting pressure off of small things will do for helping out the big things." Autumn watched him. "What else is complicated?"
Everything might be complicated, but it felt like a hell of a lot more complicated now than that normal, sensical type of complicated life was sometimes. This felt like the drowning in it sort of complicated, the maze where there were more wrong turns than right. “Kyle is complicated,” he admitted, voice softer than before.
"Tell me about Kyle." Autumn requested. She'd met the guy, and good goddamn, had he been difficult. He'd been blunt, borderline rude, and generally not easy to talk with. But he also clearly cared about Adam, and that was the important part, in Autumn's opinion. She could deal just fine with everything else. Kyle's interest wasn't in being nice it was in Adam's wellbeing.
“Kyle’s my best friend,” he said first, feeling like that was the first thing that always came to mind. “The best one I’ve ever had, which I know is weird to say, but I didn’t have many before and my last one...I don’t think he was all that great for me.” Which was something he was still getting his head around, but he knew in his gut that Kyle was more than right about a lot of that. “But...yesterday he was...he was talking about how I am attractive. How I’m sexy.” He was blushing at saying it, ducking his head. “Which I think he was just saying to say, to point something out, but then I was really invested in his opinion and...I realized that’s what I want. I want him to look at me that way. I want to...be that to him.”
"That isn't weird to say." Autumn said first. "You know, movies and television sort of paint this picture of everyone having a lot of friends, but that isn't usually the case. In my adult life, I had friends, sure, but I don't even know if I had any that would qualify as a 'best' friend, not by the standards most people think are there." she added.
Listening to the rest of what he said, she smiled. "Well, for the record, you are sexy." she told him. "You're a very well put together man." she continued. "And it's okay to develop feelings for people. What's the complicated part?" she asked. "Just that you want him or you want him to want you? Or...?" she left it open. "Are you having trouble with the sexuality part of it? I know the last person you were with was female, I don't know what your history is there."
“I don’t think I am...” he said shaking his head. “I’m not ugly. I’m just not really...that.” He was fine with how he looked, he just didn’t think of himself as someone that people looked at, though he was feeling like that wasn’t entirely right. And he’d picked out a shirt that fit a little better, even if it was the only one and it was still under a looser button down. At least the button down was open. “That he’s my best friend. And he wouldn’t see me like that. Beyond the objective sort of thing, he’s not going to be interested in me like that. So I have this feeling...this want...and there’s nothing I can do about it.” He looked confused for a moment then shrugged. “I guess I never thought of that part of things. The sexuality thing,” he said biting his lip. “It never...I guess well yeah but...it’s not like I can pretend that what I feel isn’t there. I’m going to try, but...that never crossed my mind.”
"Well, you are. I wouldn't bullshit you. But you've got amazing eyes, a smile that just makes someone want to get closer and snuggle the shit out of you. You've got some height, a good frame, kissable lips...you're a good looking guy." she told him. "You aren't just 'not ugly'." Autumn assured him.
With the rest of it, she was thinking that was sad. "Good, that it didn't cross your mind." she said. "Some people struggle with it. I'm glad you aren't. I never did. I am straight down the middle bisexual." she said. "Have you talked to Kyle about this? Or are you just speculating?"
He felt his cheeks get warm when she said that, smirking a little. “Thanks,” he said and he meant it. He didn’t hear that often though some of it did align with what Kyle had said and while he was still sort of getting used to the idea, it might be sinking in a tiny bit. “I don’t see what there is to struggle with. I don’t like Kyle because he’s a guy or Becka because she was a girl or whatever. Sure it’d be different or whatever, but that’s not what I was invested in.” He ran his hands over his face and shook his head. “Not really. When I figured it out I sort of bailed on him. That it...that that was what was going on in my mind....that was why I freaked out. He’s my best friend. This could ruin that.” He looked at his hands. “What am I going to say. I have a good feeling I know what the answer is. I just have to...get over it.”
"You're invested in the person." Autumn said, perfectly understanding that. That was what it was like for her. She was into people, not gender. Also, it opened Adam up to a whole world of possibilities, so that was probably good. "Having a 'good feeling' about something isn't actually knowing. Open communication is hard. But it's usually the way to go. Especially if you really care about him. Even if he doesn't have feelings for you in return, you could just put it out there, and make it clear that your friendship is important, it comes first."
“I’m glad that makes sense. I was kind of thinking it might not.” Adam kept his eyes downcast, shaking his head more. “And if he doesn’t want to be around me anymore after I tell him? If he...puts me at arm’s length? How is that better. This...wanting feeling in my chest gets worse and I lose my best friend.”
"So pining and suffering in silence, when you haven't even attempted to talk about it is better?" Autumn posed. "If you let your entire life be run by fear and avoidance, Adam, you're going to have a miserable existence." she said, voice very gentle.
He shrugged. “I just figured it out. I’ll get over it. Probably. It’s better than not being friends anymore.” He looked over at her, frowning more. “I wouldn’t know what to say.”
“Do you realize that you’ve been telling me that you’re just going to keep pining, with--your words--’this want’--and you feel like it’s going to get worse, and now you’re just turning on a dime and telling me you’ll get over it?” Autumn asked, because she really didn’t know if he did see that he was pulling a huge one hundred and eighty degree turn.
Adam’s shoulders sunk more when she pointed that out. “Maybe I just want to get over it. It’s easier if I’m over it,” he said then ran his hand over his face before looking at her. “I’m pretty sure it’s going to get worse before I get over it. So yes, I’m pretty sure I’m not making any sense at all.”
“You’re really not.” Autumn told him with a sigh of her own. “And you’re also not listening, and really making silly decisions here, without even taking into account what I’ve had to say. Which is your right, of course, it’s not like I’m mad or anything, but you’re being pretty dramatic, and very stubborn and short sighted here, too. I know you’re going through a lot, and some things suck pretty hard right now. But it kind of seems like today you’re determined to block your own progress.”
He let out a breath, looking at his hands and then looking over at her. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be like that,” he said. “I’m just stuck in this spiral thing.” He moved his finger around in a circle near his head. “Tell me again. I’ll listen for real this time.”
She gave him a smile. "I know, I can tell." Autumn said. "But you do need to quit hobbling yourself. You're your own worst enemy, hon. Wren's having some issues, and you claim blame. You like Kyle and won't even talk to him about it because you're afraid of a 'what if'. You know sleep is important, but you'd rather just not, ignoring the rather widespread consequences of that simple terrible decision. Right now, all I see is you getting in your own way." she explained.
"First, you need to start sleeping regularly. And however that has to happen, to make it better for you or at least get you sleeping better, it needs doing. I'll help any way I possibly can, and we talked about two ways that could possibly help out. Watching something before bed or listening to music, and having people to call when you do wake up from a nightmare, to talk to them for a while before you go back to sleep." she said, ticking that off on her finger.
"Second, you need to stop assuming everything is your fault. You're a good guy, and pretty much everyone here is going to have issues of one description or another. I'm sure Wren's got her own shit she's dealing with too, so don't forget other people are going to have their own fucked up stuff going on. It's not always going to be about you." she said, ticking another finger.
"Third, you need to at least weigh out the pros and cons of talking to Kyle about how you feel. Keeping something in like that, it's not healthy. Not for you or your friendship. So, at least give a shot to working out positives and negatives of talking to him. If you aren't ready to, that's okay too, don't jump into anything you're truly not ready for, but at least start considering it."
He listened to her, nodding through the first two, even if he hated the idea of starting to sleep, he was willing to try. Maybe some of the other ideas would work. Maybe he could find a way to get more than a few hours every three nights. Thinking things weren’t always his fault, that was going to be hard to get used to, but if he could remembered the part about it seeming like he was self-centered, maybe that would help. The last part though, that had him looking pained. Wren had seemed on board with him ignoring it, him just getting over it or getting through it, and now Autumn was saying something else. It was clashing in his mind and left him frowning more. “I’m afraid he won’t want to be around me any more Autumn. Which might be me not being ready to talk about it, but that’s how it feels.”
"After having one conversation with the guy, I would say that he wouldn't bag your friendship, if he isn't interested in return." Autumn said, oh so very confident in that. It was in her tone, her posture, the firm little nod she gave to punctuate the statement. "That guy is very, very invested in your wellbeing. So, if I had to give you my opinion, I'd say it would take one hell of a lot more than that to scare him off."
Adam made another face. “You talked to him?” he asked, completely forgetting she said she would do just that. “I like the idea of that being true. I want it to be.” He was quiet for a moment, not looking at her.
"Yes, I did. And he cares about you a ton." Autumn told him truthfully. "It is true. Just so you know. So, if that's the only reason you're not talking to him, that might be something to re-think. If it's that you aren't ready, then okay. I just don't think it's healthy to have a huge elephant in the room between people, especially if that someone is meant to be your best friend."
Just hearing that Kyle cared about him, even if Wren had said something similar as well, left an instant of warmth in his chest, something he was unconsciously rubbing at when he glanced up at her. “I think a big part of it isn’t being ready,” he told her. “And not knowing what to say when I do.”
"Then wait until you do feel ready. Though, with not knowing what to say--no one really does. Just speak from the heart when you are ready. Being really smooth is for people with writers. We don't have that luxury. We've got to do this stuff on our own. But I'm sure you'll be okay." Autumn said, confident in that.
“Maybe I need to find a writer to at least get me started,” he said looking towards the ceiling. Maybe he’d just write it down. Once he figured out what exactly it was. “I’m sure I’ll stumble my way through it.”
"Everybody does at some point in their life." Autumn said with an affectionate smile. "Don't overthink it. For now, just work on the stuff you can. You can come back to the Kyle thing. But above all, put in the effort to get more sleep. I swear to you, the world will feel differently when you aren't constantly severely sleep deprived."
He sighed a little then nodded. “I hope that’s true. I want that. To be less of a mess.” Adam quirked half a smile at her, but it was the best he could do.
“We’ll work on it.” Autumn said, returning the expression. “Just give it a chance.”
He wanted to bottle her enthusiasm and drink it down so maybe he could feel some of it. Instead he just felt buried under that weight of realizing there was so much ahead of him that needed to be fixed before he could even consider himself functioning. “I will,” he said finally.
"Good." Autumn said. "Is there anything else you want to bring up?" she asked. "You've got my undivided attention."
For a moment Adam considered it and instantly his thoughts went to Becka. He hadn’t even realized that that might be concerning him, but there it was. “What happened during the blackout...what Cal posted about? I know what happened and I...”
Autumn was aware, the idea of a rapist among them was freaky and yet unsurprising. "And you...?" she prompted, letting him have the space to fill things in himself.
“I know what happened. Who it happened to and...I wish I’d done something different. If it could have been different.” It was something that had come to mind when he hadn’t been able to sleep, that he could have gone to get her that night. When Wren had invited him to get his friends to stay in the spiritual room, he could have thought of her. Things could have been better between them. “And I know what she’s going through. And it’s really, really not fair.”
"That sort of thing never is." Autumn said gently. "And neither is being on yourself about doing things different. No one's psychic. So, sure. Maybe you could have done something different. Maybe other people could have too. But no one could have actually known it was going to happen. It's unfair that it did--don't make it unfair for you too." she advised, hearing that self accusatory note in his voice.
"I know I couldn't have known, but if I'd done something differently. If I'd been with her..." Maybe he and Becka would have had a night like Mazie and Autumn and not this nightmare that Becka was in.
"Then maybe you could have been hurt too. Maybe it would have been all the worse--you don't know, Adam. And playing 'what if' is never, ever going to help. And it isn't your fault. It's whoever did that to her's fault. Don't claim blame for things like that--remember about things not falling all on you. The world is a terrible place sometimes. And that isn't your fault." Autumn told him, gentle but firmly again. The last thing Adam needed was to be wandering around blaming himself for something that wasn't even remotely his fault.
He knew she was right, but he was having a hard time shaking that feeling of guilt, like he could have done something. “The ‘what if’s keep banging around in my head.” He sighed a little, feeling bad about the whole thing both for blaming himself and for not being able to do something about it.
"I'm sure they do." she said. "But try not to let them get the best of you. It's tragic, yes. But it isn't your fault. If you have to keep telling yourself that, then you should."
“I guess I’m going to have to tell myself that,” Adam said with a sigh before looking up at her. “I just wish I could do something for her, but I know there’s not much I can do.”
"Be there. And because you've been through this, let her know that. Help her in any way she needs, and even if that's just letting her know you're there if she does need something, then do that. Everyone deals with this sort of thing differently. Just be willing to bend to what it is she might need." Autumn advised. "Which I know, doesn't sound that helpful. But it's something."
Adam nodded and looked down at his hands again. “That’s what I’ve been trying to do. I don’t know how much she wants me around, given...well it’s complicated, but I hope she’s okay with me being around. But I’m doing that. Being there for her as best I can.”
"Well then you're doing your job well." Autumn told him, a note of warmth in her voice. "I know it's hard, though. Sometimes it's hardest when there's nothing you can really actively do."
He found himself nodding again, glancing at her as well. That felt good, hearing that he was doing something right even if it didn’t feel like much. “I guess I’ll keep doing what I’m doing then.”
"It's all anyone can expect." Autumn told him. "Anything else you need to talk about?" she asked. "Anything else you want to get off your chest, or anything?"
Adam had another thing come to mind but he didn’t know if he could talk to her about it. It wasn’t about him, it was about her. There was a pause where he didn’t make eye contact, trying to come up with a good way to say it. “Mazie was really upset...” he wound up saying, glancing up at Autumn.
"I know she is." Autumn said. "Are you talking about things with me? Or is this a concern about you?" she asked.
He shook his head a little. “No with you. I know it’s not really my business....but I wanted you to know in case she didn’t do a good job of telling you. Or showing you. You know how she is.”
"With me, she seems to do a pretty good job of expressing herself." Autumn said. "Adam, people get upset sometimes. It happens. No one is ever going to have some perfect relationship where you never hit any bumps, and no one ever gets bent out of shape about something. It's how you deal with the conflict that defines your relationship and how it's going to go. And bending over backwards or swallowing your own upset isn't acceptable either. Anyone who sacrifices their own welbeing for their significant other's peace of mind isn't in a healthy relationship to start with, and it'll just lead to worse things down the road. I'm entitled to my time, if that's what I need to help cope with things. If Mazie can't handle that, then she'll need to find a partner that doesn't occasionally need even a tiny bit of space. But she hasn't said anything of the kind to me. As far as I know, we're both upset, but she's giving me my time to process, and I'll be talking to her tonight either way. I appreciate your concern, but these things happen. And they aren't the end of the world unless you make them the end of the world. I'm not making it the end of the world. I certainly hope she isn't. It's part of being in an adult relationship. There's give and take and sometimes, people need a minute. She isn't the only one in the relationship and isn't the only one hurting, either. You're a good friend, for wanting to watch out for her. But someone needs to watch out for me too. Right now, I'm looking out for me. And us, in the long run."
Adam nodded slowly. "I know what you mean, what you're saying. And I'm glad she's better at expressing herself with you though I think part of it is her not wanting to tell me too much about you two. But she did tell me part of what you two fought about, about what she's trying to do and I agree with you. It's a bad idea." He paused for a moment thinking about what to say next. "I know people need time and space. And I don't think she thinks it's the end of the world, but I know she's anxious. I told her not to be, because I get needing space, and I get how important it is that the other person understand. That's part of what went wrong with Becka and I. You should look out for you and I can do that too. I'm just...I guess I just want to ask you not to give up on her if you can. She cares a lot about you. And you make her happy. I know it's not really my business either, but I like you two together. So maybe I'm trying to help if I can."
"Oh, I wasn't planning on giving up on her." Autumn said with confidence. "That was never on the table at all." she assured him. Because yeah, that was not at all in her mind. At no point was she really thinking about breaking things off with Mazie. She smiled at him. "She's my girl. Besides, it takes more than that to put me off." She sighed. "I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's a bad idea." she admitted softly. "But...oh well, I suppose. I think Mazie is going to do whatever she's going to do."
Adam let out a sigh of relief. “Good. Because I was a little worried.” Which was mostly because Mazie was worried. “You aren’t. It makes me nervous for her. She hesitated a little more though, when I told her I didn’t agree either. Though you might be right, we might have just delayed the inevitable.”
"In all honesty I think that's the best to hope for. Neither one of us is going to change her nature, and what she was talking about doing is her 'thing'. So..." she trailed off, sighing. "So, we just hope it doesn't explode in her face."
“And we’re there in case it does,” Adam added with a sigh. He worried about Mazie more than he mentioned, but it was there, lurking in the back of his mind, almost always.
"Exactly." Autumn said. She gave Adam a small smile, hoping that it didn't come to that, but still. "Any other concerns, hon?"
There was another pause while Adam tumbled through the thoughts in his head, but they were all the same, if things were okay with Wren, what to do about Kyle, worrying about Becka. Anything beyond that was the slew of other issues that he carried around every day. “Nothing else no,” he said shaking his head.
"Okay." She said. "Remember, I'm here whenever. Just call or come by, if you need anything." she stressed, wanting him to know she was definitely there. All the time.
Adam nodded, smiling slightly. “I know. And...you said someone needs to watch out for you...if you need help with that, let me know okay? I want to help, be there for you too.” Even if this wasn’t quite a friend thing, it was close to it right? Maybe it would work the same way. Plus, Adam was finding it was a hell of a lot easier to take care of others than himself. He got up from the couch, not hurrying towards the door, but starting the process.
"I'll let you know, sweetie." Autumn said. "Have a good rest of the day, kay? Talk to you soon."