Rebekah MacKenzie (beckathesweet) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2013-02-27 20:23:00 |
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Entry tags: | carmel, carmel and rebekah, day twelve, rebekah |
Knowing Without Confirmation
Characters: Carmel and Becka
Setting: Kitchen, early morning
Sleep had not been a welcome friend the night before. How could it have been after Jae's very necessary interview? Becka hadn't looked forward to it, not in the least, but it had been necessary, and finding out who'd done this to her was the most important thing to her right now. The problem was that while she had never considered herself to be a vivid dreamer, her subconscious seemed to be particularly active now. It was like her attacker had lit a fire in her brain that nothing could put out, and she was left feeling like all she could do was pray that once everything smoldered down to ashes, something would be left to build herself back up with.
Her nightmares had twisted and morphed into something she could hardly stomach, faces being put to her previously faceless monster. Leandro, then Kyle, even Adam. At least with Kyle, she knew without a doubt that it wasn't him, that he'd been on the other block with Grace, but how confident could she really be that it wasn't Leandro or Adam? As sick as it made her feel to consider it, how couldn't she? Who was she supposed to trust in here? The Chinese mobster who'd ruled his empire through fear and torture, according to his long conviction list? That seemed foolish in hindsight, but she knew that a part of her still did very much trust Wu.
How much longer could she stay here, though? How much longer could she put her trust in these people, in other convicted criminals? Becka had always thought that she was better than that, than just looking at others by their convictions, but ever since the blackout she couldn't help but focus on the convictions. Who was lying? Whoever had done this to her had to have done it before, but unsurprisingly no one had owned up to being convicted of rape. Of course, a lot of people hadn't said what they were convicted of at all. Having never been a paranoid person before, she just didn't know how to cope with the thoughts and questions rolling through her mind.
It was still early enough that Becka had hope that there wouldn't be too many people about. She needed to eat, even if she didn't particularly want to. She felt sick and exhausted, but she put some of her returned concealer over the circles under her eyes, blending it out to the rest of her face and hoping that it would be good enough. Although it was already starting to get a little warm, she still wore jeans and a long sleeved shirt, though the material was thin enough to not be uncomfortable. She ran a brush through her hair, but left it down, and then slid a pair of sandals on her feet before slipping out of her room, relieved when it didn’t seem anyone was around to spot her. She hurried down the stairs and then cut across the courtyard, heading for the kitchen.
Carmel initially didn't want to pry herself out of her nice, warm bed. She'd been more than willing to roll out of it to make breakfast for Wu, but when he'd woken her before he left, he said she didn't need to. She'd stayed awake long enough to give him a very thorough kiss before he left. When he was gone, though, she'd rolled over and nuzzled deeply into the pillow he'd been using and miraculously gone back to sleep. For once, she'd actually slept all right; she'd only woken with a jolt once, and she didn't think he'd realized it.
Once she was awake, the worries started to try to worm their way in, and so she distracted herself on the computer with that ridiculous test and PMing back and forth for a few minutes, being silly. She didn't care of the admins saw her silly, sentimental little private post; it was what she wanted right now. She wanted to have Wu for awhile, as long as she could. Call her a sentimental fool, but she didn't like to share and she liked having someone she cared about with her if they wanted to be.
Problem was, she didn't know what he wanted or expected. Last night she'd been content to rest in the moment. Now, she wondered what he might want with her. She'd pursue him, she knew she would... but what response to expect, she didn't know. Carmel sighed, putting on clothes after a leisurely shower, stretching and warming with the memory of her body under his. She wouldn't mind more of that, either, she thought with a faintly naughty smile that settled into a more gentle grin as she finally slipped out of her room. It was still early, despite more sleep--it was simply that she'd managed more sleep that made it feel later. She padded to the kitchen, hair still in a damp disarray, to assess what new things there were and plan for what she wanted to make for the day.
There was a tiny bit of luck to be had, Becka supposed, when she made it to the empty kitchen without running into anyone. Apparently it was early enough that no one else was up and about yet, and she was grateful for that. She just wanted to grab something to eat and get back up to her room, maybe taking a few extra snacks with her. Maybe she would see about making a quick fruit salad. Or not. That probably wouldn’t be so quick, but it did sound good.
Once in the kitchen, she went straight to the coffee pot, getting a pot going before grabbing the bread from the pantry. Fruit did sound good, but Becka thought it would probably be for the best if she tried soothing her stomach with some toast before attempting eating anything sweet. She was just pouring herself a cup of coffee, waiting on her toast to pop when Carmel came in, though her back was turned to the entryway so she wasn’t actually aware of the other woman’s arrival.
Carmel nudged open the door with her hip, making an unerring line for the coffee. She noticed Becka right away, of course, and she smiled; it would be good to visit with the other woman again, it had been awhile. Some days she swore she needed to make a list in this place of who she should keep up with and how long it had been. Time seemed to pass in a surreal fashion in this place.
"Good morning, Becka," she said, reaching up into the cabinet for the mug she'd designated as 'hers,' as it was the one she'd scored every morning since they arrived here. She was as chipper as normal, which didn't usually inspire a lust of people around her to kill her, but rather was pleasant and sincere. She felt especially good this morning, though. She glanced over at Becka and frowned faintly; something off just radiated off the other woman. "You okay? You seem a little off," she said, hoping her vibes were just off and something wasn't wrong.
The toast popped out of the toaster at the same time Carmel’s voice sounded, and Becka jumped visibly, glad that at least she’d already put the coffee back down. God, she needed to pay more attention, especially here, especially when she was alone like she’d been. What if it hadn’t been someone friendly? Her hand wasn’t quite steady as it pulled her toast out and plated it. “G’morning,” she replied, willing her heart to calm again.
Yes, Carmel was friendly, but that didn’t mean she particularly wanted to be around the woman right now. Becka felt guilty about that, but she knew she had this irrational fear of talking to Carmel now because she felt like a coward, because she’d done nothing and Carmel had done everything even to the point of going to prison. What would the brave woman think of her? She didn’t want to find out, even if she was projecting her own shame and insecurities. “Oh! Umm, I’m fine,” she lied as she glanced at Carmel, trying for a smile that fell far short.
Carmel blinked. She hadn't meant to startle the other woman, though perhaps she walked too quietly in general. She wasn't someone who had ever liked to make a lot of noise, perhaps from living in an apartment where your downstairs neighbors got highly perturbed if you walked too loudly. Her eyebrows raised higher as Becka lied to her, because it was obvious the other woman was tired and not feeling well, at the least. She knew from experience what a cover up job looked like. "Are you sure?" she said gently. "You look a little more tired than usual."
Clearly Becka hadn’t become any better a liar in the days since her attack, and she grimaced briefly at the gentle rebuttal. “I am tired,” she confirmed, willing to give Carmel that much at least. “I haven’t been sleeping well.” And she doubted she would start anytime soon, at least not while she was still here. She just really hoped that Carmel would leave it at that, because the last thing she wanted to do was talk about everything with her. Not when she was so afraid that Carmel would only confirm that she’d been weak and a coward. Which she knew wasn’t fair, that it was just her own insecurities, but knowing that didn’t mean she was able to stop it.
"Something the matter?" Carmel asked with obvious concern as she poured herself a cup of coffee, sipping at it gratefully as the warmth and caffeine started to seep into her system. She wondered if something were going on, since there did seem to be a lot of activity she didn't know about going on. Or it could be her crush, Adam, Carmel mused; she knew Becka had had it bad for him the last time they'd talked.
Why, why couldn’t Carmel just leave it be? Becka’s expression turned just a little pained, and she turned her attention to buttering her toast to try to hide it. She didn’t even know how to answer the question. If she lied, it would be obvious, but she couldn’t bare the thought of going into the truth of just what was the matter. “Yeah,” she finally answered softly, not looking back at Carmel. It was the truth, spoken so simply but with an edge that made it clear she didn’t particularly want to talk about it.
Her frown deepened as Becka pretty much shut her out. Her feelings gave a little pang, because she had been nothing but nice to the younger woman. She hoped she hadn't offended without knowing about it. "I'm sorry, then. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," she said kindly, for it was hugely obvious Becka didn't want to, and besides, she wasn't the sort to antagonize over things. "You want me to make you up some eggs to go with that toast? Or I could do up Bacon, hashbrowns, sausage, whatever."
There was no way to avoid the guilt she felt, even if Carmel’s words were said kindly. Becka knew she was being rude, and it was difficult for her to not just open up about everything. She was generally honest to a fault, but this just wasn’t something she wanted to be honest and straightforward about. “No, I... I’m sorry,” she said hurriedly, flinching a bit. “I don’t really want to talk about it. I’ve had to talk about it too much already.” As she spoke, her voice got smaller, almost as if she was trailing off, but Carmel was close enough that she was probably still able to hear her. She pulled a face at the thought of a complete breakfast, shaking her head. “No, thanks. I think toast is about all my stomach can handle right now,” she admitted, glancing sideways at her.
Carmel's face was sympathetic. She knew about feeling bad, and not wanting to talk. She had to admit to a large measure of curiosity, but she wouldn't pry where she wasn't wanted. She did lean over and hugged her gently with one arm. "That's all right," she said quietly, going back to puttering around the kitchen with quiet efficiency as she dithered over what to have for her own breakfast. "If you do want to talk about anything, ever, though, you know you can come to me." No judgments or anything, that was her motto. "All righty. I think there's some ginger ale squirreled away if you need help settling your stomach, though."
Because Becka wasn’t looking at Carmel, she wasn’t anticipating the contact, and she tensed automatically as the arm gently hugged her. Wincing even as she jerked away from the contact, she looked at Carmel with an apologetic expression. She wanted to apologize, but her vocal chords seemed frozen, and she finally just shook her head, averting her eyes shamefully. She hated being like this, hated that she couldn’t help it, and she really hated the way her eyes filled with tears that she was so very tired of. “I know,” she whispered with a slight nod, blinking back the tears. And she did know that she could go to Carmel, but it didn’t change the fact that she didn’t think she could handle going to her about this. Pulling a face, she shook her head at the mention of ginger ale. “No, that’s okay,” she said, thinking that it wouldn’t really do much for her stomach considering why it was so upset.
Carmel's concern grew every moment that she regarded Becka. Something major had happened, and considering the lack of bandages evident, she had her suspicions, but she wouldn't voice them. "Any time of day or night, if you need me, you can come get me," she told her firmly but gently. She would play guard if Becka needed her to. She went to another cabinet and dug through to her stash of chocolate chips and went over to set the bag in front of Becka. "Nibble on those when you can. It'll at least keep your blood sugar up." And one or two or a handful would be easier to keep down, plus.. well, chocolate always helped.
Oh God, she knew. She had to know, with the firm way she’d just said that, like she was making it clear that she knew but wouldn’t pry. Becka could appreciate that even if she was horrified at the thought of Carmel having figured out just what was wrong. “Okay,” she managed to whisper with a small nod. When Carmel set the chocolate chips down in front of her, she gave her a watery smile, at great risk of losing the battle with her tears. Overcome with emotions, she turned and wrapped her arms around Carmel in a fierce but quick hug. “Thank you,” she whispered with a sniffle, pulling back to turn her attention to the chocolate as a way to distract herself.
Carmel hugged her back tightly for the moment that Becka held onto her, not sure how else to show that she cared other than what she already had. "You're welcome, Becka," she said softly, though she hadn't done anything she thought she needed thanks for. "If there's anything I can do, please do tell me." She would make sure to check in on the younger woman more often, and maybe at some point Becka would feel like she could talk to her about whatever it was that had happened.
Becka felt like a complete and utter mess, like nothing quite made sense anymore and she was just hanging on by a thread. It was just something she was going to have to get through, there really was no other option for her. She wouldn’t let herself completely fall apart, no matter how close she felt she was to doing just that. “I will,” she assured her. “But I think right now I’m just going to grab a few things and my toast and go back to my room.” Snacks to get her through the day and such. She really wanted to leave her room as little as possible.
Carmel gave her a warm smile. "Sounds good. I'll set you aside some dinner in the fridge tonight, if you want," she offered, thinking maybe she'd go deliver it to Becka's room. She needn't talk to her until she was ready to do so, but she could make sure the other woman had some good food to eat. It might be of some comfort to her, and save her the hassle of having to make it for herself. "Come hang out in the kitchen again sometime, I'll show you how to make something else." It was a gentle invite, with no pressure attached.
“Oh, thanks,” Becka replied with a small smile, appreciating that. Maybe if she could hold off long enough, she could sneak down to eat it and not have to worry about being around many people. It wasn’t really a pleasant thought as it went against all her natural instincts, but it was just the way she felt she had to do things while she was still here. At the invitation, she bit her lip and considered it for a moment before nodding her head. “Yeah, sure,” she said, though she couldn’t be sure she would actually do it. “I’ll see you later,” she added, picking up her toast and the chocolate chips and moving to grab a few other things to take up to her room with her.