Adam Samuels (adamsammy) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2013-02-11 22:29:00 |
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Entry tags: | adam, adam and wren, day twelve, wren |
Fighting Off the Demons
Characters: Adam and Wren
Setting: Adam’s room, middle of the night
The dreamscape wasn’t new. It was a place he’d been before, something that looked like a distorted version of the house he’d been living in with Jeffrey, with walls that didn’t quite go the way they should.
And it started with him yelling.
Begging.
The scene flashed, at one point his hands, another point someone else, a dark figure, squeezing a throat. Watching red marks well up under fingers, shaking the fragile creature it was, he was, killing. Shaking the last of the life away.
It was usually Ella, that blonde hair that had hung in her eyes when she’d been over him, matted with blood, with something else. This time though, it wasn’t her. It was Kyle.
Blue eyes shifted in and out of life and Adam went from watching his friend die to his hands tight around his neck.
The noises he made in the real world started as whimpers while he started to shift, tossing in his bed, twisting the sheets around his legs. As the scene became clearer, the noises got louder. Sounds of struggle as Adam fought the dark figure, trying to free Kyle and pained noises as his hands took over.
“Stop! Stop it!” The words were shouted, paired with something more like flailing and frantic breathing.
As the light left Kyle’s eyes, Adam started to scream. In his dream it was words, but outside of it, in his room, it was just noise.
Wren hadn't been sleeping long. She'd been lying awake for quite a long while, mind spinning on everything. She'd eventually drifted, though it didn't take much to wake her. The whimpers at first sort of just barely scratched the surface of her slumber, though when he got to shouting, she was sitting bolt upright on the couch.
When he got to a scream, she was standing at the side of his bed, frozen in a momentary terror. Then she reached out to grab Adam's arm, shaking him. "Adam!" she called, hoping this was the right thing to do. She had no idea. All she did know was he was making terrible sounds and he needed to not be doing that. He needed to not be trapped inside some nightmare.
Wren’s hand on his arm forcibly yanked him from his dream, which had him fighting her, trying to get back to the dead version of Kyle, screaming more until he finally opened his eyes. He was still fighting, pushing against her, struggling to get away, blinking and not able to stop himself. “No! Stop!” It wasn’t until the dream faded that he was left panting, trying to get his bearings.
“Adam!” she cried as she stumbled back. Adam was a strong guy when fighting dream people, apparently, and it wasn’t as if Wren was built of very stern stuff. Either way, he pushed, and she stumbled backwards, falling down to the floor as she stared up at the bed. “I’m sorry--sorry---Adam?”
He got himself together seconds after she fell, realizing belatedly that it wasn’t his dream, but Wren. He swung around her way to find her on the floor, panic rising in him, already so close to the surface with his dream. “Wren?” His voice was strained, weak from his heavy breathing, but there, and very much himself.
"Are you okay?" she asked, pushing herself up a little to look up at him, concern radiating from her whole being. "You were screaming. Is everything--can I do something? Are you okay?" she repeated, not sure how to really deal with the situation, all she knew is she wanted to make it better.
Adam tried to sit up himself, still twisted in his sheets and having to half-tug himself out of them. “I’m...It was a nightmare. A bad one. I’m sorry...why are you on the floor?”
Reaching up to get her hair out of her face, she sat up straighter. She also reached out to kind of half help him with the twisted sheets, but was careful not to touch him. "You were...nevermind. I'm fine." she promised, pushing herself to her feet as if to prove just how okay she was. "Is there anything I can do?" she asked, worrying her hands together as she looked at him.
“I was...oh god,” Adam said, finally untangling himself and pulling his knees towards his chest. They didn’t quite reach, not with as lanky as he was, but it gave him somewhere to rest his elbows as he hung his head. “Did I...?” he trailed off on the question not asking the important part because the right words weren’t coming to him. Looking up at her, though bashfully, he shook his head. “Not really,” he said patting the space on the bed next to him even if he ducked his head again to he could get his breathing under control.
She sat down where he patted, sitting facing him, one leg curled beneath her as she watched him. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, sounding unsure of herself, because she was. It wasn't a feeling she was liking. Most of the time, she was pretty confident. He'd seen her when she wasn't, of course, but still. She wanted to be able to help this, and wasn't sure what the right steps were to do that.
Wren not answering his question probably was a sign as for what he’d done and Adam hated himself for it. “There’s not much to say,” he told her, finally looking up, pain in his eyes and features. “Just a nightmare, only this time it was about Kyle and not Ella.”
Giving him a sympathetic look, she drew in a breath and let it out slowly. "You know everything is going to be okay there, right?" she asked softly. "I know it will be." she added, reaching out hesitantly, an offer of her hand. That seemed to be their default connection, hand holding. And he looked like he could use that at the moment.
Adam watched her hand for a long moment before taking it. It wasn’t that he didn’t want it, he just wasn’t sure how he was feeling about it. “I know it will. It’s just...in my head.” He pressed the palm of his free hand to his forehead, trying to ignore the sensation that everything was wrong.
Wren clasped Adam's hand between both of hers, watching him. He was giving off all the signs of anxiety, worry. "It's hard to shut that off." she said lightly. "After everything happened at the commune, I couldn't shut my eyes without sort of...being back there." she shared. "Is there anything I can do to help? Either get your mind off of things, or...?"
“Is that what you were dreaming about?” Adam asked, holding on to her hands, fighting through the twitch at it. Distantly he wondered if he’d have the dreams if he had shared the bed with her, or if he’d just flail more. “I’m sure you can come up with a way to distract me.”
"I don't know." Wren said honestly. "I don't remember. I wasn't really talking about dreaming, though. I meant it more literally. That I would close my eyes, and...I'd just be there. Sometimes there are still cues?" she added. "Like, being on the farm, there are certain scents there that sort of remind me of it all. Or a sound quality, like in the tool sheds. Who knows. Maybe it's even why I hate the tunnel." she added, shrugging one shoulder. "I'm at your disposal for distraction. What would you like to do?" she asked, fully willing to do whatever it took.
“I didn’t know you hated the tunnel,” he said, feeling bad about that. “You’re just there? That’s got to be weird. At least mine is only when I’m asleep.” He thought about it, then shifted closer. “Tell me something I don’t know about you.” Then at least they could talk about her and he wouldn’t have to get stuck in his own head.
"I do hate the tunnel. It...I don't know. Scares me. It's a stupid reaction, I know. It's irrational. But so far it hasn't gotten better. Every time I go through there, I run unless I have to do laundry." she explained. Then she paused, considering that. Something he didn't know about her. "I only have one very clear memory of life outside the commune. Another is fuzzy, I remember seeing a play. The Wizard of Oz, but it's extremely distant. But in the clear one, I don't know where we were. I just remember lying down in the back seat of a car. There was the loud thrum of the engine, and it smelled like smoke in there. I remember it was dark. And my mother got out of the vehicle. She went toward some bright building, I think it was a fuel station? But I can't be positive. There were other cars there. I remember hearing a train. So, perhaps I'm wrong and it was a train station. I don't know where we were going, I just remember we'd been traveling for a long time, that I was tired, and hadn't slept in a bed for a long time."
“It’s not a stupid reaction. That’s just what it is. You can’t always help those sort of things,” Adam corrected shaking his head. As she told her story he shifted a little closer. “You...lived in your car?” That was sad, so sad. The thought of a tiny Wren sleeping in the back seat of the car without a bed to sleep in broke his heart.
She hadn't thought about it that way, and blinked in surprise. "I suppose we did." she said, realizing that that was very likely true. She'd merely never put it together like that. "I don't remember a home that wasn't the commune." She shifted slightly as well, getting more comfortable with him there. "The first home I remember at all was there. There were small houses on the property. Some larger ones that housed many people or families. When we first arrived, I shared with other children, though it wasn't long after that Brian dubbed me the Prophet, and I got my own space at that point."
Adam dared to pull her a little closer, giving her space more against him if she wanted it. “What happened to your mother? You didn’t live with her?” That sounded worse, being pulled away from a parent. He of all people knew how that felt.
If he was going to pull her closer, then she was going to go with that. She knew the contact thing was difficult for him, and knew things needed to be on his terms. So, she was obliged to go with his terms. Including this. It didn't hurt that it was actually more comfortable. "She was still there at the commune." Wren said. "But I wasn't really 'her' daughter after a while. I belonged to the Order. I was there for them, the Prophet. So, she was around, just not really in the traditional sense."
He leaned in against her, supporting her weight and slipping the arm of the hand she wasn’t holding around her shoulders. “Did you miss her? I know you belonged to everyone else, but...who took care of you if you got sick?”
"I didn't get sick very often, and usually it was sort of everyone." Wren explained. "As for whether or not I miss her...not any more than anyone else there. She was my mother, but we didn't really have the kind of relationship that most people would consider normal. She basically, if we want to be blunt, joined a cult and handed over her daughter to the leader to do whatever with."
He squeezed her shoulder lightly and nodded. "I got sick a lot. That was after my parents died though. I guess it's the same, all the nurses at the hospital, like a family being there for you." He was quiet for a moment then shook his head. "I'm surprised you don't hate her."
A flicker of a frown passed over her features again. "Why were you sick? The diabetes?" she asked, not entirely certain what that might entail for a child with it. "I'm glad the nurses and hospital staff were there for you." she added. She shifted a little again, settling against him more comfortably. "I don't know that I hate anyone." she said, tone thoughtful. "Should I hate her?" she asked, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye.
When she shifted Adam guided her more to lean against his chest. "Yeah that was most of it. It took a while to get used to. My grandmother was there too but it wasn't fun." He smiled slightly and shook his head. "No. You'd have reason to but if you don't, don't start. It'll just eat you up inside. And I think that's the last thing you need."
Wren shifted again, then sat up, crawled over to prop his pillow up against the headboard, and she leaned against that, reaching her hands out toward him, inviting him back in close. At least they could be comfortable. "Tell me about her." she requested, hoping he'd do so. She did want to know more about him. And possibly the less terrible stuff. "As for hate, I'm not sure I'm any more capable of that than I am love. I'm still just so...hazy on that whole thing."
He didn’t want her to leave his side, but once she was settled back against the pillow he smiled. There was that inevitable hesitation and then he was crawling towards her, back against the headboard, right next to her. "She was great. Always there when I needed her, parent enough to make up for two. She worried about me a lot so she stayed involved, just to make sure I wasn't completely cut off."
He turned his head to look at her. "I think you're capable of love Wren. I can feel it."
She listened, smiling as he described the woman. It sounded nice. Someone who had his best interests at heart. That sounded nice in general. She imagined her mother thought she had her heart in the right place. It was probably why she didn't resent her, or at least not strongly enough to feel it on the surface. "She sounds really lovely." she said lightly, shifting to get comfortable with him again. "Perhaps I misspoke. Maybe what I really mean is the capability to be in love." she amended. "I suppose I know I can love people. I think it's more abstract for me than it should be, but still. But in love?" she shrugged.
“She was,” Adam said, not consciously realizing he was referring to a woman who was still alive in the past tense. He slipped his arm around Wren’s shoulders again and shook his head. “I don’t know. I think maybe you still could. It’s just a step beyond loving people right? That’s how it’s always seemed to me.”
Falling silent, she rested her head against his shoulder, staring into a middle distance toward the ceiling. Absently, she twisted and released a lock of her hair. "I suppose?" she suggested, sounding unsure. "What were things like between you and Becka?" she asked, curious. Though after she said it, she realized it might be inappropriate. "You don't have to answer that if you don't want to."
Adam was watching her hand in her hair, not really thinking about much of anything beyond her fingers and wondering if that was soothing until she asked about Becka. He was quiet for a moment, thinking about the question before he shrugged. “I guess kind of like this. Only more...awkward sometimes. And at one point rather heated...”
Quirking a little half smile for a moment, she glanced toward him. "Heated?" she asked. "You definitely don't have to clarify that." she added. "So like this but different?"
“I’m glad because that would have been weird. But not..that heated. Not like..she is..was. Shit.” Adam frowned for a moment, looking away for a moment. “Yeah different. But not all that different. I mean...I do better with being close to you than I ever did with Becka.”
Wren watched him looking away, and after a long moment averted her own eyes to make him feel more comfortable. "What's different with me?" she asked. "Is it because I understand touch needs to be initiated by you? Because I'm very very careful with that. I always make sure it's on your terms. Well, except for when I woke you, but that was a special circumstance."
Adam looked back at her when she explained herself, mouth open slightly. “You...you actually do that?” he asked, not having really thought of it one way or another.
She blinked in return. "Of course." she said. "I...when I hugged you the once, you were really tense, it was the wrong thing to do. But later, as we've gotten to know each other better, it seems like touching is okay, just so long as you're the one who initiates it. So, I make sure you do. Or, if I feel like it should be present, I sort of make myself available, just in case you want to take me up on it."
“I don’t...don’t think I realized you were doing that,” Adam said shaking his head surprised. “I appreciate I guess, but I didn’t even think about it.” But it had made things easier between them even if he hadn’t fully realized it. “I don’t think it was that, about Becka. I just got the sensation I wasn’t ever doing what she wanted.”
"You weren't supposed to." Wren said. "You not thinking about it means it worked just fine. It meant you weren't uncomfortable." she pointed out. She pondered over his statement about Becka. "That's a shame. I know she's a good person. But I suppose sometimes people aren't on the same page."
“I’m not,” he said, squeezing her shoulders a little more. “I’m really comfortable really.” Adam leaned into her a little bit more. “She is a good person,” he said, voice a little more distant than before. “I guess we weren’t. I liked her enough. I liked that she liked me.”
Wren smiled, tilting her head against his shoulder to glance back at him, liking that they were comfortable. She was too. She had no desire to move, at any rate. "You liked her enough?" she asked, wondering how that worked, exactly. What it meant. Was he just with her because she'd liked him? Was it experimental? She had no clue, and was curious.
“I wasn’t stupid enough to say no to her,” Adam said shrugging. “I liked her, she’s adorable and I didn’t think about it more than that.” Which might not have been the best route to go down, but it wasn’t like he wasn’t having a good time the entire time.
Nodding, she accepted that answer. "I hope sometime you find someone that you really want to be with, and who wants to be with you. Not just someone that you weren't going to say no to." she told him sincerely. She wanted him to find happiness. Though that just reminded her of doing Kyle's dirty work in redirecting Adam, and that had her curling in on herself a little bit. It was slight, but her back turned ever so slightly more towards him, even if it put her more snugly against his side.
“Well we know how well that’s working out for me,” Adam said softly, lower than before and slightly sadder. Because there he was, thinking about how he was sure things were going oh so great with Kyle. When she curled closer, he held on to her tighter, resting his cheek against her head.
And there was that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach again. Where she felt awful. She felt like she'd done something very wrong, and it was unfamiliar for her. Unpleasant. She didn't like it in the slightest. "That doesn't mean it'll always go that way." she told him, voice light. "I don't think you'll end up alone forever. And if you want me to ask my cards, I can." she added, not sure if that would help or not, but she would do it. Anything to help alleviate that crushing disappointment feeling. His holding onto her tighter only made her feel like she needed to make it up to him more.
He shook his head slowly, still against hers. “You think they’d actually say one way or the other?” he asked her, not sure he believed it and his voice sounding like it. “I doubt I’ll be alone, alone, but not like that. And I’m not sure I want to know. What if they do say I’ll be alone?”
Wren was quiet after that, seeming to feel that last question echo in her own mind. She didn't read cards for herself--it was against the rules. So while she'd spent her life giving everyone else insight, she never had any for herself. Then again, her entire life had been built around being essentially a magic 8 ball for everyone else. Her future didn't matter. Her life didn't matter, she was the Prophet, and that was it. And she'd been a damn good one. But hearing him say that, in that tone, she knew she had that same suffocating fear. That she'd be alone. That she was broken, and would remain broken, and she'd never get to really understand what the love songs she listened to were actually about. Not on a personal level, at any rate. "I won't ask if you don't want me to. But I don't think they'd say you'd wind up alone. You're too sweet for that. You're too good a person. And maybe people never got to see that before, but you're going to get out of here someday, and people will get a chance to see it then. When they meet whoever you are then? It'll be a whole new world for you."
Adam listened to her then turned her more to see her face. “It’s already a whole new world. I have you,” he said softly. “So already, technically not alone.” He smiled just as softly as his voice was. It wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t the slight bit of pining that he was feeling over Kyle, but it wasn’t like he missed what he felt for Wren too. That at least made more sense and was easier to keep in check.
When he turned her, she shifted, looking at him again. Some distant, confused part of her was thinking the moment was missing something, but she had no idea what it was. In the end, she smiled, though there was something slightly broken about it, some underlying damage that was present on the surface, even if it was only for a moment. "I know you need more than 'technically'." she told him. "I'm just confident that you'll find it. I know you will. Even without my cards." And she did believe that. That much was clear in her voice.
He leaned in closer to her, wanting more than that sad smile. “What’s wrong?” he asked. That difference in her look he couldn’t miss. “I’m glad you’re sure. That’s good news to me. Gives me hope.”
"You deserve to have it." she told him, again, fully honestly. She did believe that. Like she believed her cards would definitely have mentioned if he'd kidnapped, tortured and murdered a girl. She didn't pretend to know what had happened, but she didn't believe Adam had done that. Even with her shaken faith in her cards, in Fate itself, she still managed to hold that conviction. "And I don't know?" she told him, answering his question honestly. "I'm sure it'll pass. Don't worry about it. We aren't talking about me. We're talking about you."
“That much I’m still not sure on. I’m not sure I deserve that much.” He shook his head, not letting her get to that. “We started this talking about you, so we’re talking about this. What if it doesn’t just pass?” he asked. “Tell me what’s going on. I want to know.”
"I'm sure." Wren told him, conviction quiet, but clear. "And did we? I thought we were talking about you. We should be talking about you." she told him. She bit at her lower lip, looking sad and worried at the same time. "I'd tell you if I knew." she promised. "But I really don't." That broken idea was back. Clearly, she couldn't even explain herself in the middle of having emotions, let alone identify them for someone else.
“We did,” he told her nodding a little. “We don’t have to talk about me.” He pressed a tiny kiss to her forehead. “It’s okay. If you figure something out, let me know.”
Wren shifted, turning more toward him, curling up to him. He was a comforting sort of presence, even if she wasn't sure why she needed to be comforted. Why she felt vulnerable, why she felt sad, fractured. Maybe a little hollow. "What if I never do?" she asked, that undercurrent of fear present in her tone. "What if all this...this mess of confusion is all I ever have? And I never actually work anything out, because it's all miswired to start with?" She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. "I'm sorry. Don't answer that. I know it's just...fear."
Adam shook his head, slipping his fingers into her hair. “I’m gonna answer it anyway. You’ll figure something out. Even if you don’t...you’ll have me and our beach and house and whenever you get scared I’m right here.”
His fingers in her hair was nice. Soothing. She let her eyes close, thinking that might be her best bet. Plus breathing. She concentrated on that for a few long moments, concentrated on his breathing. She could feel it, a gentle little press against her then retreat. Wren concentrated on doing what she did best, which was shove everything into a little locked box somewhere deep down inside.
Maybe she needed not to deal with the mess that happened when she worried about being broken. Maybe she needed to embrace it, and go with that. Whatever twisted storm of emotions she'd been getting hit with, obviously she didn't know how to deal with them. She didn't know how to even start dealing with them. Perhaps that was a sign in and of itself. That she shouldn't. Was feeling lonely and isolated better than feeling like she couldn't breathe, like she was drowning and didn't even know why? Which would make her a better friend, better able to be there for the people she cared about? Probably the sensible, in control version of her. She was starting to think any other version was an utter wreck. And that was terrifying. Belatedly, she realized she hadn't responded to him, and in the end didn't do so verbally. Instead she nodded, knowing he'd feel it, even if she wasn't looking at him.
Adam watched her through the whole thing, concern etching across his features. He wondered what was going on in her mind, what she wasn’t saying, how she’d gotten to the point where all he was left with was a nod. It had to be enough though, a silent acknowledgement of what he’d said, and Adam was left pulling her closer, just to protect her more. “You’re gonna be okay Wren. Promise.”
Wren heard him, and recognized it as her possibly worrying him. She was likely behaving strangely. And while she felt before like she could be like that in front of him, she was changing her mind. All of this was best left buried where it had been in the first place. Exhaling slowly and fully, she stilled for a long moment. She left it a heartbeat or two before she drew in a new breath, and when she did, she opened her eyes, successfully centered again. She'd made a firm decision in her mind, and she was sticking with that. Anything else was unacceptable. She looked at him and gave him a light smile. "I believe you." she told him. "Are you okay?" she asked, shifting the subject cleanly. "Feeling any better from your nightmare?"
For a moment Adam faltered, not sure what that was. It seemed like everything about her just changed, with next to no warning. It made him question whether she believed him truly or she was just saying it. “I am, yeah I think so,” he said blinking slightly as the subject changed to himself. “What about you? I’m sorry I woke you up.”
It was impossible to miss, that she'd thrown him, but she didn't know how to fix that. It gave her a flicker of a mental stumble, but it was barely noticeable. It helped that he apologized, when she didn't believe one was necessary. "I'm fine," she told him. "And don't be sorry. It's not your fault. I'm just glad I got you awake and you didn't have to go through it alone." she told him honestly. A little lost sleep she could handle.
The flicker he didn’t quite catch. It felt for an instant that something was off, but it wasn’t there long enough to truly register more than a distant itch and it was easily ignored. “I’m embarrassed you had to see it. Or see me like that. I hate being alone, but at least it doesn’t freak anyone out.”
"Don't be embarrassed. I'm not going to tell anyone." She promised. "And I don't see you any differently because of them." she gave him a small smile. "It's all okay." she said, sounding convincing. She pushed herself up, looking down at him. "You should try to get some more sleep." she told him. "I can listen...wake you up again if you start making sounds."
“I don’t think it’s about people knowing, it’s about them witnessing it,” Adam said shaking his head. Hearing that she didn’t see him differently helped though, and that showed in his smile, which stayed until she pulled away from him. “You could stay over here too,” he said, the words out there before he could truly process them, but they made sense. The last thing he wanted right now was for Wren to leave, even if it was just to the other side of the room.
Two conflicting thoughts hit. One was a confused 'I'm not going back to my room?' and the second was the word 'inappropriate', said in Charlie's voice in her ear. She noticed that he'd been smiling then stopped abruptly. "...stay?" she asked, needing the clarification.
That she needed the clarification left Adam wondering if he’d crossed a line. He hesitated for a moment before nodding. “Yeah I can move over...you seemed comfortable here.” With him. Which never really happened and he didn’t want to let it go.
"Oh." Wren said, latching onto the idea, a nearly but not quite imperceptible nod accompanying it. He was correct, she had been comfortable. Was it inappropriate? Was she inappropriate? "Were you comfortable?" she asked, self doubt creeping in. She didn't want him having her there taking up space in his bed just because he wanted her to be comfy. It wouldn't be fair.
That feeling that he’d messed something up was back again, but Adam couldn’t quite bring himself to back down. “I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t...” He reached for her, pulling her towards him, not hard, just a soft subtle suggestion.
Wren didn't resist the pull. If he was comfortable, and she was, then it was okay. Maybe it wasn't inappropriate, and she was worrying for nothing. And, it was also hugely possible that Adam was still feeling a little vulnerable from his nightmare, and needed the extra comfort. She could provide that, easily if this was what he wanted. So she laid back down reaching for the blankets to tug over the both of them. She had a moment where she wasn't quite sure how to situate herself, but in the end, she curled onto her side, back close against his side. She'd take up less room, and she was generally a side sleeper anyhow. And if he was, he could always turn toward her. That was a generally accepted method of sharing a bed.
He watched her for a moment, considering just what to do. It came to him quickly enough, he just wasn’t sure about acting on it at first. After a while he gave up on thinking and rolled towards her, laying on his side as well. One arm went around her, finding her hand and wrapping it in his. It helped, having someone close, like the night he’d fallen asleep laying against Mazie, only this was better.
Wren very clearly relaxed when he put his arm around her. She laced her fingers through his, giving his hand a squeeze, and she shifted a little more back against him, getting comfortable with him. It felt nice. It was strange, but she felt safe there, which was likely at least a little ironic considering his conviction, but still. She did. And while it had taken her a long time to fall asleep previously, it didn't take her nearly so long now. Not when she was feeling warm, safe and comfortable.
Adam more felt than listened to her breathing even out, inwardly surprised at how much better he felt with her here, this close to him. It was something he wasn’t sure he wanted, but now that he had it, he felt surprisingly better, like something made sense, even if it was as simple as her fingers laced with his. Sleep came for him too, though after her, but at least this time it was dreamless.