Rebekah MacKenzie (beckathesweet) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2013-02-05 12:20:00 |
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Entry tags: | day eleven, matt, matt and rebekah, rebekah |
Home is Where the Heart Is
Characters: Matt and Becka
Setting: Kitchen, after dark
There was only so much sitting in her room that Becka thought she could handle even with everything that had happened to her. It didn’t help that the walls in Wu’s room were that unappealing pea green color, or that she didn’t have any of her things out. She probably should put them out again. It just didn’t feel like her room, and she didn’t think putting a few knickknacks out would change that. And so her things remained in that small box in the bottom drawer of the dresser in this room. At least there was one small comfort to be had here, in the dried flowers that Wu had left behind for her.
Her talk with Cal had been emotionally draining, though not really in the way she’d have thought. He hadn’t asked her to actually talk about what had happened, focusing more on what would happen now, but she wasn’t going to complain about it. She didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to think about how sick she felt for not doing more to stop it or how cowardly she felt for not being able to even try getting a look at him when it was over.
But one thing that Cal’s visit had done was to get her to eat something. Through the rest of the afternoon, she’d nibbled on the cookies, which really were quite good, and sipped the glass of milk, and it seemed to have the effect of making it impossible to ignore the hunger anymore. The problem was that she didn’t really have anything substantial in her room, and she was still pretty terrified of leaving her room.
It was after dark by the time she’d worked up the nerve to venture out, and she hoped that the cover of night would keep anyone from noticing her new location. She slipped out, wearing dark jeans and a dark sweatshirt, and headed in the direction of her old room, intending to go to the activity room and elevator. She was relieved that she didn’t actually run into anyone along the way, that there was no one else in the elevator when she took it down to the first floor. Even though she hadn’t run into anyone, her heart was racing by the time she got to the kitchen, and she stopped just inside, leaning back against the wall and closing her eyes for a moment to try to calm it. She would be fine; just grab something to eat and get back to her new room.
Matt had stayed shut up in his own room for most of the day as well, feeling quite unable to deal with even the possibility of interacting with people after Edan hadn’t returned to his room the night before. It was a small thing really but it had left him on edge, trying to ignore a discomfiting sensation gnawing at his stomach as he’d tried and failed to sleep. The new day had brought with it no sign of her and Cal’s foreboding message, neither of which had improved his mood. It had taken the job announcement from the administrators to garner anything resembling positive from him and even that simply had him exchanging one form of solitude for another as he sequestered himself away in the library making a list of all the titles on the shelves along with ideas on ways to improve the running of it.
It proved to be an all encompassing distraction as, by the time he had finished, the sun had long gone down and for the first time he realised how hungry he was. Mercifully the kitchen was nearby and the courtyard was clear and so it was in companionable silence that he made his way there and set on fixing himself up some soup and crackers. He was looking through the pantry when Becka came into the room but was so engrossed in his search he didn’t notice her entrance, only realising she was there when he turned around, starting when he did so and dropping his can of soup with a crash.
Becka was completely unaware of the fact that she wasn’t alone in the kitchen, and she’d just about got her breathing under control when the crash of a can hitting the ground sounded outside the pantry. Her eyes shot up, and she jumped as both surprise and fear coursed through her, whipping her head around to see who was in the room with her. It took her a moment to actually be able to focus on the guy, who she didn’t know but did recognize as someone she’d seen around the facility the whole time she’d been here. She just stood there, still close to the wall just inside the door, staring at him with wide eyes and trying ignore that voice in her head that was screaming at her to flee, to return to her room, lock her door, and not come back out again. It was completely irrational, as he hadn’t even done anything but drop a can of soup, and she was trying so hard not to become some crazy person.
As frazzled as his own nerves were, Matt immediately felt guilty for having scared her, not missing the fear in Becka’s expression even if he was unaware for the deeper reasons behind it. “G...g...g..god, I’m ssss...s...so ssssorry,” he stammered, dropping to his knees to pick up the can which was thankfully only a little dented from it’s fall.
The battle with that irrational voice in her head might have been lost had she not noticed that Matt looked rather guilty for startling her, and then he was speaking, and that stammer was so very unthreatening that she forced herself to take a deep breath and try to relax just a little bit. She pressed her lips together in a thin line and shook her head. “Don’t worry about it,” she spoke after a moment, though her voice was not quite steady. “I just didn’t know anyone else was in here. It’s okay, really.” She could try to act normal, but she’d never been a good actress.
It was in her favour really that Matt wasn’t at his best otherwise he would have surely noticed how unconvincing her reassurance sounded. Instead it did as she intended, waylaying his guilt somewhat for it to be replaced by a sheepish embarrassment as he stood up. “N...n...neither did I,” he replied, setting his food down on the counter. “I w...wasn’t expecting to cross paths with anyone actually.”
Even though she wasn’t quite as freaked out now, she wasn’t calm either, and she lifted her arms to cross them around her middle just under her bust, still not moving further away from the door. She hadn’t decided whether or not she was going give in to that desire to flee. “Me either,” she admitted, willing herself to move, to go further into the room and find something to eat. It didn’t work, and she seemed to be rooted to the spot.
The longer she stood still, the more apparent the tension radiating from her became and Matt couldn’t help but notice it, if only for the fact it looked so much like how he often felt and he frowned a little in sympathy. “Did you w....want some soup?” he offered, waving the can a little as he took a step away from her and towards the microwave. “Won’t take long if you were looking for something quick.” Not to mention the fact she looked like she’d much rather be somewhere else.
When he frowned, Becka realized just how poor a job she was doing at the whole trying to act normal thing. It was like a battle in her mind, the conflict of who she was at her core and the fear that had taken up residence in her. “Oh! Umm, no, thank you. I can... figure something out for myself,” she answered at the offer. She glanced at the pantry, trying to hide the flinch at the thought of going in there. This was the last thing she wanted, to live in this fear around every man that she encountered. What had happened to her had happened during the blackout when there weren’t any cameras, and she knew on some level that the likelihood of something happening again was low, but it didn’t stop the fear. Taking another deep breath, she forced herself to move, walking slowly in the direction of the pantry.
“If you’re sure,” he said, feeling distinctly unsure of himself at being the one seemingly more confident in a social situation. Seeing her flinch did little to improve the matter and he found himself at a loss with what to do as Becka moved around the kitchen. He settled for keeping distance between them as he grabbed a bowl from one of the cupboards, recognising something in her body language as screaming ‘please don’t come near me’ and more than able to sympathise with the sentiment. “If I can help with something, do let me know though.”
Becka gave a small nod to say that she was sure, keeping him in her line of sight as she moved. She felt ridiculous doing it, but knowing where he was helped in some small way. “Umm, sure, I will,” she replied, though she didn’t really think there would be anything. She hadn’t been able to tell Adam or Cal, Wren, Kyle or Grace anything that they could help with, so what could she tell this stranger? Once she reached the pantry, she forced herself to go into it, ignoring the fact that she wouldn’t be able to see him. As she looked at the food on the shelves, not really able to focus on any of the labels, she realized that soup probably would be the safest thing for her to eat right now, considering her still tender and rather empty stomach. So, she grabbed a can, not really caring what type it was, and went back out of the pantry. Leaning against a counter still a ways away from Matt, waiting for him to finish with the microwave. “You’ve been here from the start, right?” she asked in a small voice, giving in to her natural instinct to engage the people she meets in spite of her fear.
Matt nodded as he emptied his soup into the bowl and popped it into the microwave, dialling a couple of minutes into the timer. “Since d....day one,” he replied, turning to look at her; clearly she had been paying attention. “Y...y...you’re Becka right? The other nurse? Well the first nurse really.” Realising he was starting to ramble, a pretty much guaranteed outcome if he was the one driving a conversation, he took a breath and offered her what he hoped was an easy, albeit small, smile. “I’m Matt.”
That was what she’d thought, and she was glad at least to have it confirmed. She was almost surprised that she hadn’t met him yet. When he asked his questions, she tried to smile, but even she knew that it came out off. It just made her feel guilty that she wasn’t much of a nurse lately even though Cal had assured her that she didn’t need to be. “Umm, yeah, that’s me.” At least she hadn’t added that she hadn’t been and wouldn’t be in the clinic for a while yet. Matt. She tried to think of what she might know about him, what he might have posted on the journals or anything, but her mind wasn’t really coming up with anything.
When she didn’t offer anything else by way of reply, Matt simply nodded as if the confirmation of her name was more than enough information. “Well it’s good to meet you Becka even if it’s beginning was less than auspicious though granted it could have been worse.” Particularly given how his last two meetings with new people had gone.
The statement shouldn’t have affected her, but she found her eyes filling with moisture that she blinked back stubbornly. It could have been worse, yes, and she couldn’t help but wonder, not for the first time, if the man who had attacked her was someone that she’d met, even liked, and a wave of disgust went through her at the thought of it. This was going so poorly, and she hated herself for that. She’d always been good with people, happy and sociable, and she hated that she felt so out of sorts with this now. Swallowing down the overwhelming emotions, she forced herself to respond, “Yes...” She had to pause, clearing her throat a bit. “It could have been, but it wasn’t, so... Plus side. I’m sorry, I’m just... Not myself right now,” she said, clearly feeling guilty for her behavior.
Becka may have managed to not shed any tears but the impact of her reaction on Matt was no less potent for the lack of them, gripping him with horror at having made such a grievous misstep without even realising it. “Nnn...no, I’m sorry,” he said, appalled that he had upset her. “It was a poor attempt at humor on my part and I shouldn’t have...” He lapsed into awkward silence only for it to be punctuated by the ding of the microwave.
Becka absolutely hated that she couldn’t seem to reign in her reactions and that simple, harmless things were upsetting her. It was clearly making things unbearably awkward, and she just wished that she could fix it. She’d pushed away from the counter before even realizing that she’d meant to move, one hand reaching out in his direction though there was still quite a bit of distance between them. “No! Really, you didn’t do anything wrong at all. God, I’m usually much better at this sort of thing.” And then she realized that her behavior had clued Adam into what had happened to her, and that was even before Cal had posted that public entry about it. Even if he hadn’t said any names, if she kept acting like this, there was a good possibility others would figure it out as well.
His time spent with Edan meant that Matt didn’t lurch away from Becka’s outstretched hand as he might have done a few days ago, instead he just up his own hands in the hope it would deter her before she got too close. “And I’m r...r...really not,” he admitted. “So between us, we’re making a bit of a mess of this aren’t we?” He shook his head before turning to open the microwave, giving the bowl a small shake before closing the door again and setting the timer for another minute.
His response did nothing to quell the guilt, and she frowned at his question. “It looks like we are,” she agreed softly, retreating back to lean against the counter again. At least it wasn’t just her, though, if he was usually not good at these sorts of things. She was at a loss for where to go from there, though, and she was quiet for a bit as she tried to think of something to say, something that might ease some of the awkwardness. “You’re the one with the camera, right?” she finally asked, having noticed him with a camera many of the times she’d seen him around.
Matt managed to crack a smile at that, pleased to have something to be defined by that wasn’t his illness or a his stammer. “Yes, that’s me. Normally I have it with me but I’ve only been in the library today trying to get things organised a little.”
When he smiled, Becka matched it with a small one, relieved to have found something that wouldn’t make things more awkward or difficult. “Ahh, that’s right, you did get the Librarian position. I voted for you.” Of course, that had been in part because no one else had made a case for wanting it, but she didn’t really think that mattered.
Smiling growing a touch wider, Matt ducked his head in a small nod of appreciation. “Thank you,” he said genuinely, ignoring the microwave as it announced it was finished for the moment. “I know it’s not a position anyone else was really interested in but it means a lot that people want me to do it.”
“You’re welcome.” She was glad, at least, that he seemed genuinely pleased at having got the position. She hoped that people would be happy with where they’d been voted, that they would find some way to make this community work even if she did have serious doubts now. “I think a lot of people didn’t really know what they wanted, but I’m sure you’ll do great at it. It’s basically what you did on the outside, right?” She thought she remembered him saying something about it in his post rallying for the job.
“Uh huh,” he replied, tugging his sleeves down over his hands so he could take his now hot bowl of soup from the microwave without burning himself, sliding it down the counter so Becka could get to the machine without having to get too close. “Over at Roger William where I was a student.”
When Matt got his bowl out of the microwaved and moved down a little ways, Becka hadn’t that she felt a bit relieved, and she tried not to let it show. She grabbed her own bowl from a cabinet, opened the soup, and poured it in, getting a paper towel and moistening it, stretching it over the top of the bowl to keep any splatters while it heated up contained before putting the bowl in the microwave and setting the timer. Once that was done, she glanced back at Matt. “Roger William? Where’s that?” she asked curiously.
Watching how methodical she was, Matt belatedly wondered if he should have made more an effort to not make a mess before dismissing it, figuring he could always wipe down the inside of the machine before he left. Foregoing a spoon for the moment, he tore into the packet of crackers and dipped one into the soup, too hungry to wait on eating until they had finished talking. “Rhode Island,” he told her before popping the cracker into his mouth. “Which is not nearly interesting as they make it look on television.”
Becka tilted her head a bit as she made a little ‘oh’ sound. “I’ve never been to Rhode Island, but what T.V. stuff makes it look interesting?” she asked, mind clearly not at it’s best as she probably shouldn’t have needed to ask at all.
“Mostly just Family Guy, though whether or not it qualifies as interesting is up for debate I suppose.” He fished out another cracker and snapped it two, using one of the pieces to stir his soup. “Either way, I spent my whole life there and I never once met a talking dog or a megalomaniac baby so...” He shrugged, offering Becka another easy smile. “Where are you from originally?”
Ahh, well yeah, she probably should have connected those dots, but considering her state of mind, she really wasn’t surprised that she hadn’t. “I’m not so sure ‘interesting’ is the right word,” she said, lips twitching in amusement. “Minnesota,” she answered, not seeing any point in not doing so when it was pretty common knowledge already.
“Ah, the land of 10,000 lakes. I hear it’s a beautiful part of the country,” Matt replied. It wasn’t somewhere he’d been personally but one of the other student librarians had come from there and he’d often heard her talking about it.
Becka’s smile was soft and completely genuine as she nodded at his reply. “Oh, it is! I love it. I miss it,” she admitted. She really did want to go back, but she just felt like she had to hold out a few more days, had to wait to find out what Wu might discover. “Even in the winter when we get mountains of snow dumped on us,” she added with a little laugh, trying to take her mind off of the direction her thoughts had just gone.
Perhaps because it was in such pleasant contrast to how her demeanour had been up to that point, Matt couldn’t help but return her smile with one of his one. “Home is where the heart is,” he said and it was all too clear from how Becka spoke that, cliched as it may have been, the sentiment was a true one for the blonde.
The thought of home was something that almost seemed to be keeping her going, so it was no surprise to her that the topic had her more at ease than anything else to this point. “It truly is,” she agreed. The microwave beeped, and she turned to get her soup out, pulling the paper towel off and setting it aside to throw away when she was finished. After getting a spoon out to stir her soup, she glanced at him again. “Do you miss Rhode Island?” she asked curiously.
“Sometimes,” he replied, following her example and retrieving a spoon to tuck into his soup properly. “I miss the library where I used to work certainly, small things one takes for granted like simply being able to walk for hours with no destination in mind...” It was fair to say that while prison could have been a far worse experience for him that it had been so far, he was certainly glad of the opportunity to leave it sooner rather than later.
Prison had definitely not been the terrible experience that it seemed to be a lot of people had, at least prior to coming here, but even with the small luxuries they’d reclaimed here, it still couldn’t compare to the true freedom of the outside. “Right, even here, it’s hard to get that kind of walk going,” she said with a small smile, just a little bit of joking that didn’t quite make its mark with tone.
Perhaps it didn’t but Matt gave a small huff of amusement all the same. “It is indeed,” he said, bobbing his head in agreement. “Though that aside, I find myself embracing the small things I can here and for the most part, the company here is a distinct improvement.”
Becka nodded in understanding at that. She’d been thrilled when she’d first arrived, at having some of those small luxuries back despite her short time in prison. She couldn’t fully agree with the second part of what he’d said, though. The company here? Well, at least one of the men in this place was definitely not an improvement... but which one? She wondered if it could be Matt, but what good was wondering when she had no way of knowing? “I’m glad that it has been for you,” she finally said, trying to remember to smile, though it didn’t quite make it.
Even without the failed attempt to smile, there was no mistaking her choice of words and Matt frowned a little, soup forgotten for a moment, the bowl loosely cupped between his hands. “Not for you though?” he queried, voice gentle, encouraging her to speak without probing for answers she might not wish to give.
He didn’t need to push her to answer; just asking at all was enough to trigger the instinct to answer honestly, something Becka had almost always done. She’d never been talented in lies or evasion, her emotions almost always playing close to the surface. This time was no different. Her eyes shone with unshed tears, and she shook her head slightly. “It’s not been all bad,” she said, trying desperately to focus on the positive interactions she’d had prior to the blackout.
While he hadn’t expected her reply to be overwhelming positive given her choice of words before, if she’d answered at all, had he known his question was going to make her cry, he would have kept it to himself. “T...t...tell me about the g..ggood then,” he suggested, hating he had brought her close to tears twice now and wanting to avoid upsetting her further. “I haven’t spoken to many people at all here, perhaps you c...can suggest someone I’d like to meet?”
He was stuttering again, and Becka wondered if it was something she’d said or done. She didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, no matter how uncomfortable she couldn’t help but be in this whole situation. “Oh, hmmm.” The request immediately brought a few faces to mind, Kyle, Wren, Violet, Carmel, among others. She did have a lot of people here that she liked, but she had no way of knowing who he might like to meet. “There’s Wren. She’s very insightful. And Kyle, though he can be very exuberant. But he’s so talented.”
The mention of Wren had Matt smiling a little and reminded him the two of them had yet to speak again in person since their first meeting, resolving to send her a message over the journals when he returned to his room. “I’ve spoken to Wren before, I took photos of some of her runes,” he replied. “I haven’t met Kyle yet though, he’s the artist yes?”
“Ahh,” she said at the mention of speaking to Wren before. Well, in such a small place like this, they were bound to have talked to some of the same people. “Yeah, Kyle’s the artist. I think he’s hoping to sell some of his stuff in the shop.” Though he’d also been voted in as a shop worker, which she had to wonder if he was annoyed about.
“I’ll have to go and see what there is if he does, my room could use a little colour.” Decorations it had plenty of already though he’d be loathe to describe his ‘mural’ as such, regarding it more as a tool than anything else.
The comment reminded her of the fact that she no longer had her pretty blue walls, which was such a small disappointment considering everything that had happened, but it felt so much bigger. “There are paints and stuff in the tool shed and activity room, if you wanted to put some color up yourself. Adam and I painted my room blue, what was it, the third day here? I think it was, it was the day we got all the paint supplies.” Though she didn’t really want to think about that day, the roller coaster of hope and sadness she’d experienced with Adam.
“Perhaps I should though I’ll confess, painting isn’t exactly a forte of mine,” Matt said with a shrug. “I’ve always been more of a ‘put things on the walls’ rather than ‘change the walls’ person. Still it’s good to know the means are there should I want to.”
“Ahh, yeah, I understand that. Nothing wrong with it, either.” She liked to have a lot of things on the walls even aside from having them painted a pleasing color. “So if Kyle does sell some of his paintings, you really should look to see if there’s something you’d like.” She liked Kyle and wanted him to be successful, here and on the outside, though she didn’t really think he would struggle with it with his talent.
“Well I’ll hope that he does and keep my eyes open.” Offering Becka another smile, pleased they had apparently avoided full on tears for the second time, he started tucking onto his soup once more. “I will be intrigued to see what else there will be to buy in the shop when it opens, how well this whole credits system will work.” He held up his wrist where the QR pendant swung loosely by way of elaboration.
“It should be interesting to see,” Becka agreed with a small smile. Not that she thought she would be buying anything. What would she need when she was hoping to be leaving here before long? All she wanted right now couldn’t be bought in a store, anyway, and she knew that she might not ever get it. Her own QR bracelet was up in her new room, still locked in that little box. She hadn’t seen any point in getting it out yet. “I think it’s probably a good thing that they’re doing the credit system, though. Getting something for nothing doesn’t actually teach anyone about functioning in society, and if that’s what they’re really wanting to achieve, they probably ought to have done this from the start.” Not that she thought her two cents really mattered.
Matt hummed thoughtfully. “It seems our overseers are experiencing as much of a learning curve as we are but this is an experiment, we can’t get all the different stimuli at once or they wouldn’t be able to observe how we react to each and change them accordingly. We as the proverbial guinea pigs just have to muddle through and try to make the best of things.”
Becka hated being reminded that this was an experimental program, that the administration were likely doing a trial and error type thing to figure out how best to work it. She didn't like being a guinea pig, but she did know that Matt wasn’t wrong in his assessment. “Hmm, that sounds like something someone with a scientific mind would say,” she commented lightly. “Though I think the way they introduced each of us into the program was a stimuli overload for most people, anyway. To go from one extreme to another unknown one...” She shrugged, thinking it was probably a big part of why some people had, apparently and obviously, messed up so soon. “Doesn’t really matter, though, right? It is what it is, and we’ve all just gotta get through it.” Or go back to where they’d come from.
“I’ve done my fair share of psychology classes,” he admitted. “Not to mention a copious amount of reading, some things are bound to stay with a person.” He couldn’t fault Becka’s reasoning though and she went up in his estimation on account of it. “I believe that’s the idea. As for it’s success, I guess we just have to wait and see.”
Thinking that her soup had probably cooled off enough to not scald her tongue now, she scooped up a bit and brought it to her mouth, still blowing on it briefly before eating it as he spoke. Not bad, though it still couldn’t compare to homemade soup. Still, it was hot and soothing, and she hoped that she would be able to keep it down. “Wait and see,” she repeated. “Right.” No, she didn’t want to wait and see, not anymore. At least, she didn’t want to wait and see about the success of this place. No, she was only waiting on one thing. “At least you’ve got the library now, right?” she offered with a small smile.
“I do indeed.” There was no mistaking the way his expression lit up as he spoke, his passion for the written word clearly evident, equalled only by his love for photography. “I’m hoping to get a proper lending system in place, maybe even a computer to keep a proper database.”
It really was clear just how passionate he was about it, and her smile turned a bit sad as she thought about it. She couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ever felt that passionate about anything. Nursing had been something she’d known she could be proud of, and she had been. She’d enjoyed it, but she’d never got that look in her eyes at the mere mention of it. “I don’t think that would be too difficult, the lending system. Though you should ask about an additional computer - it would probably make keeping track of it a lot easier.” She would actually be surprised if they didn’t already have an electronic database for the library.
Matt nodded eagerly. “I intend to,” he said, pleased that she saw the sense in having one and hoped that it was an indicator that the administration would feel the same. “I’ve compiled a list of things I hope to implement actually. The collection we have here is a long way from needing a fully barcoded system but organisation is still key.”
Becka smiled softly at him, struck by the thought that for just a few moments she’d felt almost normal. It was unexpected, and she couldn’t help but wonder how long it would last. “Well, I hope they’ll provide what you want for it.” She fell quiet then as she finished up her soup, lifting the bowl to drink the last little bit of broth. It was a relief to have something in her stomach, and she just hoped that she would be able to keep it down.
He smiled a little and ducked his head, focus falling onto the abandoned bowl in his hands. “As do I,” he replied, giving his soup a cursory stir before tucking back into it, a companionable silence surrounding the two of them as they finished their meals.