psychologic_cal (psychologic_cal) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2013-01-29 22:44:00 |
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Entry tags: | cal, cal and rebekah, day eleven, rebekah |
Four walls
Characters: Becka and Cal
Setting: Becka’s room, late afternoon
It hadn’t been as simple to do this as Cal had assumed it would be, not by half. After talking with Violet, he’d dealt with the announcement on the journals and Jae’s bad reaction to it, sighing at both her temper and his lack of foresight before Cal started preparing for a trip to Becka’s room. He didn’t need to bring anything, but he felt like he needed to gather himself for it; this was as delicate a situation as Adam’s, if not moreso with the freshness of it. Then, of course, Eric had wandered down in search of Violet, and with her not there? Cal had been the one to entertain him for his brief visit, taking the cookies he’d delivered with a laugh and a good-natured smile, as well as a promise to tell Violet he’d stopped in. And she was a lucky one if only for the fact that apparently Eric could bake as well as Carmel, a fact that Cal discovered as he lingered in the clinic, savoring a cookie.
Finally, with a few more of them bundled up to bring to Becka, Cal left the clinic behind, sure that Vi could handle it on her own for the moment. He’d hoped Becka might find her way down here again, but if she wasn’t reaching out? He would, and not through the journals where he could potentially be avoided. No, he’d head right to Becka’s door after a detour to the kitchen for a carton of milk and a pair of glasses; a therapy that reached back to moms around the world... except that apparently? He had the wrong door, something he learned when Wu opened it to Cal’s knocking and just... just stared at him. And despite having nearly a foot and three decades of youth on him? It was a stare that made Cal squirm too, and one he was relieved to escape when Wu corrected him on the room switch. At last, much later than he’d planned and feeling like he’d detoured the whole facility to get here? Cal stood outside of what was apparently now Becka’s room, knocking awkwardly as he held his bundles for their visit. “Becka?” he called gently, “S’Cal, you in there?”
It had been a quiet day so far all things considered, but Becka wasn’t really going to complain about that. Only few people knew what room she was in, and she was counting on the fact that people would still presume that this was Wu’s room for her to be left alone. And in the meantime she was just trying not to slip into the panic and depression that had been lingering around the edges of her psyche all day. Leaving her room this morning in search of Leandro had taken about all of her bravery that she felt she would need to venture out again and deal with people. And since he hadn’t been there, had in fact not been there for more than a day, she was feeling rather hopeless all around.
And then there was the fact that Kyle hadn’t messaged her back yet. Certainly, he could be caught up in some project or another, and she wouldn’t fault him for that if it were the case, but it was bringing about a blinding realization that with Leandro gone, she had no one that she was significantly close to. Of course, then Adam’s image flitted through her mind, and she frowned, thinking that she’d rather not think about him right now. She’d had no idea where things were going to go before all of this had happened, and now? Now, she couldn’t help but wonder if it was pointless to even think about it. It didn’t stop her from doing so, didn’t make her care about him any less. At least he knew; at least he could understand.
The knock at the door pulled her from her musings, and that was probably for the best as it wouldn’t do her any good for her mind to go in those circles. She was silent until she heard who was on the other side, and then her expression was something between a smile and a grimace. She could imagine why Cal had come, had expected it if she were being completely honest with herself, but that didn’t mean she felt anywhere near ready to talk about everything yet. She couldn’t just ignore him, though; it went against her very upbringing to ignore people, and it had been hard enough to ignore Grace the day before. And so, she stood up and then unlocked and opened the door, wearing the same jeans and long sleeve shirt from this morning. “Come in,” she said softly, standing mostly behind the door and waiting until he was inside to close it again, retaking her seat at the computer.
Stepping in when bidden, Cal had to take an appraising look around at the new room. It couldn’t have been long since the move, and that explained the unsettled, unpacked feel in the space, but even still? It also felt tense. “Brought some junk food,” he said as he finally looked Becka’s way, putting on a warm smile that Cal had learned to maintain in the wake of hard moments. Working with the dead, the dying, and the convicted definitely helped with developing a game face. “Chocolate chip, even. Pretty close to fresh, best I’ve had outside of my momma’s.” He looked around the room again, turning to take in the flowers, eyes settling on the solitary decoration of Becka’s quilt, then back to her. “This your idea or Wu’s?”
The mention of food had her grimacing, her empty stomach aching and yearning for sustenance and feeling sick all at once at the thought of it. “I... haven’t really eaten since. I tried, but I couldn’t keep it down,” she admitted in a very soft voice, pulling her legs up to wrap her arms around her knees. It was a credit to Wu’s directive that she not avert her eyes that she didn’t do so now, even if Wu was not present. Perhaps it was a subconscious fear that somehow he would know and a desire to not disappoint him. “Thank you, though,” she added, remembering her manners. At the question, she glanced around the room before looking back at Cal. It didn’t look or feel like her room, but it was better than staying in the other one. “Wu’s,” she answered simply.
The simple answer was worrying, just because of what Violet had already shared. If the old gangster was the only one Becka trusted right now? That was a problem unto itself; maybe not one that trumped the issue in front of them now, but definitely one to worry over. “Glass of milk’s a good start even if you don’t feel like eatin’,” he urged gently, “Coats the stomach, kills some of the acid.” It was faintly paternal, concerned and worrisome for sure, but everyone who knew what had happened was worried; Cal was just in a spot to really see how bad it was. “Got a little time to talk? I wasn’t sure how long you were plannin’ to take off from the clinic, thought I’d do best to come up this way myself.”
Although she knew it was true, Cal’s reminder about milk was probably a good thing. She knew that she needed to get something in her stomach. “Right,” she agreed softly, reaching out for one of the glasses and taking a small sip. The sip went down easy enough, so she followed it with another bigger one. The question of talking didn’t surprise her, but the words that followed it? They weren’t quite as expected, and she flinched visibly. “I’m sorry, I... I haven’t been doing a very good job keeping up with my ‘job’, even if it was unofficial before now,” she said softly, clearly feeling guilty about it. “I just... I can’t be out there right now.” And she hated the way her eyes already were filling with moisture.
“Hey now, that’s nothin’ you need to apologize for,” Cal was quick to correct with a shake of his head, settling on the floor as his tall frame folded in half and his legs tucked under him. “Don’t even think for a second that’s why I’d bring it up, Becka, it’s just another way for me to say I miss seein’ you down there and give myself an excuse to wander up here.” He stretched to reach for the other glass, plucking it from the desk and settling back on the floor. “I’m worried ‘bout you, hon, same as Violet. Same as a whole lotta folks ‘round here would be, or are. And I know that hearin’ that, knowin’ that folks are concerned, it brings a special kind of pressure when all we want it to bring is support. Feels like obligation, right? Havin’ visits and intrusions when all you want’s time to yourself and your four walls, I get that,” he explained soothingly, “And I’m not about to tell you to come back out there if you aren’t ready to. But I am hopin’ that until you are, you won’t mind me comin’ in.”
Although it didn’t make her feel any better to realize it, Becka had needed the assurance that he wasn’t upset with her for not being stronger, for not being able to keep up with the clinic. Apparently she was being much harder on herself than anyone else was. She waited until he’d finished speaking to say anything, having already learned that it was better to hear him out as he could get a bit long-winded at times. She liked it, though. Normally, at least. It was refreshing compared to a lot of others around here who just didn’t seem to chit chat a whole lot. “I... don’t want to be alone,” she corrected softly. “I don’t want everyone descending down on me all at once, either, but... I just don’t know how to be around people right now. I feel... lost. And like I’m in a skin that doesn’t quite fit anymore. And I’m terrified. Of being alone, of being around anyone, of going out there and talking to him without even knowing it’s him. It’s suffocating, and I don’t know what to do.” And yet the people she’d trusted most so far, Wu and Adam, Leandro (even if he hadn’t been there) and now Cal? It was some kind of irony that they were all men.
He could understand the continued fear, the lack of direction in how to deal with it or the others that Becka still had to live with. And that she could voice it was a good sign, though it didn’t get Cal past the worries Violet had shared with him, or his own based on his observations. “I think it’s a case of learning how again, one person at a time,” Cal offered first, “You’ve got to start small, stick with people you know you can trust, hope that they can help you take it step by step. And honestly, that’d be the plan if you didn’t have to worry over not knowing who did this.” Because maybe she wouldn’t. Cal wasn’t sure how much Becka had entertained the idea, but it was a real one. Jae and Wu might find nothing, Becka’s rapist might go unpunished and, even worse, get the chance to be close to her without her even knowing. “You could ask to go. After what happened, the people running the show would be obligated to get you somewhere safer,” he suggested then, frowning softly, “And I already know you don’t want to, not with this unsettled... I just don’t know if that’s best.”
Becka nodded slowly at that, thinking that it did make sense, right up until he segued into the idea that she should ask to go. She couldn’t help but wonder why it seemed people couldn’t understand why she just couldn’t ask to go yet. She knew that the odds were slim of Wu being able to discover the identity of her attacker, but there was that slim chance that she just had to wait for, even if just for a few days. “I know that I can ask to go, but who knows what they’d actually feel obligated to do? There has been so much that they do and don’t do that just doesn’t make any sense at all. I don’t want to be here, but I have to at least give Wu a chance to find out what he can. And if he can’t find anything out within a few days, I’ll ask to go.” It was the best that she could give Cal right now, because she knew that she couldn’t promise to ask to leave right now.
“I understand,” Cal assured her, trying to be both supportive and neutral in the same breath. He didn’t dare risk badgering her right now, it’d get Cal shut out of any support if Becka thought he expected her to just go. But at the same time he had to at least voice the idea. “However long you decide to stay, I’ll support you in the choice if you’re willing to talk about the concerns that raises with me or the other folks around here,” he offered supportively, “But I gotta ask, why him? I think Wu’d be the first to say he’s not a good sort, but it seems like you’re puttin’ a lot of faith in him in spite of that.”
Becka wasn’t so sure Cal did understand, but she didn’t write it off as false entirely. Maybe he did. He seemed to be pretty open-minded and able to understand many different perspectives of things. Her brows furrowed a bit at the offer, not really understanding what he was getting at with that. She was distracted, though, by his question about Wu. Staring down into her glass of milk, she gave herself a moment to organize her thoughts on the man. “Wu is... not really a good man, but he’s not completely evil, either,” she began, knowing that it didn’t make the most sense for her to put her faith in the older man. “But why him? Because... because of something he said when we talked that night, before I went to my room, before the blackout. Because I believe he’ll do more than anyone else to find out who did this to me.”
Cal believed it too, but unlike Becka, that idea scared him. He’d read an old profile of the man some time after his arrest, a modern study in disassociation, and the levels of viciousness he was capable of for nothing more than proving a point? They were something Cal hoped few of the people here could grasp. He didn’t think it would help Becka to know that, either; to think that she was turning someone dangerous loose. “What’d he say?” he asked first, “And if he or someone else finds who did this, what then? I mean... I think some of the people here would want him dead, but I know you’re not one of them.” Which was a hell of an assumption, but from what he knew of Becka? She’d only embraced death once, to ease suffering.
At the first question, Becka shook her head slightly, just the smallest hint of a smile playing at the corners of her lips. “That’s between him and I,” she said softly, studiously ignoring the guilt at refusing to answer. But what Wu had admitted while drunk and apparently in some kind of vulnerable state to even speak so honestly with her wasn’t something she felt comfortable telling anyone. At the second question, though, and the statement that followed it, she glanced up with a slightly shocked expression. “What? I... No,” she said immediately, stomach twisting at the thought. Did she want whoever it was dead? She didn’t think so. It took her a minute of thinking, of some self reflection before she realized what she did want. “I want him sent back to prison,” she finally said. “I want him to not be here with this amazing opportunity we’re all supposedly getting, with the temptation to do this to someone else.” And it was the absolute truth. Unlike Carmel, she didn’t think she would have the stomach for physical violence against her attacker, but she didn’t want him to have the opportunity to do it again.
That was good to hear, and Cal hoped the sentiment could endure possibly facing whoever had hurt her. Every new day here seemed like a worse test of Cal’s optimism than the day before, and he’d endured losing his life’s goal when he’d first been locked up. Losing what was left of his hope just seemed unbearable. “More merciful than some of us would opt for,” Cal noted, also thinking of Carmel in that moment. Her, Wu, Jae probably, Reece possibly, Adam definitely... someone in here had a target on their back now. “But I hope we get a chance for you to say as much.” If she could; confrontation with her attacker could very well change all of that for the worse. “Wouldn’t be much bother to you if I planned on doin’ this regular-like until you felt like comin’ back to the clinic, would it?” Cal requested with a faint grin, “I was just startin’ to get a routine down again.”
“I hope I get a chance to, too.” Even if the thought of facing her attacker absolutely terrified her. She wanted to know, but did she really? Would she be able to handle knowing who had violated her? “I... don’t like what it would say about me if I did want him dead,” she admitted softly. She didn’t want to think ill of Carmel for what she’d done, even though it was disturbing on many levels. “I think the issue is... Well, is it really possible for someone who would do what he did to be rehabilitated? I want to believe that anyone can be, that there’s hope for everyone, but... We’ve only been here a week and a half, and this guy...” she trailed off, shaking her head against the tears that had filled her eyes as she spoke. Focusing on Cal’s next question, she tried for a smile, though it was faint. “I wouldn’t mind. I don’t want to be alone,” she admitted. “But at least in here? Not many people know that Wu and I switched rooms, and who’s going to mess with Wu’s room?” She felt safer in here than she had in her first room, that was for sure.
“I’d keep that to yourself as long as you can, too,” Cal advised. “Until someone figures somethin’ out, then it’s good to not be obvious ‘bout where you’re staying. And if you ever start feelin’ unsafe again? We can do another switch and set you downstairs.” Which would work, in theory. In practice? Well, not knowing who attacked Becka meant her attacker could be watching every time she moved to another room... “And yeah, it’s something to consider,” he agreed. “If one of us is willing to cross that kind of line so soon? I’d say no, there’s little to no chance of rehabilitation. I’d recommend prescription sterilizers and solitary confinement, myself.”
Of course, the look on his face said just how little Cal liked admitting that, and that was the humane option available. Even dwelling on it was unpleasant, and thankfully he didn’t have to. Not with something better to pick from Becka’s words. “If you wanted him dead, Becka, it’d just mean you were human. More folks’d want him hurting than not, I think more of them here do even,” Cal admitted, shaking his head at the lot of them. “But you don’t want a soul to suffer, not even if they’ve done you wrong, and that? That’s a heart so big I could see it without my glasses on, and I’m not the only one here who does. All of us who do... we’ve got your back here.”
Becka nodded at the advice, having fully planned to keep it to herself as much as possible. She wasn’t really sure how she would be able to, but so far only Wu, Cal, and Adam knew, as far as she knew, and she was hoping to keep it that way. She knew that she was going to have to leave this room eventually, but she would cross that bridge when she got to it in trying to figure out how to do that without anyone seeing where she was coming from. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she said with a faint smile at the offer. She hoped that she wouldn’t need to take him up on it. And she thought more people would be likely to knock on Cal’s door than Wu’s.
It was clear just how unpleasant Cal found the idea of what he’d recommend, but Becka couldn’t say she disagreed with it. What that man had done to her? It was the act of a deeply disturbed individual, and despite her optimism, she just didn’t think it was something that could be fixed. “It’s more humane than castration,” she murmured, not really wanting to dwell on it, but still wanting to show her agreement. She flinched just faintly at Cal’s words, shaking her head slightly and hugging her knees a little tighter. “That’s just it, a small part of me, a very small part, does want him to suffer somehow,” she admitted, the guilt at any part of her feeling that clear in her expression and tone. “And I hate feeling that, because it’s not me, and I know that most of me just wants him to not be able to do it again, but...” She trailed off, having to lift a hand to brush away a tear that had slipped from the corner of one eye.
Scooting around to put himself at Becka’s side, Cal shook his head gently as he hushed the unfinished sentence. Even if she hadn’t been violated, facing the dilemma of wanting something bad, even on such a small scale? It twisted the whole perspective around. And after what Becka had endured, it had to even make some kind of sense. “ ‘I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent’,” he quoted quietly. “I don’t think you need to be real familiar with Gandhi to already know that, either. You know that even if this guy suffered, and it felt good to that small part of you? It wouldn’t be good, jus’ satisfying. And more, it’d be a change from then on. Don’t listen to that part of you Becka, not even if it gets louder and seems like it’ll solve things. We all doubt, sometimes. What matters is if or when we let those doubts change our beliefs.”
Becka did actually know the quote, and she gave Cal a watery smile at it, nodding her head. “I know. I know,” she repeated. “I won’t listen to that part of me. I don’t want to. It’s not right. I’m just... angry and confused, and I’m trying to figure out what they were thinking when they designed this place that the locks are apparently pickable. Because I locked my door, I know I did, and then that makes me wonder, ‘why me?’ Because to go through the effort of breaking into my room... It wasn’t just opportunity. It was me, and...” She shook her head. She’d had too much time already to think about all of this, and her normally open nature apparently couldn’t pass up the opportunity to get it all out to someone she trusted to help her make any kind of sense out of all the things in her head.
Even if he didn’t sour entirely, the smile Cal had worn definitely faded at Becka’s musings. He reached up to run a hand along the back of his head slowly, looking off with a little sigh. “Knowing why won’t make it make sense,” he said softly. “Getting into the head of someone like that... it can’t fix anything. All you find in there’s pieces of broken lives, their own and the ones they ruin. Sometimes they don’t even see it.” Some people deserved a lifetime in a cage, nothing more. No doctors, no analysis, no visits. Inhumane as it was, Cal genuinely believed that some offenders were best sealed away and forgotten.
While she knew that he was right, it didn’t stop her from wanting to understand. How could she not want to? She’d always tried to be nice and welcoming, a friend to everyone she met that for someone to do this to her was something she just couldn’t understand. “I don’t want to know how many broken lives are in his wake. I just wish....” She couldn’t put that thought to words, still too angry at herself for being so scared and not looking once he’d let go of her. And so, she changed what she’d intended to say. “I just hope that they’ll be able to find out who it was, so they can stop him from doing this to someone else.”
“I do too,” Cal agreed quietly, silently hoping that Jae was wrong and he hadn’t ruined their chances of catching the offender. If someone else got hurt because he’d been trying to keep it from happening, if Becka never stopped looking over her shoulder? Well, Cal wasn’t sure he could process that. “Is there anything I can do for you, though?” he asked eventually, “Even if it’s just givin’ you time? Whatever you can think of, I’ll do my damndest to make it happen.”
It was nice of Cal to want to do something, and Becka did wish that she had any idea of what anyone could do, but she didn’t. Beyond Wu looking for her attacker, what could be done? “I don’t know. I don’t know what anyone can do. I wish I did. I can barely even figure out what I can do now,” she admitted. It was true, the mere thought of leaving this room and doing anything, of interacting with people like she’d tried to do this morning freaked her out, and she really had no idea where to go from here beyond waiting.
That wasn’t unexpected, really. It was too soon, too fresh a wound, and Cal would’ve been more worried if Becka had tried convincing him she was rallying already. Still, it was also frustrating to be in this spot again; wanting to help her and being powerless, just as Becka wanted to change the hopelessness, and had no options. “I’ll make my own plan, then,” Cal offered instead, “Gonna start simple with keepin’ an eye around the walkways at night, stoppin’ by to bring some lunch or something until you get sick of me bein’ pushy.” He grinned a little, leaning a shoulder into Becka for a moment. “And I’m sure Wu’ll keep you updated on the investigation, but if I hear anything new, I will too.” It wasn’t much, but that was the whole problem right now; there was nothing anyone could do that was.
Becka grinned just a little bit at that too, proud of herself in that she at least didn’t flinch when he leaned into her. “That’s probably a pretty good plan of action for right now,” she said. She kind of hated that she couldn’t bring herself to tell him bringing her food wasn’t necessary, because she just didn’t think she was brave enough to go down to the kitchen and risk having to interact with her attacker without even knowing it. “I haven’t heard any updates yet, but I just figured he was busy with it, and... Well, there’s not a whole lot to go off of, and yeah. I’m sure he’ll tell me if there’s anything to tell.”
Her faith in the old gangster was still an odd note to Cal, but he was seeing just how ardent Becka was in it now. Violet’s concerns were well-founded, and now Cal’s were right in there with them, topped with worry about what would happen if and when the behavior he knew Wu was capable of showed itself. Someone here had given in to old behavior in attacking Becka, Cal knew it. It wasn’t a first time offense, everything about it said otherwise, and what worried him the most was thinking of how it might be a catalyst. How it might trigger the others here into doing the same and embracing old habits, even if they thought they had reason... “I’ll hope that it’s soon, for all of our sakes,” Cal offered as he started to stand, “And I’ll touch base with a few people too, just in case someone else hears anything worth knowin’. Hell, maybe Wu’ll keep me in the loop. Doubt it, though, that guy didn’t say three words when I knocked on your old door.”
Becka’s eyes followed him as he started to stand, nodding in appreciation that he would try to look into finding out what anyone knew as well. If Wu didn’t keep her in the loop, then at least she could count on Cal to keep her updated. She did have to fight back a smile at his last words though. “Yeah, that sounds like Wu. He’s a man of few words,” she commented with some amusement. “I’ll... drink my milk and eat my cookies, and maybe tomorrow I’ll see about trying to make it down to the clinic for a little bit. Maybe.” She didn’t really think she would make it out of her room, but thinking that she might be able to try was a good thing, right?
Mirroring her amusement, Cal plucked a cookie free for himself before he stood fully upright again, nodding in encouragement. “Send word if you’re not feeling up to it, just so I know,” he asked, “And past that? I hope tomorrow’s better for you, whatever you decide to do with it.” But he knew better than to leave it to hope entirely, and that meant Cal had a whole other slate of work to consider now. He’d need to talk to Wu or Jae, maybe offer insight on the man they were hunting, and start putting together something like a treatment plan with the goal of helping Becka. It’d take time before it was even appropriate to suggest it, but what else did they have ahead of them? “Take care Becka, I’ll be in touch soon,” Cal said in parting.
“I will,” Becka assured him, ignoring the twinges of guilt at not having kept Cal in the loop at all before now. “Thanks.” She hoped it would be too, even if she really wasn’t sure how it would be. Unless they figured out who’d done this to her and sent him back to prison? And even then, what would it actually help? It wouldn’t stop him from hurting anyone else. No, Cal’s sterilization idea was the only humane thing she could think of that would keep him from doing that to anyone else. “Okay,” Becka said with a small smile, believing that Cal would do just that. She stood up to see him out, wanting to be sure to lock the door again after he left.