Feeling Fragmented
Characters: Edan and Matt Setting: Matt’s room, midday
The swim had helped clear her mind, at least somewhat, and Edan was feeling better as she wandered back to her room, ready to start the rest of her day. Or so she’d thought. She hadn’t expected the door to be open. She was sure she’d locked it. She always locked it.
That should have been a warning but she was wholly not prepared for the level of disaster her room was in. Bedding and clothes thrown everywhere, candles knocked out of place and strewn across the floor.
She stepped more into the room, eyes going wide at the sight of her bathroom, the tub full of the remains of books, the scrawling on the mirror. Guard dog? What guard dog? Looking around again she had a guess for who it was, who else, and suddenly Edan was very afraid. Pippa knew where she lived and she was threatening more.
Once that set in she was shutting the door behind her, locking it again, though feeling like that was pointless and starting upstairs straight away. Part of her wanted to go to Evan, but he was still upset with her. She’d ruined things with him and while he felt safe, there was someone else who always felt safer. When she arrived at Matt’s door she was still mostly just in a towel and her bathing suit, the frilly white one, hair still wet though pulled back off her face. Her knocks were hurried, as if Pippa might be lurking, waiting to jump out at her.
Matt had yet to leave his room having spent the morning firstly going through the photos he’d taken at the library and then, after the message from the administration, going over the journals to decide whom best to vote for. He was just considering going to look for something to eat when the knock came at his door, causing him to start and upset the glass of water he’d been drinking. Cursing, he grabbed the t-shirt he’d been wearing the day before off the floor and dropped it on the puddle before it had a chance to reach anything electrical. As a result, he was slightly harassed looking when he cracked open his door only to open it further when he saw Edan standing there in her bathing suit. “What the...Edan are y...you okay?” he asked.
“No,” Edan blurted, looking at him, noticing he was frazzled, but not feeling very put together herself either. She wrapped the towel around her more, but it was obvious she wasn’t wearing much at all. “I’m...my room...” She took a deep breath and tried to get herself in control. “My room was trashed.”
“What?!” Beckoning her inside, Matt closed the door behind them so they could speak without being overheard. “W....w....when? What happened exactly?”
Edan went in with him, relaxing her grip on the towel and letting it drop more as she shook her head. “This morning. I got stuck in B Block with Evan and Brady and this morning I got back and changed to go swim, try and get my day started better and then...when I got back from the pool my door was open and it was just...stuff everywhere.” She moved to sit on his bed, only barely holding the towel with one hand and looking at the floor. “And the books, the books you brought me when I was scared? Those were torn apart and in my shower and then there was a message scrawled on my mirror in lipstick. Something about calling off my guard dog. I don’t even...who could that be? Brady was with me all night and Evan...well Evan wouldn’t do something. I don’t think.”
Although a part of him dimly noticed the way even more of Edan was now on show, the rest was focused on what she had to say and as she went on, he felt his heart sink a little. There was no way it could be a coincidence and the targeting of the books just confirmed it. “It’s me,” he said quietly, for the first time regretting his actions in the library the previous night - he had expected consequences for sure but it hadn’t occurred to him that Pippa would target Edan rather than him.
Edan was chewing at her lip, thinking about if Evan would have done something after he left her the night before, but then Mat said something, almost too quiet for her to register it. Then it clicked and she looked at him, frowning. “What?”
Matt couldn’t look her in the eye in that moment, one hand nervously rubbing the back of his neck as he repeated himself. “It’s me, the guard dog. I m...mean that’s assuming that it’s P...Pippa who trashed...”
Edan opened her mouth once, then twice, not sure what to say. “I think it was her. Not sure who else it would be...” She looked at him, noting the way he wasn’t looking at her. “What did you do?”
It was faintly gratifying to know that her suspicion lined up with his but it did little to reassure him and began to pace in what little space there was in the room. “I was in the library during the blackout and she came in, making what I’m sure constitutes mischief in her eyes but I couldn’t get out of my head what she did to you, to the books.” Never mind the fact he had no proof of the matter, there was precious little that could convince him Pippa wasn’t the culprit. “She tried to bait me and I hit her...with a lamp.”
She was staring at him. She really was. Part of her wished she wasn’t but she couldn’t help it. “Matt...we aren’t even sure she did the books...and it wasn’t like I didn’t hurt her.” She touched her lower lip when he said that part at the end and she wasn’t sure what to say at all. “You hit her?”
“I’m sure,” he said, looking at her finally. “And yes I did. She crossed a line Edan and I wasn’t going to stand for that.” There was steel in his voice as he spoke and while he certainly wasn’t happy about what had happened as a result, there was nothing in his tone to suggest he thought he’d done anything wrong whatsoever.
Matt had never scared her before. Sure, she knew what he was in for, but he’d said he wasn’t violent and he wasn’t. He couldn’t touch her, when could he start hurting people, but here he was saying that he’d hit Pippa. With a lamp. “Matt...you can’t do that. It doesn’t solve anything. It’s not...there’s other things that could have been done.” Wasn’t there?
“So she should have just gotten away with it?” Matt asked incredulously. “The administrators knew what she did to you, the damage she did and they did nothing. Someone like Pippa isn’t going to stop so long as she thinks she’s getting away with it. Now she knows that she can’t, that there will be consequences.“
“So what exactly were you going to do Matt?” Edan asked. “Knock her out? Obviously it didn’t help. She trashed my room! Because she knows you did it for me.” The towel was forgotten as Edan got up to start pacing, not able to look at him. “I don’t need you to fight my fights for me.”
“Well I wasn’t go to kill her was I?” he said, anger seeping into his tone. Because he could have, Pippa had been unconscious, the power was out, if he wanted to he could have caved in her skull and no-one would’ve known he had done it. “But sometimes violence is necessary, that’s what you said isn’t it?” He couldn’t help but feel guilty though as Edan grew angry with him even if it was tempered with frustration. “And I’m not saying you do need me too but you’re willing to accept help from other people, why shouldn’t I? You’re important to me Edan!”
“Were you? Did you think about it?” Edan asked, stopping to turn and look at him. “Did you think about it?” She didn’t want to know, but suddenly she felt like she needed to know. The wall of her, pictures of her, some she didn’t know he’d taken, it was behind him, and she couldn’t help but look at it, not sure what to think for an instant. “And sure I can accept help, but I didn’t ask you to go hitting people Matt! What if you’d hurt her more than you thought? Then what? They take you away? Am I worth that?”
Matt frowned and took a step towards her. “Do you think I’m stupid?” he said, voice low and laced with steel. “The cameras were out Edan, no-one else was there, nobody would have known and no-one would have suspected. I knew what I was doing.”
Edan felt a chill shoot up her spine when he spoke, not sure what that meant. “N..no.” This time it was her turn to stutter, wanting to step back, but rooted where she stood. “But...” She couldn’t get her head around it, she couldn’t figure out what to ask him, what to say and instantly she wished she had the ice pick. Evan was right. She was going to walk herself into something dangerous wasn’t she?
She might have wished she had a weapon in that moment but that small stutter and the look on her face was enough to stop Matt in his tracks, his expression quickly turning to one of dismay at having provoked that reaction in her. “Oh God, Edan I...” He moved back from her until his back hit the wall. “I’m s..so sss...s...s..sorry.”
That just made Edan feel worse, one arm going around her waist protectively as she shook her head. “No, no it’s fine.” Did he know he’d scared her? Did he mean to? His reaction to her fear was an indicator that maybe he hadn’t meant to but she really wasn’t sure.
“No it’s not,” he said, shaking his head in turn. “I frightened you, I could see it.” He didn’t want to be a thing that scared her, someone she felt afraid of and yet thats what he had done. Sinking down to the ground, hands in his hair, his stomach began knotting itself with guilt and once more he found himself unable to look at her.
Edan didn’t know what to do. For a long moment she stared at him, not sure what was going on, but then she couldn’t handle how sad he looked, how miserable. Moving closer she knelt in front of him, hands out for him without touching him. “It’s fine. I just...I’ve not seen that side of you before.”
Matt could feel her proximity but made no move towards or away from her, eyes still down. “It’s n...n...not a side of me I’m very f...f...fond of,” he replied, voice barely above a whisper.
Edan wasn’t sure she believed that. Right now, yes, he wasn’t fond, but a few minutes before? That she doubted was the case. “It’s okay. We all have those.” She wanted to touch him and felt her fingers get that much closer to him, still not there, but close.
He looked up then, his eyes locking with hers. “It’s really not,” he said and, in a move that surprised himself, reached forward and caught hold of her hands, his fear buried beneath a flood of guilt and barely buried rage for the moment. Instead it had been replaced by a need for physical reassurance though whose benefit it was for he couldn’t say. “I don’t want you to feel scared around me.”
That he had her hands almost made her jump, almost had her pulling back, but thankfully she registered quickly enough not to, just curling her fingers around his where she could. “You feel scared around me all the time,” she countered, not wanting to try and discount the part where she’d been afraid, but not wanting him to focus on it.
“It’s not the same,” Matt told her, an instinct he wasn’t aware he had making his grip on her hands tighten. “And it’s not all the time.” Not letting go of her, he rolled forward so he was on his knees as well, aware of just how little space there was between them and for the time being, not caring. “I’m not scared now.”
Edan wasn’t sure what she was feeling as he gripped her hands tighter, or with him moving in closer, looking at her the way he was. “No?” she asked, not sure what else to say. She was distantly curious about when he wasn’t scared, what that meant, but there was little to think of beyond the blush she could feel creeping into the bare space of her chest, hot in her cheeks.
Even if Matt hadn’t been as observant as he was, being that close to Edan meant there was no way he could miss the way she was blushing and just where the blush was spreading them, for the first time truly realising just how little she was wearing. “No,” he said, a faint breathiness seeping into his voice.
“Oh.” Edan barely got the noise out, not sure what to make of the moment at all. Just a minute ago she’d been afraid of him, but now he was here, so close, making her completely unsure of what she should be doing. Evan was so right about her. So very. “What does that mean then?” she asked, voice barely there.
“I don’t know,” he told her, eyes locked on her face like somehow it might tell him the answer. “All I know for sure is that I like being around you and I don’t want to do anything to mess that up. Edan...” He let go of one of her hands then, raising it to cup against her cheek, unsure of what to say next.
He was touching her in ways she’d waited for him to touch her since the first time he’d been close to her and that was all Edan could think about it. Leaning into his hand a little she nodded slightly, but not enough to move out of his touch. “Just don’t do something like that again...” she said softly, reaching for his shirt to pull him just a tiny bit closer.
Matt wanted to tell her that he wouldn’t but the all too vivid spectre of Pippa and what she’d done to Edan’s room, what she might do in future loomed in his mind. He didn’t want to lie either so he did the only thing he could think of while he had the courage to do it, pulling her face towards him and kissing her.
For an instant it bothered her that he didn’t answer. It worried her what that might mean, what he was capable of in her name, but then he was kissing her and that was all she could think about. Pushing more up on her knees, Edan kissed him back and her fingers tightened in his shirt, moving all of herself, just a tiny bit closer to him.
As Edan moved closer, he expected to be struck with the debilitating fear that came with such close contact but it didn’t come, held at bay for the time being by adrenaline and the storm of other emotions rolling through his mind. In fact he was spurred on by the way she kissed him back and the iron grip she had on his shirt, letting go of her other hand to wrap his arm around her waist, fingers splaying across the bare skin of her back.
Edan felt her skin heat up under his touch and it earned him a soft noise into the kiss. Something blinked in the back of her mind, that he could pull away drastically, realize what he was doing and end it, but it didn’t stop her from deepening the kiss. Everything about her body language was positive, that everything he was doing was right.
The more she encouraged him and the longer the kiss went on, the easier it was for Matt to forget about Pippa and the trouble that the woman had created in her wake. Instead his focus was on Edan and the small noises she was making, the way her skin felt beneath his fingers and with her hands caught between them, he didn’t need to worry that she might touch him somewhere unexpected and send the moment screeching to a halt. Emboldened by that fact and wanting to make the most of things while he could, he tugged her forward that last little remaining distance so her body was flush against his.
Part of her, a very quiet, easily ignored part, was sure something here wasn't right. Hadn't she been upset with him? Hadn't he done something she wasn't sure she could forgive? And though that niggling thought was there, it was shoved away when she found herself pressed against him. It was a vulnerable place to be in, but at the same time that kiss was like gasoline on a fire. She'd wanted this more right? To feel close to someone again, to feel connected. As much as it should have? Nothing else mattered. Just Matt, the kiss, and him, warm against her.
He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, knelt up against one another with Edan soft and warm in his arms as they kissed but eventually he had to pull back a little if only to breathe, his hands for the moment still wrapped around her. He felt like he should say something but words failed him and instead, he just looked at her as if her face might hold some kind of answer.
When he pulled back Edan's breath was heavier, trying to catch up from the kiss. Her senses came back slightly as well and she could all but see Asher rolling his eyes at her for falling into that kiss so easily. But Matt's arm still held her close and Edan didn't want that to change. "Wow," she managed, tiny smile on her lips, fingers twisting around his shirt more. "I was worried you'd never..." She trailed off not wanting to actually tell him she thought he'd never kiss her again.
Matt had an idea of what it was she hadn’t said and for a moment he stayed silent, the hand that still cupped her face moving to brush some errant hair back from her face before sliding to the side of her neck. “Never say never Edan,” he said quietly, offering her a small smile of his own.
His face, full of anger, from just moments before flashed in front of her eyes when his hand moved to her neck, but she didn't flinch. Not more than the internal one, as if waiting for something that didn't happen. "I know. I got worried that's all."
She may have been able to contain her reaction but with his gaze so intent on her face, Matt could tell something was amiss and the smile he'd been wearing fell away. "What is it?" he asked, face quickly lining with concern.
Edan was torn between two fears. One that she might upset him again and this close to him he might hurt her, the other that he might pull away and they'd be back to square one. They weren't even remotely related but telling the truth was bound to bring about one or the other, so Edan went with option three. "I thought you were going to kiss me again," she lied, soft smirk, just for him.
If he could have known what she was thinking, that she genuinely thought that he might hurt her, Matt would have been devastated. Instead though he had the lie Edan offered him and enough trust in her that he took it as truth, ensnared by both it and the look she gave him. “Is that what you want?” he said, thumb gently brushing along her jaw.
That touch was distracting from her fears, leaving her eyes fluttering shut with a minute sigh. "Mmhmm," she said though it wasn't quite a word. Even with the fear, she wanted him to kiss her again. And again. That she could understand and handle. Then rest was too much to deal with right now.
He may have successfully been distracting Edan from her own fears but that moment of doubt and worry when he'd seen something he couldn't place had put a crack in the barrier he'd put between himself and his fear, one that no amount of encouragement from Edan would be able to fix. Before it had a chance to overwhelm him, he quickly pulled their lips together again, ostensibly for her benefit but also for himself, wanting to relish in the contact before his brain rebelled against him.
This kiss seemed different from the first, but she still fell into it, kissing him back hard, staying close to him. The difference worried her and part of her was busy trying to steel herself against the inevitable end, but it didn't show in the way she kissed him. No she was kissing him quite like they would be at this all day, sitting on his floor, his hands on her bare skin.
In contrast, there was an almost manic quality to the way Matt was kissing her, something barely restrained and for a short while his grip on her waist tightened and he kissed her like he wouldn't get another chance to. Passion battled with desperation until the last possible moment and then he pulled back, not going so far as to move away but instead sitting back on his heels, his hand on her cheek the last bit of contact between them before that too was then removed.
The grip he had on her alternated between terrifying and intoxicating, but Edan didn't fight it. Maybe Evan was right. Maybe she was crazy. And then it ended. It took all her will to let go of his shirt, to not try and keep him closer, but she did as he sat back. For a moment she was frozen and then she mimicked his movements, sitting more on her heels, cheeks flushed and breath shallow, but her eyes stayed on him waiting for what came next.
At first there was only silence, the only sound in the room being the two of them breathing until finally Matt broke through it with the only thing he could think to say, even if he’d already said it once to her already. This time however his voice was soft and steady and his eyes stayed on her. “I’m sorry what I did upset you, that I upset you. Maybe you’re right and I shouldn’t have done what I did but I h...h...hope you realise it didn’t come from a bad place.”
Did she realize that? Edan wasn't sure. Nonetheless she nodded, one hand going towards his cheek but stopping short. "It's alright. Things can't always be perfect." The next set of words slipped out before she could stop them and actually think them through. "Can I stay with you tonight?"
It wasn’t the best response he could have hoped for but it was a long way from the worst and he managed to offer her a half smile in return though she may have been more moved by the fact he made no attempt to avoid her touch when she reached for him. As for her request, he didn’t have to give that any thought, quickly nodding his head in agreement. “Of c....course you can,” he told her earnestly, having already intended to make the offer himself, not liking the idea of her going back to her room after what had happened. “If you like, I can go back to your room and get some things so you don’t have to, try to tidy a little if you don’t object?”
She noticed he didn't shy away and she wondered if she could touch him. If he wouldn't fight it. "Thanks, but you don't have to do that. I'd hate for you to clean things up when I should probably do that myself."
"Perhaps I don't have to but I want to," he countered, voice still gentle. "I am more than partly responsible after all." Besides which, he had every intention of letting someone know what Pippa had, his thoughts turning to Jae who had made such a compelling case on the journals for being their law enforcement and wondering if she'd be willing to make an early start.
Edan let out a breath and nodded. "Only if you're sure." She looked down at herself, blushing slightly. "I could use a change of clothes." She hated that he was partially responsible, but it was true and she couldn't quite argue with it. And she didn't want to go back there right now. Not with the feeling that anyone could walk in.
Matt nodded his assent only to glance down at her comment and blush in turn. “Ah yes,” he said, forcing his eyes back up to hers and away from the...distracting view of her swimsuit. “N...n....not that you look bad or anything but for the sake of practicality.” Realising he was starting to babble, he quickly looked away to the wardrobe. “I can lend you something in the meanwhile if you’re cold, if you want to I mean. You can stay like that if you want, I don’t mind, I just want you to be comfortable...” Yes, he was definitely entering ‘babble’ mode.
Edan bit her lip against a smile, watching him. “Well, just so long as you like it,” she said softly because that really was how she felt. It was clearly insane, and in the back of her mind she was thinking she needed to apologize to Evan because she might actually be crazy. “I could probably use something for now yeah. I’m a little chilly.” Without him as close to her as he had been.
"I like you," he stressed, managing to smile despite his blush. Rolling back onto his feet, he stood up and went the wardrobe. Quickly glancing at its contents, he tugged out a long sleeved shirt and the soft workout pants they'd given him that he'd yet to wear and offered them towards her. "I hope these will be okay."
Edan waited a moment before she got up to follow after him. "You're allowed to like the suit too. With or without liking me," she pointed out before taking the offered clothes and nodding. "This'll be fine." She paused for a moment then looked at him for a moment before looking at the floor. "Tonight, if you're not feeling afraid again...you don't have to sleep on the couch. We could share."
Matt looked from her to the narrow bed and had to swallow the beginnings of a panicked reaction to the notion of sharing such a small space with someone, even if that someone was Edan. Instead he steeled himself and with the lightest of touches, lifted her chin so their eyes could meet. "I won't make a promise if I don't know I'll be able to honour," he said softly. "But I'm not saying definitely not either."
That he was touching her again surprised her and she gave him a little smile. "Well, the offers is there." She wanted to kiss him again, and caught herself drifting closer again. "I understand either way."
“That’s good to know,” he replied, returning the smile. “On both counts.” To his credit, he managed not to pull away as she came closer either even though a part of him screamed desperately for him to do so.
Edan let out a breath, but didn't move closer. He wasn't making another move and she was learning to let him do that much. She pulled the shirt on and nodded towards his bed. "Is it okay if I lay down for a bit? I only barely slept last night. While you're downstairs you know?"
“Go ahead,” he said, stepping aside so her path to the bed was clear. He debated with himself for a moment before adding “Do you object to me telling someone what happened? I think it’s important that other people are aware of what Pippa is capable of.”
Edan sat on the edge of his bed, looking up at him, and shrugging. "I don't see why not. I was going to tell Evan. Who were you thinking?"
Relieved she didn't object even if it was quickly dashed by the mention of Evan, Matt struggled to keep his face impassive. "Jae, the woman put forward for law enforcement," he explained, heading over to the computer and sitting down with the intention of sending her a message. "She made a post earlier talking about why she thinks she'd be good for the role and she more than convinced me."
Edan laid down on her side but stayed where she could see Matt at his desk. "Makes sense. Are you going to tell her about...what you did?"
“Most likely,” he told her, nudging his mouse to bring the computer back to life. “I certainly don’t intend to lie about it.” And his mind he still held the belief that he had done nothing to the blonde woman she hadn’t entirely deserved. “Will you be okay with Jae coming to speak to you? I plan to tell her about what happened in the laundry room and I imagine she’ll want your take on what happened.”
"What if you get in trouble?" She asked him, eyes still on him even though the exhaustion was starting to set in. Too much in one long day. "That's fine. I imagine she would want to know." She agreed with a nod.
"Then I get in trouble," Matt shrugged his shoulders, apparently unfazed by the prospect. “I’m willing to accept the consequences of my actions Edan,” he told her, voice gentle as he turned to look at his computer. After all, it was the reason he was in prison in the first place - he wasn’t a man who ran away from his misdeeds, regardless of how noble the motivation behind them.
Edan was quiet, not answering again. She thought that made sense. That he wanted to own up, she just didn't want to see him in the stocks. "Okay," she finally said closing her eyes.
The tone in her voice had him glancing back at her only for him to smile at the sight of her laying there with her eyes shut. Standing up, he drew the curtain closed as quietly as he could then set about sending his message with a murmur of “Sleep well Edan,” passing over his lips as he did so.