Sharing Nightmares Characters: Kyle and Adam Setting: Adam's room
Adam left Cal, feeling somewhere between better and worse and was headed straight for his room again, but the crunching of glass under his feet had him stopping. The bar was trashed, like really trashed and though he wasn’t really interested in cleaning it, he couldn’t leave with glass all over the floor and wound up sweeping up the worst of it. There weren’t nearly as many bottles left as there had been, which was almost depressing. It would suck to get a bartending job, then no longer have a bar to tend.
Leaving it better than he found it, even if he was tempted to grab a bottle to take to Kyle later, he was headed back up to his room. The messages helped keep his mind off everything, but he jumped at the offer to see Kyle, starting down to his room once it wasn’t like he was running down there immediately. Though maybe Kyle wouldn’t mind that. He knocked, smiling at the prospect of spending time with his friend, a distraction from the band-aid on his arm from the shot from Cal, and everything that came with it. Or so he was thinking right up until he remembered the conversation with Wren from the night before. How she was so sure that he liked Kyle. That sent his mind spiralling out of control, and it was written all over his face.
"One minute!" The call came from inside the room and there was the sounds of things being shifted around before a slightly breathless Kyle opened the door. As soon as he saw it was Adam, he moved to stand in the doorway, leaning on the doorjamb, his hand holding the door so that he was effectively blocking the way into his room. The artist smiled, seeming entirely oblivious to the streak of glue on his right cheek, flecks of silver glitter stuck in place as though he'd swiped at his face with a glittery finger at some point. "Hi," he said, before the smile dropped as he saw the look on Adam's face. "Oh my god - what's wrong?" he asked, all his bits and pieces and ideas forgotten with sudden concern for his friend. "Is everything okay?" Kyle wasn't sure how to take the expression on Adam's face, but he knew the other man did not look happy.
It was some sort of sad paradox or vicious cycle maybe, but just the site of Kyle, glue and glitter streaked across his face was both distracting and circling Adam back around to where he started, mixed emotions swirling in his head. Sure, he noticed that Kyle was effectively blocking access to his room, but he wasn't in a place where he could comment on it. "No?" It should have been a statement, but it came out a question, because if he was honest with himself, Adam wasn't sure. "You have..." Adam couldn't stop the loud voice in his head that demanded it and while he knew it might not be received well, his thumb brushed at the glitter on Kyle's face, trying to wipe it away.
Kyle jumped slightly as Adam touched his face. "What?" He looked down and caught sight of the glitter, immediately realising what it was. "Oh! Oh - I was just... There's been things. My room's worse than usual - we should go to yours. Plus, you owe me a door, right!" he said, speaking ten to the dozen and all but ushering Adam back away from his room, grabbing his keys and locking the door behind him. Only a guy with a naturally innocent face could manage to not look entirely guilty in that moment. Kyle was that guy - his voice was less than smooth and innocent though. He was hoping Adam would simply not notice.
"There's a worse?" Adam asked. Kyle's room was usually cluttered with projects but worse seemed like a stretch. He couldn't quite help trying to look over Kyle's head to see inside but no such luck. As for his voice, Adam caught that too, but beyond a look that said it, Adam didn't call him out on it. "I do owe you a door," he said taking one backwards step, then starting that way.
Kyle took a breath and shook himself out as soon as Adam's back was turned, forcing himself into more of an equilibrium. He was going to give the whole thing away if he wasn't careful and he really wanted to go through with the plan he and Wren had concocted over the journals. Even if he would admit to being a little nervous as to how Adam would take it.
He took a couple of strides and caught up with the other guy. "You've never seen glitter around my room before, clearly," he pointed out. "Trust me: there's a worse. So, how are you? You didn't sound totally convinced when I asked if there was anything wrong," he prompted.
Adam looked at the glitter stuck to his hands, making a face. "Are you going to be sparkly from here on out then?" He asked looking back as Kyle caught up with him. At Kyle's prompt, Adam went quiet for a moment. "Because I'm not? Sort of..all over the map." His hand went to the inside of his arm, where he'd gotten the shot, scratching lightly at a place that didn't actually itch.
"Being sparkly isn't on my list of things to do, no. So, aside from a few flakes, hopefully this'll be it. I just had something in mind I'm working on." He paused and looked down at Adam's hand. "I'd wash that as soon as I could though - the damn stuff tends to spread. But - tell me about all over the map. Or, if you'd rather, wait until we get back to your room, and then tell me about all over the place." His tone spoke clearly, but kindly, that there wouldn't be any getting out of talking about it, regardless of the location chosen.
"I am slightly relieved that being sparkly wasn't your plan," Adam said with a smile as he started up the stairs to his room. "Does it multiple too?" he asked about the glitter on his hand but made a note to wash it off when he got to his room. "Might be best suited for after we get back to my room," Adam said. "But it starts with going to see Cal this morning."
"Glitter breeds in my experience - I try and avoid it as much as possible, but some things just call for the stuff." When Adam mentioned Cal, Kyle missed a step, then caught up. "..And you're not smiling. Why are you not smiling?" Kyle asked, sounding worried. His mind immediately started to list all the things that could be wrong. All the things he'd considered for himself only yesterday.
"Am I not supposed to ask what you are working on that would need glitter?" Adam asked. He found himself looking back at Kyle again, more checking to make sure he was okay than anything else. "Because it wasn't all good news?"
Kyle arched an eyebrow. "You rarely ask what I'm working on that needs paint," he said, easily. They both knew that that wasn't quite the case: Adam had asked about some of his works when he'd been round before, but Kyle was hoping to suggest that his use of glitter was nothing particularly out of the ordinary and just another 'artist' thing. "How much 'not all good news'?" he asked, then shook his head. "No - no - don't answer that. let's get to your room first," he said, decisively, picking up the pace and moving ahead of Adam. He knew that he wouldn't want to answer that question in public, so why would Adam. Especially when their conversations had been overheard before.
"You're rarely keeping me out of your room when you're painting," Adam countered. "But I guess I should ask more often what you're working on." He felt bad about that part, where Kyle felt like he didn't ask enough. As Kyle assumed, he really didn't want it getting around that he was sick, so he was quiet until they got to his door unlocking it for Kyle. His room still looked plain, minus the giant door against a free wall and Kyle's painting on his desk. He hasn't had a lot in prison, especially when things went missing after his stints in solitary, so there wasn't much to bring with him. Closing the door behind them, Adam leaned on it and shrugged. "I didn't get a clean bill of health."
"You don't have to ask," Kyle said, breezily, feeling like he was doing a lot better at covering things up now that they were further from his room. "You ask, and you really run the risk that I might actually tell you. I can get quite... involved," he warned, though there was nothing really behind it. He fell into silence then, following Adam to his room and turning to his friend as he closed the door. He blanched when he received the news, though he had been anticipating it. "I... And?" he asked, his voice slightly unsteady. God, but in these situations he always had to imagine the worst things going.
Adam could think of worse things than Kyle prattling on about his art, but that sounded an awful lot like something that Wren would flag as a sign about how he felt, so he kept it to himself. Looking up at Kyle he saw that face and pushed off the wall, moving closer to Kyle, trying to be reassuring. "It's not that bad," he said quickly. "You look like you're already planning my funeral." He wanted to do more, something to get that waver out of Kyle's voice. What he could do though wasn't quite coming to him so he settled for just standing closer. "Chlamydia. Cal already gave me a shot to take care of it."
“Chlamydia? And.. A shot? That’s it? That’s all - there’s... There’s nothing else? I mean - you don’t have, that is, I mean... He’s - it’s, that’s... Oh God, that’s great,” Kyle said, giving up on words and throwing himself into Adam’s arms, hugging him fiercely for a moment, before he remembered himself and pulled away, dropping his arms to the side and taking a step back. He was still smiling though. “God - in the scheme of things... Hell - it could have been a lot worse. If you’d - God Adam, I couldn’t have... Sorry, I just - I’m glad it was nothing worse, if it had to be anything at all.”
Adam was trying to hide a laugh at Kyle's failed attempts at a complete sentence, but then Kyle was hugging him and for once he wasn't sure at all what to do with himself. He was torn between the surprised contact catching him off guard and the part of him that enjoyed it. It wasn't that. Even if...well there were worse choices than Kyle for sure. But it ended too soon, before Adam could react properly. "I know, I know. I mean, I shouldn't really jump into bed with anyone for a couple of days I figure, but since there aren't any options for that, I doubt it would be an issue." He paused for a moment, tucking his hands back in his pockets so he didn't try and hug Kyle again. "It makes it real though. Just...one more thing..." One more thing taken away, one more trauma. "You couldn't what? If it was worse?" He asked instead, latching on to something Kyle had stammered through.
Kyle swallowed and tried to marshall his words. He had babbled far too much today. “I would have hated it,” he said, again attempting for a lack of dramatics. That was his theme for the day - don’t massively overreact to things. If he started that, then everything felt like it would come tumbling down. “After living through the possibility for Lee, for me - and coming up clean there. If you’d had something more - it feels like it wouldn’t have been fair. The world would have been unfair.” Okay, possibly that was a little bit of a dramatic way of putting it.
"You know I don't care when you babble," Adam reassured, because it was obvious with the hesitation that Kyle was probably trying to get that under control. "The world is unfair," he added moving to sit on his bed. It didn't look slept in again, but at least this time he had an excuse. He'd slept fitfully with Wren and Charlie instead of in his own room.
Kyle hesitated for a moment, then went to sit on the bed with Adam, just an arm’s length away from him. “I know the world can be unfair - but I prefer it when it’s not. I like it when things make sense. And - I know we talked about it before. And I just - When I said ‘I couldn’t’, I don’t mean like I would have dropped you or anything. I told you - there’s nothing that would stop me from having you around. You’re my best friend. The best friend I’ve had in a long time,” he admitted.
That got a smile out of Adam despite his sense that the world wasn't fair, even in the moments when it made sense. "I know you wouldn't. Just like I won't drop you. I was trying to explain explain that to Wren last night and she wound up thinking it sounded more like..." Adam caught himself before he said it, cheeks heating slightly as he shook his head. "Just that...I like your flaws too. There's little that would scare me off."
Kyle gave a small smile, figuring he knew exactly how Wren would have taken that, but saying nothing on it. He wouldn't, not unless Adam pressed the point. In the meantime he would sidestep and deflect. "I think we both need a friend. Just..." He paused. “Try not to do anything that gets you taken away, and okay," he said, his face falling.
Adam was glad Kyle didn't press because really? How did he tell his best friend that while he was sure Wren was off, there were moment when he wasn't sure. That wouldn't go over well. Not when Kyle was saying they both needed a friend. And he'd tried the more than friends thing and it failed before it started. He didn't want to lose Kyle the same way he lost Becka. While it wasn't a good thing, the change in Kyle's expression was a welcome topic change. "You know I won't." Shifting closer, he met Kyle's eyes. "How are you doing? Honestly?"
"Well, I've decided that under no circumstances am I going to throw a drama queen fit," Kyle told him. "But... I'm kinda feeling like wily coyote, just after he looked down. I thought there was ground beneath me, but clearly I was wrong."
"If you really wanted to throw a drama queen fit you could, just you know, only in here. If you need to get it out I will...listen? Is listen right?" Adam tried for a smile, but took a deep breath and let it out before moving on. "I can see that...you really liked him."
"I did, but.... I also hardly knew him. That's like the best and the worst of all of this. The best because maybe it's better this way. Maybe it would all have come to nothing. Maybe we would have just been, I don't know... Not worth it. I mean, it was hardly love at first sight. Hell, just for all I know, he had no intention of taking me back. For all I know, that's why they removed him. But, at the same time, he I don't know. So I'm left with this disappointing feeling of lost potential. And I'm left with this scary realisation that people can just... Disappear." He paused. “Forgive me of I suddenly get clingy."
Adam listened and really, he understood. It would have been the same if something had happened to Becka. "There might another potential, if that's what you want." He was trying to be helpful and definitely ignoring the voice that was saying his name in the back of his mind. "I worry about that too. With like, Mazie and her undying need to start a revolution." For an instant he froze at Kyle's comment, but then shook his head. "You really couldn't get too clingy."
Kyle froze for a moment, his eyes roaming over Adam's face, trying to gauge what he meant by 'potential'. "I, erm... I think maybe it's too soon to even be thinking about anyone else," he said, carefully.
The moment Adam felt the sting of that comment he really wished Wren had kept her mouth shut. He wouldn't have instantly put it into the context of being shot down if she hadn’t put that idea there. "Right, yeah of course." He looked away from Kyle trying to seem casual but the fidgeting hand over his head gave away some of his discomfort. "Plus, you don't want to look like a slut right?" The joke was easier than anything else and it helped him cover everything else properly, smiling as he glanced at Kyle.
Kyle looked away. “No. No - we couldn’t have that, could we,” he said, though his voice was unusually devoid of expression. It was clear that Adam had touched a nerve with that comment. After a moment, though, Kyle shrugged it off, making a concerted effort not to dwell. “You worry about Mazie?” he asked. And if that wasn’t a blatant effort to change the subject, nothing was.
That hurt worse than the obvious turn down and Adam didn't know what to do. After a moment though he settled for letting his shoulder bump against Kyle's. "Yeah I do."
"I still haven't met her," Kyle commented.
That got something close to a smile out of Adam. "You should. She's interesting, sometimes intense, but I like her a lot. She's been a good friend when I needed one. It takes a certain type of person to not freak out when you wake her up screaming from nightmares."
That got something close to a smile out of Adam. "You should. She's interesting, sometimes intense, but I like her a lot. She's been a good friend when I needed one. It takes a certain type of person to not freak out when you wake her up screaming from nightmares."
"I guess so," Kyle said, attempting to return Adam's smile. He still felt off from the earlier comment, even though he was firmly telling himself that Adam hadn't meant it like that. Hell, Adam didn't know enough about his history to be able to mean it like that. It had just been a careless comment, a joke, and what Kyle knew he needed to do was suck it up and get his head back in the game.
It wasn't getting better. Kyle was still upset and Adam realized they couldn't just gloss over things. "Look I didn't...it wouldn't make you a slut if you wanted to be with someone else. I know you're not...we're best friends right? So it's fine. I'm not even sure what it is or whatever I just felt like...for a second it sucked and...you aren't. Just do what you want or what feels right and if anyone judges you then screw 'um." It was his turn to babble, trying to to talk around things and mostly just blabbering. "I'm sorry." If all else fails, apologize.
"Don't apologise," Kyle said, automatically. He then sighed, realising that that was now an automatic reaction and probably held far less weight as such. "No - really, please don't apologise. It's not - I know you didn't mean it. Just my issues that I need to get over and stop projecting. I know you don't think of me like that," he said, ignoring the suggestions that Adam had said what he said for his own reasons. No need to make things more complicated.
Adam watched Kyle for a breath. There was no missing the parts that Kyle had ignored but Adam wasn't feeling a need to talk about them so why bring them up? "Or you could tell me about your issues so I can stop stomping on them like some sort of clueless ass. I might even be able to help you get over them."
Kyle shrugged. "Yeah, but my issues are related to your issues. And I don't want to be, like, trigger anything for you or anything. We said that one day we'd get drunk and talk about things, but you weren't ready to exchange nightmares. Not gonna push you to do that." Kyle told him.
Adam frowned more and shook his head. "But isn't that why we should talk more about it? Like group therapy or whatever?" Cal had said something about that, that the point of group therapy was to help others work through similar issues. "And if you'd rather get drunk about it and talk, then sure. Name the moment. I can't...I don't think I can keep avoiding the nightmares. I'm gonna talk to Cal more, about that stuff but..." He looked at Kyle, studying his face for a moment. "If it won't scare you off, I could tell you too. I'd rather you know then me accidentally flip out on you and you think I don't want you close."
Kyle smiled kindly. "Adam, it wasn't me who minded talking about things," he reminded his friend. "So, when we talk about things will be on your time schedule, not mine. I'm here and ready to talk whenever you want me."
Adam looked something close to bashful then nodded. "I just don't want to change the way you look at me." He let out a soft sigh then glanced at his friend. "But I should tell you things, if only so you know. So you get it when things get completely screwed up for me. And I want to know about you too, without the stigma that it might shake me up too much."
Kyle nodded. "I get that," he said. "Not wanting to change the way someone looks at you. But maybe if they don't know the whole truth, they're not looking at you at all. Or maybe it won't make a blind bit of difference," Kyle suggested in a tone that said clearly that in his case he thought it would be the latter. After all, he figured he had a pretty good idea of what had happened to Adam already. How he thought Adam would see him however was less clear.
Adam watched Kyle again, feeling reassured by the comment about whatever Adam might say not mattering. Cal had said specifically to let Kyle have his back and maybe that's what this was. Slipping out of his shoes, he slid back more on the bed, so he could lean against the wall. There was a clear hesitation at first, but after it he pulled at Kyle's shirt. Sure, it was a trigger topic, but part of Adam wanted the comfort of Kyle at least sitting closer. "So you know how I got to prison, how I don't remember hurting that girl, all of that. Part of the nightmares are that. They had me locked in a room after they arrested me for however long they can keep you, showing me the crime scene photos, her body mangled, bloody, bruises..." He paused for a moment, trying to catch his breath and ward off the visual memories that came no matter what. "It was awful. I was sick...multiple times. What I remembered of her was a completely different girl, and they were saying all these things I did.. And at night it's like...like my imagination tries to fill in the gaps. I've even had dreams where she's mangled and talking to me. It's...awful."
When Adam pulled at him, Kyle kicked off his shoes and settled back next to the other man, not quite touching, but not keeping the distance he would have done under different circumstances either. Right now didn’t have any of those implications or messages. Proximity was about comfort and support and the only distance needed was that Adam would be comfortable with. Kyle wasn’t exactly sure what that would be, so he settled on close, but not touching as he gave his friend the space to tell his story.
It really did feel better to have Kyle close, not just because of the host of feelings that Adam couldn't define, but because Kyle had become his best friend. It wasn't as obvious though with the fidget that took over, tugging at the hem of his shirt, the symptoms of quitting a slightly more than recreational drug habit use starting to show. "Those started in prison. And I...I was hated for it. More than once they took me out of gen pop because I was a pain in everyone's ass. I didn't talk much, trying to keep to myself, but people found out what I was in for. It scared some of them, since I look the way I do and all but others thought I was terrible. It came out that Ella was a good couple years younger than me and that didn't help matters. I was a target." He let out a breath, trying to get his wits about him. "The first time was just because I was smaller, maybe even just better looking. He was probably three times my size, I didn't stand a chance. Another time, that was to intimidate me. Shoving me into the wall in the showers, asking if it was how I thought she felt." Adam's words halted in a hitch, which left him wincing. "And once more. I wouldn't talk, wouldn't point fingers which meant solitary after every time, half for my own protection, half as punishment." His voice shook as he spoke betraying far more than his face. "The nightmares got a new spin after the first time. So I stopped sleeping."
When Adam started to fidget, Kyle reached out a hand, placing it on top of Adam’s lightly. Not enough to hold him in place, just enough to still his twitching, if he was allowed to. Just contact. He still didn’t try and interrupt though, knowing that Adam needed the time to tell his story.
The contact distracted Adam for a moment, not able to really hide the flinch, but he didn't pull away. Watching Kyle's hand instead of his face, he kept going, letting his fingers turn words his hand, holding it more than just stilling under it. The twitch was gone at least. "And now I alternate between dreaming I've killed someone and either reliving the attacks or trying to run away. Or coming up with the thousands of ways I could have defended myself beyond not crying and breaking like they wanted me to. There were days in prison where I was sure I was crazy. Once, the guards found me after and I was laughing. Laying on the floor of the showers laughing. Like it was some joke." He made a noise, something almost a laugh but there was no humor there. "I still have the dreams here. I still have nightmares or don't sleep." It took everything to look up at Kyle, watching those bright blue eyes. "So there you go."
Even though he didn't come right out and say the word, Kyle knew what Adam meant. Putting a name to it wasn't necessary, and the artist wasn't going to force the issue. Instead, he turned the subject to himself, to give Adam a break. "For me, it was... consensual. Of a type, anyhow," he said with an empty shrug, his eyes ticking to focus just above Adam's head, so he didn't have to look the other man in the eyes. He wasn't proud of his decisions, but then again, Leandro had pointed out that a choice without options was no real choice at all. "It didn't take me long to realise that I wasn't going to last on my own in prison. Nineteen, skinny, rich kid, never done a day's 'real' work in his life... I was a target just because of who I was. It didn't matter what I'd done.
"My cellmate was this big guy. Lifer. Built like a tank. Took a liking to me pretty much straight away. And after I took a beating my third day there, he hauled them off me and that night he made me an offer. Simple, really - nobody would touch me. Nobody would come near me. Not without his permission. But that kind of protection came at a price. Price was that I was his. I did what he said, when he said it, without question. And... I agreed." That had been how it had started, anyhow.
As Kyle spoke Adam turned his hand so he was holding Kyle's more, fingers lightly curved around his. It might not be the right thing, or maybe he should have done something else, but he wanted to give that support even if his own body was rebelling. Holding Kyle's hand was the best he could do.
He didn't interrupt his friend, waiting to see if there was more, but some things did click into place. Like why Kyle hated being protected. Why he'd freaked out on Leandro about being owned.
"It wasn't too bad at first," Kyle said, still staring at the same spot, not reacting to Adam's show of support. It helped, to distance himself a little. "I mean... It was doable. He didn't hurt me, and he made sure everyone else kept a distance. Physically, anyway. Verbally, well... I'd never been treated like I was less than nothing before. Any self-respect I had went out the window pretty quickly. Followed by any real sense of self at all. I switched off. Told myself that I was just doing what I had to do. That I deserved this - it was all part of my punishment for what I'd done." He took a breath. "And then, after a few months, he started loaning me out to other guys."
Kyle had been better at staying quiet and listening. Adam was having to bite his lip not to blurt out things, but one still slipped through. "No one deserves that, especially not you." Criminal or not Kyle deserved better. Better than Adam did, better than most. He squeezed his fingers a little more, showing that he was still there.
Kyle dropped his eyes to look at Adam then. The beginnings of redness were starting to appear around the edges, though his eyes were still dry. "Why do people always seem to think that about me?" he asked. "That for some reason I deserve better than other people? You told me that Leandro was wrong to put me on a pedestal, to think that bad things couldn't and shouldn't happen to me. Don't you do the same thing."
"I'd never say bad things couldn't happen to you. That they shouldn't yes, but not that they couldn't. Bad things happen to good people all the time." Adam watch Kyle, torn between wanting to touch him more and not being sure he could handle it himself. "I don't want bad things to happen to you because I care about you. But I know that bad things happened. I know there's broken parts of you. And sometimes, I like those parts best."
"I'm not a good person, Adam. I want to be. I'm trying harder to be. But I wasn't. I'm not like you - I killed someone. I definitely killed someone. It's not like I can't remember what happened, or there's things I can't recall. I killed someone - that doesn't usually go on the list of 'things that make up a good person'," Kyle told him, looking away again. He didn't feel up to dealing with Adam's comments about what he liked. Right now he felt like he would just ruin things if he did. he would either snap and upset his friend, or he'd push the guy into a corner until he would have to face up to an explanation.
"Just because I don't remember doesn't make me innocent. She was there with me. The last thing I do remember was hooking up with her. Even if...if for some reason I didn't do it? It's my fault she was in that situation in the first place. The party was for my birthday, she hooked up with me instead of going home with her friends." Adam looked at his hands, his voice going quieter. "Feeling guilty about it is a sign that you're not all bad."
"Then, we're agreed, whatever the facts - neither of us are innocent," Kyle said, not wanting to argue about things. Not now, with everything they were talking about. There was meant to be support, not dispute. He knew he'd started it, so he was going to make the moves to end it. "And neither of us is all bad either," he added, noticing how Adam was looking down at his hands. "Not really even half bad," he joked, unable to stop himself, even though he figured he really probably shouldn't add that little bit in, under the circumstances.
Adam looked up at Kyle, eyes studying him for a moment before nodding. "Not even half bad," he agreed, missing the joke part. "Was there anything else?"
Kyle reminded himself that Adam had had it worse, far worse than he had and so he was a person who was coming from a situation in which he could ask that quesetion and not expect the answer of 'what - is that not enough?'. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. "I never felt like I could say no. He told me I could. He always dangled this choice in front of me, every time he decided that I was going to do... that. Said I could just say no and we'd bring our 'little arrangement' to an end. He knew I wasn't going to let that happen. That I couldn't do that. That I was never going to say 'no'. Sometimes he made it crystal clear that the only reason he was giving me to one of his friends was to show me that I was never going to say no. To prove to... whoever. Me. Him. Everyone else. That the decisions were his to make. Not mine. Never mine. That I wasn't my own person."
"To prove it to himself. Not you. Himself. That's what Cal says at least. He says that need for control is probably why...why I was attacked too. Doesn't make me feel any better but I guess it's good to know." Adam found himself fighting a quell of feelings, wanting to give him something where Kyle was well taken care of, well loved for lack of a better term. "He also pointed out that there's nothing like that here. That it's behind us. There are people here who care about you Kyle. Who want to protect you the right way, the one where you have a choice, but you're not alone."
"I know," Kyle said, quietly, his eyes still closed. "And I feel safe here. I feel like all that's behind me. I feel like I can start to be who I want to be again." He opened his eyes and turned his head towards Adam. "It's like every day I'm discovering a part of myself again. Like I'm coming alive."
That got a smirk out of Adam, and he obviously looked pleased to hear it. "Good. Definitely good." He wasn't sure he felt the same way. Safer, yes, but like he was coming alive not as much. There was a lot to address before he got there.
Kyle returned the smile, though it was only a small one. "So, yeah - now you know. Now you know why I freaked out at the idea that Lee might have marked me. Why I get the way I do about the idea that I need someone to protect me. ...Why your offhand comment about me being a slut really hurt. Even though I knew you didn't mean it like that."
"And I can avoid saying things that hurt you again," Adam added. His hand was still holding on to Kyle and he couldn't quite bring himself to pull away. "And you know why I don't sleep and why occasionally I just sort of lose it." There was a pause while he thought, trying to put the right words together. "I think...I think I’m just really protective. As a person. I never had a lot of friends and the idea of something happening to any of you is terrible to me. So I get that way. Charlie and I are on bad terms because of it. Leo and I were on bad terms because of it. But...I don't mean it like that. I don't feel like you really need it, I just can't help but try and protect you." And he hoped Kyle wouldn't hold it against him.
“And now I know why you don’t sleep and why sometimes things are hard for you,” Kyle agreed, amending Adam’s phrasing slightly with a small smile. As Adam continued, he listened, and when his friend finished, he gave his hand a squeeze and let go, dropping his hand to the side, but not moving it that far away. “I get being protective,” he said, though he sounded like there was a definite ‘but’ coming. It was the way he was speaking, slow and measured and quiet, as though he was trying to make very sure that Adam didn’t think he was upset or angry, yet he still had a point to get across. “But it’s really, really important to me to be able to stand on my own. I’m not saying that I don’t need or want support, but I can’t have people fighting my battles for me right now. Or trying to decide what I should or shouldn’t want. I had no problem with you disliking Leandro because you didn’t like him. But the bits where you didn’t like him because you’d decided you didn’t like how he was with me. Especially when you hadn’t really seen him and I together all that much and, really, your information as far as I’m concerned was out of date. I need to prove to myself that I can take care of me. Especially when I’m here and there’s a really realistic change that I can.”
Part of Adam missed the contact, but at the same time it was a little easier. He pulled his knees up, more towards his chest, resting his arms on them while he listened. It wasn't a defensive position though, not entirely. He listened to what Kyle wanted and tried hard not to be upset about any of it. "I screwed up with the Leandro part. I know I did. He told me I was being possessive, which I didn't want, promise. I guess I was still learning. I still am learning. Same with Wren. She's not upset with Charlie at all and I have a hard time with the part where he made her so miserable and she's not still upset." He took breath, trying again to quell his thoughts. "I don't want to fight for you. With you definitely. But I'm going to try and avoid fighting for you. But I'm not great at this. I haven't had many friends and I guess...sometimes I think Jeffrey liked it when I went to battle for him. Like he knew I would. So just...help me out. Don't get mad just keep me in check. I don't mean to do it."
Kyle smirked. He couldn’t help it. “You want to fight with me?” he asked, amused at that. “I get the ‘not having many friends’ thing. And I know you’re probably about to try and call bullshit - I know how you seem to view me, though I’m not always sure why. But - for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I have actual, real friends at the moment. Friends who give a damn and aren’t just going to disappear into the dust the moment things turn bad. So - I’m not game for losing you either. And you haven’t, right? I mean - with the Lee situation, I might not have liked some of what you said, but at no point were we ever going to stop being friends over it.”
"At your side doofus," Adam said, nudging at Kyle's shoulder. "I get you not having close friends. I have a hard time think you didn't have a ton of acquaintances. You're hard to miss. You wouldn't get ignore or let yourself be ignored." He nodded. "No, even when I was really screwing up you accepted how I felt and went with it. It was okay. I told Wren that when she got upset that Charlie and Leo didn't seem interested in what she had to say. About you didn't agree with me but didn't shoot it down."
"Well, here's to not having to fight at all," Kyle commented, pushing back. "But, yeah. I had a whole lot of acquaintances. People I would have labelled as friends, until suddenly they weren't and I was all alone."
Adam was quiet. "I thought I had best friends. People who would be there no matter what then...it was worse than them leaving." They betrayed him all together.
"What happened?" Kyle asked, simply.
When he asked a large part of Adam's demeanor changed and he was off the bed pacing slightly, hands running over his head again and again. "I don't think I can tell you." He couldn't could he? He'd carried the secret, afraid of what they might do. What they could do. Would they find out in here? Could the administration hold it against him here?
Kyle sat forward, pulling himself to sit on the edge of the bed, looking up at his friend with concern. “A - What...?” He wasn’t sure what to think about the sudden change, and he didn’t even stop to consider the name shortening at all. “Why - Why can’t you tell me? I mean, if you don’t want to, but... You know I’m not going to spread any of this around, right? I wouldn’t do that to you...” He’d always been a bit - well, a lot - of a gossip, but now he had people he truly cared about, he was finding that they overruled all of that. For the first time in his life, he was beginning to value keeping people’s confidences and their trust against wanting to spread the news.
Adam only barely caught the shortened name, which was sign. He didn't miss things like that. "It's not that. I don't not trust you, I just...I don't think I can. I think...I promised to keep something a secret and I'm not sure...I don't think it's safe to say."
Kyle stood then and stepped into Adam’s path, putting a hand on each of his shoulders and effectively stopping him. They were much of a height, Kyle barely a couple of inches shorter than the other man and easily able to look him in the eye. “You don’t need to protect me,” he said, firmly, reminding him of that fact. “If you promised to keep a secret, and you feel you have to honour that. If you have loyalty to people to honour that, then fine. But no - not because you think you have to protect me. We’ve been over that one already.”
Kyle's presence was like a hard stop, one that had Adam almost stumbling, but instead he wound up leaning into his touch. "It's not you I'm protecting. I wish it was. But it's not. It's so much bigger than that." And it weighed him down, that was obvious.
“Who are you protecting, if it’s not me?” Kyle asked, frowning a little. “You said it wasn’t safe to say...”
"My grandmother," Adam blurted before he could stop himself. He winced and shook his head, ducking out of Kyle's grip. He dropped back on the bed, elbows on his knees and hanging his head.
Kyle paused, looking down at him for a moment. And then he raised his eyes to scan the ceiling. The artist sat down next to his friend, closer than normal, thigh pressed to thigh. He leaned in, mouth hovering near Adam's ear. "Is that what you're worried about? Whoever's listening?" he asked. "If it is, and if you want me to know, you can always write it out, paper and pen. They can't know it then."
Breath against his ear, warmth of another person close. Adam froze completely, not able to move. There was a tiny war waging inside him, one of fear, remember the last time someone's voice was so close and how different what they were saying was. The other was realizing this was Kyle, and a big part of him wanted Kyle this close. And maybe closer. When he finally turned, golden eyes were wide, watching Kyle, not able to move away. "Someone had to take the blame," he said voice barely there. "Or else."
The artist hesitated for a moment, before asking, "Adam, do you really not remember what happened?"
"Do you not believe me?" Adam asked instead.
"Right now, it's sounding like you just took the fall for your so-called friends. Easier to do, if you claim memory loss." Though Kyle himself knew all about lying to the police, and how to keep a story straight.
"I don't remember. I still could have done it." Adam looked away from Kyle's eyes but not his face, which meant he was watching his mouth instead. "I took a deal before they could get any farther with the investigation." He'd been hung out to dry, but never once had he thought of it as taking the fall for his friends. Just taking some not so friendly suggestions to suck it up and do the time.
Kyle considered that, and did so from his own way of looking at things. He was a confessed supporter of admitting to your crimes and offering yourself up for punishment, so he didn’t actually see anything strictly wrong with Adam’s actions: as long as he was guilty. Whether his friend was or not had always been something he couldn’t come to a conclusion about. It was difficult, if not impossible, when not even Adam knew. Kyle did, however, have one pertinent question which, to him, made a world of difference about Adam’s actions. “Do you think you’re guilty?” he asked, aware that Adam was no longer looking him in the eye.
"No." It was quiet, barely there, but an admission nonetheless. There was a long pause where Adam seemed lost in his own head, before he spoke again. "I can't imagine myself doing that, but...maybe I don't know what I'm capable of." His voice was laced in doubt in himself.
It had occurred to Kyle when he first found out what Adam had been convicted of, and the circumstances around that, that it was a possibly that Adam had some kind of mental disorder which resulted in him committing acts of violence whilst being entirely unaware. Whilst it had not been all that long that he had known the other man, each day that theory seemed to be less and less likely. There simply was no evidence to support it, and Kyle found himself letting the possibly go. “Honestly? I can’t imagine you doing it either,” he admitted. “So - you just took the blame for your friends then,” he prompted, once again.
Adam shook his head. "No," he said. "I don't know who did it. I just..." He dropped his voice lower, moving closer to Kyle. "I didn't have a choice. I was told as much." It wasn't like Kyle thought. It was so much more than just doing what his friends wanted.
The artist frowned at that. “Adam - you always have a choice,” he said, equally quietly, not backing away from the proximity the way he may otherwise have done. He was aware now that Adam was nervous about this subject spreading. Kyle’s words, however, betrayed his naivety about the world at large, and the fact that he came from a very, very different world.
Adam watched Kyle, wishing he could explain it better. Maybe this was what Wren and Charlie had been feeling. "What have I told you about my life before prison?" He asked, voice still low.
“You told me a bit about Jeffrey. About how you kind of got swept along in his wake. And that that wasn’t always a good thing, but at the time it felt like it,” Kyle told him, his gaze steady and constant, close without seeming that he was getting right up in Adam’s personal space, for all they were touching side to side right now.
Adam nodded, looking down and tugging at this shirt again. "You know those action movies start with the bad guys living kind of a party life? Everyone is dangerous and you know it but its mostly under control? By the end, that's what it was with control slipping. Jeffrey's family were known criminals. His brothers were insane. And evil. Jeffrey wasn't at first but by the end...it was a real fear. I believed every threat that lawyer told me. So I said okay. And he got me a great deal, I didn't have a trial and then...then I was alone. No friends, no family. No one."
Kyle knew about that alone. He had been there himself. The clang of the jail cell door, the sudden creeping cold, despite the actual ambient temperature, and that knowledge in the pit of your stomach that this was just the beginning of a very long, very dark tunnel and there was no light in sight. Silently, he reached across and took Adam’s hand in his, holding it lightly, a gesture of support.
The contact, so different than earlier brought Adam out of his head. He had been alone, but he wasn't now. His eyes watched their hands for a moment before finding Kyle's eyes, watching him, almost searching for an answer in the blue.
“I’m never going to do that to you,” Kyle told him. “Neither’s Wren. Or anyone else here. This time around, you have real friends, no matter what the circumstances. Remember what I said on our very first day here - I’ve got your back, Adam. You’re not on your own anymore.”
Adam leaned against Kyle more, nodding. "I know. I'm still getting used to it, but I know. I'm happy for it." His smile was there too, even if it was a tiny one.
Kyle took a deep breath and let it out. Things had ended up being far more serious than he had expected from today. “Hey,” he said, giving Adam a gentle nudge. “I think both of us could do with getting out of here for a while. You wanna go for a swim or something?” he suggested. Maybe exercise would do them both some good.
Adam wasn't at all sure what to do with himself so the suggestion was welcome despite the voice saying that it meant that Kyle wouldn't be as close as he was right now. "Sure," he said with a nod. "Sounds like a plan."
Kyle nodded and stood, turning back to look down at Adam. “Then how about I take the door you owe me, head back down to my room to change and I’ll meet you at the pool in ten?” he suggested, keeping enough about him despite the serious topics, to find a way of getting both the door and avoiding having Adam in his room whilst he was making Wren a crown.
Adam hesitated a moment before getting up and nodding. "Sure. If you don't think you need help moving it," he said. There was a small pause before he reached out and hugged Kyle, something quick but there. "I can be there in ten."
Kyle returned the hug. “I’m stronger than I look, Adam. I’m used to heaving lumps of metal around, I think I can handle a door,” he teased, pulled back with a smile.
"Look, I thought we already established that I'm the brawny one. Don't take that from me," Adam teased. "It's all yours." He said waving to the door covered in Wren's runes.
Kyle bit his lip and said nothing to that, though a hundred different retorts entered his head. Most of them were bordering on flirtatious, and he didn’t flirt with Adam. That would be dangerous. Instead he took the door, hefting it up so he could carry it. “I’ll see you in ten minutes,” he promised.
Adam wondered what had Kyle biting his lip, but he nodded nonetheless. "I'll be there," he'd said, getting the door for Kyle.
“Then I’ll see you in a while,” Kyle said, as he headed out of the door and turned to walk towards the elevator. He felt like they’d made some progress. Like they’d both been able to open up, let each other in more. That felt really good.