InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "OK. OK? Let's do it. Say it."

greenstraw (greenstraw) wrote in rpvents,
@ 2022-06-15 19:08:00

I'm tired.

So much has happened over the past two years that it's exhausting, both on and off line. I'm sick of spending my time here feeling frustrated over a lack of communication, over people not being willing to compromise, over emotions getting the best of everything to the point of break. Game after game has imploded. Relationships have been tossed aside or sacrificed for others. Friendships that should have had staying power proved that they didn't.

It's exhausting both emotionally and mentally.

RP is a hobby, an escape from the bitterness of reality. Because let's face it, folks. The real world sucks. And it gets worse every day.

I miss the times when we could all get online, write fun stories, plot around with everyone and not feel like we were being judged. Except that time never really existed, did it? Maybe I, like so many others, was settled comfortably inside my own little clique that I never noticed how awful everyone really was to each other. And what for? What's the point of it?

All I want to do is write. I want a safe space to do this where my integrity isn't called into question. I want to be able to post as often as I like, even if the post feels pointless to someone else. Why? Because it helps me feel better to live vicariously through my characters, even if it's something as meaningless as a trip to the damn grocery store. Why should I not be able to share glimpses of them just because no one else has posted anything? Why should I feel bad about flooding the friend's page if I have the time to do so? Why should I have to silence myself or my creativity because no one else is feeling as inspired? Or because all everyone else wants to do is share moodboards, playlists, and instagram photos?

I like those posts, don't get me wrong. But if that's how you want to RP, how I want to RP shouldn't bother you.

This isn't game specific, by the way. So don't request PMs, I wouldn't offer them anyhow. I honestly think that bit of bullying needs to go away. Just because one person had a bad time in a game doesn't mean you need to ruin the whole thing for everyone else.

I want to go back to when we all got along. Or when it felt like we all got along. Most of us started writing on here in high school, if not shortly after. We're all old enough where we shouldn't be acting towards each other as if we're schoolyard bullies. There has to be some give and take. COMPROMISE. Because it's starting to feel very lonely out here and I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way. I've seen it. I've seen similar vents, similar frustrations.

Admitting there's a problem is only half the battle, what are we going to do to fix it? Because I'm not ready to walk away from this. I want to be able to write, to share my stories, to enjoy this space again. I want to be able to connect with people and not feel penned in, or like I have to watch my back at every step because God forbid somebody I start a line with turns out to be someone who decided they hate me for one reason or another. Legitimately, and I know this will sound stupidly immature, but why the hell can't we all just get along?!

There are so many apologies I'd like to make, so many I'd love to hear. But honestly? I'd rather just let it all go, move on, get back to what I love doing. Life's too short not to. Way too fucking short.

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badbadkitty
2022-06-16 05:57 am UTC (link)

It is mentally and physically exhausting.

To be honest, rp as a whole has changed over the last several years and that has brought on a lot of changes. In my opinion, it's not really about writing or real writing anymore. It's net posts/texts/instagram posts/mood boards/play lists/etc. It's so hard to find those who genuinely like to write out scenes and don't either drop them or take weeks to tag. And how I miss writing actual journal entries! Entries where my characters could share their life or thoughts or write about something serious or silly. I really don't understand how characters are supposed to get to know one another through short or person specific network posts/texts or occasional logs that never get finished. People don't branch out. They don't truly try to make friends because, as usual, all most care about is the ship/relationship. It's enough to make me want to quit most days. I miss the "good 'ol days" of rp.

Compromise is something that rarely happens, sorry to say. People want it their way. People get butt hurt and then that's it, you're blackballed and shit talked about for the rest of time. People have a hard time letting go of the hurt, and I get that. It is hard sometimes, but it doesn't do any good to hold onto it. It took me many years to learn that not everyone is going to like me, that no matter what some people will talk shit and stab you in the back and that lines and friendships end - And that you have to just let it go. Yes, you can have time to grieve, to mourn, (And YES, you can write an rpvent) but then let it go. It's not necessary to shit talk that person or people for the next five years.

I'm not sure I really replied to your post, but I feel you and I understand your frustration. I have many frustrations, too. I don't know if we'll ever all get along. The nature of this hobby, anonymity - hiding behind a computer screen lets people act/say whatever they want. There's so many other reasons rp has changed and why I don't feel it will get back to those golden days when we could all write together, but I'd be here writing for a week if I went into them all.

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greenstraw
2022-06-16 08:38 pm UTC (link)

I love writing journal entries. I've never been a fan of having to have a completely filled bio to enter a game. A few detailed facts, sure. But I like to develop my character as I write them. They grow as time moves along, just like real people in the real world. So I don't really enjoy having to know everything about them before I even start writing them, that's half the fun of character development type posts!

I hate how people get annoyed by those posts now. They either want them tucked away behind a cut because they're too long and it looks cumbersome to the aesthetic of the friend's page. Everything has to have a tidy little link or image or gif to hide behind.

The fact that all the games are the way they are is the REASON why so many pop up and disappear. Then no one seems to give a chance to the smaller games that focus less on aesthetic and genuinely want to have writers who like that sort of thing. I've joined a few in the last year that have tanked because there wasn't enough interest to keep them going even though the writers there actually wanted to write. Sure, GPSLs are okay. But I've noticed how people tend to drift away from them because the FP starts to move a bit slower as there's not ENOUGH people in there to interact with.

I know that it will never get back to the initial days of IJ or GJ or, hell, even AOL RP. I know that. But, Christ, a girl can hope!

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badbadkitty
2022-06-16 10:02 pm UTC (link)

Me too! I miss them so much. I miss reading about characters lives and actually getting to know them. I play in mainly psls and panfan these days which to me is basically a bunch of psls for the most part - don't come for me! lol I cut my teeth on celeb though and have been in a few pb games and gpsls over the years, where I so loved writing journal entries. Sigh. Exactly! Let me get to know and learn about your characters. Don't spoon feed me everything up front.

Don't get me started on the aesthetic thing. It is another reason rp is going extinct. People care more about how a comm, journal or icons look than they do about writing. I personally don't give a shit what any of that looks like. No one is looking at those things for the most part. I remember back in the day I was rejected from a game for not having the "right" icons. Talk about stupid. That's back when the cropped icons were the in thing. I don't want to be in any game that will reject me or anyone based on icons.

I used to join smaller games a lot because they were small. Unfortunately a lot of them didn't make it because there wasn't enough interaction. I'd rather be in a smaller game though, where people are interacting than a big game where few people interact with those outside their friends/significant other/fandom. Like you said, the smaller games don't seem to make it though which is a shame.

Yes! You can definitely hope! I have hope that I will find an amazing game or line that blows my socks off. Oh, the AOL days...takes me back. lol

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libellule
2022-06-16 12:20 pm UTC (link)

I identify with a lot of this. It seems like the reoccurring issue I've run into is that 'groups' are so firmly rooted (or cliques, I guess) and that sometimes people try to write outside of them - they will for awhile, develop some lines, but then just...stop. For whatever reason. Retreat back to the safety of their group and leave you, as the outsider, with the mess and wondering what you did wrong.

As someone who will honestly write with most anyone and am always open to finding new connections, that sort of pattern does tend to sting and contributes to the 'I'm tired' feeling.

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greenstraw
2022-06-16 08:41 pm UTC (link)

I know that I've been prone to write with the same group of people for the last few months, but that's honestly because it's been so hard to really branch out. There's so few places that really feel accepting of the sort of writing I want to do. Or that my friends want to do. It's all so pigeon-holed into aesthetic and half-assed posts and no substance. There's little to no character development that happens even when lines are offered. Rare amount of follow through.

It's very frustrating. And yes, it stings.

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remember115
2022-06-16 02:50 pm UTC (link)

I feel this in my soul.

I have been doing journal based RP for nearly 20 years now, and while it was hardly perfect (or perhaps I am looking at it from rose-tinted, nostalgic glasses) there was opportunity. It wasn't clique after clique. People could just write.

These days it feels like people have mostly gone off into their collective corners and stay there. It feels like the toxic people have finally driven those who genuinely want to write into the ground or into hiding. The relentless bullying, gatekeeping and elitism has mashed everything down into a powder.

It's like the mean kids have won. I am not kidding. This safe space doesn't feel so safe anymore, and it breaks my heart. If you don't get along with one of the few elites, your name can be smeared to Kingdom come, and what kills me? What really gets to me? Is so many of those complaining about the lack of RP, the lack of friendship and comraderies are the very culprits that have made this place so unbearable now.

Part of me hopes a new line of RP opens up and I can eventually trickle there, but for now, I still poke at the ads every now and then hoping to cure the itch to write that I have had since I was a kid, and now seems harder, and harder to satisfy.

It's depressing.

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greenstraw
2022-06-16 08:45 pm UTC (link)

I'm so sick of the mean kids winning at everything. Why should they get to have all the fun?!

No one is perfect. Everyone has a little bit of toxicity in them. I've seen it. I will admit that I've been a part of it, though I didn't really see it that way at the time. And I think that's a huge part of the problem. Nobody wants to see the other side of the story, the other person's truth. And it becomes a powder keg that ruins the fun of it in the long run. Everyone is so emotionally charged, and I know a lot of it stems from things OOC in their real life, that it's hard to let go of those emotions and they carry through to things spiraling in our little RP worlds.

It sucks.

All I want is a place to write with like-minded individuals who are able to separate the OOC bullshit from what's going on IC. And if they aren't able to be kind to each other OOC, just stop talking to people that way. Stop allowing it to ruin the game, to ruin interaction between characters. Stop allowing for the bullies to push you out or make you feel unsafe. We all feel it, we're all seeing it, but no one is taking ownership for their own role in it and that's a big problem.

It might be the core of the problem, really.

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remember115
2022-06-16 10:54 pm UTC (link)

I know I've done toxic things. We all have. We're human. It seems, at it's core though, we all want to get passed that and just enjoy ourselves again. I wish we could all just get a clean slate and be like here, free pass for a new start, don't fuck it up this time, you know? Because let's be real. We've all changed. We have been through a collective trauma of 2020-2022 honestly, and I feel like we all, or mostly all of us, have grown and changed.

I hate the whole hanging slights over people's heads. If we did that IRL all the time, everyone would hate everyone. Let people grow, change, have room for mistakes with accountability.

The thing that sucks is it's tiring to constantly stand up to bullies, it's tiring for it to be everywhere and I think we've a become so numb to it it's either deal with it or kick them to the curb and not try to work things out.

I'm tired lol, we are all so tired.

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greenstraw
2022-06-21 05:51 pm UTC (link)

My biggest problem right now is that even when attempts at making amends, at moving forward and correcting mistakes are made? They aren't good enough. Apologies aren't enough. Rebuilding a game and trying to bridge the gap that was made isn't enough. It still results in being bullied. It still results in being shut down and made to feel small for even trying to fix it.

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	remember115 2022-06-22 03:19 pm UTC (link)
	I feel like everyone deserves a second chance. It's only when it becomes a pattern that there's a big problem, imho. (Reply to this) (Parent)

nerdypard
2022-06-16 04:33 pm UTC (link)

This! All of this! And something else that bothers me a little too is that none of us are the same people that we were when we first started writing here. We have all grown. Matured. Gone through our own things in rl that have changed how we think, act and write. Some of us have seen the error of our ways in the past and just wish that others wouldn't hold grudges against us. It's simple. Who we are now is not who we were then. We just want a place to write and have that stress relief from the real world. Every single one of us is guilty of doing or saying something rude or mean to another person at some point in our entire rp experience here and on other platforms. No one is innocent.

tl;dr: I wish people would stop treating others like crap because they may have had a bad experience with a writer in the past. No one is the same as they were a few years ago. Or even just a year ago. Let it go. Let people write and enjoy their hobby without trying to get them to leave a game just because you don't like them over something that happened prior.

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greenstraw
2022-06-16 08:51 pm UTC (link)

This! Exactly! We have all grown and changed over the years that we've been using this outlet for our writing. Our ideals and opinions have changed. Life has jaded us and has therefore jaded a lot of our characters, how they interact, how we interact with other writers.

Certain personalities will never mix. That's a fact of life. But like in a work environment, though you might not get along with everyone all the time, you still have to make the conscious effort to do what's best for the group. Why is it not the same on here?

You're absolutely right in that we are all guilty of doing something mean or saying something rude. Every last one of us has done it at some point. We are all responsible for spreading the toxicity that has depleted all the happy places on this server. And we are all responsible for ending it. Somebody has to start. Somebody has to take the first step and try to make things better.

I want to be able to apologize to those I've been responsible for hurting whether intentionally or not. I know I've made mistakes. I want to take ownership for it. I want people to let go of whatever grudges they might have. I just want to be able to write, to share my stories, to get back to having fun and writing with people who wanted the same out of this server as me.

I'm not the girl I was when IJ started. Hell, I'm not the girl I was last year. A lot has happened since 2020 and 2021. It's been a shitshow. For everyone. And this place was meant to be our release from all of that. I really just wish we could all move on.

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nerdypard
2022-06-16 08:58 pm UTC (link)

I definitely agree. Especially with the last couple of years, I think a lot of us have had that time to reflect on a lot of things. I say if you want to apologize, do it. If you feel there are people that you should reach out to and just speak your peace, do it. Hit up an old dropbox or journal. Hopefully they will get the notification. And who knows, maybe they will apologize for the parts that they played in whatever situations as well. If it has to start with someone, why not start it yourself? It can't hurt. Worse case scenario, you continue to not speak to one another. So nothing would really change. But at least you would have spoken your peace and gotten it off of your chest. I know that if someone messaged me with something like that, I would appreciate it and want to reach back out to them as well.

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greenstraw
2022-06-16 09:25 pm UTC (link)

I spent the last week trying to reach out the ways I still was able to, actually. Unfortunately found out I was blocked and not able to message them that way. And most of the journals I know of are completely locked down, so it's hard when everyone has basically shut it all down. I might try PMs but I worry that people won't be nearly as receptive as I would like them to be.

Still, I'm trying to make the effort because nothing will change for any of us if we don't, y'know? Nothing will get better. No one will move on. Grudges will remain grudges and the server will continue to feel closed off.

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nerdypard
2022-06-16 09:39 pm UTC (link)

Well now I am wondering if I should go and see if all of my old journals at least have a dropbox post open. Because I know exactly what you mean. And now with PMs having to be approved and what not, if it's a journal that people don't log into regularly, they wouldn't see it anyway or the approval wouldn't be there. So yeah. It can be a kind of shot in the dark thing. But at least you are making the effort.

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lioness
2022-06-16 05:02 pm UTC (link)

tbh, it hurt for a while when the ppl i wrote w forever turned into psychos and basically stole my writing by not telling me they were removing me from a gpsl. all bcuz i told them i no longer was interested in putting up w how their characters bullied / belittled / etc etc my characters + everyone else's that they ooc did not like (not that my chars put up w it). i also lost friends bcuz i finally put up boundaries both ic and ooc. my theory is this:

99% of the ppl rping here 'these days' are NOT the ppl that were rping 'back in the day'. that, or most ppl are taking it all too seriously. now, i'm not saying back in the day rp'ers were perfect either. not everyone gets along. but the main problem has and always will be the type of person who needs their character to either: instantly pair up, instantly have instant connections, instantly be the best most awesome char, instant instant instant.

no one does character development anymore. they pump out characters w/o exploring the character they already have. no one thinks of plots -- they just react to other characters and writers, who have the burden of thinking up fun things to do. which means this: they (the psychos) move on easily, and are not satisfied with LONG TERM emotional development ooc or ic, unless they are 100% getting their way.

i'm in a game rn w the ppl that have proven to be sane over many, many years. but there are a few who came in who seem to be fitting into what i just, and i feel bad but... i kinda want them to die off, so we can stay small to avoid future problems. and that's just fuckin sad. we had hopes for finding some like minds, and haven't yet.

ppl stay in their corners bcuz they've been burned. BUT! i'm noticing a lot of us (the sane ppl in the corners) are somehow finding each other and joining forces. slowwwwwwly, but somehow, surely.

anyone want to form a deadly alliance, dropbox me (i don't think i have pm). i have no shame sharing where the chill ppl are, but if you're an instant-everything type, steer clear. and if you end up being like the other crazy ass ppl on this server, i mean... lol... we're used to it. you'll just be removed.

social media posts tho, they USED TO always lead to logs for me. the chars would talk and then randomly go on some adventure. that's why i liked them. but now? nope. they're used as a way to have bare minimum presence in a game.

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greenstraw
2022-06-16 08:58 pm UTC (link)

Honestly, you say that 99% of the people RPing here these days aren't the same people, but I don't know that I agree with that. Our world has always been a very small one. With the same few people popping up over and over again. I'm constantly running back into the same people I wrote with at the start of IJ without even knowing it's them. And that's fine. Or would be fine if everyone would just let old grudges go.

There really isn't any true character development anymore. They pump out characters because there's game after game after game opening up and they want to be a part of whatever the new shiny is. But they don't take the time to commit to any one character long enough for them to have a true presence.

Hell, I've brought back old characters from a decade ago because I love them far more than the ones I've created for newer things. Those characters have better staying power, they have been developed and are fun to write because I know them well enough to want to tell their stories.

I legitimately miss the friendships that were garnered IC between characters. I have always truly enjoyed writing friends and family lines far more than romantic attachments. I always felt that there was more to be found there, more to be written. Romance lines often grow boring because it's the same stuff over and over, it gets too fluffy for me.

Instant stuff can be nice SOMETIMES if it's a line that was developed before joining something. But organic! I miss when organic lines were more of a thing, back when people talked less OOC and you had to actually write with one another to plot out lines IC. We didn't need storyline communities in every game so that you could figure out the whole damn thing from start to finish. Each day was taken as it came.

A thing of the past. All of it.

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lioness
2022-06-16 09:05 pm UTC (link)

don't be alarmed at the creepily fast reply. i'm at the computer and have had massive amounts of caffeine.

see, i'm one of those weirdos who was in gpsls most of the time, and when the games were public, they shut down so soon i didn't even get to know anyone, even the ppl who seemed cool. sigh. i do wish some ppl would let old grudges go. even i'd let them go for some ppl. esp if they came at me correct about it.

to the rest of everything you said: i agree and agree and agree. esp the organic and talking less ooc shit. it's why i despise discord servers for games.

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greenstraw
2022-06-16 09:16 pm UTC (link)

I've not had any caffeine but I'm off work and online, so there's that.

I'm at the point where the only writing I do anymore is PSLs. I miss the interaction of more than one writer but it's hard to trust people when everyone seems so set against you. I'm more than willing to let my own grudges go. I'm more than willing to take ownership of the ones I had, of the people who feel I mistreated them in one way or another. And that's the first real step towards solving the problem, is letting things go and accepting that we're all human. We all make mistakes.

Hell, I tried sending messages out to people over the last week that I've had issues with in the past. I want to clear the air. I want to move on and enjoy myself on here again. I'm hopeful, at some point, that they will too.

Discord can be okay sometimes. But it's caused so much drama in different games and I think it's because of the constant connection. People don't have time to process or slow down.

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lioness
2022-06-16 11:04 pm UTC (link)

i think ppl need more than one writer, just like they need more than one person in their actual life. having a community of a few ppl helps plots develop. keeps things interesting and surprising.

it is hard to trust ppl. i have no idea why i even try to make new writing friends. i LIKE making friends, and apparently, most ppl like uh, not making friends? or ghosting ppl, thinking they're doing 'self-care' nah bro that's called lack of empathy (unless ofc the person being ghosted is an asshole).

sending out msgs is way mature of you. i thankfully haven't ever needed to. which seems nice, but it isn't, bcuz it just means i was the one who was hurt.

you know what... it's exactly that. the no time to process or slow down (at least for me it's been in public game servers).

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