http://anarchy.insanejournal.com/101637.html
I've been around IJ since GJ collapsed. Before that, I was pretty much strictly at GJ since it began. There have been a lot of RP roles I've shuffled through in that time, many of which incited controversy both in character and out. For the longest time, I've been too proud to admit that some of the choices I made weren't anywhere near the best to have made, and I would shift back and forth between being overly self-righteous and hopelessly self-victimizing. I've run into people who have done and said things to me that I'll never forgive them for, but I'm not sure where it was that I turned into someone that others would feel the same way about. I don't know when I started showing all the classic signs of an RP crazy. I've been too proud, too volatile, and too conniving. I manipulated people who never deserved it, hurt people I shouldn't have, and lied to myself by justifying it in my head as well they did this and that, which were way worse. Even up until recently, I would do that, try to validate my actions as something other than the childish tantrums they were. I've successfully ostracized myself from good people, lost the respect of great writers, and betrayed people who tried so hard to be a friend to me. I've never been more ashamed of myself than I am now. I did a lot of stupid things I'll never be able to make up for, or put right. For that, I'm sorry. For the people I hurt and stressed out, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do, anymore, to fix things, and I can't even recollect even half the things I've said and done to know where to begin. So I'm begging, here, for something I don't actually deserve: another chance. A chance to prove myself, to prove that I'm not that person anymore and that I can handle my shit a lot better than I did before. I don't expect all of my old friends to come back, nor do I expect to be forgiven. I only hope to be heard, to be understood. I know I qualify as a crazy. I do suffer from chronic depression, which I'm on meds for. I'm also struggling through borderline personality disorder and social anxiety disorder. All of these things mixed together, with all of the meds I take mixed in, lead up to someone, me, that's been emotionally unstable, easily riled, prone to overreacting, and sometimes just not feeling anything at all, including the empathy required to know when to stop. I'm not a stable person. For a while, I wanted to be able to take care of it on my own and prove that I could, but I was wrong. I needed help, a lot of it, and in the last few months alone, I've gotten a lot of help from my community and all of its wonderful people. I've found a support structure I never thought I'd have, much less deserve. I want to be able to try and make things right, to be honest and not hide anymore.
So, I'm leaving comments screened. If you want yours to remain screened, just put an asterisk in the subject line. Or anything in the subject letting me know whether you want it to stay screened, or for it to be unscreened. Anonymous is enabled and I would prefer it if people stuck to that, if only because I don't want anybody's journals getting harassed over any of this. I want you guys, any of you that are willing, to come to me and just tell me about anything I ever said or did to you that I either don't remember or haven't ever acknowledged. If there's any reason I can recall for what I did, I'll try my best to explain it to you and offer any apology that I owe. Or just talk to me, ask questions, anything. If you need to yell at me, you can do that too.
I've caused a lot of problems for other people, I want everything out in the open and if we can talk like adults, that would be cool. If not, that's okay too. I'd rather have tried than sat back and wait for drama to sneak up on me again. No matter who you are or what you have to say, I will respect it. If there's something I legitimately do not remember happening, I'll still try my best to remember and I'll still talk about it with you in a respectful way.
A lot of you have every right and reason to yell at me, whether I am respectful to you here or not. This is an open forum. It's not about attention, it's about trying to make amends the only way I can think to try. I've already sent direct apologies to certain people who have chosen not to respond, which is okay, they don't have to respond. But I'm sure there are others out there that I just don't remember, or don't know where they are, to make it right. I don't want to be that asshole Laine that everyone hates anymore, but I'll live with it if that's really all I've earned for myself in all the things I've done.
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.save.org
http://www.cyberbullyhelp.com/
http://www.bullying.co.uk/
http://www.mentalhelp.net/
http://www.nami.org/
http://www.support4hope.com/
http://loveislouder.com/
http://www.itsonmymind.org/
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