Re: Shadowcrest: Sam & Louis
Her feet were cold, but he didn't mind so much. He rested his hands on her ankles as she got comfortable. "I don't think he'd mind sharing the role," he said. Thinking about Cris wasn't so easy just now, though. He hadn't heard anything from him since they all split off, and he wasn't sure he would. Not soon. Maybe not ever. There were some things he wasn't sure Cris could forgive.
The story about Meredith wasn't entirely a surprise. "I did eavesdrop a little," he admitted. "I heard Neil's side when you told him." He glanced toward the stairs - no sign of Neil. "I can't stand that girl." That started all the way back on the journals after she first arrived. Louis had tolerated her since only for Neil's sake. "If she actually ran off to some other door because you asked Neil to help you, then she has to be the most insanely passive aggressive woman the world has ever seen. Getting yourself killed because your boyfriend pays too much attention to his ex is not the way to win their affections." He shook his head. "That isn't your fault. And I do think you're over exaggerating a little. He's barely spoken to me since we came back here either. You know he wants to help you in whatever way he can, you haven't upset him by asking."
Seeing her laugh made him laugh a little in return. It had been too long. "You're welcome," he said.
Then she crawled across and hugged him. He grip was tight, and the skin of her cheek was cool and wet. He squeezed her back, tightly as he could manage. Physical affection was not the Donovan way, but he'd needed a hug for a while now. Even before Joey, even without Micah, the last year had been a hell, and he still wasn't all the way out of it. And he worried so much about her, and about how she was doing, and how she would do. It was rough all over. Sometimes a good hug was the most you could say about anything.
When she sat back down and dragged the blanket over her, he smiled and laughed a little, thickly, pinching at the corners of his eyes to drag that wetness away. "You're good at that," he said. Then, slower, "...I'm...better. I could be even better. I want it to be over."
He folded his legs beneath himself again, settling into the back of the couch. "I still...feel what that thing wants me to do, and I know I would kill for it, if I could leave." His gaze darted over to her, looking for her reaction. "So I'm glad I have to stay here for now.
"I will say that I don't think it was ever meant to be this way. There was a cult of men, very much human beings with their own aims, which tapped the power they thought they had a right to and made me even more their puppet than I was driven by the god they chose. I think when it...this thing that they connected me to, this god, whatever it is, I think its connection to a human being has typically been more...shamanistic, in the past? Participation, on the part of its vessel. Consent. It wants blood, but it is complicated, and it has rules, and a willing partner helps. I think that's why it wanted them all dead, in the end. They should have done it themselves, not tried to get all the benefits without any of the costs by offering up someone who didn't know what was...happening.
"Now I at least know what's happened to me. It's more frightening to feel wrong and not be able to put the pieces together, to not sleep, and have everyone worry, and not even be able to help myself. I'm not quite the master of my own destiny again, but I can try to put a stop to it if things go wrong. I can warn people, I can...talk." He scrubbed a hand through his hair. "There's hope, now, where I didn't have any before. And I know I'll have to find some way to make amends, when this is all done, but I wasn't much better than a puppet. I think there is a way to disentangle me from it." Should he be telling her any of this at all? He watched her again, uncertain.
He hesitated. He knew what he wanted to bring up, but considering that it was Sam, he wasn't sure he should go on.
"...I wish I had been more help with Micah. I wish Neil hadn't..." He lapsed briefly into silence. "I wanted to. But Cris didn't want him to die in a way that was inhuman."