Evangeline Sablier is not broken, but please (handlewithcare) wrote in rooms,
Re: Evie S/Anon
Part 2
I don't know how to take care of me, or ask for help, or who to ask for help, or to ask to look after me, or where to go for help, or who to tell that I'm not okay because they aren't okay either. But I don't need them worrying, Wren is so afraid I'm going to be alone forever. So am I, but I don't want her to know that. She'll worry more. And she has so much more to worry about than me. Luke is afraid I'll be sad forever. And so am I, but again, can't let him know that. Now Jack is afraid he hurt me because he doesn't like me the same way, and so am I. What does that mean? I tried and failed, and someone who already knows everything about me doesn't want me - should I just stop trying full stop? Lie? The only other time someone other than Will has remotely shown any interest it was when I wasn't me. I didn't look like me, I didn't act like me, and we were all drugged on sex drinks. I haven't had real sex in .... It'll be two years on March 6th. Oh my God. I really like sex.
My life hasn't been easy, but I've overcome a lot worse than food stamps.
And I can't figure out how to pay my electricity bill online.
Like why is the wait for food stamps so long? What is the point? My kid is hungry now.
The only thing that has become easy? Obamacare. I just filled out that paperwork and I don't have to pay for anything ever. And there is no such thing as a pre-existing condition so high-ho the dairy oh Evie can get this festering wound looked at.
So no. I don't know what a break looks like. Sometimes it looks like less than a 4 month wait for food stamps, but I'm afraid that will cut someone off even more needy than I am.
Because sometimes it looks like a full time job at the liquor store up the street, that I interviewed four times for but didn't get, but I'm sure the person they hired is more qualified because I've never worked in a liquor store before.
I don't want to take anything away from anyone. I just feel like whatever break I ask for, no matter how small, is something that someone else who needs it more isn't going to get. I've got to wait my turn.
That being said, I’m funny, and I have big ears, and short brown hair. Daisy has squishy cheeks just like mine, she was born at home, I had no pain killers, I’m a fucking champion. I love being a mom, even though I am terrified I’m awful at it, and I know there are some bad choices I make every day.
I like reading romance novels a lot, and write a lot of dirty smut in a black leather notebook.
I love the Gatsby door. I sneak in sometimes and bring song lyrics and notes to modern songs and listen ot the girls at the speakeasies jazz them up. I like wearing flapper dresses because before my baby came I had no boobs at all. Now I do but they aren’t that cute. Believe me.
I make my own soap.
I like music and dancing, and smoking weed sometimes. I drink wine that tastes like candy, and I still dance by myself even when I’m sad. And even when I’m in someone else’s kitchen in the middle of the night. And it’s something I’m trying to instill in Daisy too. We danced last night.
I’m not all doom and gloom. I had a weird life. But the growing up made me strong. Its the grown up stuff that’s defeating me. I feel defeated. Do you think I’m defeated?
What do you think? What does a break look like to you?