Re: Bruce B/Pepper P
That sounds like five or six separate things conflated into one.
I'm assuming the lost trust has something to do with the child? You made a decision. Sometimes the decision is to lose or to lose bigger. You made a decision, you stand behind it. Or you know your limits, when you don't want to make those decisions, you make it clear at the outset you can't be put in a position to make them. Trust is something you have to regain.
You're the worst loner I have ever met. You don't like being alone, Bruce, or you wouldn't want people to like you the way you do. You're in a bad spot right now, but you can't run away from the parts of being human. You're a grown-up. You have to live those parts along with the good. It might be simpler to be alone. It probably is. But you're letting the bad outweigh the good.
So you learn to regain control. You re-establish your boundaries and you go back to basics. I lost control at the hotel's party. Everything that could bend, did. But if I let losing control dictate my life rather than taking action to understand why it happened and how to prevent it again, then I lose, to something that's part of me.
You need to get out to where there isn't expectation. Go take a yoga class, find some quiet in the city with other people who don't need you to be things. But you need to take action to get out there, rather than needing to be kicked. Because the more you let yourself sink, the harder it is to climb back out.