Evangeline Sablier is not broken, but please (handlewithcare) wrote in rooms,
Re: Wren H/Evie S
When have I ever been most people?
I do see that. I see that times a hundred. I get it. But there is something worth wanting about everyone. It wasn't always easy for me to understand why even my father loved me when I was such a confused, traumatized, handful.
I don't know if okay is the word, but you don't grow up with a father with like mine, and not understand about taking matters into your own hands.
But I wasn't there. I wasn't him. I wasn't in that moment. When I was hurting, and scared, and angry, and violent, I had my father to ground me. He didn't have that. When I was hurting and scared and angry and violent again, I had you and Luke to hold my hand instead. I don't know what would have happened to me without that. Because the feelings I know really well, he doesn't believe me, but I understand the feeling that leads to that behavior. My father and my manny taught me how to kick the crap out of everyone so I wouldn't go insane and stab someone in the neck with a spork at a moment's notice - That's what happens with a support system. He didn't have that. And everyone deserves that too. We all deserve someone to stop us.
I don't know how to process what he told me, I know that he's going to tell me it was awful and terrible and there was absolutely nothing okay about it. But he's also not going to tell me, with perfect recall, how you get from where he was before to where he was then to where he is now. So I can't trust his assessment of it either can I?
I know that I don't have a bone in my body that would listen to someone tell me the things they did, why they did them, and who they did them to and then assume that I have any right to cut them out of my life. Maybe if I'm given an opportunity to understand it better, and I find something that I can't reconcile, or that I can't understand then I need to be afforded the right to make that decision then. I'm annoyed that the first time I hear from him in ages is to tell me was leaving town and on his way out inform me of a list of demons so I wouldn't "miss" him. That is what makes me want to throw my hands up and take up a new hobby to fill the time that would otherwise be spent checking up with him in his super secret location.
So. I don't know if I'm okay with it. Or if I ever could be. But I sure as hell deserve a chance to figure it out. Which I'm not being afforded. So. Fine. That's on him. Not me. I'm not taking the blame for it this time.