Evangeline Sablier is not broken, but please (handlewithcare) wrote in rooms,
Re: Wren H/Evie S
That's the thing, Wren. I know about being broken. I know how fragile things still are even when you've got it all pasted back together. It doesn't take much to have it topple and smash. And I don't want to give up, because that's not who I am. At all, I would never give up on someone who needs it.
I don't think it is being protective. We're talking about Jack, but I think its more his defense mechanisms than they are mine. It's not that he didn't tell me the first time we met, or that he didn't tell me the handful of times we've been alone since then. I wouldn't even care if he still hadn't told me. His life is his business. But he told me so that I would stop thinking he was a decent human being. Essentially.
And you know he may think that says a lot about him and how he's feeling. But what it really says is a lot about what kind of person and friend he thinks he is.
Its not so bad wanting to protect someone. You know. I didn't tell you this, but one time I sassed Luke because he was so quick to want to protect you that he was refusing to let you return the favor. And its so important to be able to do that for the people we in our lives. Will only let me because when he really needed it he was to weak, or sick, or high, or all of the above to stop me.
He was another one, for so many years I begged him to stop telling me what a piece of shit he was. And how I deserved better. And how I was soooooo saintly Evie for putting up with how horrid he was. And even before he would even agree to take my clothes off I spent all this time batting my eyelashes and telling him it was ok to like me.
I don't know if I have the energy to spend all the rest of my life convincing people to be near me, like I don't need to prove to anyone that I can handle their ugliness. Even if they don't want to take my clothes off, Wren. It's hard. It's really hard. Just once I want someone, anyone, to let me care about them because I want to. Because that's up to me. That's my decision to make, and they can run away and go hide and get into all kinds of trouble and do whatever they want. Cut me off completely. Fine. But that decision needs to be on them. Not on me. I'm not a scapegoat for someone else's lack of hope. I didn't let the father of my child get away with it, I'm sure as hell not going to let a friend of mine get away with it.
I feel like I'm always chasing people, chasing chasing chasing. Please just let me help. Let me look after you for five minutes. Here want a cupcake? Let me do this thing. Can I help? What can I do? I'm here for you. And I don't do it expecting the same in return. Ever. But it would be nice not to be met with a world of "No, you wouldn't understand," or "No this is my problem." Take the God damn cupcake and maybe YOUR problem would seem a little less daunting if you had a five minute sugar high. Christ.