Re: In person: Erik/Charles
I didn't think much about them either, but when my own life became, [he paused thoughtfully, trying to find a word appropriate] when my life became so hard, and almost unmanageable, all that I heard was the despair. It was all I focused on. I used to wade my through it quickly to get to what I needed, what I wanted. Of course I knew it was there, everyone has pain and bad memories and nightmares - but its all I remembered when its all I had of my own.
[It was a simple enough statement, said calmly and without much pain involved, he'd dealt with it and moved on. He was still a bit scarred by it, as anyone would have been, but he knew how to get well again. It was something he wished for Erik, but had no idea how to facilitate it - or if he even wanted to feel better at all.] It does matter, Erik. Because you did try. But just because you don't succeed doesn't mean you throw the towel in and be a complete and utter prick for the rest of your life. You were only a complete prick before, and I'm sure you can right back to it. [It was true, a bit amusing, but true. Babysteps back to normal levels of prickdom.
He looked at Erik as he moved closer and regarded the question, brow furrowed, and thought over it for a long moment. How to answer, how to take it, and how to be honest.] I have changed, more than once. I could probably do it again if I needed to, people have to learn to adapt and change their lives as the world changes around them.
[He looked down at the ground then, shoulders slumping a bit with a long exhale.] I don't know if I can forgive you, but I'm not nice to you out of fear of you flying off the handle. I'm nice to you because I think sometimes you need to be reminded that someone cares about you. And cares about what happens to you.
I don't know if I can give you what you want, I don't know how long it would take to get to the forgiveness part, and I don't know how long it would take to move on without the shit hanging in the middle. But I can't tell you to leave me alone either. And maybe that's unfair of me, or selfish. But I can't do that.