Re: Sam A/Penny R
I want to be there for people, because that's who I am. That's right.
It hurts me when people hurt, that's also true.
But I don't want to make people better. I want to help make their journeys easier if I can, I know I can't make people better. That's forcing something that can't always be forced. If it's a medical situation, sure I can. I'm a doctor. Take two aspirin and call me in the morning, right? I can heal things that can be healed, bodies can sometimes be healed.
Hearts, and minds are harder. And I know that - I have a heart, and a mind too. But if I can be there, even just as a body in a room, or an ear, or someone in a contact list on a telephone that they know they can call anytime, no matter what, then I'm okay with that.
I don't know if I base my worth on making people better, but I do know that I base my worth on whether or not I've succeeded at letting them count on me. I feel like I've done Cris a disservice. Because I counted on him from the very beginning because he made me feel like I could have a different life, and he supported me in a life changing experience. And without his permission, I leaned on him. And I counted on him for a very long time when we were partners. Maybe without even realizing it. Definitely more than I should have. More than any person should trust another person. Maybe that's what drove Olivia so nuts. I don't know what it was. I don't know. I don't even know if I ever will.
And then I came here, and that was gone. Completely. Entirely. Not because of anything he did, or I did. It wasn't anyone's fault. It wasn't anything. It was all me, losing something without warning, because at home, I was still looking for him right? Still holding out hope. And to get here, and have him tell me all I needed to do was pick up a phone and call Olivia, and he didn't pick up a phone and call me, I knew then that I had put too much faith in our friendship, in whatever it was we had when we were partners. It stung, right? But I didn't fault him, he had a lot going on. I let it go. I let it sting me, and pushed it down. I had no right expecting things like that. Who the hell was I? No one.
But I still missed it. So instead, I tried to be that for him, because I felt that he was struggling, I saw him struggling, he told me he was struggling. I saw the people he loved struggling. And I dove in, and tried to be for him what he was for me. And yes, maybe I did it wrong, maybe it felt like I was trying to make him better, or force something that couldn't be forced. Maybe all of that is true. But where he succeeded with me, I failed with him. And then I faltered and failed with others all around me. Clinging like mad to some hope. Like an idiot.
I tried to explain it to Cris and he thought I was in love with him, I decided early on not to fall in love with him, but apparently missed the part about not putting all my faith in him too. Forgot to check that box.
All I know is that having everything drop out from under you that you depend on is hard. And I'm trying to find my footing. And you want me to concentrate on me? I can do that, but that's a lonely fucking thing to concentrate on, Sam. And I don't want to. Because at the end of the day, when I step back and really look, I feel like I got nothing, and got no one, and why should I have anything? I am nothing, and no one. So yeah, I focus on other people. Because focusing on me is the worst thing you can ask me to do.
I'm sorry for dragging this out with you, you don't need this shit, honey.