Re: Clem/Penny
He's got so much going on already, like you said. And I ain't been able to help since I got here. Far as I can tell I just make things worse. And I just added to it by throwing a bunch of words at him that made him think I'm lovesick. And its different than that, it's bigger than that, I can't explain it. I don't want to try anymore it'll just sound worse I guess. How do you tell someone how important they are to you if all they want to do is push you away any old way they can? And that's all he's been doing. All these things I know, I find out from other people. Things I feel like he would have told me himself a long time ago.
I want to be the easy part of his life, and I fouled that up.
And I want to help, and I can't. I fouled that up.
Every time something bad happens and I can't protect him from it I feel like I failed. Because I feel like he would have protected me from it if we were back home. So now here it is, maybe the tables are turned and its my turn to step up and let him lean on me and I can't do it. I can't make it stick, I can't be strong enough that he feels like he can lean on me the way I would have leaned on him. He'd look after me if I was in trouble. And I'm failing at that, and every time he's in pain or something bad happens and I don't know about it and I find out about it from someone else it's just another slap of failure in my face.
So I take my troubles to him, or I tell him to talk to me, or get after him for not talking to me, or tell him some convoluted thing I think I'm entitled to or "deserve" I'm just adding to his troubles, and I'm failing again. Making it hard.