Re: Louis D/Cris M
Cris, she told me I need to get comfortable with the fact that she isn't going to live for much longer. If that isn't giving up, even if she is seeking treatment for the addiction, I don't know what is.
She needs more than just withdrawal support. She needs real mental health support, if she's gotten so low about her condition that she doesn't even think it's worth bothering to fight for her life, and is telling me to make peace with the idea that she'll be dead and soon.
I don't think trying to get her help is suffocating her. I can agree with many of the points you make, and you're right, I am reductive - this is not a black and white issue where she's bound to fail if I don't do everything I can. But you are absolutely right that just seeing her live with no light behind her eyes is almost worse than her being dead, and right now, from what she's saying to me, that's what is happening. And if she feels that way - like she's on a downward slope to the grave in the next few months - then she needs more than medication, and all the support in the world can't take the place of someone who can really work with her.
I'm not trying to take her choices from her, or turn her into a robot. I want her to survive, and to have the tools she needs for this to not happen again. I want her to feel like fighting for her life. I don't think I'm cruel, or reductive, or a monster for trying to encourage her to get professional help when she is expressing herself to me in this way. How can I respond any other way than to try to help? Moral support isn't cutting it. It's not enough, clearly, or she wouldn't be saying these things.
And I understand that addicts relapse, I'm not completely ignorant, but it's different with Sam and you know that it is. For some addicts, a relapse is a disappointing cul-de-sac in their recovery. For Sam, every single relapse puts her life in immediate, fatal risk. It's not the same. 'Supporting her when she messes up' won't matter a bit if she's already dead.
[The cursor blinks for a good long while.]
If something I said triggered my sister, she can talk to me about it, and she hasn't. If it did, I owe her an immense apology.
If you think I'm selfish for pushing her, fine. I can admit, I'm absolutely terrible at talking to her, and I always have been. I am absolutely overprotective to an unreasonable degree, but after everything our family has been through in the past few years, I don't know how not to be. Something terrible always is around the corner with Sam. I move in front of it as much as I can, but it's never enough. Something always breaks through, and this time, it's her doing it to herself.
I don't want her to snap, or push her to do more drugs. I'm having a very reserved, gentle conversation with her, which will cease at the first sign I'm upsetting her.
But I can't concede to you that I am selfish for not standing back. I cannot believe it's selfish to do everything I can to save her when she says she thinks she'll be dead in a matter of months. I want her to do more than survive, and if that is something she has come to genuinely believe, she isn't getting the help she needs. I'm saying we're not enough. None of us are. I am trying. I'm trying to save her. I'm doing what little I am permitted to do.