Re: Call: Sam A/Cris M
[He knows exactly how much timing plays into it. And he thinks about the lighthouse, and the bedroom, and it all leads him back to the same place: exactly what he said.] Hey, mami, escúchame. I'm not wrong about it. [A little stern.] I know what I feel. [Relenting, soft.] You got this idea, taught to you again and again, lo sé, that you're unwanted, unloveable, that you, I dunno, don't deserve good stuff, that you got no value, and if only people looked at you right, they'd see it,—that I'm gonna pull what Neil pulled. I'm gonna come to a point where I'm gonna realize, shit, you were right all along. You are fucked up or you aren't worth my time. But, I'm not. And maybe that's kinda terrifyin', huh? Maybe it's easier to let yourself think the bad stuff, 'cause then no loss, if someone agrees. [A little sound of frustration. He's pacing.] Or, maybe it's easier, 'cause then you don't gotta worry you're draggin' someone down with you, drownin' 'em, like you said.—And—and I do wanna see you. And maybe it's too big, sayin' I love you too. Y'know, last time we talk, I say, c'mon, mami, lemme call you my girlfriend, and maybe you don't wanna, but you do it, 'cause you feel bad for me, for this lovesick, deluded viejo, huh? This time, I say I did this bad thing, mea culpa, 'n' then I go ahead and say I love you. And maybe that's... unfair. You got other things to worry about. But, I don't want you to think I don't mean it or that I don't feel it, just 'cause you think I don't. Just 'cause it' easier for me not to. If... If it really bothers you, I won't say it again, but it's still there. You gotta know that. And if you don't believe me, my words, I want you to see it, in the way I wanna hold you or touch you or—fuck, it's stupid. Patético, maybe—but, just be around you. You make me feel good, huh? And I don't just mean fucking. I mean, alla it. Alla you. Even those parts you think no one should ever look at or love, the dark parts, inside, where it's all fallin' down—where I swam in, huh? That too. I know I might not be who you want... or... I'm too much, and if you need me ...if you need me to back offa you, I will. I don't wanna lose you, Sam, but if I crash and burn, sayin' this, least I'll have said it, huh?