Anna Milton [supernatural] (![]() ![]() @ 2010-10-01 13:25:00 |
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Entry tags: | anna milton, castiel |
WHO: Anna & Castiel
WHEN: yesterday evening
WHERE: Castiel's room
WHAT: a massage and awkward conversation
RATING: pg13 so far
Castiel decided the bed was the best place though he destermed to procure a massage table for future use, they were just too useful to do without. He laid out the oil, the warm towels, and found a CD of soothing music. Lit a little Lavender insence and everything was ready. All he needed was his client. And he knew he had his work cut out. He hoped his fingers were up to it.
Anna had decided to shower as soon as she realized she wasn't getting around this massage thing. She could have used her mojo, but a shower seemed more appropriate somehow. She pulled on jeans and a tshirt. And with little more than a thought, she was standing in Castiel's room, looking around skeptically. "This is really not necessary, Cas. You know I can just... *make* my muscles relax."
"Maybe you can," Castiel smiled. "But have you?" He cocked his head, looked her up and down. "From your stance I'd say no." He patted the bed. "Shirt off, stomach down."
This had bad idea written all over it. Anna was the first one to shout praises over Cas' good ideas, and this was probably the first time she wasn't sure he was having a good idea. But she complied, prying her shirt off, not bothering to cover her naked chest because it really didn't matter at this point. She climbed onto the bed, tucking her arms under her head and resting her chin on her hands.
Castiel paid no special attention to her nakedness, it merely served a practical purpose here. The lack of a bra was useful. He oiled up his hands. "That's right, just make sure you're comfortable and relax, breath slowly, in and out. Think of a place you have been that made you feel serene and at peace." He placed firm fingers on her back, kneeling over her, and started working then in little circles.
Anna lay still. She wasn't sure there was anywhere anymore that made her feel serene or at peace. The closest she'd come was with Dean and that thought right now just made her tense up more. And then of course Castiel got to working on her knots, which all seemed to gather between her shoulder blades. She tended to carry her tension in her wings, which he was not likely to be able to do anything about.
"Hmmmm, just what I expected, full of knots but only for now." He pressed a little more firmly, working on the biggest knots first. Castiel's own thoughts went to Anna and Dean. Usually he didn't care at all who slept with whom but this had cause a pang in his chest and he had no idea why. "So," he said conversationally, "Is this feeling better?" he asked.
Anna shrugged a little. She was trying not to think too much about it, or anything. Although considering who and what she was, that was proving difficult. "Still feels tight." The knots were awful and she really needed to loosen them herself, but despite the fact that Gabriel had made it this time, it was still her body and she had difficulty treating it like a vessel.
"Yes, it will for a while, this takes time." He kept working her, his slicked fingers working in neat little circles and sweeping passes. "I cannot rush it or you will merely get sore."
"Already sore, Cas. Don't think it makes much difference." Anna's shoulders shifted beneath his fingers. Her Grace tensed and pulled back, trying not to let the knots between her shoulders affect her wings was like trying not to let lightening affect thunder.
"Different kind of sore," the angel pointed out. "Just be patient, relax." Castiel kept his tone calm though he could tell she was resistant. "Forget about your wings, only Gabriel can help you with those," he said firmly.
Anna sighed, or maybe it was a huff. She closed her eyes and dropped her forehead onto her hands. "I don't want Gabriel to help me with anything." She almost *almost* added And I'm Fine! after it, but decided that would be counter-productive.
Castiel hands didn't stop working. "Why?" he asked casually, in his professional zone.
Anna sighed again. "It's nothing, Cas. I'm just... stubborn."
"To be stubborn you have to have a position," Cas said pragmatically,
"Thank you, Buddha. I can be stubborn about not having a position."
"But you're not," he said matter-of-factly, fanning his hands over her back.
"Oh? Well then please tell me what's going on, since you seem to understand it better than I do right now."
Castiel frowned. "You're not relaxing, Anna."
Anna sighed. "I don't know how to relax, Cas."
"It's not something you know, it's something you do. Just hush... dearest sister. Lay quiet and feel the movement of my fingers."
Anna lay still, with nothing more to focus on than the steadily increasing thump of her heart and Castiel's steady breathing. She tried to stop thinking, but that was easier said than done. She wasn't relaxing any yet, but at least she was still and quiet.
Castiel knew Anna wasn't really there, he also knew she had a pessimistic streak she had managed to hide as a commander, and he was adept at ignoring it. "After this maybe a warm bath? That's great for relaxing the muscles. I have some special salt." Castiel had done the rounds of the boutique stores on his arrival.
"Sure." Anna wasn't so much a pessimist, not really. Considering the reality of the situation, she was pretty sure she had a realistic view of things. Then again, she hadn't been in the best mood since showing up here.
"Good. I always find them amazingly refreshing."
"I liked baths... you know, when I was mortal."
"They're still good, so I hear," he said warmly, stroking his hands up from her lumbar region to her shoulders.
The more the tension in her body relaxed, the more Anna felt emotionally exhausted. When she was tense, she was able to hold all her stress in, but as she relaxed it was harder and harder not to feel. She sighed again, biting her lip to keep from saying something stupid and pointless.
"It's alright to talk, you know," Cas said calmly
It really wasn't. It was not okay to say anything that was rushing through her head at the moment, through her heart. This was all kinds of a bad idea. "I'm trying to be quiet and still and relaxed and stuff."
"Hmmm, but there are knots I can't get to. You don't have to talk to me but I wish you'd talk to someone."
"About what, Cas? There's nothing to talk about. Talking isn't going to help anything."
"Maybe I need to talk..." Castiel said softly as he kneaded her shoulders.
"So talk, Cas. I'm listening."
"Not now," he said. "You need to relax."
"No, don't do that. Don't bite your tongue because I need to relax. I'm fine. I want you to talk to me."
Castiel did bite his tongue, for a moment longer, but in the end he couldn't really refuse her. "Do you care for him?" he asked, his tone oddly light.
"Do I care for who?"
"Dean."
"Oh. Umm... I guess. Why?"
"A lot?"
"I don't know, Cas. It's... it was just sex. Are you... upset? Does it bother you?"
"No," he said too quickly.
Anna tensed again. She knew that tone. He was as stubborn as he'd ever been. "Cas, I'm sorry. I really am." She shifted beneath him, rolling onto her back and reaching out to brush her fingers along his face. "It was a stupid thing to do."
Castiel sat back, shook his head. "No, it wasn't. You both deserve it." He didn't move into her touch.
With the space to move, Anna pushed up to a sitting position. "Cas, it isn't worth it if it upsets you. I'm not even sure it was worth it even if you weren't upset, which you clearly are." Anna let her hand drop and lowered her eyes for a second. "I'm not really the best decision maker lately. I think it was guilt. I don't know. But it wasn't... Cas, it doesn't matter."
"Anna, you don't have to dismiss it. It is none of my business. I want you and Dean happy, that is all that matters. Really, I'm getting what I need here."
"I've already dismissed it. It was sex, Cas. Dean can get it from any number of women and I don't need it. It isn't about happy or not. Sex is just... sex." She shrugged. At the very least she looked like she honestly believed that, whether or not she really did. She reached out to him again, lifting his chin so that he had to look at her. "Are you really, Cas? Are *you* happy?"
"You both deserve better," he said softly. "You are not me. You want those things." He looked her in the eye and pasted on a weak smile. "No," he said honestly.
"You're not being honest with me. There are a lot of things that have changed, but I can still tell when you're lying to me, Cas. What is it that you want? What do you need? How can I make you happy?"
He snorted then. "You can't give me what I want and you can't make he happy," he said, his true despondency starting to show.
Well that was definitely not the reaction she'd been looking for. That was rude. And hurtful. Anna's nostrils flared, trying to hold back the emotions bubbling on the surface. "Well... I'm sorry."
"There is no need for apology," he said quietly. "It's is merely fact. There is no happiness for me and I have accepted it."
Anna swallowed the lump in her throat, pushing back and standing up. "Well, I'm still sorry. I should have been able to fix it for you, should have been able to... never mind. I'm going to... go... for a walk or something."
"Anna, it's no one's job to fix it," he said, moving with her. "It is what it is. I can only accept it, I can't change it."
"It was my job, Cas. Always been my job. And instead of helping, I'm making it worse."
"You're not making it worse, Anna. I'm not even sure what you mean by 'it'. I don't even know if you do. It's fine. Stop worrying about saying the wrong thing. It's exhausting to watch."
Anna huffed, tugging her shirt over her head. This was stupid. The whole thing was stupid. Anna felt like a dumb teenager all over again. She was trying so hard to be what she was that she was overshooting and becoming someone else. Anna knew who she was. She was Barachiel, but she wasn't just Barachiel. She huffed again, swinging around. She'd been impulsive, maybe a little selfish, but never as anxious as she'd been feeling lately. Closing the distance between them, Anna cupped Cas' jaw and drew them close enough together that she could press her lips to his. She wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, but she did it anyway. Because it was what she wanted.
Castiel kissed her back, even through his surprise. It was reflex, automatic. It had been a very long time since Castiel had refused a kiss. His lips were pliant, experienced. He quickly sought to deepened the kiss because why the hell not? If she wanted to play that game who was he to stand in the way? And Anna was so beautiful. Making love to her would be easy and pleasant.
She could only handle a second of it. The logical part of her couldn't support the impulsive side of her. She returned the kiss as soon as Cas responded, and then a second later she pulled back. "Cas... I'm sorry." She paused and then shook her head. "Not for the kiss, for the Dean thing. I'm sorry... I'm sorry because it's not him I'm in love with." She stood there for a second and then turned around, moving for the door as quickly as her mortal legs would let her.
Castiel was not about chasing women across rooms. If they chose to leave, he let them but Anna wasn't really a women and he wasn't technically chasing. "Anna, I think we need to talk," he said calmly.
"Cas, I don't think now is a really good time to talk about anything."
"I think now is the perfect time. You're here, I'm here and neither of us have anywhere else to be."
"I'm emotionally unraveled and you're high. Not really the best time to discuss things."
"Um, I'm kinda always high Anna. When did you hope to catch me?"
"Cas, I don't know what you want to talk to me about, but how am I suppose to trust that what you say isn't the result of narcotics and not what you really feel? If you can't tell me sober, I don't think I want to hear it." Although if it was what she thought it was, she knew she didn't want to hear it. Rejection sucked.
"They take the edge off, Anna. They're not mind control pills. Jeez, this isn't science fiction."
"They impair your judgment."
"No, they don't."
"Okay. Well, we both know I'm going to assume the worst anyway. What do you want to talk about?"
"That, Anna. I know you care for me but... I don't think you like me right now."
"Cas... it's me I'm not to fond of. My opinion on you has hardly wavered. I'm not to keen on this drugs thing, but I'm not pushing it."
"This drugs thing..." He snorted. "That tells me everything."
"See. Not a good time."
"It would be the same at any time."
"No, because any other time, I would be less emotional."
"Not for long, I know you Anna. We need to talk and I'm sick of skirting around it. I don't have a drug thing. I have a way of being. Can you tell the difference."
"You have a near constant state of inebriation because you think that you need it. It's fine. I don't like it, but if it's what you feel like you need, I'm not going to argue."
"Because I think I... off you go Anna. And I wouldn't try and convince yourself you're in love with me. You're not. You're in love with what you think I should be or what I used to be but you can't be in love with me. You don't know who I am."
"You're still you. The essence of a person doesn't change because they've been through different things."
"Do you really think I haven't changed Anna?"
"You've changed, but your heart's the same, Cas."
"Is it?"
"You know, maybe I'm wrong. Wouldn't be the first time. Maybe you're right. I must be deluding myself."
"Do you want to try and understand or just give up because you don't already know."
"I want to not be having this conversation and storm off with my shame, honestly. I don't really know if this is something I can handle."
"Then you need to decide."
"Don't know if you've noticed, but I'm pretty crap with decisions, Cas."
"Well, I can't decide for you. No one can. Do it, don't do it. All the same to me. You're the one who wants this."
"Oh. Well, then I guess that decides it. I'm gonna go, Cas. And you can just forget all this mess. Sorry."
"That's up to you Anna," Castiel shrugged.
"Yeah." Anna nodded, awkwardly and then turned around and headed for the door again. And then stopped, rethought that whole walking like a mortal thing, and just disappeared.