Who: Gabriel and Anna What: Getting some perspective. Where: In the forest When: The day after this Rating: PG for now Status: Incomplete.
Anna moved out into the woods. She kept going. She got as far from people as she could. And then she sat. And then she stood and paced. And then she sat again. Gabriel had said yes, but he wasn't here, and she was going crazy. Again. She was sure of it.
Gabriel didn't even bother to try and work out what was up with Anna, there was no point. He was just going to turn up, ask and deal with it. He appreared behind her, smiling. "Why the secret squirrel business, huh?"
"No secrets, just... getting away." Anna didn't turn around, but her Grace reached for him as soon as he was close enough to do it. "I don't need to be near people. It only ever leads to bad."
Gabriel just had to roll his eyes. "OK, just calm down and tell your big brother what you did."
Anna closed her eyes and moved away from him. She leaned against a tree, trying not to feel anything. She wasn't supposed to feel. It wasn't natural. "I slept with Dean. Again."
That was all? "Um, OK, what happened? Didn't get him off?" Gabriel asked lightly.
Anna huffed. She was starting to wonder why she'd even bothered with him. He wasn't going to help, he was just going to mock her. "As if that matters. Doesn't matter. Not important. Not the point."
"I know that, I'm just hoping we get to it soon cause I'm not seeing a problem."
"Of course you're not. You never do. You break the rules and the only one who gets hurt is me. I break the rules and everyone gets hurt. I don't know why I bothered with you. I guess I forgot for a moment that you're not who you used to be. Nevermind. I'll deal with it myself."
Irritation flashed on Gabriel's face. "Careful, sister, there's only so much iof that I'll take. Now speak plainely. I don't have time to watch you dance about the bush and blame me for making no sense of it."
"I'm not human, Gabriel. I wanted a reminder. I thought maybe if I could feel your Grace it would make it easier to stop..." feeling. But she knew better. She knew that Gabriel wasn't going to support her closing off her emotions. So this was a failed attempt already.
"Why do you want to be- oh..., you think if I remind you your an angel you'll get your control back and won't want sex any more. Newsflash, I'm an angel and I'm having the best sex of my existance right here. Why the heck don't you want it?"
"I had a momentary lapse in judgment. Forget I said anything, go back to your girl. I'll handle it on my own."
"Anna, stop it. You can't just ask me for help and get pissy when I don't say exactly what you want to hear. I'm not here to be a yes man. Now tell me why you want to swear off sex after one night."
"Because I have more important things to worry about. Because every time I want something, someone gets hurt. Because Dean is too stupid to hate me for what I did... And now Cas has another reason to hate me, and I bet he won't either." Anna sighed. "And you're just going to tell me to get over it."
"You can worry about other things AND have sex. Dean is a grown up, he can choose for himself and why would Cas hate you?"
"The sex isn't the issue, well only a little. And I'm not going to choose something else over Cas again, not gonna take Dean from him. There's a reason sex is forbidden to angels."
"Whoa whoa, as far as I know Cas and Dean are just friends. You can't take Dean from him with the power of your girl-bits. Why would you think you could?"
"The Yoko Factor."
"Nah, you can sing and, seriously, you can't come between them. Dean has been Castiel's world for the last five years. You can't undo that with sex."
"The only reason this would be a problem is of Cas was jealous. Any reason to think he would be?"
"Right, of course. You're right. I'm fine. Thanks."
"Anna, that's not helpful. Don't clam up just when we're getting somewhere."
"You have a thing for Cas and Cas has a thing for Dean is that the story or is it messier than that?"
"Cas has a thing for Dean, you have a thing for Dean and Cas and Dean has a thing for everyone?"
"My choices hurt people. I can't be what he needs and I can't risk hurting Cas again. We're all safer when I don't have feelings."
"Everyone's choices hurt people but we get free will all the same. Now how are you hurting Cas sleeping with Dean? How is it even his business?"
"And let me remind you, you didn't fall because you wanted to be safe," Gabriel said firmly.
"I'm not fallen anymore."
"Not the point. You made the choice and you didn't make it from fear. Don't let it rule you now. If you want Dean, or just sex, take it."
"Unless you have a good reason to think it will hurt Cas. Do you?"
"Cas needs me. I can't focus on him if I'm with Dean."
"You don't owe him that Anna and, even if you did, why can't you and Dean look after him together?"
"I do owe him. I left him, I hurt him, he's like this because i couldn't stop it. My fault, Gabriel. I don't deserve to-" Anna stopped, huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm not human anymore, Gabriel. I have a duty to take care of Cas. There's no reason to involve Dean."
"He's like this because he chose Dean over Heaven, his chose his own mission. It wasn't because of you. It would have happened anyway. And if you have feelings for Dean? That's a damn good reason to involve him, don't you think?"
"I don't have feelings. I don't. At all." She was like a five year old denying she broke a glass vase. Petulant. Terrified of being punished.
"Um, yeah, right. You really think you can't be honest with me?"
"I don't deserve it, Gabriel. I don't. This whole thing is just... better if I don't have them."
"Anna, when are you going to realise you deserve it as much as Cas does?"
"What have I ever done to deserve anything, Gabriel? When have I ever thought of anyone but myself? I haven't. And all he does is sacrifice himself for everyone else, for the world. We're in two completely different categories."
"You've both made mistakes, fucked things up, done things right. He's not a child or an innocent. Get him off that pedastool and accept you may be a damn site more stable and happier if you had more in your life that chasing after Castiel."
"He makes me happy. He makes me stable. Being without him makes me crazy and miserable! I can't just stop chasing him, I can't stop taking care of him, I can't leave him to this mess he's gotten himself into, Gabriel! I can't. I love him."
"Um, who are we talking about here?"
"Cas! .. Dean. I don't know..." Anna sighed, pressing her palms to her eyes to try and calm her raging emotions. "See, there's a reason angels aren't supposed to feel. Too much. Way too much. I can't deal with this."
"So, you're saying you're in love with Castiel and you slept with Dean who you may also have feelings for?"
"No." Anna shook her head and then sighed. "Yes. I don't know. I guess. It's easier to deal with if I don't have feelings. I was objective once, wasn't I? Before this whole mess. Did my job and took care of business without getting emotionally involved. I want that back."
"Well, you have no orders, no way home, and a mess of feelings just like me. Only difference is I stopped fighting them and I haven't been happier since I left Heaven."
"You stopped fighting them and things turned out well for you. I stopped fighting them and broke people I love. There's a huge difference."
"Who's broken.... by you?"
"I chose to Fall and it hurt Cas and it hurt Uriel. And I... went crazy or something and tried to wipe out Dean's whole family. I feel things and people get hurt."
"You have the right to fall, they had the right to hurt. Hell, I hurt Michael when I left Heaven. I had to make that choice. And Castiel made his choice. He's a soldier and he was never a child so stop blaming yourself for his choices."
"You hurt me when you left." Not the conversation they needed to be having right now. "And you're wrong, you know. We weren't given free will. I didn't have the right. I broke the rules. There's a difference." Anna wouldn't say it, but she was waiting for the punishment to come. She deserved what Michael did to her, probably worse than that. And she hadn't experienced that here, so it was just a matter of time before she got what she deserved here, too.
"You broke the rules because you were able to. You were able to because you have free will. Free will is all about doing what you shouldn;t it's not an absence of rules, Anna. And... I'm sorry Anna. I am. I didn't want to go."
Anna shook her head. "I can't talk about that right now." Any of it, really, but she doubted Gabriel was going to let her get away with shutting down completely right now. He'd already stopped her from doing it once. "Just because I was able doesn't make it okay, doesn't mean I should have, doesn't mean there isn't a price to pay for it."
"I don't know if OK was the word but it was what you needed to do at the time and I get the feeling if you hadn't you still could have ended up hurting those you love. You did it. It changed you but, Anna, that's OK. It changed me too.
"I could have protected Cas, if I would have stayed. I could have stopped Uriel, he *listened* to me. He didn't listen to anyone else. I left and people got hurt. That makes it not okay. And I don't want to do that again. I don't want my feelings to hurt them."
"So, you make one mistake and now you're never going to do anything for yourself again and you think this won't hurt the people who love you? Let me say this. Snap out of it and get a grip. You are not helping either of them by shutting off emotionally and I can promise you that. They are both emotional beings and they'll notice."
Anna was quiet for a while, obviously trying to think up a convincing argument. She had none. She had pretty much talked herself into a corner with the whole no emotions thing. "I can't be with Cas like he is right now. And Dean... wants something I can't give him. So what am I supposed to do?"
"What does Dean want, angel?"
"Normal."
"But he's probably accepted by now he's not going to get that and he let you close, that said something. As for Cas... who does he love?"
"I don't really think it was a conscious choice. I surprised him. He was dreaming and I woke him up. It was my fault and I should have just left." She wasn't touching that last question with a ten foot pole.
"You use the word fault too much. Maybe it was just a nice little thing that happened yeah?"
"Meaning you don't believe in consequences for our actions."
"I do but I'm not a fan of being paralised by them. Why don't you talk to Cas?"
"Have you tried talking to him? He starts off wasted, he gets serious, he gets upset, and then he gets wasted again."
"Yeah, you just have to wait for the middle bit but he's quite capable of expressing himself and understanding."
"I know he is. I just..." Anna shook her head. It was easier not to address it. Easier on them both.
"And do you really think he doesn't want you happy and, if what you did hurt him, don't you think you should deal with that?"
"I was just kind of hoping to pretend it never happened..."
"Didn't you like it?"
"Yes, but that's not the point."
"It's one of the points."
"Which one? The give in to your baser instincts point? Because I think we've been over that one already."
"The let yourself feel the genuine feeling thing of you don't have a role to play that conflicts it."
"I could hurt him. I probably will hurt him."
"He's not a baby Anna. Treat him like a semi-functional adult at least and TALK to him."
Anna sighed again. This was really not what she'd been hoping for when she'd asked Gabriel to come see her. "I don't want to talk about it, Gabriel. Not with him, not with Cas, not at all."
"Well, that's your choice, but don't think it means there won't be fall out."
"It will just be less controlled."
"And this is why I don't want to let myself get involved with anyone. Emotions are messy. And painful. And pointless."
"I'll give you the first two. The last? Is bullshit."
"What's the point if it just hurts all the time? It never ends well."
"The thing about love is it doesn't hurt all the time or even most of the time, just every now and then and like a bitch. Do you think I regret what I have with Laura for one second even though it's messy and had more baggage than Heathrow?"
"I don't know, Gabriel. I don't know anything about you and Laura. I don't know anything about love. Twenty-five years as a human and I'm no closer to understanding them than I was before I Fell. It was a failed experiment."
"Well, let me sum it up for you in three and a half words. It's worth it."
"So what am I supposed to do?"
"OK, let's forget the fall and the baggage and your need to protect Cas... what do you want?"
"You can't just cut everything out and expect me to have an answer to that question, Gabriel. What I want is directly proportional to all the rest of that."
"Well then little sister, what do you want?"
"I want Cas to be happy... and sober. I want Dean to stop blaming himself for everything. I don't want to have all these feelings and be caught in the middle of them."
"Let me clarify that you want Cas able to be sober without falling to pieces but I want that too. And as for Dean... well, that's beyond your control. What do you want for you? What do your feeling demand?
"I don't know what I want, Gabriel. Before I Fell, I wanted to feel. And now I think I regret it. I didn't understand what I was after. And now I just... I want Cas to be okay. That's the only thing I want for me. I want him to be okay and that will make me happy. I don't want him to wake up a mess and to not be enough to keep him happy enough to stay sober."
"That's dangerous, you know. Tying up all your happiness in someone else. I want Cas to be happy too but putting my life on hold? Making that my soul focus? Won't help either of us. Cas and I both want you happy too, like you want Cas happy. Do you think... Dean could make you happy?"
Anna shook her head instantly. Not because she didn't think he could, but because she wasn't willing to risk it. "Dean is a serial one-night stand kind of guy. There's no reason to bother with that."
"You and I both know he's capable of more than that. He just... never had the opportunity to stay anywhere long enough."
"And now he's forced to stay here. Like you are. Like Cas is. And as soon as the gates get thrown open, everyone's going home. That's not the point, Gabriel. I don't think there's enough between me and Dean worth the effort."
"If there's nothing there, fine, that's a reason. Just don't decide on excuses."
"You think everything is an excuse."
"No, that what you just said? That was a reason. I haven't heard many."
"But talk to Cas. You are right you have to be careful. Dean is... important to him in a way we can never understand."
"You haven't heard any you agree with, there's a difference. I have perfectly good reasons, you just think I'm wrong. And I don't know what to say to Cas."
"I think you are too hard on yourself. Cas needs you happy too and you need you happy. There's nothing wrong in trying for that. Just be careful of Cas as much as you should."