WHO: Anna & Cas & Aiden WHEN: Tues night WHERE: Harvelle-Winchester house WHAT: taken care of Aiden & talking RATING: pg
Anna had no idea what time it was, but it was late. She knew that at some point, Jo had poked someone to go get Aiden. And Anna kind of felt guilty, someone else being up with her son. But she wasn't ready to take care of him yet. So she waited a few minutes and then followed, moving softly down the stairs and pausing in the doorway to the kitchen. As they waited for the bottle to heat up, Aiden was making sounds, something that sounded remarkably like "da-da", which he hadn't been doing before she'd left (that she'd noticed). Anna just kind of stood there quietly, watching through sleepy eyes.
Cas looked out the window as he waited for the bottle to heat. He couldn't see much but the quiet dark relaxed him, as did seeing the outline of his best friend's house near by. Nothing like the camp. He stood there a full two minutes before taking the warmed bottle from the microwave and splashing some onto his wrist to test it. He had sat Aiden in his chair while he fixed his feed but went to pick him up when it was done. Aiden held up his arms to Cas and the former angel grinned as he picked up the grabby little baby. "Here it is. Man I wish your mommies and daddy where that easy to cook for. Yes I do." He nuzzled Aiden's belly before turning him in his arms to pop the bottle in his mouth. He turned once more and caught site of Anna. He jumped a little. "Oh! It's you. Wear a bell, mummy. I don't wanna drop your kid."
"Sorry. I was... just standing here." Anna wasn't really sure what she was doing. She was watching and listening. She actually had a tiny smile on her face until she startled Cas, and then she slipped back into the slight melancholy that she always had since Robin brought her back. "Is he... he's not sleeping through the night anymore?" Anna didn't want to bring up that he was starting to talk, that was just a reminder of all she'd missed and the bad things that had made her miss it.
"Sometimes he does. I think he's getting a cold and it's making him restless. I don't think he's that hungry but half a bottle soothes him and he goes back to sleep. Did you want to?" He moved closer to her. "Do you wanna feed him?"
Anna shook her head, taking a step back, looking mildly terrified. She'd held him earlier today, but mostly because Jo forced her to. She could, she knew she could. She was just still too nervous. She wasn't ready to feed him yet. "Did you... have you tried feeding him cereal or baby food yet?" Before Anna went nuts on Petersen and the resort, Aiden had been sleeping through the night for about two months. He wasn't sitting up and he wasn't talking, so she hadn't bothered with solids. But she'd kept some in the house. She just didn't know if they'd started him on solids yet or not.
"Yeah, during the day. He likes apple and hates pineapple so far. Also a big yes on potato, beef and mashed pumpkin. Formula is better for night, though. The foods too heavy to sit on his tummy all night." Cas had been reading up too." He didn't push Anna but her reaction did trouble him. "Maybe you can try him on custard tomorrow?" he said casually.
"You're not supposed to give him meet or acidic fruit yet. That's why he was getting tummy aches." Anna crossed her arms over her chest a bit, mostly to draw into herself. She'd spent a lot of time in self-preservation mode the last year or so - of course here it was just a week or so, but to her it had been a year. And every time she spoke out like that, about anything, she was punished for it. It was hard to break that habit. "I think cereal around five or six should settle his tummy and get him to sleep through the night again." She wasn't going to commit to giving him anything. Tomorrow could be worse than today. She didn't want to risk being near him if it was a bad day.
"But he loves it... it was from one of the jars. I didn't give him a steak. I mean the steaks are as big as he is." Cas shrugged. "I thought he was ready. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt him." He jiggled Aiden a bit. "Good thing you mommy was here to make a little more sense that stupid uncle Cas."
"It's okay. He's okay. He looks good. Healthy." Anna's shoulders relaxed a little bit. "The jars have numbers on them, and little sillhouettes. He's probably ready for the ones, they've got a little sitting baby silhouette... Is he sitting? Does he sit up on his own now?" That could also contribute to the tummy ache but... he looked so stable sitting in his high chair on his own and she imagined he was probably doing good sitting up alone now. She swallowed a bit, trying to ignore the uncomfortable lump welling up in her throat. "Does he have to call you uncle Cas? If we're... If I'm..." Anna sighed a bit. "Never mind."
"Yeah... he's sitting. He's sitting pretty well. I don't think he can be left alone but he can sit up. Only since last week. I'm sure he'l love to show off tomorrow." Aiden was sucking happily, his eyes half-lidded. "And he calls me da-da. Me and Dean... not sure where he got that from."
"Oh. That's... good. I'm glad. He should be sitting. That means he's ready for baby food regularly." It was good trunk control, which meant good swallowing and digestive reflexes. "Are you... okay with that? Not that, he's not really calling you that yet, just making noises. But... if he does?"
"You mean it was okay to feed him and I didn't break your baby?" he smiled a little in relief. "Excellent and... da-da's fine. I mean, he's ours right? You want that for him, right? For Dean and me to be his dads?"
"It was time. I'm glad you started him on it." Glad someone was taking care of her son when she was being a failure of a mother. "Yeah. And Jo's. I want that. He deserves that. I didn't want... I don't want him confused or alone. He needs someone..." Someone better than Anna. But she knew not to say that.
"And Jo's. He just can't do m's yet so no ma-ma." He kissed the baby on the forehead. His baby. His, Anna, Jo and Dean's baby. "And he's less alone than most babies. How many kids get four parents?" He studied Anna's face. "It's okay, babe. You'll ease back in. It'll take a little time. Just keep close to him while it's happening."
"Mormon babies?" Anna kind of shrugged. "He's a lucky baby. I told Jo that earlier. We're lucky, me and Aiden." She watched him for a second, looking a bit nervous and a bit sad. Until she noticed Cas looking at her and she dropped her gaze a bit. She nodded, quietly, not really sure how to express the sort of fear she was feeling without upsetting someone.
"We're lucky too, Dean, Jo and me." His tone was gentle. "I missed you, more than I can say." Cas has come close to falling to pieces from anger and grief when he lost her but he did his best to keep that from her now.
"I was... I did a lot of things... before I left..." Anna wasn't sure why he would miss her. Or Dean. Especially Dean. And Jo. What she did hadn't hurt Jo directly, but Dean hurt Jo because of it. She didn't understand how any of them could forgive her when she couldn't forgive herself. "I missed you. I didn't - I couldn't remember Jo, or think much about Dean. I couldn't remember here. But I missed you. I should have missed them. I would have if I... you know, if I could've remembered..."
"I know, and they know. We know how you feel about us and I hope you know how we feel about you and Aiden. You're family. We're family and we love having you here." He sighed. "But, we need to be able to trust you, okay? So if you feel overwhelmed, tell us about it okay? Come for our help and you have it. Don't wait until it's in shreads."
"I tried. Before. I did. It's... hard. Harder now." Now the only thing Anna wanted to do was curl up into a ball. Every time the conversation got serious, she had an unbelievable urge to flee. And she couldn't. If she still had her Grace, she'd be gone in a second, instinct, without even thinking. But now that she was mortal she had a second to think and stay. Even if she couldn't open up yet, it was a start. "I'm sorry that... we're back at the beginning... worse than before even."
"Doesn't matter.," Cas shrugged. "We start again. So? It's worth it. What we're building here? It's worth it. Stop worrying so much about that. I'm in love with you and there's no getting rid of me. Just don't try and spare us from the things that bother you. It's not how we do things here. You don't have to tell all of us but you have to tell someone. I tell them everything. I'll tell you everything too when you feel better. It's that kinda marriage. Okay?"
Anna nodded. She had been feeling less of an outsider since she got back. Broken, sure. Upset, in a panic, all kinds of sick. But the way Cas talked was different now. It was more inclusive. And Jo wasn't yet, but she was more physically possessive. It was easier to feel a part of it, despite all her trauma. "I'm trying."
"I know and I'm glad. Tells me it matters to you and that's all I need to know right now." Aiden was almost finished his bottle and getting sleepy. "Wanna take this little guy upstairs?" [06:30] lovedlea: "It matters. I'm scared but it matters a lot." Anna reached for the bottle, trying not to get Aiden's attention, to let him doze off. "I'll put this away and follow you up." She couldn't hold him yet, couldn't take him upstairs. And what if she did and then he wouldn't let her put him down? She couldn't. Not yet.
Cas knew what she was doing but he wasn't going to push. Yet. "Actually I'd rather you walked with me. I can clean up later." He didn't try and give her Aiden. "I need your help with his bedding."
Anna nodded, pausing to wait for Cas to head that way. Then she followed right behind him. "What's wrong with his bedding?"
"Nothing but it's easier to manage with two."
"Oh. I didn't know." Anna suspected it was less needing help and more wanting her to be a part of putting Aiden down. Which was okay as long as she didn't have to hold him. She couldn't hold him right now. Didn't trust herself. Wouldn't do it. But she could help with putting him down.
Partly it was to include Anna and partly it was because it was harder to hold sleeping Aiden with one hand. When they got to Aiden's room he stepped back from the crib to give Anna room to work. "Sleep time now, little guy. Mommy's gonna fix your bed and then it's lights out, yeah?"
Anna leaned down, tugging the covers back and moving the stuffed animals to the corners where he couldn't kick them or roll over on them and suffocate himself. She dug around for his pacifiers and handed one to Cas for Aiden. Then she stepped aside so Cas could get him into bed.
Cas popped the pacifier into Aiden's mouth and kissed his cheek before lowering into the bottom half of his bed. He pulled the covers half-way up his body and patted them down. "Sweet dreams, baby boy," he said, stroking Aiden's head gently.
Anna ran a single finger along their son's arm and then turned away and moved for the door. She was trying to take it slow, for his sake as much as her own.
Cas smiled at the touch. It was a start but soon there had to be more. Aiden needed his mom. "Wanna sleep in the big bed?"
Anna nodded, a little unsure. "As long as I can sleep on the outside." Which was... well, completely opposite of what she used to want. But she couldn't handle feeling trapped right now. She needed to feel like she had an escape, even if she didn't need or want one.
"Yeah, wherever you want." Cas knew it was different but she said yes and that was a great start. He took her hand. "I love you, Anna."
"I love you, too." Anna tensed a little at the contact, just for a second before thought overcame instinct and she squeezed his hand a bit, letting Cas lead her back to bed.
Cas settled next to Jo and drew Anna in beside him. He wrapped an arm around her. It was good to have her back. He yawned. "Okay if I drift off?"
Anna curled in against him a bit tentatively. It took a few minutes, but she relaxed little by little. As much as she needed to feel free on one side, she felt more secure in his arms with the blankets wrapped tight around her. She nodded against his chest a bit, wiggling closer. "I'm okay."
"I know. I know you're okay. We're okay too." He closed his eyes and sighed gently.
Anna nodded again and then went still. She didn't think she'd be able to sleep easily like this - not that she ever slept easily anymore - but it was probably less than five minutes and she'd completely drifted off. Her breathing evened out, her body completely relaxed, and she was out.