WHO: Anna & Jo (& Aiden) WHEN: Tues afternoon WHERE: Harvelle-Winchester house WHAT: Jo forces Anna to be mommy again RATING: pg
[20:08] blackpaIadin: After putting Aiden down for his nap and checking on Anna, Jo had made her way downstairs to start cleaning, singing softly along with the radio. After an hour or so, she was in the kitchen finishing up the dishes when she heard Aiden start to fuss and cry through the baby radio. She grabbed a towel, then hesitated and just leaned against the counter, thinking of Anna up there, only a few feet from the door. Quite honestly, she was tired of walking soft-footed around her girlfriend, taking care of her son. After a minute, Jo turned the regular radio up and returned to the dishes, drowning out the baby's cries and hoping her instinct was right. [20:14] lovedlea: Anna hadn't been asleep for a while. She hadn't moved, but she didn't do much moving lately. Once everyone had gotten up for the day, Anna had sprawled out across the bed and just lay there. Part of her problem, thought she wouldn't say it, is that she felt like an obligation to Jo. Like Aiden was just some responsibility. And really the only thing keeping her from running away to hide at Robin's was the promise she made Jo when all this started, that she wouldn't run away and shut them out. Of course at this point she couldn't shut anything out. Aiden kept crying and kept crying and kept crying and Jo was clearly ignoring their son - well, her son, because clearly they hadn't assimilated as well as she'd wanted before all this crap. Anna wasn't sure how long he cried for, but it was a while. And finally the ache in her chest got bad enough that she at least crawled out of bed and crossed to the nursery, standing over the crib and looking down at him, terrified to get close enough to touch him. But he quieted a bit at just seeing her. [20:20] blackpaIadin: Another part of it was that Jo didn't want Anna to waste away, and Aiden needed his mom, his blood-mom, to be around him. She had read a couple of books and they all said that the first few months were important for a baby and a mother so that they could connect...and Jo wanted to make sure Anna was a part of that. When the quieting stopped, Jo eyed the radio as she finished the dishes and cracked open a bottle of water and leaned against the counter, just listening for some sign as to whether or not Anna went in, or if Aiden stopped crying on his own. [20:22] lovedlea: Anna moved toward the crib and just stood there. Cas was working her through the guilt thing slowly, but they hadn't quite gotten to this part of it. The part of it where she felt like she was passing on all of her bad luck to Aiden. She was afraid that even being near him was going to hurt him. But he was quiet. She was standing next to the crib just watching him, him watching her, and he stopped crying. That was a start. [20:29] blackpaIadin: She took a sip from the bottle, then slowly reached out and turned off the regular radio. Jo took a deep breath, then started slowly for the stairs and tiptoed up to the second floor. [20:32] lovedlea: Anna didn't hear Jo on the stairs. Mostly because that's when Aiden decided to start fussing again. And Anna took a step back, looking panicked. Feeling like she'd never done this before. She had no idea what to do to stop him and she was terrified to touch him. So she just kind of stood there. "Shh... Aiden, shh. You're okay. Jo's just downstairs. You're okay." [20:34] blackpaIadin: She paused in the hallway, staying back from the door. Mentally, she was urging Anna to pick him up, because all he really wanted was Anna. [20:36] lovedlea: Anna stepped toward the crib again. She lifted her hand and it was literally trembling. She couldn't do this. She couldn't be a mother. She grabbed the side of the crib for balance, trying not to cry and make it worse. "Aiden, it's okay, buddy. I'm sorry. I am. So sorry. Shh, just... Jo'll come get you in a minute, I'm sure. You're okay, I promise." [20:38] blackpaIadin: It was painful to watch, but Jo was determined to let this happen. She wanted so much to go in there and scoop him up and cuddle him until he quit crying. But instead she just stayed in place, watching in silence. [20:42] lovedlea: Tears welled up in Anna's eyes. She too overwhelmed. It was too much. And he wouldn't stop. And Jo was ignoring him. She crumpled to the ground, leaning against the bars for a second. And then, with shaking hands, dropped the side rail and leaned over it. "I'm sorry you got crap parents, Aiden. I wanted better for you. I didn't want you cursed with all this." Anna reached in, touching one finger to his little hand, which he grabbed onto and wiggled toward. "I'm sorry, baby. Sorry I'm a crap mom, sorry you're stuck in limbo, sorry everything sucks." [20:45] blackpaIadin: At least it was a step in the right direction. Letting the breath out slowly, she took another step forward, but waited to see if Anna continued. She really wanted Anna to trust herself again, and it seemed this was the only way. [20:50] lovedlea: Aiden was reaching out for her, making the grabby hands, and rolling toward her. Anna kept her arm on the mattress to keep him from rolling off, and she didn't pull away when he wrapped around it. But she couldn't pick him up, not yet. Especially not when she was crying. "I can't do anything for you, Aiden. I can't. I don't have anything anymore. They took it all away. I'm no good." [20:53] blackpaIadin: She hesitated, then slowly moved into the doorway. Still, she didn't say anything, instead crossing her arms over herself while waiting. Anna had to do this. [20:56] lovedlea: "They gave you Jo. And she's good. I mean, I know she'd rather have one of her own, but she's good to you. And I'm no good to anyone. So it's better that you just... let her do it." Anna sighed, wiping the tears off Aiden's face with one hand and from her own with the other. [21:00] blackpaIadin: It seemed that while she was close, Anna wouldn't do things on her own. "...Pick up your son, Anna." She spoke quietly from the doorway. "He needs his mother." [21:01] lovedlea: "I can't. I can't hold him. I can't be... I'm not that. There isn't anything left of me for that. I'll just hurt him." Anna wiggled back a bit, enough to get out of the way but not let him roll out of the crib. "He wants you. Needs you." [21:02] blackpaIadin: "He wants his mother. That's you, Anna. Not me. Pick. Him. Up." [21:02] lovedlea: "I can't be his mother anymore, Jo. You can. You're better at it." [21:03] blackpaIadin: "You're his blood." On saying that, she turned and left the room to start down the stairs. She was faking it, though, staying on the top step as she listened to hear what Anna did. [21:06] lovedlea: "Blood isn't as important as you think. Crowley's his blood too." Anna turned around to watch Jo walk away and burst into tears again. Which only upset Aiden more. His little fingers reached for her, grabby and in a panic. Which only made Anna start to panic. It wasn't until he started wiggling and rolling toward the edge that she actually grabbed him. And then it was more instinct than intention that she pulled him against her chest. Didn't stop her crying, but it calmed him down a little. [21:33] blackpaIadin: After a moment, Jo moved back towards the door and stepped into the room. On seeing that Anna had finally picked up Aiden, she took a deep breath, then let it out and stepped over, wrappeing her arms around both of them and laying her cheek against Anna's shoulder. [21:34] lovedlea: Anna sighed, leaning back against Jo, still sniffling. "I'm sorry." She didn't indicate who she was directing it at. [21:36] blackpaIadin: "Don't be." Pressing her lips to Aiden's head to soothe him, she tightened her arm around Anna. [21:38] lovedlea: "His whole life is..." Anna sighed. "It's so hard for him because of me. And hard for you and Cas. And Dean." [21:39] blackpaIadin: "Life's always gonna be hard. But we'll get him through it. Together." She closed her eyes, sighing quietly. [21:40] lovedlea: "We make it harder for you..." [21:41] blackpaIadin: "Wouldn't be worth it if it was easy." [21:41] lovedlea: "We're interrupting your plans." [21:41] blackpaIadin: "You're in our plans now." [21:41] blackpaIadin: "Besides...I don't have any plans, really." [21:42] lovedlea: "Yeah you do. You'd rather have your own baby." [21:44] blackpaIadin: "Not 'rather have'....and besides, who knows if that'll ever happen." This was a subject Jo didn't really want to have right now. Letting Anna go, she wrapped her arms around herself and moved over to the crib to raise the side rail again. [21:44] blackpaIadin: want to discuss* [21:46] lovedlea: Anna shrugged, staying where she was. She sighed. This whole thing was too hard to deal with most of the time. [21:48] blackpaIadin: Glancing over her shoulder, Jo met her eyes. "How are you feeling?" [21:50] lovedlea: "Horrible. Tired. My chest hurts." [21:50] blackpaIadin: "It'll get better." [21:51] lovedlea: "I don't know. It gets better and then... worse again." [21:52] blackpaIadin: "Eventually it'll be better, Anna." [21:52] lovedlea: "I don't want to keep hurting everyone." [21:52] blackpaIadin: "You're not. The situation is...which will change." [21:53] lovedlea: "Everyone keeps saying that." [21:54] blackpaIadin: "Which could be a hint that we're right." [21:55] lovedlea: "I guess. Or stupidly optimistic. Which is what I keep telling Cas... not that he listens. He's stubborn." [21:55] blackpaIadin: "So?" [21:57] lovedlea: Anna shrugged. "Just..." Sighing, Anna tried to relax, but her shoulders were still tense. "I dunno..." [21:57] blackpaIadin: Moving over behind Anna, she started to rub her shoulders slowly. "How does Aiden feel to you?" [21:58] lovedlea: "I don't want to hurt him. I can't... do anything for him anymore." Anna leaned back against Jo, more starved for contact than she liked to admit. [21:59] blackpaIadin: "You can be here for him. Raise him. Be a mom to him." [22:00] lovedlea: "I keep hurting people. What if I hurt him too? What if I've already hurt him? You're... you're better at it than I am." [22:01] blackpaIadin: "Anna...I have no idea what I'm doing here. I never know why he's crying or what he needs and I'm really a poor substitue for the real thing." [22:02] lovedlea: "I don't know either. And you're... more the real thing than I am now." [22:03] blackpaIadin: "Just because I feed him? Anna, that's the same as being a wetnurse for someone. They used to do that all the time back in the old days, and sometimes still do. It doesn't change who you are to him." [22:04] lovedlea: "You take care of him. Do you... I mean, you love him, don't you? You're his mom too. More than I can be right now. More than I've been for months." [22:05] blackpaIadin: "Yeah...I love him. Very much. But I can't be his mom without you." [22:06] lovedlea: "But you have been. For months." [22:06] blackpaIadin: "You haven't been gone months, Anna." [22:07] lovedlea: "I wasn't any good before I left." [22:07] blackpaIadin: "Anna, do you love him?" [22:08] lovedlea: "Of course I do. But I'm... dangerous." [22:08] blackpaIadin: "We're here to help." [22:08] lovedlea: "I know. He's lucky to have you." [22:10] blackpaIadin: "Us." [22:12] lovedlea: "You and Cas and Dean. We're lucky to have you."