Castiel (strappedonwings) wrote in ridgewayresort, @ 2011-09-26 20:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | anna milton, castiel harvelle-winchester |
Who: Cas and Anna
What: A much needed talk
Where: Outside the back door
When: Sunday night
Warnings: None
Status: Log. Complete.
lovedlea (6:04:52 PM): Anna had slipped outside again sometime after dinner. She was sitting on the ground not far from the door, having left it open so they could see her from inside. She'd eaten most of her dinner, now she was just feeding the leftovers in bits and pieces to Johan.
minutemarch (6:08:35 PM): Cas needed air. He needed a lot of air lately, more than most people needed in a lifetime. He was actually surprised to see Anna out there and almost turned away but he didn't want to be inside. He rested agnaist the wall, hands in his pockets. "Hey. Missed you earlier."
lovedlea (6:09:59 PM): Anna lifted her eyes for a second. And then she kind of shrugged and went back to feeding Johan. "You weren't around. Dean was at work. Jo was sleeping. I didn't think anyone would miss me."
minutemarch (6:11:20 PM): "I always miss you when I can't see you. Dean and Jo too."
lovedlea (6:14:04 PM): "It was just a walk." Anna shrugged again, wiping her hands on her pants and setting her plate aside. "It was *supposed to be* just a walk..."
minutemarch (6:15:16 PM): "Supposed to be?" Cas moved a little closer. "What did it turn into?"
lovedlea (6:16:46 PM): "I got lost..." And then it turned into a breakdown, but Anna couldn't put that into words yet. She was trying, but it was instinct to shut down after what she'd been through.
minutemarch (6:19:20 PM): "You got lost here? How?"
lovedlea (6:20:08 PM): "I just walked. And walked. And kept walking. And then... it was just trees and more trees and they all look alike."
minutemarch (6:20:27 PM): "Why did you walk so far?" he said sofrly.
lovedlea (6:21:39 PM): "... I don't know. You were gone. Jo was sleeping. Dean was at work. I got up, had a bowl of cereal," more than half of which she'd left on the table, "and put on my shoes and just... I walked. I don't know. I wasn't thinking."
lovedlea (6:24:03 PM): "It's quiet out there... lonely... safe..."
minutemarch (6:26:40 PM): "It's okay. Sometimes I just walk too." Not lately. Lately he dadn't done much of anything for himself. "It's good to see you... walking."
lovedlea (6:27:21 PM): "I couldn't stay in bed anymore. My... ass hurt."
minutemarch (6:28:36 PM): Cas thought of his own neglected... ass. "You feel okay?"
lovedlea (6:29:07 PM): Anna looked up at him, exhaustion clear on her face. "I don't know how to answer that."
minutemarch (6:30:39 PM): He sat down beside her. "You will. In time." He rested his chin in his hand. "You should move back into the main bed."
lovedlea (6:31:14 PM): "Is that your opinion or did you talk to everyone?"
minutemarch (6:31:55 PM): "It's your bed too. Why would I need to ask around?"
lovedlea (6:32:25 PM): "I know Jo's mad at me. I saw the conversation." Which led to the getting lost. And the breakdown. And almost not coming home.
minutemarch (6:33:53 PM): "She not mad at you. She' frustrated. We were supposed to... We had plans and Jim messed them up."
lovedlea (6:35:38 PM): "It's my fault she's frustrated."
minutemarch (6:38:03 PM): "In a way. I mean, you played a part but the payback was over the top and we can make it up to her."
lovedlea (6:39:27 PM): "I can take Aiden and stay with Robin if you want. For a while. So you can do what you were going to do before."
minutemarch (6:41:32 PM): "We can't do what we were doing before without you."
lovedlea (6:42:25 PM): "Maybe it would make Jo less upset."
minutemarch (6:43:12 PM): "No. Dean and I paying her some attention will make her less upset."
lovedlea (6:44:11 PM): Anna opened her mouth to argue and then decided against it. She shrugged again. "Okay."
minutemarch (6:49:53 PM): "Okay. You paying her some attention would too."
lovedlea (6:50:20 PM): "She's upset with me. And I don't want to invade you bed if she's not okay with it."
minutemarch (6:51:05 PM): "She's upset at the situation and it's not an invation if you're coming home."
lovedlea (6:53:21 PM): "The situation is my fault. It's okay, I know when to take the blame." The first time she'd sounded sure of herself, and probably the worst time for it.
minutemarch (6:56:10 PM): "So take it and let it go," Cas said, sounding casual. "Move on. With us."
lovedlea (6:57:25 PM): "It's hard. It hurts to be awake. It hurts to be asleep. It hurts to breathe."
minutemarch (6:58:40 PM): Cas put an arm around her. "I know. That's when you lean on us 'cause, believe me, we feel it worse when you keep it to yourself."
lovedlea (6:59:46 PM): "I keep making it worse... I can't see better. I keep looking, I keep trying, and it just gets worse again."
lovedlea (7:00:59 PM): "They were right..." She sniffled a bit, going somewhat tense. "I always hurt the people I love."
minutemarch (7:01:41 PM): "That's because you can only see your part in it. You're isolating yourself. You can't factor us in but you can trust us. And yeah, you hurt us. So? Couples do that. Friends do that. You forgive and move on or what else do you have?"
lovedlea (7:03:10 PM): "I don't know how."
minutemarch (7:05:08 PM): "Yeah you do. You've done it before."
lovedlea (7:05:46 PM): "And I fall back into the same cycle. Every decision I make is a bad one."
minutemarch (7:06:30 PM): "Not every one."
lovedlea (7:06:57 PM): "They all go bad. Someone always gets hurt."
minutemarch (7:08:16 PM): "You can say that about any thing. I think you need to be less hard on yourself."
lovedlea (7:09:26 PM): "I think you're too optimistic."
minutemarch (7:09:41 PM): "Look at my life. What else can I think."
lovedlea (7:10:52 PM): Anna shrugged, mostly because she knew arguing would upset him.
minutemarch (7:13:05 PM): "I know I don't deserve this but... I don't want to lose it."
lovedlea (7:14:43 PM): Anna lifted her eyes, narrowing her gaze in confusion. "All you've ever done is for the good of everyone else. No one deserves happiness and love more than you."
minutemarch (7:15:30 PM): Cas dropped his gaze to the grass and he shook his head. "What happened to you/ It's my fault."
lovedlea (7:16:11 PM): "No it's not. It's mine. I deserved that. None of it was your fault."
minutemarch (7:19:57 PM): "I... I was the one who handed you to them," he whispered
lovedlea (7:21:24 PM): "You don't think I know that? You don't think I knew it was going to happen? And I came anyway. Again and again. It wasn't your fault. You warned me to stay away. I don't blame you. How could I ever blame you for that? It was what I deserved and I knew it... know it."
minutemarch (7:23:17 PM): "You didn't..." Cas rubbed at his eyes. "You shouldn't have come."
lovedlea (7:24:48 PM): "I was trying to... fix things. I wanted to make up for leaving you. It was my job to take care of you and I... screwed that up too. I just wanted you not to get caught up in their bullshit. And I... it was time my sins caught up with me. I was ready to take my punishment."
minutemarch (7:27:27 PM): "I did what I needed to. You didn't fail, Anna. I just choose them. I chose them too late. I'm sorry. I was just so... hungry."
lovedlea (7:28:20 PM): "I left you. I accepted what I deserved because of that."
lovedlea (7:33:49 PM): "I broke the rules, disobeyed. It was the first in a long line of terrible decisions and none of the results of all those bad decisions are you fault. At all. None of it."
minutemarch (7:34:58 PM): "I turned you over," he insisted. "You were right and I turned you over."
lovedlea (7:35:48 PM): "You didn't turn me over, I turned myself in."
minutemarch (7:36:34 PM): "Why?"
lovedlea (7:37:07 PM): "Because I deserve it."
lovedlea (7:38:35 PM): "My selfish decisions get people I love hurt... killed... I deserve worse than what they did to me."
minutemarch (7:39:19 PM): "Please, Anna... don't say that."
lovedlea (7:41:04 PM): "Cas, it's true. Things got harder for you when I left. They tortured you because of me. My parents..." Anna's voice trembled for a second and Johan rolled over to drop his head in her lap. "And now here, I just keep repeating the same cycle. I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to not hurt people. He should have left me there."
minutemarch (7:43:39 PM): It was Cas' turn to tense. His voice was hard and low. "Don't ever say that again."
lovedlea (7:45:40 PM): Anna coughed out a sob and then drew it back as quickly as she could. "I didn't mean to..." Not out loud anyway.
minutemarch (7:46:48 PM): "Anna... you need to stop that. You need to take the chance you're been given. You need to always take the chance you are given.
minutemarch (7:46:59 PM): "This is your chance."
lovedlea (7:47:38 PM): "I don't know how to do it right."
minutemarch (7:49:51 PM): "You won't until you hit it and it feels right."
lovedlea (7:50:22 PM): "I don't know how not to do it wrong."
minutemarch (7:51:10 PM): "Find a good example."
lovedlea (7:52:49 PM): Anna shrugged again because... well, it was a better answer than anything else she'd tried. She sighed, wiping at her eyes. "Cas... promise me you won't blame yourself anymore for what happened to me."
minutemarch (7:55:25 PM): "I... I'll try." He whiped his own eyes.
lovedlea (7:56:51 PM): "I don't want you to feel obligated to take care of me because of guilt. Or stressed and blaming yourself. I can't let go if you won't." Not that Anna was expecting to let go, but she knew him holding onto it wouldn't help her any.
minutemarch (7:59:11 PM): "I'm not taking care of you because of guilt. I'm taking care of you because I love you. I thought... I was clear about that."
lovedlea (8:00:56 PM): "You were but you're... you've been so upset. That's not... it doesn't make me feel like that's what it is. I don't feel that right now. I feel like a burden. You're unhappy, Jo's upset, Dean's just... checked out..."
minutemarch (8:03:21 PM): "Then go in here and hold them. I... I haven't been... I need to hold them. This feels all wrong. I need to be with them. Anna, come back inside and spend the evening with us."
lovedlea (8:04:22 PM): Anna sighed, glancing up at the open door. "What if they don't want me to?"
minutemarch (8:05:54 PM): "I don't think you'd be here if they didn't want to you Anna. Don't sell them short. They've shown you how they feel."
lovedlea (8:07:11 PM): "That was before." Anna looked up at the door again and then sighed a bit. "Can Johan come inside?"
minutemarch (8:08:13 PM): "It's also now, Anna. You're one of us now. You know that." He looked at the dog. "I guess just... don't let him eat all Ikky's food.'
lovedlea (8:10:16 PM): "It's still... shaky ground..." Anna didn't want to make him more upset, but all the security she'd felt before had disappeared. Maybe it would be easier to get back now, but it wasn't just going to be there still. "He already ate what was left of my dinner."
minutemarch (8:15:15 PM): "That doesn't mean much to a dog." He took her hand. "And the ground is just fine. You're a bit shaky."
lovedlea (8:16:49 PM): "I'm a lot shaky." Anna hesitated for a minute still tense, and then sighed and relaxed, tightening her hand in his. "Johan knows better than to eat the cats' food. He's not a normal dog."
minutemarch (8:18:57 PM): "And Ikky's not a normal cat. I swear that thing is psychic. Come on. I need to see them."
lovedlea (8:20:42 PM): "Cats are intuitive." Hence Sebastian not leaving the bed since she got back. Anna pulled up to her feet with a bit of a grunt. She was still sore. Still exhausted. But she tried to ignore it.
minutemarch (8:22:19 PM): Cas pulled open the door. "I love him. And you." He leaned in to kiss her cheek.'
lovedlea (8:23:59 PM): Anna closed her eyes, leaning probably too heavily into him as he kissed her.
minutemarch (8:24:45 PM): He didn't mind the pressure. "Come on, love. You're home now." He led her inside.
lovedlea (8:27:04 PM): Anna nodded, letting Cas lead her. She was pretty much more than worn out for the day, she didn't have it in her to argue anymore.