WHO: Anna & Cas WHEN: Fri Morning WHERE: Harvelle-Winchester house WHAT: Anna finally wakes up RATING: pg
Cas was tired. He'd been watching over Anna since she got back and, though not alone by any means, he felt to worried to sleep much. Usually when Anna slept he watched her but, seeing as it was morning and she was hungry, he headed down to make some pancakes. Putting them on a tray with some juice and a banana he carried it up to her room. "Wake up sleepyhead," he said brightly.
Anna had been sleeping nearly non-stop for three days or so. The first two were hard. Fitful sleep, waking up screaming, flailing - and having to be sedating. But today and yesterday had been relatively calm. She slept pretty easily, only woke up fitful once and it was much less violent than before. So when Cas came to wake her up, she woke up rather calmly. She woke slowly, she wasn't feeling much better, but she wasn't in a panic anymore. "Cas...?"
"Yeah. It's me. Breakfast time." He placed the tray on the bed. "Pancakes."
Anna rubbed at her eyes, glancing around for a minute, trying to figure out what was going on. Her memories were still a bit fuzzy. "I don't think I can eat."
"Yeah, I know, but you gotta try anyway. It's soft and all that. I know you like these. Come on. Sit up a little."
Anna sighed, looking at him for a moment or two without moving. It didn't look like he was going to give in though. Pushing up a little, Anna leaned against the headboard. She didn't reach for the plate, just kind of sat there, staring off out the window.
He sat down beside her. "Hey. Over here, love," he said gently and placed a hand to her cheek. "It's okay. You're safe now."
Anna closed her eyes, turning her cheek into his hand. "Cas... what happened? I don't remember... much of anything..."
"What happened when you weren't here?" he asked softly.
"I just remember... I remember being home..." Anna's lip trembled for a second. "Before that I remember... moving to the upstairs bedroom."
"I don't know Anna," he dropped his eyes. "I wasn't there. I don't know what happened to you." He didn't want to try and guess. "And, yeah, you were getting close to us. We... we'd still like that."
"How did I get home? How did I get back here? What did I..." Anna glanced up for a second, eyes starting to unfocus as she tried to remember. They focused again, on Aiden's crib and she shuddered, too scared to even ask after him.
"Robin. Robin found you." He followed her gaze. "And Aiden is fine. He missed you."
That really didn't explain much of anything. Not much anyway. Anna felt like there were all these pieces that didn't fit. She had blurry images in her mind, but nothing that made a full picture. "I can't see him..." She'd hurt him. She didn't want to hurt him. Better if they kept him away.
"Robin? Why?" After all he'd been through for her he was sure he'd want to see her.
"No, not Robin." Although she wasn't sure if Robin was mad at her or not. She thought they'd been fighting. She just couldn't remember why.
"You'd better not be talking about your son." His voice was low but it had an edge to it.
Anna dropped her gaze again, closed her eyes, drew back into herself. She breathed in slowly, leaning away from him, fighting the rise of tears.
"Anna, I don't know what you're thinking but he's fine. You didn't hurt him. He's fine and he needs you."
"I broke a lamp yesterday. I can't be near him."
"You're not that strong yet. We won't leave you alone with him till you are. He'll be fine but only with you."
Anna's gaze unfocused again. She sighed, trying to remember something else. Anything. What happened before she got sent home, how she'd gotten home. It was just... blurry. And angry. So angry.
"Hey, come on love. Eat a little. You'll feel better. You're pretty weak now."
"I shouldn't have to eat." She glanced at the plate, nostrils flaring for a second, lips pouting in frustration. "Cas... what happened to my Grace?"
Cas swallowed. It was only a matter of time and it seemed the time had come. He wasn't going to lie. "Gabriel took it."
"Why? What did I do?"
"You... it's a long story."
"What did I do, Cas?"
"You... turned this place into a wasteland."
"I...? Oh God..." Anna tensed up suddenly, pushing the tray away from her. She got flashes of what she'd done, of how upset Cas and Dean were. Petersen. She had... go, get away, be somewhere she couldn't hurt them... Anna could feel the panic building up, her heart pounding hard in her chest, terror on her face.
Cas took her shoulders in his hands. "Anna, it's over now. Leave that stuff. It's over. It's done. Let it go."
Anna felt the tears starting to push at the corners of her eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt you. Or Dean... is Dean okay? Is he okay?"
"Dean's fine. He's fine." He'd recovered faster than Cas had. "He's just worried about you." Cas had been so scared for him.
"He shouldn't be. You shouldn't be." Anna sighed, still itching to get up and run. She didn't think she had the strength to anyway, not right now. "I don't deserve it. I ruin everything I touch."
Cas sighed. "Stop that. I'm not having that argument again. We're here. That's it."
Anna's shoulders sunk a bit, not really feeling very secure at the moment. Just overwhelmed and guilty.
Cas nudged the plate towards here. "I'm not angry at you, Anna. None of us are. We want you to let go of that. We just want you back. So, please, eat with me?"
"I can try." She glanced at the plate, not really making a move toward it yet. "Is Robin angry? Is... is Petersen still angry?"
"I haven't seen them," Cas admitted. "Kinda been busy. You know."
"How long have I been here... like this?"
"A few days."
"Have you been here the whole time?"
"Yes."
"Cas... have you slept? Have you eaten? Or showered? You should have... you shouldn't have..." Anna sighed, closing her eyes again.
"I've eaten. It's fine. I chose to be here."
"I'm sorry, Cas."
"It's okay, Anna. I forgive you."
Anna nodded, although she didn't really feel like it was okay. "Cas... they showed me what they did to you. When I was home. They used that to..."
It was Cas' turn to look away. His hand closed into a fist unconsciously. "It's fine. I'm fine."
"It was my fault, Cas. What they did to you." They tortured her into guilt again and again until she finally believed it. It wasn't hard, considering all the things that had happened.
"Exactly how was it your fault, Anna?"
"I Fell first."
"So?"
"I wanted you to come with me. I tried to get you to follow me. You wouldn't have... if I'd stayed. They hurt you because of me."
"Actually I fell because of Dean. I feel because he made me see they were corrupt. It was nothing to do with you."
"They didn't think so."
"They were wrong about something else. Can't say I'm shocked. Anyway, it wasn't your fault and, even if it was, I've never, ever, regretted it.
Anna nodded, although it didn't look like she was very sure about anything right now. She was quiet for a while, just sitting and staring. Anxious. Worried. Losing focus again.
Cas watched her drift a moment. "Don't forget to eat," he said softly.
"My stomach hurts."
"It's empty... how long's it hurt for?"
"I don't know. Since I woke up, I guess." Anna wasn't really sure about much right now. Everything was still a bit unclear, including her own feelings.
"Have you tried anything to eat?"
"I feel like my stomach's in knots. I don't think there's room for something to eat."
"Yeah, I know but you really need to try. Just a little."
Anna glanced at the tray. "If I take a bite, will you go shower and stuff? Eat and sleep?"
"Promise," he said with a little smile.
Anna reached, tentatively, and forked a bite of pancakes. "You're not responsible for me, Cas. You don't have to... keep sitting here."
"Not why I'm here," he shrugged.
"Why are you here?"
He caught her gaze and dropped his voice. "Because I love you."
"Still?" After all she did, Anna couldn't love herself, let alone imagining someone else loving her.
"Well, yeah. Of course still."
Anna nodded a little, taking in a shaky breath, lip trembling again. All she wanted to do today was cry. Curl up in a ball and just cry. It was a terrible feeling.
He reached out and took her hand. "Now eat, ok? I'm getting funky,
Anna glanced down at their hands and just watched them for a minute, like she expected something terrible to happen. She felt entirely anxious. Everything was tense. She glanced at the plate, but didn't make another move for it.
"It's ok, love. It's ok to have something good. You've had enough of the other stuff."
"The other stuff was my fault."
"Only a bit of it."
"Maybe all this is just... what I deserve."
"You mean our love?"
"All my... all the bad things. What they did to me. Getting sent away. All this... everything that hurts." Anna didn't think she deserved his love, any of them, or Aiden, or even Robin. But she knew better than to say that. She didn't want to hurt Cas anymore than she already had.
"Yeah, only no. You're getting what you deserve here, with us."
"I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to hurt Aiden."
"So stay with us."
"Why aren't you angry?"
"I don't know. Nothing good there, I guess."
Anna nodded a bit, but wasn't sure if she really understood that answer. "Are you gonna shower? And go take a nap?"
"Sure. When you eat." "Are you going to sit and watch me to make sure? I'm eating. You can go shower."
"Yeah, I'm gonna make sure. We have a deal."
Anna nodded, poking at the pancakes again. She ate slowly, still afraid it was going to come back up again. "Are Dean and Jo upset? Why didn't they make you shower and sleep and stuff?"
"I slept. They made me sleep. We're fine. Nothing to worry about."
"Did you sleep in bed?"
"Where else would I sleep?"
"In that chair right there."
"Only a few times."
"A few times... in the few days that I was passed out?" That didn't sound convincing. Anna took another very small bite of pancakes.
"I'm fine, Anna. I'm sleeping in the bed tonight." He tried not to make a deal of her eating.
"Okay." Anna nodded. A part of her was afraid of being alone, afraid of the nightmares, but she didn't want to be a burden on Cas. It was better that he slept in his bed.
"Dean or Jo will stay with you tonight. OK?"
"They don't have to. I'm okay."
"They want to."
Anna glanced up at the door, as if they were going to be standing there to argue or something. She dropped her gaze and then poked at the pancakes again.
"Anna, we love you. We're in love with you. We missed you and they wanna hold you too. Okay? I love you."
"I feel like... I'm broken..." Anna could feel the tears welling up again. She dragged the heel of her hand across her eyes to try and stop them.
Cas moved in close and wrapped his arms around her. "I know, love. I know. I hope we can remind you that you're not." He kissed her hair.
Anna sucked in a shaky breath and then the tears started. She let herself slump against him, shaking, tears making his shirt damp and dripping down her cheeks.
"Shhhhh. It's alright, Anna. I'm here, love. You're safe." He supported her wait, rubbed her back. "I'm here."
"Everything feels... heavy. My chest hurts. My head hurts. My stomach hurts."
"I know. They hurt you but we can help you with that. We will help you with that."
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Cas." Anna sniffled, trying not to add snot to the tears on his shirt. "I tried to tell you but I... it's hard... I couldn't find the words..."
"I know. I already know Anna. It's OK. I forgive you. I forgive you." He didn't care about his shirt, just Anna.
"Is Jo mad? That I left? I promised her I wouldn't..."
"She was more worried than mad but you should talk to her. Not like you chose to go."
"I left before he sent me away. I told Jo. I told her to take Aiden."
"I think she got it but talk to her, OK?"
Anna sighed, sitting up again. She wiped at her eyes and pushed her tangles from her face. "Are you gonna go shower now?"
"Well, you ate so I have to don't I?" He kissed her cheek. "Rest, love. Maybe you can have a shower later too."
"I just... wanna go back to sleep." Anna just wanted to sleep forever, until it didn't hurt anymore. She didn't want to be awake and having to face things.
"You can for now but you'll need to get up soon or you'll get weaker. Alright?"?
"Yeah." She wasn't entirely sure she agreed, but she wasn't going to argue. She pushed the tray onto the bedside table and wiggled down again. She felt gross, but she didn't want to shower, she just wanted to sleep.