Reluctantly, Jo met Dean's eyes as he spoke. She swallowed hard, tilting her head into his hand as she thought that over, then let her eyes drift to Cas again. A small sigh escaped when he finished, and she looked down at the blanket they sat on together, thinking things over for a moment - and trying to figure out where to start. Her shoulders were slumped in defeat. Jo simply couldn't come up with any more excuses.
"It...still hurts. Being pulled from heaven like that. I still feel like....like a part of me is stuck there. This world is so...harsh, compared to there." Her voice was quiet - she hadn't discussed this with anyone because in the beginning, Cas had made it clear that he didn't want to hear about heaven, and none of the other angels ever discussed it, either. "Not that I don't love both of you, because I do. It's just....I don't know. It was a different kind of happiness there. So I..." she hesitated, glancing over to Cas, "I was using alcohol like a distraction." Just like he had suggested, when she first showed up in Ridgeway.
"Then when I...I saw that video and my...death. And my mom. I wanted to forget that night ever happened. I thought that drinking would help with that. And it did, when I drank enough of it. Then it...it helped when I didn't want to think about other things." Her eyes closed in shame - she had been drinking when she didn't want to think about Cas using drugs, mainly. Or her first fight with Anna.
She didn't know why she was talking so much now - maybe they had let something out, opened up a hole so everything was coming pouring out. "The dreams....the nightmares....they're horrible. They're about that night, when I...died. And they got worse after New York, when the beast got me. I guess I keep hoping the alcohol will help with that, too."