Anna Milton [supernatural] (ofanangel) wrote in ridgewayresort, @ 2010-10-08 09:45:00 |
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Entry tags: | anna milton, castiel, gabriel |
WHO: Anna & Cas (& then Gabriel after Cas leaves)
WHEN: Thurs night/Fri morning
WHERE: Anna's bed
WHAT: Cas sneaking into Anna's bed does not reap the desired results for him.
RATING: pg13 for language
Anna didn't need sleep. She didn't need a lot of things, in fact, and what she did need she couldn't really get here. But sleep was the one time that her emotions weren't bubbling under the surface and making her hurt everywhere. It was easier to sleep than to be awake. So she slept, almost like a normal person. She was curled up on one side of her bed, in undies and a tanktop, hugging the life out of a pillow. She was asleep enough to not be aware of people for once.
The covers weren't going to stop him if the lock on the door didn't. Cas was in a playful mood. High and bored. He nudged the at the thin sheet and crawled up the bed, a shifting lump.
As a mortal, Anna Milton could sleep through a hurricane; train crash, plane crash, atomic bomb, whatever. It apparently carried over. She didn't hear a damn thing. She didn't feel a damn thing. Not until Cas' skin brushed against hers. And then her only response was half a groan, a chill up her spine that caused her to shiver, and goosebumps from head to toe.
"Anna," he whispered loudly. "Wake up." He shook her shoulder. "I wanted to say hi."
Anna groaned again, a full groan this time, her throat having been cleared from the last one. She shrugged off his grip. And then consciousness took a hold of her. Her whole body went stiff for a minute and she rolled over. And groaned again. "You woke me up to say hi? Please tell me you're kidding... Please tell me you're in dire need of something, that your life is threatened or catastrophe has struck. Don't tell me you woke me up just to say hi."
"... But I did. Just to say hi. I missed you and... I ran out of things to do. Can't sleep..." His eyes wandered down her body slowly.
"I don't know whether to kill you slowly to calm my rage or get it over quickly and get back to sleep immediately. Any preference?"
"Any other options?"
"What did you have in mind?"
"Sex?" Castiel said frankly.
Anna narrowed her eyes at him in what her mother used to call the "death stare". She wanted to pretend that he was joking, but she knew better. "You really think that's a good idea? Or better yet, after our last conversation, you really think *I* think that's a good idea?"
"Nope, probably not." He said, a little more thoughtfully. "But I'm bored and you're awake."
"I wasn't awake ten minutes ago. You woke me up so you could screw me? Even if that wasn't a bad idea on a hundred levels, that doesn't really put me in the mood, Cas."
Castiel seemed to latch onto the last. "You're right. That was remiss of me. Cas reached out a hand and ran his fingers down her arm.
Anna rolled her eyes but didn't pull away. Instead she just sunk back down in the bed with a bit of a huff.
"Gee, make a guy feel desirable why don't you," he said, pulling his hand back.
"Cas, I would really rather not be some random sex object to you. After all we've been through that is so insulting I don't even have words for how it makes me feel."
"You're not an object, Anna. I'm sorry. This was a mistake. I'll see you around." He got to his feet.
Anna sighed, rubbing her hands over her face, trying to decide to bite her tongue. When did that ever work? "What then, Cas? If that's not what this is, then what is it? If I'm misinterpreting, please ease my fears and explain."
"Forget it Anna. A mistake is a mistake. You're... things are different now."
Sitting up, Anna ignored the fact that she was mostly naked, despite the fact that this was more-or-less a conversation about sex. "Oh no, we're not doing that. You started it, you can tell me what the heck is going on."
"There's no point Anna. You don't get it and you don't want to."
"If I didn't want to, I wouldn't be asking, Cas. Please, explain it to me. Maybe I'm going about this whole thing wrong and it'll help both of us if you'll just explain."
"No, it won't. I tried Anna. I tried, Gabriel tried. Nothing has changed and I'm not going to keep doing this. I don't care if you're disappointed in me or disguisted with me. That's your problem."
"Gabriel lectured me and nagged at me. And you... when did you try? You didn't try. You both keep telling me to just accept this. I'm sorry, I can't be okay with it. I can't be happy that you're constantly high. I just can't. I miss us the way we were, Cas. But that doesn't mean I don't want to figure out what we are now. I just can't... I can't just fall into bed with you because that's how you relate to women now. It hurts that you've degraded our relationship to that."
"If you can't be OK with it that's fine and if you don't wanna sleep with me, fine, but until you can accept who I am now you can't have anything else."
"Cas, I don't know who you are now. All I know is that you treat me differently. I don't know if you're angry with me or angry with yourself or you just don't differentiate me from every other woman you encounter, but I can't handle that. I can't handle feeling like I'm not important to you anymore."
"And I can't handle the fact you expect me to change."
"You can't be patient with me? Can't give me time to adjust to this? It's a lot to take in on top of everything else, Cas. I don't know if you realize it, but your personality is completely different now. I can see the old you there still sometimes but it's just... you can't understand that this is hard for me?"
"I can be patient if you give me some hope you're heading towards accepting me and not trying to make me how I was."
"I don't know how, Cas. I'm not saying no, I'm saying I need help. I need you to... well, not treat me like some random screw because you're horny, for one. I need you to at least respect that this is hard for me and try not to be so in my face with all this drugs and free love stuff. I can't just be okay with it without some help. I need to know it matters to you whether we fix this or not."
"So... you want me to not smoke in front of you and try and sex with you. That's it?"
"Well... yes. I mean, I'd like you to think before you speak and try not to upset me for a while. You just... it hasn't really seemed like you care at all whether I'm here, whether we have any sort of relationship, whether I live or die - whether *you* live or die. It's all just felt... futile. It's depressing to lose that and then not even have the hope of fixing it... especially when I know it's my own fault."
Castiel chuckled bitterly. "Welcome to my life."
"Cas... I just need to know it's worth trying. I want to know you want it. If not..."
He shook his head. "I don't know what it is Anna but if it's more guilt and making me feel like a failure I don't care."
"I don't want that. Cas, I don't want you to feel that way. Haven't I been telling you that I understand? I don't agree with it, but I'm not going to condemn you for it. I know you wouldn't have done it if it wasn't necessary for, I know that. It isn't a problem with you. This isn't your fault. I can't handle it. I can't handle a lot of things. I just tend to... mess things up."
"You don't agree with it. So what do you suggest as an alternative besides making your problems mine too?"
"I don't know, Cas. I don't have a suggestion. I can't even handle my own issues."
"So you don't want me to do what I've been doing but you don't have an alternative."
"I never said I had a plan. I just said it hurts."
"What hurts Anna?"
"This gaping chasm between us. Seeing you in pain and not being able to do anything about it."
"It bothers you because you think you have to fix me."
"It bothers me because no matter how I look at it, you're in pain and I feel useless to stop it."
"You can't stop it but... you can be something to me that's not pain."
"What do you want? What do you need?"
"I want... to be understood."
"Or ignored."
"It's hard to ignore you when you crawl under my covers and touch me with your frikin cold as heck hands. Just sayin..."
"I want to understand you, Cas. I want... all this animosity between us to stop. I miss you. I feel like all I've done for decades is disappoint you."
"Then you have to accept me, Anna."
"You both keep saying that like it's a switch I can flip. Like I'm doing this to be a bitch or something."
"You asked what I needed."
"Okay, well, I'm working on it. It's going to take time."
"I don't mind that it takes time. Only that you want to do it."
"I do. I want to fix us. I don't know why you would even question that. When has anyone or anything ever been more important to me?"
"You wanna fix us? Fine. Just stop trying to fix me Anna. You can't."
"Okay. I got it."
Castiel let out a relieved sigh. "OK. Good."
Anna leaned back against the headboard and closed her eyes.
"I should go, let you rest."
"You know I don't need it."
"I do."
"Yeah. You can stay here if you want."
"Maybe that's not a good idea.'
"Okay."
"I'l see you tomorrow Anna."
"Okay. Yeah. I'm glad we talked about this. I'm glad you woke me up."
"Me too Anna."
"Hello little sister," Gabriel said kindly from his position by the wall.
Lifting her gaze to the sound of Gabriel's voice, it took Anna a minute to register... well, everything. She tugged the blanket up to wipe at her face, it just didn't do much good as she hadn't stopped crying yet. "Don't need any I-told-you-so's, no matter how much you sugar coat it, Gabriel."
"Not what I'm here for," he said, moving to sit be her. "Actually, what I wanted to say was I'm proud of you."
"Don't need you to be all morally superior either." Anna sighed, one of those sighs that trembled through her whole body and left her a couple inches shorter when she was done.
"So you want me to be a dick?" he asked, already frustrated.
"I'd rather you just be... I don't know, kind. Quiet. Soft. Like you used to be."
"I was quiet? Must have missed that," he chortled softly, putting an arm around her.
Despite her request, Anna resisted for a second when he touched her. But then she slumped against him. And then curled in, tucking her legs over his lap and her head against his shoulder. Her voice was a lot weaker than it had been in a while. "Not silent, just not obnoxious."
"I guess Cas isn't the only one to have changed," he said softly as he let he snuggle close.
"You were always obnoxious, just not usually to me." Anna sniffled and wiped at her face with her forearm. "I used to think I was your favorite."
"You are, angel cake. It's just, right now, Cas needs me a little more sometimes."
Anna nodded, although it was reluctantly. Mostly because she hated that someone else could help Cas more than she could. "I really messed him up, didn't I?"
"You had a rough start, yeah."
"Maybe it would be better if I just... I don't know... stayed away until I was... better..."
"Maybe taking is slow is better than stopping altogether though?"
"I don't think I can handle another night like tonight. I can't handle him coming to me blown out of his mind trying to use me like a blow-up doll. It's degrading. It's insulting... and I don't know how many times I can say no to him. When have I ever told him no? It's hard. It hurts."
"You're right. He shouldn't have done that and I'll be talking to him. There isn't an excuse and he's gonna know that when I'm done with him."
"No, Gabe, don't. Just... it doesn't need to be talked about."
"Yeah, it does. He can't just disrespect you."
"I probably deserve it. I haven't exactly been, ya know, drawing lines or whatever."
"Stop that. No one deserves to be used like that and you can't imagine letting him think it's OK is good for him. You were his commander. You know this."
"It was my lack of judgment that hurt him in the first place. I promised him I wouldn't hurt him anymore, Gabriel. And if you go scolding him for something that might as well be natural to him as breathing now, it's just going to upset him more. I was his commander. *Was*. It isn't that way anymore. I'm nobody's commander and he doesn't listen to anyone. ... I don't even know that there's a relationship left to salvage."
"You can't have your old relationship back but you can have a new one. And you can't not hurt him. None of us can. Every now and then we all hurt someone. He needs limits, Anna. I know how to talk to him. Trust me and my point is you know how to command. You know what makes a leader."
"I don't know how to limit him. What I want is not something he will put up with, I don't know how low to drop my standards for him. I don't know... what's okay and what's not okay. I think I would rather have whatever he will give me than nothing at all."
"I have been human and female for entirely too long. I need a new vessel. One with a penis."
"He'll go for that one too you know," Gabriel winked.
"Not helping. And also not what I was referring to."
"Don't let him walk all over you, Anna. It's not good for either of you and you have to know that."
"I know. I know I know. I just don't know when enough is enough. It's never been, not for us. Not for my side of it anyway. I should have been cast out a hundred times for all the favoritism I showed him."
"He never caused you any trouble before. Always the good boy. Now it's different and I guess the bar is the same for any other guy. If he's making you feel uncomfortable or disrespect tell him. He still has self control and compassion. He also has drives stronger than his resolve alone can handle.
"Have you seen me deal with every other guy? You're the only other guy that gets anything except growling. Well... and Dean, sometimes. Recently."
"Yeah, I heard you rocked Castiel's world."
"You heard what?"
"You and Dean got down."
"Who told you that?"
"No one told me. I heard..."
"Oh gross. Quit being a perv."
"I wasn't trying to!"
"Well... don't. That's weird. It's weird enough that I even... it's just... ugh."
"It wasn't the highlight of my day either."
"It was... a heck of a lot less stressful than all this crap."
"I'm sure it was. Go have fun. Just... take care."
"Yeah. I don't know. I don't want to make it worse. I don't want to upset Cas. Dean is just... so much less complicated. He doesn't expect anything out of me. I don't expect anything out of him. It's just... easy. Less fulfilling, but easy."
"And it's fine. Just so long as you keep in mind what Dean means to him."
"Which is why it needs to stop."
"Why?"
"Because he doesn't need anything else to be upset about."
"He may not be upset, you know."
"So far the only thing he hasn't gotten upset with me about is watching him sleep. I'm pretty sure it's not worth the risk."
"You gotta live your life, Anna."
"Dean doesn't make me happy. He makes me forget. It's not the same thing."
"You mean like Cas and his drugs."
"I wasn't going for a comparison."
"No, that was all me."
Anna sighed, letting herself sink down against him again. "Why is this so difficult? Why do I always have to complicate things? Why can't I ever be content with what I have?"
"Honestly? I have no idea," he shrugged. 'But few are, I know that."
"There were multitudes of us, Gabriel. A very small number did what we did. Actually, I don't think any of them pulled off what you did... and I'm pretty sure none of them got their Grace back. But the point remains, we're in the minority."
"So? nothing wrong with that."
"I wasn't happy, but I wasn't depressed. I keep trying to balance out the chemicals in my brain, it's just a vessel right? Doesn't matter. Isn't helping any."