Heather Lisinski (irradiated_ants) wrote in ridgeway_comm, @ 2011-11-23 03:14:00 |
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Entry tags: | heather (lisinski) dinozzo |
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I'm tired. Not physically tired, but mentally exhausted. I'm to the point that... If I didn't have Tony... There would be a very real possibility of me doing something incredibly selfish, and stupid, just so I could go home. I'm tired of this place. I'm tired of all... well... It all.
There, I wouldn't feel like I was missing a part of me. Even if I did, I wouldn't feel it for long. With the bounty as high as it is, Major Beck can only protect me for so long before someone breaks through the lines and finds me. Who knows? Maybe I'd just stand in the middle of Main Street and wait for them to get me. Then I wouldn't feel anything anymore, or I wouldn't for long, and someone some where would be happily getting a farm with ground that isn't ravaged by radiation or burned by fall-out rain. And a few barrels of diesel. Maybe a horse.
If I didn't have Tony... I don't know where I'd be. All he has to do is look at me and I know he loves me. I know with out a doubt that he does. Even if the thought of having a baby scares the tar out of him, that look doesn't change. He keeps me out of the bottle, he keeps me from... He looks at me and he doesn't see all the scars and all the burns. He sees me. And I met him after. After I got sent home, after... they got me. He's never seen me without them. Regardless, he calls me beautiful, and gorgeous, and... Legs.
The one time I say something, the one time I can talk about what happened, without hearing my own screams echo around in my head... I get judged for it, by the one person I would never think would. Part of me was telling him so that maybe the dreams would stop. So that maybe Cas wouldn't be in them anymore. So maybe they'd just go away...
The worst part is I can't tell Tony that the dreams are back. I couldn't hurt him like that, he kept them away for so long. Until the ghost showed up... so almost a year. I went almost a year without seeing their faces. Without hearing the dirty, filthy, names they called me. 'Whore, slut... Maybe this will teach you what happens to nosy bitches...' And the blood, god the blood... A person shouldn't be able to lose that much blood and not die. I guess it would have been too merciful if I had.
They're bad now. Worse than they were before. Like they came back with vengeance. Though, I don't know, maybe they just seem worse because Cas is there. He sees what they do to me. And for some reason that makes it so much worse. I guess... it's because I can't pretend that nothing happened, with him, anymore.
Dean's just as bad. I look at him and I know he knows what it's like. I wonder, does he know? Do I wear it around like a shroud for everyone to see? Can they see the whore? The bitch? And Anna... If an angel can't hold it together, what does that say about me? And I hate her for it, I hate her for not... being able to handle it. I hate me for hating her. Because I don't hate people, I didn't hate people... No matter how mean they were. Because somewhere inside there had to be something good something worth... a little kindness.
Merle's a good distraction until Tony gets home. He's getting so big, but he's still nothing but fur. It's like he senses when I need a distraction, he brings me his ball, or his brush. It's like he's saying 'Here Mom, Dad will be home soon. Just do this and it'll be no time.' Dogs don't judge you. And no matter what, they love you. You can be a tear stained snotty mess, and they'll still kiss you. Fill their bowl full of kibble and they'll love you even more, if that's possible.
I've got to get up, I need to help Gibbs with Jack's boat. I've only got a week and a half before his birthday. I hope he likes it.