InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "AKUSAI "

Fred (notdropdeadfred) wrote in resurrectio_rpg,
@ 2009-05-21 15:05:00

Who: Fred Weasley and Alicia Spinnett
What: Erm. Talking. Over Dinner. *cough*yeahright*cough*
Where: Fred and George's Flat
When: Thursday afternoon
Rating: Fred's mouth is likely to take this to a light R or so...
Status: Complete

Fred couldn't pinpoint when things had gotten so awkward with his girlfriend. Katie's death? The funeral? Maybe just before it? He knew she was independent, but he expected her to at least want to talk to him after it had all happened. Everyone else seemed to want to. Why wouldn't she? Wasn't that what couples were supposed to do during loss? Lean on each other? It was hard, he had to admit.

But she'd finally proposed they get together and he was going to make the best of it, even if she'd seemed less than enthusiastic. He's invited her over, partially because he wanted to make her dinner and he was most comfortable in his own kitchen, but mostly because he couldn't stand to be in that flat. Not yet. There was still too much Katie in it. Besides, they'd always just kicked George out and spent time at his place instead. Why change things when it hurt to do so?

He'd started a lasagna and was working on a side salad when he heard her at the steps. "Come on in, love, door's open," Fred called, glancing over his shoulder.

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spinspinspin
2009-05-22 02:12 pm UTC (link)

What ever happened, this was going to be kind of awkward... Having cheated on Fred, and well with Katie's death, it just seemed like things had just been too much. She couldn't blame Katie dying for having sex (a few times) with Marcus Flint. That wasn't fair, and Katie would have hated her for it. It was her fault... And well she was pretty sure Fred would just decide to say goodbye at that exact moment. She wouldn't blame him for it all.

As she showed up, she heard him call for her to come in. As she walked in putting down her bag by the door (she needed to be able to grab it quickly if everything went as badly as she thought it.

"Hey." She said as she walked further in, her jeans in her pockets. "Before the food, I think we should talk." Alicia said getting to the point. It was too hard to just pretend.. she had to tell him the truth.

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notdropdeadfred
2009-05-22 02:17 pm UTC (link)

Those were rarely good words. Sure, things had been awkward since Katie had died, but Fred hadn't expected that as a greeting. He had to force himself not to think too hard on the times when she might've snuck up behind him for a snuggle and the food would go forgotten for a few hours for reasons other than...well, talking.

Slowly, he turned to face her, attempting to smile. "Oh?" he asked, setting the pepper grinder to the side counter. "What about?"

About how he wasn't supportive enough. Or how he should've been there for her more. For a moment he even feared she might be furious he'd been out at dinner with Leanne the night before. He bit his lip to the point of pain, which made his attempt at a smile look a bit more like a grimace.

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spinspinspin
2009-05-22 02:23 pm UTC (link)

"About what I did." She said really simply. Her face was serious, eyes nearly starting to tear up again. Honestly this wasn't going to be as easy to say as she'd practiced it would be.

"You aren't going to like it, and I don't blame you if you tell me to get the hell out right away. If it were you saying it, I'd probably tell you to get the hell out. So I guess I just have to expect it..." She paused for a second as couple of tears fell from her eyes. All she really wanted to do was hug him and just let out all of the pain against his shoulder, but she'd screwed that up... And sure she could pretend everything was okay... That she hadn't cheated, but she had. She had to tell him the truth. It was wrong not to.

"After I found out... about Katie... I well, I was out and I don't even really know how long it was after, time really sort of went out the window.. But it was light out, and I went and picked up some whiskey. I ran into Flint, and well he walked me home, and..." She took a breath. "I slept with him." She nearly added it didn't mean anything. It honestly didn't mean anything, it was just something that had happened, he'd been the only person to cheer her up for a few moments... Either way she figured Fred didn't want to hear anymore.

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notdropdeadfred
2009-05-22 07:35 pm UTC (link)

When Fred had first joined the Quidditch team, he'd taken a bludger to the stomach from one of Hufflepuff's Beaters. He didn't remember much about it except feeling like the breath had been stolen from him as he began a freefall towards the ground.

That was exactly what he felt like just then.

"How could you?" he whispered, his eyes meeting hers for one, heartbreaking second. But he couldn't look at her. Instinct told him when she cried to protect her, and he couldn't do that now. She didn't deserve it. Nor did she deserve the months of devotion and love he'd put into being with her. "How the bloody hell could you, Alicia?" Alright, so the whispering was done and over. The shock was giving way to anger and fury and a hurt that he wasn't sure he'd ever felt before. "Flint? Are you completely mental? For fuck's sake..." Shaking his head, he moved further into the room, crashing on the couch with his head in his hands. If he didn't sit soon, he'd probably suffer the humiliating experience of collapsing in front of the person breaking his heart.

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spinspinspin
2009-05-22 07:50 pm UTC (link)

Crossing her arms she tried really hard to blink away tears. It wasn't like she was proud of herself, nor was she happy with herself. She'd just... Well she could think of excuses or reasons, but honestly why did she do it? Because she was broken? Because she felt like her world had crashed, nothing seemed right anymore. Why bother with anything anymore... Alicia didn't have a good reason.

Ali watched him sit down, but she didn't move to sit next to him. She didn't want to break his heart, she didn't want to hurt him... But she had, seemed that was all that mattered. "I..." She paused trying to find her voice. "I... Don't know." She said trying really hard not to break down and fall down. No, she'd keep herself as strong as possible... Although honestly she was starting to think broken was all that was left for her.

"I probably am completely mental. I have no idea why it happened. It just happened..." She said taking a deep breath. "I just... Well he was there, he made me forget for a moment." She said softly, Alicia didn't really know what else to say, it had happened.

At least she told him the truth, she could have lied. She could feel herself break, she couldn't hold the tears back, her tears started to fall, she knew she was just going to end up leaving with more of a broken heart than she had when she walked in.

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notdropdeadfred
2009-05-22 10:04 pm UTC (link)

"He made you forget?" Fred yelled, looking up at her. "Dammit, you could've come to me! You are not the only one who was hurt, Alicia!" Yelling helped. Yelling meant he was feeling. Yelling meant he wasn't crying and he'd be damned if he was going to cry. No matter the hits he'd taken over the years, he hadn't cried since he was a small child. And he sure as hell wasn't going to start now.

But there was a huge flow of emotions running through him, and anger was only one of them. A strong one, but merely one in a slew of many. Rubbing his eyes with his hands, he released a slow, painful breath. "I miss her, too. So much, I swear I do. But not... I couldn't..."

Only one thought was running through his head. And while a part of him didn't want the answer, Fred knew he wouldn't rest until he asked. "Why? Why the hell wasn't I enough for you?"

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spinspinspin
2009-05-22 10:19 pm UTC (link)

"Yes. He made me forget. He made me smile, okay? He didn't really know her. And I never said I was the only one hurting. And I'm not going to try and rationalize what I did. I'm not stupid enough to know it wasn't right. I know what I did was wrong Fred." She was nearly about to start sobbing uncontrollably. She was already crying, but she was trying really hard not to sob.

"I know you miss her. We all miss her. And I'm the bad one, I get that Fred." She really did get it. Alicia was pretty much the lowest of the low, she knew it. She really didn't need someone to tell her that. Not that she didn't think Fred had every single right to tell her that. He did.

His question nearly made her fall over, that was the last thing she wanted him to think. It was the last thing she... What she thought wasn't the problem. She needed to make sure he would be okay. That was more important. "I know it sounds like some stupid line... But it isn't about you Fred. You're more than enough... I just... I don't know." It was the truth, and she half wished she'd never told him, but she had to tell him the truth... Lying to him would be a lot worse. "I'm sorry Fred... I don't know what made me... I just... I can't change it as much as I'd love to I can't." Alicia was trying to put herself together enough for the Get out she'd been expecting since she walked in.

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notdropdeadfred
2009-05-22 10:48 pm UTC (link)

He made her smile? Marcus Fucking Flint made her smile? He should've been the one making her smile. It was what he did. Hell, it's what he did for a living. Fred almost expected her to come right out and say that it was because Flint was a Quidditch player and he wasn't. But dammit, even that wasn't fair. She hadn't said it and it wasn't her place to calm his every insecurity. But just because he'd chosen a different path for his life didn't make Flint any better than him.

A long moment passed, and Fred considered several scenarios. Throwing her out, calling her the slag he currently thought she was, and the worst option, pleading with her to just hold him and make this go away. But that wasn't going to happen. None of those were. It was only years of Molly Weasley's convincing the boys that they were never to hit a woman that kept his hands at his side.

"Was it worth it?" he questioned, looking up at her finally, blue eyes piercing. "I just... Was it worth all this? I...I loved you, and you threw it away for..." She could say it if she wanted to, Fred was still going to live with the fear that he couldn't be enough. If she'd had to turn away from him to be with someone else, he couldn't have been enough. No one could possibly step away from a happy relationship for one night of messing around if they were actually happy.

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spinspinspin
2009-05-22 10:57 pm UTC (link)

"No." She answered simply, the tears falling quicker. "It wasn't worth it, and I wish I could take it back. But I can't Fred." She said softly, if she spoke any louder she was positive it'd just come out as a crying mess.

"I..." She paused shutting her eyes trying to calm herself down enough to speak. "I don't want to lose you, but I know I did. I know I can't change what I did, and I can't expect you to understand it. I wouldn't understand it, or deal with it, you shouldn't either." Her words were turning into a bit more of a mess as tears kept falling down her face. She at that second wished she'd died with Katie.

"I did throw it away, and I threw it away in a moment of sheer desperation to forget I was standing in the living room of the apartment Katie bought and let me move into when I couldn't afford anything. It's not an excuse, it's just what happened." Her voice was raised more than it had been, as her tears fell quicker. "For the record... I'm the one that isn't worth anything, not you. You're worth the world." She said trying really hard not to fall over for the shock wave of more pain she felt running into her.

"I should probably go." She said softly taking a half a step back, she wanted to see what he'd say before walking away.

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notdropdeadfred
2009-05-22 11:33 pm UTC (link)

Fred swallowed hard. Nothing she said was going to make the cold hard lump in his stomach go away. He did feel badly for her. She'd just lost her best friend, her roommate, someone who was nearly a sister to her.

But she'd also just lost his trust. Even if he could get past the vision of her in someone else's arms, he wasn't sure he'd ever trust her again. He hadn't known it was possible to hurt like this. Even losing Katie didn't compete with the roll of emotions sweeping through him. "Yeah," he said quietly, shaking his head. "You probably should. I don't... I can't do this, Ali. I can't be in here with you right now."

The dinner he'd worked so hard on sat cold on the oven, but he knew without thinking that it wouldn't get eaten. Hell, he'd probably never touch lasagna again without remembering the day she'd turned everything they'd been through upside down. "I want to hate you," he said simply, getting to his feet and staring at her. "I want to hate you so much right now and it pisses me off that I can't because part of me still wants to love you."

He'd fought so hard for this. And watching her cry felt wrong. Like he should make her feel better. Like she was the victim. Like he'd been the one to rip her heart out and make her feel worthless. But he wasn't the one who'd gone running to someone else's bed just to make himself feel better. He wasn't the one who'd disregarded her feelings for one night with someone who was practically the enemy.

No. She deserved to cry. She deserved to hurt because he damn sure did. "You can be the one to explain to everyone who asks why we're over." Merlin, the words sounded so final. But they were, weren't they? He couldn't go on pretending this hadn't happened. He couldn't curl up beside her and hold her and kiss her and pretend she hadn't done the same fucking thing with Flint. "I can't, Alicia. I just... I just can't."

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spinspinspin
2009-05-22 11:48 pm UTC (link)

"Fred... You can hate me, you have every single right to hate me. I'm not worth anything else, and I know it. So don't worry about it. Hate me. It'll probably be easier... at least for." She stopped. "For you to be able to move on." Alicia nearly felt herself fall over when she said that. She didn't want it to be over, she didn't want to not be Fred's girlfriend... But she'd screwed that up pretty well. He had every reason to kick her out and never talk to her again.

It was impossible to explain it to him... Flint was really the first person she'd really seen after... well after. She hadn't been able to go anywhere. She couldn't even stand up for a while after she heard about Katie. She was alone in a flat, Katie had bought.. The flat that Katie invited her into and made sure she was safe... And when she went to get something to drink, she'd run into Flint, he was nice. How the hell was she supposed to explain to anyone that Marcus Flint had been nice to her, that he'd been... well he'd helped her. She was still wrong, and she knew it. It was still her fault, and she knew it. Now she just had to live with it.

Looking at Fred's face broke her heart. "Yeah. I can explain it." She barely got out. This was it. In a very short time she'd lost Katie and Fred... Good going Ali, maybe you can get Angie to hate you too, make it complete. Everything was wrong, everything was broken, she was broken. Frankly she really sort of felt like vanishing from the world.

"I..." She paused as she turned to go get her purse. She paused by the door for a moment looking at him. This was not what she wanted, this was not how it was supposed to be. "You deserve a lot better." She said looking directly at him. Alicia stood at the door for a moment, letting it hold her up. This was going to break her. She knew she had to just leave, but she didn't want to. What she wanted was to go cry in Fred's arm, that'd be better. That was what she wanted. She wanted to feel safe in his arms... But she'd tossed that away. She didn't deserve that. He did deserve better.

With a soft sigh she let go of the door walking over to Fred. She bent down really quickly kissing his cheek. "You'll find better." As the last end of the last word left her mouth she stood up straight, turning around and heading to the door. As she walked through the open door, shutting it very slowly and softly, she tried to keep walking. It was 5 steps away from his front door that she finally fell down. Her tears running wild. Ali wrapped her arms around her legs trying to calm herself down. She had to get out of there, but it was nearly impossible, the girl couldn't stand up.

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notdropdeadfred
2009-05-22 11:58 pm UTC (link)

For his part, in the flat, Fred was every bit as miserable as the girl sobbing in the hallway. Where he'd been ecstatic that George was out only an hour ago for the chance to finally romance his girlfriend properly, now he wanted nothing more than to have his brother there with him. Or Charlie or Bill, or hell, even Ron would be better than sitting there alone, memories of evenings in that very flat lingering in his mind.

The rebellious side of him, the troublemaker who'd all but lived in detention, that man wanted to go out. He wanted to drink and to dance and to find a woman to take the pain out on. In other words, he wanted to hurt Alicia as much as she'd just hurt him.

But he couldn't. And he hated it. Because as angry as he was, the pain was settling in. Maybe later, he'd be able to go out and 'find better' as she'd so simply told him. But for the moment, all Fred wanted to do was crawl into his bed and pull the covers up over his head and pretend the evening hadn't happened.

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