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Severus Snape ([info]professor_snape) wrote in [info]resurrectio_rpg,
@ 2009-05-12 10:04:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Who: Remus Lupin and Severus Snape
What: Comparing notes? No telling, with these two
When: Tuesday morning, before the memorial service
Where: Hoggy Warty Hogwarts
Rating/Status: Low/Incomplete


Most days, Lupin's office was the last place Severus would want to be. But this wasn't most days. This was the day they would hold the memorial for Katie Bell, and though Severus hadn't felt quite right about attending the funeral, he would not miss the memorial. He hadn't known the girl at all, apart from lessons. But still, he had saved her life, and knowing that she had died in that dubious way ... It was difficult enough to watch a student die. It was twice as hard when one had saved that student's life once upon a curse. Worse still was knowing, or at least suspecting, foul play.

Since lessons had been canceled for the day, to allow anyone and everyone to attend the service, Severus hadn't much to do, so he found himself wandering the halls aimlessly in thought. He was actually a bit surprised that his feet had led him to Lupin's office. Though his colleague had issued an open invitation to come by and talk, he wasn't certain that extended to him. Then again, he didn't especially care, either. As long as he was here anyway ... Severus reached up to knock lightly with one knuckle on Lupin's open office door.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-12 12:08 pm UTC (link)
An open door policy with Remus was just that: open door. When he'd offered to lend an ear, he'd meant that for anyone and everyone. But the last person he'd expected to show up at his office was Severus Snape. It wasn't the Potions Master's fault, exactly. Remus was hardly a stupid man, and he knew old hurts ran deep. It was just difficult when one moment it felt like he and Severus might actually be getting on all right, and the next, the other man was his usual, brooding, snippy self.

So Remus' eyes widened in surprise when he glanced up from the papers from his OWL class and noticed who was standing in the doorway. "Severus!" he said, a bit too chipper all things considered. He was trying to keep a brave face for the students who were still walking about in shock, but it wasn't always easy and usually came out too forced. Like just then. "Come in, come in. Can I get you anything? Tea? Cocoa? Anything?"

Alright, maybe he wasn't just trying too hard for the students. But when one had been alone as long as he had, social skills weren't high on his list of talents, either.

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-12 01:57 pm UTC (link)
He probably should have refused any refreshments, but tea made everything better, didn't it? Well, not everything, obviously, but he imagined he might want something to do with his hands. "Tea would be welcome, thank you, Lupin," he said quietly, and without waiting for further invitation, he seated himself in one of the chairs that stood in front of the desk. Now he was here, he wasn't sure what he wanted to say, if anything, or if coming here had been a mistake. Though, if that turned out to be the case, he supposed he could always finish his tea and politely excuse himself...

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-12 08:15 pm UTC (link)
Remus was a full believer in tea making everything better. Tea and chocolate, that was. He stood and made his way to the tea setting he usually kept out, pouring two steaming cups of the light beverage and serving one to his colleague with sugar and a small container of milk. He had an inkling why the other man was there, but couldn't be certain. It was a dark day for all of them, after all.

Taking the seat across from Severus, he lightly sipped at his own cup before offering a small smile. "What brings you around here? You..." The next words out of his mouth were almost, 'you don't come to see me', but that probably sounded a bit desperate for friendship. Instead, he amended with, "You don't make it down this way much."

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-13 10:33 am UTC (link)
"Don't you mean up this way?" Severus corrected automatically, taking the cup Lupin had set out and adding milk. "My office is in the dungeons, after all."

He frowned the second the words had passed his lips, as putting Lupin on the defensive certainly wouldn't help matters. Only when that thought had drifted across his mind did he realize that he did in fact have an agenda in coming there, even if a subconscious one. If it were other, however, he would hardly have been qualified to be Head of Slytherin House. Of course, it also occurred to him belatedly that he had avoided Lupin's question, also automatically, if not too adeptly. Though it had been a while since he had been a full-fledged spy, so it was possible that his skills were getting rusty.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-13 12:37 pm UTC (link)
At the slight correction, Remus' lips twitched in a half smile. Once such a comment might've led to verbal sparring, but that was forever ago. An entire lifetime, it seemed, even though it'd been barely twenty years. Now he was older, and able to see the Potions Master for what he really was: a quiet, lonely man not that different from himself.

"So it is," he agreed, shrugging despite himself. "From down there, going anywhere in the castle would be going up, wouldn't it?" Though he was relatively certain Severus wasn't there to discuss the directional options presented to him from the dungeons, he knew prying wouldn't do him much good. It never had before, after all.

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-13 03:22 pm UTC (link)
"I am indeed moving up in the world," Severus answered, before taking a sip of his tea, and then he pulled a face when he realized that they were making small talk, which was something he abhorred. Well, he supposed it could have been worse. At least they were not discussing the weather yet.

Before Lupin might be tempted to do so, Severus took an obvious deep breath and sighed, to indicate that he was getting ready to speak. "I thought I would take you up on your offer," he said with a slight shrug of his own. Lest he get the wrong idea or assume there was some other offer, Severus quickly added, "To come round and talk, I mean."

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-13 09:36 pm UTC (link)
Remus lifted his eyebrows in surprise, but didn't speak for a moment. He needed to gather his thoughts. It was rare for Severus to come to him. It wasn't quite as rare for them to talk; as he'd said in his journal, he did value the other man's opinion. They were the leftovers, really. Survivors to some, but it still felt...weak. But for Severus to actually come to him with an intention of talking things over?

Taking a moment to think, Remus sipped at his tea before adding a bit more sugar. "About Katie Bell, you mean?" he questioned. "Or...just in general?" That probably sounded completely ridiculous, and a slight smile pulled on his face. "Well, you do have to admit, it's not like you typically make social calls without me begging you to."

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-14 11:36 am UTC (link)
"I thought we might continue our discussion regarding your nappies," Severus said, narrowing his eyes and then pursing his lips, in effect giving Lupin quite the look. Then he took another bracing sip of tea, followed by another deep breath. "I wanted to discuss Miss Bell, obviously."

And just why did Lupin have to do that, anyway? Keep track of their conversations and meetings, as if he were sitting for an exam on the subject? It was infuriating to the last degree. Why did it seem to matter so much? They were colleagues, for pity's sake, not friends. They were never going to be friends -- not if he had any say in the matter.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-14 12:36 pm UTC (link)
Sighing deeply, Remus stared down into his cup. Why was it so hard to break through to this man? They weren't teenagers anymore for Merlin's sake. They'd survived not just one but two wars fighting for the same side. Why was a common ground so damned hard to find?

Pushing the thought aside, Remus looked up, shrugging his shoulders. One more time, he attempted to get Severus Snape to crack a smile. "I was a rather dashing baby in those nappies, I'll have you know. Had all the toddler girls in the neighborhood swooning." Carefully, he eyed his companion for any change of expression. Any at all. No, he wasn't desperate. Really.

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-14 02:02 pm UTC (link)
If Severus's expression changed at all, it was unintentional. In fact, the only conscious change he had made was to raise one eyebrow, slowly, as if to say, "You can't be serious..." All right, perhaps his lips had twitched a tiny bit, too. But only a tiny bit. And it certainly hadn't been to repress a smile, of all things.

"Yes -- well -- while I am certain that you were quite the catch amongst the nursery school set, that really has no bearing at all on the unfortunate accident that has befallen our Miss Bell." No sooner were the words out of his mouth than his face drew into a scowl. It seemed so bloody disrespectful to pair those two subjects in the same sentence. Damn him for doing so, and damn Lupin for making him feel the need.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-14 08:19 pm UTC (link)
Remus could only sigh at that, staring down into his teacup rather than meeting Severus' eyes. By that point he should've been willing to accept that they'd never be close. But defeat wasn't something Remus accepted well. Bloody Gryffindor nature.

"Accident, maybe, but Katie didn't die from that fall," Remus stated simply. May as well cut to the chase. Apparently small talk didn't work and teasing was even less appealing. "She was one of the strongest fliers I knew, and they said in the paper that she was clutching her chest before the fall." No, Remus knew better than to think that was just coincidence. Some sort of attack or heart condition maybe, but the girl didn't just fall at random.

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-14 10:04 pm UTC (link)
"A heart attack is most likely, I should think, especially if she was feeling ill earlier during the practice," Severus agreed with a businesslike nod. He paused for a second to sip his tea, as he pondered how much a fool he would look for sharing his suspicions.

Pushing to exhume the body for an autopsy was obviously out of the question. The girl had only just been buried, after all, and the family would be mortified and offended at the very suggestion. But that certainly didn't rule out ... well, "theorizing" sounded so cold, but that was essentially the correct term.

"It is not unheard of for athletes in their prime to suffer a heart attack, I know ... but something about this doesn't sit well with me." There. He'd said enough. Lupin was no imbecile, and he could have no remaining doubts where Severus was headed with all this.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-16 09:03 pm UTC (link)
Chewing anxiously on his lower lip, Remus nodded. "I suppose what bothers me the most is how young she was. How otherwise healthy she seemed." It reminded him a great deal of another recent death. A fact that he wasn't sure he could keep secret for much longer. It wasn't suspicious, exactly. Just...weird.

There were too many coincidences. Too many similarities. And if anyone would understand where he was coming from, it was the man sitting in front of him. Taking a deep breath, he blurted, "Strange, isn't it? No one knew Ernest MacMillan had a heart condition either before he died."

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-16 10:19 pm UTC (link)
Severus nodded as well, taking a sip of his tea. "Indeed. Though I wonder..." He took a slow breath through his nose, sizing Lupin up. The man knew next to nothing about Potions, of course, but still -- he was no fool. "If either of them had a heart condition that might have been ... given a bit of help."

Frowning, he set his cup and saucer on the desk and exhaled impatiently, deciding he'd had enough of mincing words. "You may think I am simply being paranoid, Lupin, but there are some ... rather subtle potions that can do that sort of thing, and only the most skilled Healer would be able to detect them."

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-17 12:04 am UTC (link)
Though he probably should've looked more surprised, Remus merely lifted his eyebrows. He listened to Severus' theory with interest. Not feigned interest or amused interest, but honestly listening. Because he really believed the words coming out of the Potions Masters mouth.

"I know," he said quietly a moment later. "I may not be able to brew, Severus, but I do read. And..." Shaking his head, he sighed. "I don't want to believe it. Kingsley..." Merlin, he'd trusted that man. Had been close to him. And yet he was just short of accusing him or murder. Or close to it. "I just don't... Ernest and Katie? Why them? What is it."

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-18 12:09 pm UTC (link)
It was all Severus could do to bite back a retort about how he had never known people who failed their Potions O.W.L.s to take an interest in brews that were beyond N.E.W.T.-level, but he managed to suppress the urge. Again, it wouldn't do to put Lupin on the defensive, especially when he seemed to agree ... or at least when he wasn't active attempting to poke holes in the theory.

"I couldn't say, but then -- I didn't know them all that well." Severus slumped down in his chair, leaning his elbow on the arm rest and covering his mouth with his hand as he thought. It didn't seem like Shacklebolt at all, though he wouldn't say he knew the man very well at all, either. Then again, people had said similar things about him immediately after he had killed Dumbledore ... "I don't suppose it's possible that the Minister might be acting under duress?"

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-18 02:14 pm UTC (link)
"You mean...he's being pressured to act against innocents?" The words were blurted before Remus could even take the chance to curb his tongue. But honestly, who wouldn't have been taken by surprise? Though the thought that someone in the Ministry was committing the acts wouldn't surprise him, the thought that it was starting at the top and trickling down... That was new.

Rubbing his temples with frustrated fingers, Remus sighed. "I can't... He wouldn't. What would anyone have on him to... Unless he's being Imperiused? Hell, Severus, I just don't know. How?"

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-18 02:31 pm UTC (link)
Severus rubbed a finger over his lower lip for a long moment in contemplation. "I don't know, to be honest. Speaking as someone who has found himself in a similar situation, however, I wouldn't be surprised." Situations actually, plural, now he thought about it, but all that was in the past, thankfully.

He paused again, hooking his lower teeth under the nail of his index finger -- at least until he tasted something unduly bitter and moved his finger again, pulling a face. It was a bad habit, and as a potion-maker he really knew better than to put his fingers anywhere near his mouth without a thorough washing and cleaning out from under the nails. Sometimes he still forgot, however, especially when distracted by some puzzle or other. This unpleasant conundrum certainly qualified.

"The more important questions would be who and why. The how would likely follow from those, I think." So, who and why? What could anybody hope to gain by killing innocents? "What did they have in common -- MacMillan senior and Miss Bell?"

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-19 12:39 am UTC (link)
Folding his hands together, Remus rested his chin on top of them. Instead of meeting his colleague's eyes, he stared down at the wooden top of his desk. The thought didn't pass him by that, for a time, this had been Severus' desk. But, as much as the other man may have enjoyed the class, Remus knew he belonged in Potions. As it was, the students were facing a serious loss not having him in the future.

It also didn't pass him by that Severus brought up his own past, being torn in directions he'd rather not. For a brief moment, he looked up to meet those nearly black eyes, then glanced away. It was so rare that he got a glimpse into that person. And reminded him once again how invaluable the man was to their side.

He took a long, slow breath, trying to steady his racing heartbeat. This wasn't happening. Only he knew it was. And there was no way out. "Nothing. Not a thing. A middle aged businessman and an athlete in her prime? If you're right, and it's...the Ministry..." The last words were said hesitantly, as if he didn't want to believe it. Which may have been because he didn't want to believe it. "If it is, then... Well, neither one has ever exactly been quiet about their opinions have they?"

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-19 11:00 am UTC (link)
"Exactly," Severus answered, his face drawing into a veritable scowl by now. "I have positively racked my brain trying to think of some other link that would tie the two of them together, but so far, nothing has suggested itself." He had another, more troubling desire now -- namely, the urge to thank Lupin for not dismissing his concerns out of hand -- but somehow Severus managed to suppress that, as well. Instead, he simply added, "If I am correct about the who, then surely that would be the why."

Of course, that didn't get them any closer to the how for the time being. Though Severus hated to admit it, his first impulse of suspecting a potion as the culprit was highly unlikely. His mind always jumped to potions first; it was simply how he was made. The trouble with poisoning somebody, however, was that victim had to be obliging enough to actually take the poison in question, and doctoring a person's food or drink unobtrusively presented a whole host of problems. A spell was much more probable.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-19 07:42 pm UTC (link)
"Katie would be easy enough," Remus pondered, as much to himself as he was to Severus. "She was in the public eye when it happened. A teammate who was bribed or an onlooker... Practises are sometimes open, after all." Rubbing his chin, he sighed. He hated thinking like this. Two wars later and a part of him still desperately clung to a bit of optimism.

But he had to be a realist, too. War had cost him his four best friends, and now possibly Ernest, too. And he owed it to Ernest to try and find who would want him dead. Assuming the theory Severus was proposing was right, his friend hadn't died of the natural causes previously suspected. "But Ernest would be more difficult, I'd think. He was a simple businessman, kept mostly to his family, his friends, and his work." But he did have business within the Ministry from time to time, didn't he?

"Godric, how would I tell Jean?" That part definitely wasn't meant to be answered. Severus couldn't be expected to know how to comfort a woman he barely knew. Remus was simply holding on to the idea that he might be able to somehow bring her some comfort through this.

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-20 11:27 am UTC (link)
Rhetorical or not, Severus still decided to answer the question, though his reply probably wasn't anything like the answer Lupin might have anticipated. "I wouldn't tell her anything for the time being, if I were you," he said quietly, shaking his head. "Not until we are certain, and perhaps not even then. Simply knowing may well put her in danger."

He paused then, licking his lips, and wondered if he ought to feel a bit guilty for confiding his suspicions to the man sitting across from him. Granted, Lupin was no stranger to risk himself, and obviously his thoughts had already drifted into the same territory, if only from time to time. In Lupin's darker moments, Severus thought with a twisted smile. His own thoughts tended to linger in those shadowy places, even in the best of times.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-20 12:59 pm UTC (link)
No, he knew better than to tell Jean their suspicions. But, if it turned out her husband had been murdered? How could he keep that from her? "No, of course not," Remus agreed, and didn't sound for one minute as if he thought Severus were talking to him like a child. Even if a part of him felt like he was.

"What should we do, do you think?" he questioned, eyeing his companion. "How would we go about finding out, I wonder." Dumbledore would've known. But he wasn't there. And he very well may have made several more people miserable in the process. No, better that they were given the chance to work through this themselves. Even if it might take a bit longer.

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-20 03:26 pm UTC (link)
Again, an autopsy would have been Severus's first choice, though that would never work. Not only would that raise the suspicions of, if not outright offend, the surviving relatives, it would also let the Ministry know somebody was wise to them, and what good was hard evidence if it came at the cost of tipping off the enemy? That would never do.

The second thought that occurred to him was to have somebody infiltrate the Ministry on their behalf. Though the idea of having a spy was tempting, they had rather come to the party a bit too late for that. When he had spied on Voldemort, it had been a bit different. He had already been a trusted Death Eater and only had to keep his cover. Building a cover for a new spy, from the ground up, would take precious time they simply didn't have. Of course, one could hardly blame him for his mind going in that direction. He had been a spy for most of his adult life, and he hardly knew anything else.

After a moment, Severus realized he had been sitting lost in his thoughts for an unreasonably long time. Shaking his head, he pulled his wand to warm his tea and then picked up cup and saucer to take a sip. "I don't know," he said at last, exhaling in a frustrated sigh. "I would say that we need a spy, but I don't think I could in good conscience force that role upon someone else, knowing what it entails."

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-22 10:15 pm UTC (link)
It hurt him, physically hurt him to even think the idea. But the Order already had a Ministry employee who was though highly of and respected in the Ministry. A bit young, perhaps, but a protegee of Kingsley Shacklebolt himself.

He didn't want to think it. Remus had known how much danger Severus had been in every day. Even during those moments where he thought the man had been guilty of the worst crime Remus could imagine, he had known it would come down to one side versus the other and the danger he was in if he was discovered. The very thought of putting the person he loved more than any other in that same position made him cold all over.

But he wanted this solved. And soon. Ernest deserved that much.

"Tonks," he said quietly. "She'd do anything to get down to the bottom of this." But it would mean turning against Draco, at least in the public eye. And her new and fragile relationship with her aunt would be at risk. Remus took a sip of tea, but it wasn't enough to settle his stomach. It had gotten far too cold to assist in the matter. "Forget it. Someone else. It can't... She can't. I don't know what I was thinking."

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-23 12:07 pm UTC (link)
Now Lupin had said it, Severus couldn't believe that he himself had not thought of Miss Tonks before. But the reason she hadn't occurred to him as a possible spy soon presented itself: she did not, in his opinion, possess the correct temperament -- meaning, of course, that her personality was diametrically opposed to his own. The situation now was entirely different, however, so perhaps a different sort of disposition was, in fact, called for.

Despite his own previous reservations on the matter, Severus had to admit that Miss Tonks would have an advantage or two that he himself had not. Firstly, she had trained under Shacklebolt, so she knew the man better than most. He had been nothing more than an ambitious upstart who had to work his way into Lord Voldemort's inner circle over the course of many, many years. Secondly, she had access to an old hand at spying, who would share everything he knew with her and give her as much advice as he possibly could. Probably more advice than she wanted, actually, but that was unimportant. Better to be over prepared than under.

"With all due respect, Remus..." Severus said after a long moment of silence, looking up from his teacup with something approaching a smile. "Don't you think that is her decision to make?" He sighed softly and took another sip of tea. "I know you love her, and as such, you cannot help wanting to protect her, but Miss Tonks is no wilting flower. Aurors seldom are."

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-23 03:09 pm UTC (link)
As Severus so rarely used his given name, Remus glanced up in surprise. If he'd wanted to get attention, that's certainly what he got. Despite his usual, good-natured, gentle temperment, the first thing Remus wanted to do was start yelling. Yelling that no, no way in hell were they going to put the woman he loved in danger. He'd watched her hexed by Bellatrix at the Ministry, and he'd almost lost her because of it. It had been easier to withdraw into himself, to hide with Fenrir's pack and make his own contributions than to watch her put herself in harm's way over and over.

They were supposed to be past all of that. She was a teacher now, a respected professor. A safe position, really, despite still working with the Aurors. Now? Merlin, how could he ask that of her?

But Severus was most certainly right about one thing. Tonks would never let him make that decision for her. Just as she'd refused to continue accepting him pushing her away, she'd have to decide for herself if this was all worth it. "No," he agreed, his voice barely above a whisper. "That she's not. I just... What if it were...someone else? What if it were Kaleigh we were talking about. Wouldn't you do whatever you could to keep her out of this?"

Oops. Might've said a wee bit too much there. Well, they were bearing souls, after all. Sort of. Oh, hell. Tonks would either snog him senseless or kill him for that.

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-23 04:32 pm UTC (link)
Severus stiffened in his seat, inhaling with a hiss, and his jaw clenched automatically, almost as if he'd had some horrid accusation launched at him. Having the nerve to care about Kaleigh Nott was anything but a horrid accusation, so he wasn't entirely sure why his reaction had been so strong. Though it took him a moment, Severus finally managed to compose himself, and he narrowed his eyes at Lupin before continuing.

"I would give my life to protect her and anyone else I care about, as well as a number of people whom I cannot stand -- as you well know, Lupin." All right, so he hadn't composed himself entirely, but if Lupin thought throwing sentiment at him was likely to change his mind ... well, he didn't know him at all, despite how much he might have liked to think he did. "Be that as it may," he said after a moment, "I would not get in her way, if she thought she was doing the right thing and chose to fight."

He stopped just short of adding what he was thinking next: that he had more respect for Kaleigh and her decisions than that. It was a cheap shot and he knew it, especially considering all the bumps in the road that Lupin and Miss Tonks had encountered during the course of their relationship. Nor would saying that help to change the other man's mind. Severus decided to hold that thought in reserve, however, in case Lupin was so unwise as to try and nettle him further.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-23 04:59 pm UTC (link)
Remus' cheeks were an unflattering shade of pink, but he attempted to keep his actual expression as neutral as possible. A small bump in the road, that was all. Though he did wonder. Obviously he'd hit a nerve. Would Severus had reacted the same if he'd chosen Narcissa's name instead? Not likely.

He filed it away in the things to tell Tonks when they talked next. Which only reminded him of the subject at hand. And he sighed. "It's her decision to make," he agreed several beats later, staring down into his cup. It should have been obvious, when falling for someone while in a secret group fighting evil, that they'd be in consistent danger. Maybe Remus had allowed himself to get too comfortable. Rubbing his eyes, he gave a slow nod. "I'll talk to her. See if it's something she'd even consider." Maybe he'd get lucky. Maybe she'd say there was no way in hell she'd put all she'd worked for on the line for this.

And maybe she'd grow a clone who'd stay in a safe bubble in his office while she was at it. Or not.

"You'll help, won't you?" It was a moment of vulnerability that led him to pleading with the other man. Perhaps Severus had thought he was digging at him, but the truth was simply that he truly did want to befriend his colleague, and that included confessions of feelings for pretty widows. On the contrary, he trusted him completely and he wouldn't purposely hurt him for the world. "You're stronger at all of this than I am. More than I ever was. She's tough... She'll do what she has to, if she decides to do it. And she's a quick learner. But she's also young and new to all we've been dealing with for years."

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-23 06:23 pm UTC (link)
"Certainly I'll help her -- in any way I can" Severus answered, frowning only slightly as he gave a small nod, followed by a conscious small smile. He wasn't certain whether to be offended that Lupin had even felt the need to ask. After his own experiences, he would never have contemplated, even for a moment, sending Miss Tonks into this blind. "I was just thinking, in fact, that if she decides to undertake such a mission, she has an old hand at spying at her disposal, should she have need of me. Not that the situations are in any way comparable, of course, but I will do anything and everything I can to prepare her."

Now he was babbling, and Severus consciously clenched his jaw this time to stem the chatter before he was tempted to add that he would lay down his life to protect Miss Tonks, as well. He was prepared to do so, absolutely, but for the first time in years, he found himself hoping it wouldn't come to that. Somehow it had been easier to think about sacrificing himself to save others when he could not pinpoint any specific thing that he had to live for. He still wasn't quite sure if Kaleigh alone qualified, or if it was the larger conglomerate of Kaleigh, Teddy, Narcissa, and Draco that made him struggle to carry on living these days.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-23 07:47 pm UTC (link)
Severus was certainly not the only one hoping he wouldn't have to make life or death decisions where protecting Tonks was concerned. There'd been enough bloody loss, Remus didn't want either of them at risk. Whether Severus enjoyed it or not, Remus did care about him. He'd already lost too much, he didn't want to risk anyone else.

"All right," he agreed, looking up at his colleague with a look of finality. "All right. I'll talk to her. Between the three of us..." Despite himself, a tiny smile flickered over his face. They'd made it through a lot, the three of them. May as well keep it going. It just felt strange planning something that was almost Order in nature and not going to Kingsley about it. But if they were able to go to Kingsley, none of this would be necessary, would it?

"We should be getting ready," he said quietly, though he was in no hurry to move. The morning had been a shock in more ways than one. Spending the afternoon mourning one of his students didn't seem any better. "Still don't really believe it's happened. But I don't suppose there's any denying that it did."

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-24 12:00 pm UTC (link)
"No, I suppose not," Severus answered through a sigh, shaking his head, though he would have given almost anything to go back to a time before it had happened, if he could. He set his cup and saucer down once more, leaning his elbow on the chair's armrest and drawing his hand down his face in a long, tired gesture. "I saved her life once, you know?"

He almost added that it had been such a waste, but he stopped himself just in time. That made it seem as if he thought his effort in saving her life had been wasted, not that her life had been. But he still felt responsible for her, even after all this time, and it wasn't an easy feeling to shake. Severus supposed working to avenge her death was the very least he could do.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-24 01:02 pm UTC (link)
"Hogsmeade," Remus said quietly, smiling at the reminder. The smile quickly faded, remembering the course of events that had come through all of that. It had been Draco cursing her, in the end. Tonks had been stationed in Hogsmeade. And in the end, it had ultimately led to Severus' promise to Dumbledore coming to light. Which, of course, none of them had known at the time. Remus could still remember how betrayed he'd felt, being made to trust Severus and then having that trust turned on him.

But that was all long ago, wasn't it? Maybe at times the war did come back and haunt him, but they also couldn't let it rule their lives. "You gave her three extra years. She got a chance to live and to love and to have the career she'd dreamed of. None of that would've happened if it hadn't been for you." Why he felt the irresistible need to comfort a man who hadn't even said he needed comforting was beyond him, but Remus felt an instinctive need to reassure him that though Katie's life had still been short, Severus' actions were still needed.

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-24 02:10 pm UTC (link)
Severus nodded when Lupin mentioned Hogsmeade. That was right -- Miss Tonks had been stationed there at the time, so no doubt Lupin had heard all about the incident from her. Severus rather imagined his killing Dumbledore had erased all his good deeds in the other man's mind, though it was nice to know that the willful amnesia had only been temporary.

"I know," he muttered, nodding again at what Lupin said next and running his finger over his lower lip once more. "Still, that isn't enough. Somehow I don't think any amount of small consolations like that will ever be enough." No sooner had the words passed his lips than he scowled. Severus hadn't the first clue why he was saying any of this, and especially not to Lupin. He simply felt that it needed to be said, but he didn't want to detract from those who had known Miss Bell well by saying so at the memorial. That would have been highly inappropriate, at best.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-24 07:35 pm UTC (link)
Setting his tea cup to the side, Remus folded his hands together and sighed. "Perhaps. Nothing can make up the difference between her being alive and with us and her being taken far too young." Still... "But you gave her enough time to experience life. Something many people don't get to do." Something Remus wasn't entirely sure Severus himself had let himself do, even at his age.

It was something he wanted to mention. He wanted to know, wanted to question why Severus was still keeping himself so locked up. His term serving double duty was over. The dangers weren't there that he'd carried before. He'd been pardoned in both wars. Why wouldn't he let himself simply live? If Katie Bell's death should teach them anything, it should be that age and circumstance didn't dictate who lived and who died.

Remus considered that, too. Was he still letting the past life as a man discriminated against for his condition and a war fighter ruling his own life? "It has to be enough, Severus," he said softly. "Because we can't get her back. And if you live on thinking that your contribution to her life meant nothing, you'll only torment yourself further."

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-24 08:45 pm UTC (link)
Just as he'd suspected, he shouldn't have bothered mentioning anything of the sort to Remus Lupin. Severus tried very hard not to roll his eyes and hiss, "Just what is that supposed to mean?" But it took all the determination he could muster to keep silent and keep his gaze level. Leave it to Lupin to try and analyze him and misconstrue his motivation for broaching the subject in the first place.

"I am not tormenting myself, Lupin," he finally said in a voice of forced calm. "I merely thought it little consolation that she had a further three years, considering that she was mostly likely murdered. And as long as her killers walk free..." He trailed off, scowling again, not entirely sure how to finish that thought. He didn't want to be consoled, perhaps? Yes, that was it. "I don't want consolation. I was justice."

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-24 09:54 pm UTC (link)
"Why does everything have to be a fight with you?" Remus snapped, eyes narrowing, the expression on his face unfamiliar to most who knew him. He was just so bloody tired of this. Of wanting so badly to befriend the man and yet being shot down for one word, one gesture, one idiosyncrasy.

"I'm sorry you can't find some comfort in the bit that you did in that girl's life. And I'm sorry that we don't know who killed her. But if you want my help in solving that, it might do you a bit of good to act like it matters." Getting to his feet, he shook his head, his dark eyes narrowed. "You're not the only one who wants justice, Severus. It's likely the same person who killed Katie Bell killed one of my closest friends while they were at it. That isn't going to stop me from remembering the good parts of Ernest and Katie's lives. And knowing the lives they led will only make me worth that much harder."

It was quite a speech from the normally quiet man, and Remus let out a long, slow breath, before turning from Severus to the books on his shelf. It was an old habit, as if just reading familiar and comforting titles would make everything better.

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-25 10:29 am UTC (link)
He very nearly bellowed, "Because fighting is all I know!" But again, he managed to stop himself, though only just. Somehow Lupin always, always, managed to get under his skin, and he had never liked it one bit. How he had managed to successfully shield his mind from Voldemort with Occlumency all those years whilst Lupin could waltz through his defenses with absurd ease...

He also didn't like to think about why that might be, but he suspected it has something to do with actually trusting Lupin, loath as he was to admit such a thing. Severus leaned forward, now resting an elbow on the desk, and began to rub his forehead with his fingertips. He was too old and had been through too much to feel this awkward. On the other hand, he had begun to resign himself to the fact that whenever Lupin was involved, a certain amount of awkwardness was to be expected.

"Forgive me, Lupin," he finally managed to say, though it took almost as much effort as remaining silent had before. Still, he was glad he was currently addressing the other man's back, because he imagined he would have experienced a great deal of difficulty from looking him in the eye. "I never meant to dismiss your grief or discount your assistance, and if it seemed that way, I apologize."

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-28 10:27 am UTC (link)
Remus knew there would always be a degree of unease between them. The history between the two of them was thick. As a teenager, Severus had almost been killed by Remus himself, though neither of them had known that at the time. Years later, it was Severus' words to his students that had cost Remus his position at the school. The two had been back and forth at each other since they were kids, spurred by so called friends and beliefs.

But they were adults. They didn't exactly have large support systems. Shouldn't it have been enough to put everything else behind them? Why was it so hard to ease over that common ground? "I'm sorry," Remus said quietly, turning back around to face the man. "I'm just...on edge, is all. I think we all are right now, or should be."

Katie and Ernest had both seemed like innocents. Neither head first in the war the way the two in the office were. So why them? And if their theories were true, who was safe and who wasn't? Biting his lower lip, he attempted a small smile. "Didn't mean to take your head off. Course, it could be argued, it'd make a brilliant experiement." Why he bothered still attempting jokes, he'd never know.

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-29 10:46 am UTC (link)
This time, Severus did roll his eyes. It never failed: just when he had started to give the other man a chance, Lupin would make some dreadful joke at his expense, usually related to some sort of harm befalling him. And he had the nerve to wonder why Severus didn't like him. Then again, so many years spent in the company of people like Potter and Black, who did wish him harm on a daily basis, had undoubtedly left their mark on Lupin's sense of humor.

"I suppose we could both learn to be a bit more polite on occasion," he said finally, giving the other man just a twitch of a smile. Since Lupin seemed to pride himself on his manners, and Severus ... well, didn't ... he could only hope that little barb possessed the intended sting.

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[info]chasingmemories
2009-05-29 02:09 pm UTC (link)
It was Remus' turn to roll his eyes, but his gesture was more playful. As far as he was concerned, he was putting any snipping and arguing behind him for the moment. They were there for a reason far more important than either of them, or their differences. So instead he gave a much larger smile than Severus' tiny one. "Don't let Minerva overhear you," he warned, a sparkle playing about his eyes. "She'll have us enrolled in charm lessons in a heartbeat."

He moved to begin gathering up his things, tidying the essays he'd been marking earlier and clearing the desk of any odds and ends. "It's nearly time to be in the Great Hall. We'd have to begin our politeness lessons with punctuality, you know."

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[info]professor_snape
2009-05-29 03:16 pm UTC (link)
Unfortunately, it hadn't had the intended effect at all, though Lupin's response regarding charm lessons caught him quite off guard. The small sound Severus made at the back of his throat might just have been mistaken for a repressed snigger in different circumstances. The sort of circumstances that did not involve Remus Lupin in any way, and certainly did not Severus Snape laughing at anything the other man might have said. "Perish the thought," he said dryly, followed by just the hint of a smirk. But not an actual smirk, of course.

When Lupin began to tidy his desk, Severus stood and straightened his robes before pulling his want to vanish what remained of their tea. "Indeed," he replied to Lupin's suggestion of beginning their lessons with punctuality. He thought momentarily about making an exaggerated gesture toward the door and proclaiming, "After you!" Seeing as they were in Lupin's office, however, that wouldn't quite work, so he decided to save that show of "politeness" for another time, and perhaps a less somber occasion.

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