nishka//loki (nishka) wrote in repose, @ 2018-04-03 16:16:00 |
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Nish parked in the lot near the carnival, sitting in the car for a moment to check her texts before getting out. Nothing new, so Sadie hadn't backed out. She smiled a little to herself and locked the car behind her. ’Look, I get it, you miss other humans, but she's dangerous,’ Loki protested. ’Can't you just find a fuck buddy or something?’ “She's a friend, Loki,” she sighed, “and we don't know that for sure.” ’I know it for sure. She's like us. Not...exactly...but she's not normal.’ There was a pause, and then his tone changed to that of grim resignation. ‘At least be careful, if you won't listen to me.’ She nodded in acknowledgement and approached the gate where spotted Sadie already waiting for her, and waved with a smile. ---- Sadie stood where she said she would, at the front of the carnival. Both she and her clothes were at least clean today. It was one of the many new constants in her life that were decidedly good signs. She had work, actual jobs, several places to sleep, plenty of food, and she was even making friends. By all accounts things were going right and Sadie had actually let herself get comfortable for a moment. She forgot to keep a tight grip on her behavior and she’d slipped….again. Just when things were starting to go right. Again. It was why her eyes were glued at her feet when Nish pulled up. Sadie knew what she’d done, what this probably meant. In her panic she’d put an idea in someone’s head. Even as harmless as it was, it was always the first domino. It was the catalyst for the series events that meant, inevitably, she’d have to leave. Whatever life, whatever people she’d met, however happy she was, she’d slipped with Nish and now the clock was ticking. And it just...it really sucked this time was what it did. It was going to turn into more things like that borrowed iPod, that folded coffee cup, and other such mementos that lived in her violin case. She couldn’t run from what she’d done, she had to be responsible for it. She had to fix it. That meant letting the cat out of the bag, the second domino. It was the beginning of the cascade and it made her sigh heavily when she caught that wave out from under the skew of her heavy brow. She felt beyond guilty for what she’d done but, well, as her Grandma would say, Tis time to pay the piper girl. So she’d just raise her hand a bit meekly when the other woman approached, speaking quietly and thickly accented when the woman approached. “’Lo Nish. S’good ta’ see ye’ again, itisitis.” Feet shuffled slightly. “Sorry it's been a spell. Did’nae mean to make you worry none.” ---- She noticed Sadie’s discomfort right away and a hint of a frown graced her smile. She leant in just a bit, trying to catch her eyes and encourage her to lift her head, smiling a little more once they met eyes. “Are you sure you're okay?” she asked, holding eyes with her for a bit and then, on an impulse that made Loki extremely uncomfortable, pulled her to her in a hug. “Hey, you did nothing wrong,” she said softly, holding the embrace until Sadie made the move to pull away. Even Nish would have to admit now that this wasn't like her. This was like the old her, the one that had a sister, the one that babysat the next door neighbour’s kid and treated her like the younger sister she never had. She'd thought that Nish was long gone. Apparently not. “Come on,” she said, pulling away, “I want some cotton candy,” she grinned. “Then maybe some actual lunch.” ---- Sadie didn’t know what to make of the hug. It could have meant a dozen good things or equally as many bad, but she wouldn’t fight it either way. She’d skip the question if she was okay, she wasn’t, and just lean there. At least, this time, if it was all going to go to pot? Well, maybe she’d get lucky and it’d at least go peaceful like. Leaving town on the tail end of a hug like this wouldn’t be so bad. Plus she’d make sure to undo whatever she’d done to Nish. Nish, who was standing here saying Sadie hadn’t done anything wrong when Sadie herself damn sure knew otherwise. “S’kind of ye’ to say tha’” Which was just as much her way of saying she didn’t believe it either. Sure the command was small, arguably innocuous, but that wasn’t always how these things worked. Sadie figured she’d have to see how bad the damage was and see what it’d take to undo it. Maybe it’d be easy? Maybe it’d be a small thing she could just erase without anybody noticing or freaking out? Wouldn’t that be something? The thought just made Sadie sigh. She wasn’t that lucky and she knew it. “Sure. Can do that.” She pushed her voice out a little, something she’d long ago figured out how to do, despite her mood. “Just, ought to be careful some yeah? Folks are talking about all manner of oddness goin’ on about, not really somethin’ I need to add to the plate now, ya’ know?” Again, the notion of her general favor in regards from fortune and how low it was in returns, struck Sadie in the chest. People were apparently forgetting things, but Nish probably hadn’t forgotten what had happened. “Got some more money of me own though, could pay this time, if’n you want. Be the least I could do fer everythin’ you done. Appreciate it a lot a lot.” She forced a small smile, managing to swallow her guilt down enough to at least seem friendly. ---- ’See? Loki chimed in, ’she’s pulling away. She knows what she did, and how dangerous it is. We should too.’ ’Would you stop that!’ Nish shot back, ’I’m not abandoning her because of a mistake. And besides, there was no harm done. Maybe we can help her…’ ’What??’ Loki protested in alarm, but Nish ignored him and focused back on Sadie. “That’s great,” she said when Sadie mentioned having a bit more money. “I wanted to treat you though,” she said “a lot a lot,” she added with a grin, following Sadie into the Carnival and glancing around at all the flashy stalls and games and people. “I thought you could use some cheering up.” She paused their walking and looked down at the guarded look on the girl’s face, a sad smile on hers. “Now I know you can,” she added, lightly bumping her shoulder with her arm. “Come on...you can show me the best place to get food and not get food poisoning, and we can find somewhere to sit,” she grinned. ---- This was one of those times Sadie genuinely wished she had more of a poker face. Would it have done any good though? Nish was like the big sister Sadie had always wanted, the family she missed so badly. It cut through any notion she had of barriers and had probably played a considerable hand in how she’d slipped. Even that little bump, a gesture that was common from her Mother, pulled her back. It drew her into step with Nish, it left her shoulders looking eased. She hovered a little close even, holding onto that tender hope that so often got her in trouble. “...Can treat if you really want.” Which it sounded like Nish really did and Sadie, guilty as she felt, couldn’t say no. That had been the thing about Nish so far, where Sadie had been careful to make sure everything offered was not Sadie’s fault. She trusted the other woman, she was just nice like that, like a lot of people here were. It was another piece to the puzzle of what Sadie had done to her, the one that made it so awful in fact. It was the one that made it hard to look at her, that made Sadie have to work extra hard to make sure she could keep up. “M’Fine.” She spoke softly still, but she tried to underline the point. She really did mean it. Even if it wasn’t true. “Still don’t know many good places but we can try a new one?” Since there was no getting out of it, Sadie tried to just hold onto the idea that it was a nice goodbye. Then of course there was the big issue and...and Sadie just sighed again. It was time to be the grown up, to be responsible about what had happened and just put the cards on the table. Putting it off was nice an all, but it was selfish and she knew full well she wouldn’t taste anything but guilt in her mouth. “But if you’re sayin’ ya’ wan’ae talk? Maybe restaurant might not be the best’a places? Dependin’ on what tis you wanna talk about…” ---- Nish glanced over at Sadie at her last comment, watching her for a moment as they walked. “Alright, are there any restaurants here? You pick, you know this place better than I do,” she said. Part of her was nervous about what they’d talk about, and agreed with Loki that this could be dangerous. If Sadie refused to talk about it, Nish would be outing herself, and she wasn’t sure what that would mean for her. At Pax, they’d all been learning about their inner deities together, but here...until the other night, she had been sure she was the only one who was...different. ’Is she like me?’ she asked Loki, ’like James?’ ’I don’t know. I’m not sure, I just know she’s...different.’ She frowned just a touch at that, but held her silence, instead smiling over at Sadie as she led them around the carnival, looking for a place for them to have some food and relative privacy. --- “At the Carnival?” Whether it was obvious to Sadie or not, what Nish had meant about the restaurants, this would be her question. It was evasive, something removed from the billion and one things in her head, but it was also pleasant besides. It was something that went back to how they’d met which, though not all that long ago, was a rare high note in her life. Perhaps it would be a bit biting later, to say goodbyes in the same way in which they had said hellos, but Sadie justified it as...kind of poetic? ...Maybe? Clearly wrapping her head around it wasn’t going to be as easy as Sadie had hoped and the notion drew a long sigh from her as they walked. She didn’t even really pick a direction at first, just kind of wandered this way and that, picking her head up just enough to get her bearings when she needed them, but keeping her guard up to some extent too. It was obvious after about two turns that Sadie, perhaps because she was distracted, had no idea where she was going. It drew another sigh, this time with her looking around to see that had a relatively solitary stretch of sidewalk for the moment and no approaching traffic. “Should maybe jus’ get it out the way...” Her thickly accented voice trailed off the suggestion sullenly. She knew what was coming. She knew that trying to avoid it was both stupid and selfish. She knew that her Ma’ma and Grand’ma’ma would be disappointed if she tried that, and besides...Nish didn’t deserve that. Nish had been nothing but nice to her. She’d fed Sadie, she’d given her a place to sleep and be safe, and what’d Sadie do? One bad dream and she mucked it, and here she was, even considering taking a free meal. The guilt filled her stomach at once and her head hung low for a moment. Finally, she forced herself to lift it, to make eye contact, before she bade her voice in a clear suggestion, thinking she might undo the damage she’d done. “S’alright you know, s’jus’ fine like, can tell me to go, anytime you want. You don’t owe me anything, and there’s no need to go sharing a bed again. I’m just fine at the Carnival. You dun’ae have to worry about me.” It was an awful thing to have to do, but there it was all the same. Now, no doubt, Nish would put two and two together. Now there would be the inevitable panic and shouting. The, rightfully directed, anger, and Sadie would be heading for the nearest road out of town with her thumb stuck out. After buying Misha new nail polish, because that part was important… ...But it still meant leaving town again and...and she probably should have brought her violin with her. Another sigh, another scuffed too on the street, while Sadie just waited for the bomb to drop and her life to go up in flames. ---- It took a few minutes to notice that they seemed to be just wandering rather than walking directly to a destination, and she glanced over at Sadie. She looked extremely uncomfortable, reminding her fondly of how Josie used to look when Nish was babysitting her and she’d gotten into something she shouldn’t have. She couldn’t help but smile, at the memory and the similarities playing out right in front of her, and did a terrible job suppressing that smile. And then there it was. This time, Nish was awake and sober, and she noticed it too. A slight tugging feeling, that she couldn’t exactly pinpoint. Sadie’s words affecting her, and bouncing off at the same time. ’See??’ Loki insisted. Nish ignored him stopped them both from walking, standing in front of Sadie and looking down into her lost-puppydog eyes. And then smiled. “You know,” she said softly, leaning in even though there was no one around to overhear, “I don’t think it works on someone who can do it too.” She didn’t elaborate on what she meant, she knew that Sadie understood. That guilt...it was familiar. It was one reason why she’d become such a drunk as a teenager - so she didn’t have to worry about ‘pushing’ the wrong person. She’d learned the hard way that it didn’t work when she was intoxicated, the night she’d said ‘no’ to a guy she was with, used all the influence in her voice she could muster, and it still didn’t work. Fortunately, that was the night Stephen had come to her rescue. She didn’t want Sadie to have to find out the way she had. “I told you we needed to talk,” she said with what could only be described as an impish grin. ---- Now, Sadie had never entirely been one to believe in the nature of coincidence. Not even Repose, with its good fortune and seemingly impossible odds when it came to meeting people, could break her of that. She met people before, where she’d tried to push her will from one person to another and nothing had happened, but not since she was a child. So it was that, while not wholly and completely stunned by Nish’s response to it, or the lack of immediate compliance, she didn’t quite know what to make of it. When Nish spoke however, when she more directly underlined the event that Sadie was very much trying to make happen, that would draw blue eyes into wide circles indeed. A half step back was taken and eyes immediately went from suspect to downright suspicious. No one, not that Sadie knew about anyway, had be able to do what she did. Even her parents hadn’t know exactly what it was, just what it, what Sadie could do. To meet someone who was not only seemingly immune but also pointed aware that it was happening in the moment? It was obvious Sadie hadn’t the slightest clue how she should be responding. If it hadn’t been Nish, she probably would have started sprinting on the spot. She would have run until her legs were on fire. As it was, she looked away quickly, half worried in a projected way that her talents, gifts, whatever-the-heck they were called, would at once be turned on her in a most poetic type of comeuppance. It made her feel even worse somehow, that Nish was aware of what Sadie had done — but then — did that mean? Sadie took another half step backwards. “Maybe should explain what’tis yer talkin’ ‘bout then.” It was, all at once, suddenly defiant and a poorly played poker-face all over again. “‘Cause all I’m sayin’ is there ain’t nothin’ to worry about.” She should have known better than to even try but, to Sadie, to even assume there was someone else like her in the world out there? Not only was that a fate she’d have not wished upon anyone, but that was the thing against all things she couldn’t wish on. It was too eager on her part, something she wanted too badly, and if she went looking for it? No, she was imagining it. She had to be. ---- Nish didn’t at all blame her for her reaction. If she had been in Sadie’s position, she would have flatly denied that anything was going on, that she was capable of what she was implying. So she kept Loki pushed back into the corner of her mind, and kept her soft, almost indulgent, smile on her lips as she watched Sadie look away, fidget, and then finally deny everything. “I know it’s scary,” she said, “I honestly never thought I’d meet someone like me either. Not…exactly like me, but...similar.” They shared one gift. She doubted very much that Sadie was harbouring a god inside her, or had skin that frosted over when she was threatened like Nish did, but there was definitely something causing her to be...different. Even Loki couldn’t put his finger on what it was. But she knew that Sadie wouldn’t just believe her because she said it, so she thought she might as well show her. She drew on Loki’s influence, which he grudgingly allowed, and attempted to push Sadie, fully expecting it to not work on her at all. “There’s nothing to be afraid of,” she said, making sure to put that influence in her voice, “you can trust me. We’re the same.” ---- On one hand, Sadie desperately wanted to take this for what it seemed like it was now. The push was an easy thing to feel and perhaps it played more of a hand in what shifts came in her. Certainly it was why Sadie hadn’t crossed her arms over her chest or dug in her heels, both were signs of childish indignance that she’d often display when she felt back into a corner and both were things she just….didn’t feel were necessary. She wasn’t afraid at least, even if some part of her knew she probably should have been. Now, whether or not that was Loki’s doing, Nish’s, or some combination there of? Sadie couldn’t say for sure. Certainly she’d had no reason to suspect such a thing from Nish but… Then there was the other hand to consider, the one where this was coincidence beyond coincidence, where it could have been argued this was providence. It was this hand that drew the hard look from Sadie, where teeth sunk into her lower lip, but this time thoughtfully. She wanted to just jump for it, to accept it without the slightest delay. She wanted to swing her arms around Nish and thank her from sun up to sun down, to gab her ear off about all the questions she’d always had, but had no one to ask. In the end, Sadie just stood there. She was so torn between the two poles of responses that she just couldn’t pick one. She was suspicious and anxious, excited and cautious, a bit like a puppy that couldn’t decide if the new toy — no, not that Nish was a toy or — but then there was — and the whole thing just tumbled into a Katamari of half formed ideas and tiny hands just stuffed into pockets. “S’tha’ mean…” But much like the rest of her, words were just a jumbled mess of Sadie making faces like a goldfish. It could have meant a million things and her brain was still struggling to get a grip on what all of them could have been. Slowly she was piecing it together, getting a foothold in what it meant and just how different this place was. Then there was Nish’s staying here being temporary, and how that meant nothing had really changed, and then there was the argument that if she didn’t take this chance to get answers now she might never get the chance again…. But where to even start? Well, apparently it was just by standing there, giving the biggest doe eyes in the world, because she couldn’t make heads or tails of it. “Should maybe just get a sandwich...can eat it in my trailer?” It was at least somewhere to start. --- Nish patiently watched the play of emotions chasing each other across Sadie’s face, deciding whether or not to trust her, whether or not she was telling the truth, whether or not she should stay. A hint of worry took root for a moment, that Sadie would decide to run, to again deny everything and decide to go it alone rather than reveal something so personal. She knew, in the same position, Nish would have been just as tempted. But curiosity seemed to override fight-or-flight, and she was talking about grabbing food, going somewhere more private. Nish smiled again, relieved, and nodded. “Of course,” she agreed, shifting a little and glancing around them. She of course didn’t know where anything was here, so she shrugged and looked back at her, that impish grin returning. “I don’t actually know where either of those things are, so you’ll have to lead the way,” she said, dialing back the influence in her voice to nothing. ---- Sadie was silent as the grave, as her Father had been so fond of saying, for a good portion of the walk. She really didn’t know what to say, or even to think, about any of it. A year ago, two years ago? She’d have jumped at it. Five years ago she probably would have asked Nish to just take her somewhere. Some part of Sadie still clung to that idea, that if this was a friendship she couldn’t mess up, well then it was just the best thing ever. She wouldn’t have to worry around Nish or anything and nothing would have to change. Things could go right back to how they had been, maybe Sadie would even offer to leave with her if she wanted… But that was getting ahead of herself. Sadie had seen the hurt and betrayal in people’s eyes when this kind of thing had happened before and had braced for it from Nish. It would have hurt, but it was Sadie’s own fault. What she’d gotten instead, someone not only immune to what she would do to some degree but also capable of echoing it? While it certainly explained a few of the mysteries Sadie had about why Nish didn’t seem bothered by her, it raised a whole host of other concerns. What if Nish had the answers to questions Sadie had always wondered, but she hated those things? What if she really was some kind of monster? Was it better to just not know something like that? How did you even go about asking questions like that? Where did you even start? Sadie didn’t have a clue, not even as they picked up sandwiches from the little shop in town and Sadie started making her way back towards the Carnival. It wasn’t a short walk and there was plenty of time for conversation, none of which Sadie made. She’d speak if spoken to of course, she wasn’t going to be rude to Nish ever, but striking up a conversation? She’d get maybe half a word out before clamming up, sometimes kicking a rock in frustration with herself. It’d always been like this, whenever she’d tried talking to anyone in her family about what she did or where she’d come from even, only now she felt like she’d get an actual answer, if only she could bring herself to figure out what she really wanted to ask. “Least we know you’re not my Mum or somethin’” She finally managed to mutter, a half bit of information she’d so far shared with exactly one person since she was a teenager. “Was adopted.” She finished the thought. “Never knew my Mum or Da’. Not me real ones anyway.” She half shrugged, targeting another rock with her toe while keeping a tight hold on her sandwich. The cold air was drying them out and she’d need to soak them when she got back to her trailer. “But yer no old enough I wouldn’ae think.” She really didn’t know how old Nish was but, at least in this sense, Sadie was trying to cover her emotional bases… Besides, saying that they probably weren’t related, which is how that very much sounded in Sadie’s head, was not the worst roundabout way of saying they could do the same thing, right? --- Nish walked quietly beside her, letting her hold her silence as they made their way through the carnival, bought sandwiches and snacks and drinks, and then headed towards the trailers. Nish didn’t wait until they got there, opening the bag of salt and vinegar chips she’d bought with her sandwich and popping one in her mouth just as Sadie started to talk. She listened patiently, smirking a little and nodding vigorously when Sadie pointed out she couldn’t possibly be her mother, then swallowing. “I probably am old enough,” she said, mentally doing the math, “if I got pregnant at 16...which I didn’t, thank gods,” she added with a chuckle. She fished around for another chip and chewed thoughtfully for a minute, feeling free to talk as they walked through the less crowded part of the grounds. “My parents...they were the most normal and straight-laced people you could think of. I don’t know what they did to get cursed with me as a child, but…” she shrugged as if to say ‘what can you do?’ “Even my siblings were relatively normal,” she said easily, choosing not to reveal her sister’s suicide to her, at least not yet. “I loved my family, but I also didn’t fit in very well. They were ‘good people,’” she said with awkward air quotes while holding a chip in one hand and the bag in the other, “and I was the black sheep. “My parents didn’t know the extent of it, but my brother sure did,” she smirked. “I didn’t realize that what I could do wasn’t normal until I was a teenager,” she went on with a shrug, looking down into the chip bag as if searching for a specific one, then popping it in her mouth. “And that was when I started using it for things I needed - extensions or passes on homework assignments and exams, a date for the school dance, a sweater I really wanted…” she added with a little sidelong glance at her, looking slightly embarrassed. “I got caught on security cameras once, and that cured me of that forever. I was maybe fifteen, and I got arrested by the mall cops, and it terrified me enough to never try it again. You can fool the cashier, but you can’t fool the cameras,” she said, as if offering sage advice. “That’s when I learned...there’s rules for what I- we can do. And limits.” ---- Sadie didn’t say much of anything while Nish talked about her family, what she could do, how it all related, and how she seemed to be the only one who could do it. There were parallels there, things that Sadie would have reached for in normal conversation, but she felt too overwhelmed to offer any such commentary now. She just kept her hands either in her pockets or occupied with the food she’d bought for herself to eat. She just kept listening as the story shifted and moved, going from the roots of homelife to the extent of what Nish could do. There were some obvious differences there, but more parallels too. Sadie had, on more than one occasion, told someone to buy her something, to get her an item, to give her what she needed, but had figured out very quickly that lingering after the fact was never a good idea. People were always seemingly confused as to why they’d done what she asked, It was largely why now, with nowhere to go and no one to turn to (save perhaps now Nish herself) Sadie had kept so much of her life on the go since things had changed. She used her ability sparingly, only when she need to (or made a mistake), she kept her violin handy covering up the feeling she tended to drop in people, and when both got too strong? Well, then it was time to go. When it came to talk of limits though, that drew a sideways glance over at Nish. So far, this was the only time Sadie had ever done what she could do and it hadn’t worked. Some part of her wanted to call that a blessing, that she’d managed to blunder in a way that didn’t seem as though it would drive her from Repose any more than it seemed something Nish had any interest in exploiting. She’d seen enough movies, paid attention in school, and read enough on her own besides to know that being different rarely worked out well for the minority. Add to the fact it seemed like something people could easily want to abuse and...well if she had to make a mistake, this one ranked at least in the least damaging category. When they reached the spot where Sadie had been staying, she fished out her key and pushed through the door, still trying to sort everything out. The place was at least clean. It wasn’t like Sadie had enough stuff to make much of a mess. The worst of it were some sheets of new music she’d been practicing during whatever insanity Misha had warned her about and those were quickly scooped up, sorted, and put away where they belonged before Sadie just kind of gestured. The place was still furnished from whoever had lived there before her, so at least there were places to sit, all of which Sadie chose to forego as she folded herself down on the floor and began to think. “I knew pretty quick-like.” She spoke honestly, finally figuring that maybe the beginning might have just been the best place to start. “That what I could do wasn’tat’all normal.” She ignored her food, finding her appetite stripped bare by the context of the dialogue. “Mum knew, her Mum too, Da’ was mostly content to ignore it I think.” Her voice grew quieter then, remembering the incident that had driven her from her childhood home. “Pretend it wasn’t real like, not somethin’ he needed to be bothered with.” She just shrugged and picked at the wrapper of her sandwich. “Ne’er seen much in the ways of rules.” She countered, still not looking directly at the woman she was speaking to. “Pretty much always works it does, save the one time it don’t.” Which was when there would be the briefest of glimpses up at Nish, an indication that this was that one time in question. “Try to use it only when I hafta, ye’ know? When folks got ill intents that need correctin’ and the like, or when s’a choice between not usin’ it and starvin’...” It was the most she’d ever talked about it to anyone and it wouldn’t take any kind of genius to figure out she was guilty beyond measure about what she’d had to do. ---- Nish took a moment to look around the trailer Sadie called home while she was at the Carnival, eyes wide with interest. A wry smile tugged at her lips when Sadie spoke next, “my parents didn’t have a clue,” she said, more to herself than to her. She found a place to sit and set down her food, working on the wrapper of her sandwich. “There’s always rules,” she said with a slightly apologetic smile. “You haven’t heard the superhero trope? ‘With great power comes great responsibility’?” she smirked. “Anyway, we still have to be careful. If other people knew what we could do...it could be trouble.” She could be disbarred if anyone found out how she was able to so effortlessly sway judges and juries, or be arrested for some of the other things she’d gotten away with over the years. Weaseling out of possession charges wasn’t the only thing she’d gotten away with because of her ‘gift’. She looked over at Sadie, suddenly curious, swallowing her bite of sandwich. “So if you can do what I do, why are you living here?” she asked her, glancing briefly around the trailer, at her busker life. “You could pretty easily convince people to part with a bit more money than you usually get, with a minimum of risk. I wouldn’t recommend robbing a bank,” she said with a note of amusement, “but getting a twenty instead of a five would be reasonable. The trick is to ask for things that is just a little bit more than what they were already going to do. It’s easier when the target was already thinking about or wanting to make the decision you push them into,” she added as a bit of unsolicited advice. She took another bite of sandwich and watched her. ---- “Aye, Ah know tha’.” The words were soft, but she’d dropped any and all pretense of restraint now when it came to how she spoke. It was strange, not having to keep up the carefully structured words, or having to shove down her accent, or having to not make sure she wasn’t misunderstood, but the freedom that allowed her was enough to keep her tone one of ease. It wouldn’t help her reserved nature any, but that largely stemmed now from how unexpected this was and how surprised she felt by the events that had drawn her to this point. It was yet another check box in the ’This place isn’t like anywhere else I’ve been column’ that made her thinking coming to Repose had been fate. ….Was fate even the right word? Sadie wasn’t used to her life taking these smooth turns, not when she had a roof over her head, friends she could call on, an actual job performing, never mind being well fed and able to bathe regularly. Honestly, with this current revelation about Nish, the whole thing was so good it was almost overwhelming. It was why Sadie took a quiet moment to consider the words she wanted to use to follow up as she began carefully unwrapping her own food. “When I was a young thing, do that all the time IwouldIwould.” The guilt in intoned in her voice was thick enough to be a condiment on the sandwich she was not-so-subtly picking at. The topic at hand had, as it always would these days, squashed her appetite. “T’ever I wanted, I’d find a way te’ get it, s’what made Mum send me away in the first place.” That was the particularly painful confession, even if it had been something Sadie wasn’t sure she’d have traded away for anything when it came to what she got out of the experience. “S’pose what yer sayin’s the reason I don’t do what yer askin’ though. S’not right ta’ do that to folks. Most got reasons a’plenty to go steerin’ clear o’me it seems, don’t see no reason to go addin’ to the list none.” She looked up at Nish, a bit shadowed and sullen. “Don’t much care for pushin’ folks, as you call it, not unless I dun’ae have a choice in it. Bloke comes about thinkin’ he’s gun’ae ‘ave a bit o’ ‘is way with me — which, mind now, don’t happen none too often, praise be for tha’ — an I got no problem tellin’ ‘im what a rot idea it is and makin’ him come ‘round to that way of seein’ it….but makin’ folks do things? It just….” Sadie sighed openly and let her eyes drop back down to the floor and her voice got quieter still. What she was about to say wasn’t something she shared and, though that probably went without saying given the context of it all, it was still not an easy thing to day. “Me Mum and Gran’ma’ma both always said t’wasn’t the right thing to go about doin’. Used ta’ fight about it somethin’ awful we did, back when I was chalked right full of the notions I was right ‘bout everythin’ and a’na’thin’...” Her voice trailed a little as she picked at the bits of cheese poking out from between the bread. “When they died and things jus’...” She didn’t want to admit to what came next and there was a long pause while she tried to figure out the right words to use before finally settling on a vague kind of honest. “...Went to shite with me Da’, well...thought maybe it was best if I tried to do right their way ‘stead o’mine own. Don’t hurt none that I seem to always manage to go runnin’ myself outta’ towns as’tis...and, like you said, could be trouble if folks go gettin’ wise to get what ‘tis I can do…” Now she just waited, swallowing the thick knot in her throat by way of the first bite of her sandwich. ---- Nish listened patiently, nodding at times, but mostly just listening. There was a lot of pain in that story, different from hers, but not so different she couldn’t understand. She was a good girl. The problem with that was in this world, good girls got eaten up and spat into the gutter. Nish had had the fortune of a decent upbringing, a moderately well-off family in which to thrive, despite the emotional pain of her adolescence. Not everyone had the opportunities she had growing up, and working in the legal system as long as she had, she knew that more than most. Her own issues were nothing compared to some of the people she’d helped with her ‘gift’. Swaying judges to give lesser sentences or dismiss charges altogether from people who had been handed the short end of the stick their whole lives. The amount of black men she’d helped walk away from trumped up charges by racist white cops was depressing, but also encouraged her to keep doing what she did. Sure, she sometimes used her skills for her own gain, but who wouldn’t, really? In her mind, she had a gift, and it would be wasted if she didn’t use it. ’I used it many times to help the gods, and what did I get for my trouble?’ Loki muttered darkly. ’You used it just as often to mess things up for them too,’ she reminded him. ’It was fun,’ he argued, as if that was a suitable defence. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes and sighed, leaning forward a little. “Look, I’m not saying to force people to do things all the time,” she said, “but you could use it occasionally to make your own life easier. If it’s the choice between starving and sleeping on the streets, or a warm bed and a full belly, why not go for it? And when you’re on better footing, you can start using it to help others.” She bit her lip, pausing in thought for a moment. “Your mom and grandma were right - it’s not right to use it all the time, on everyone. Our gift...it’s not a sword, it’s a scalpel.” ---- Sadie’s eyebrows knitted together at Nish’s response. She wasn’t angry, but quite the opposite. What Nish was saying? Sadie wanted to agree with her. She wanted to say there was nothing wrong with it, that it was the nature of life and so long as she was more careful than she had been, it shouldn’t be a problem. It had been her longstanding attitude about it, something she and her Grandmother had discussed at length as they’d both grown older. Sadie saw no reason why she shouldn’t influence lives, change people for the better, but the argument had always been: What makes you think you know best? and Sadie had never had a good response to it. Then of course there was her Mother’s voice, the simple, soft, sweet encouragement to be a good girl and one who didn’t play with people’s minds just to get what she wanted. How many times had she yelled at Sadie for the free toys she’d gotten, or the ice cream she’d had gifted to her? How many times had they sat on that back porch, her Ma’ma telling her those long stories and fables from the books her Mom had given her, hoping that maybe some shred of the moral made its way past a selfish little girl who could have turned the whole world on its head if she wanted? As much as she wanted to agree with Nish, the simple fact was that it would have flown in the face of what two other people told her she should be; two other people who Sadie’s only real way to honor was by living up to their standards — the very ones she’d shirked every chance she got as a child.. “Ah can’ae do tha’ anymore..” She said, her voice somehow managing to find a new decibel level of quiet. She could do it of course, but even the idea of considering it had flattened Sadie. There were arguments on all sides of this line, truths and trials that Sadie didn’t know how to navigate. Using her power to help people, to change minds and ideas, it sounded good, but then there were all those lectures and warnings, then there was what had happened when she’d actually done it to a person and that very real shame in her past Sadie had yet to properly face. “Starvin’ is one thing like, and tellin’ a folk to go give me somethin’ to eat when I’m facin’ down tha’ instead? Don’t think there’s much’ta be shamed at in tha’, whot with how much food done gets tossed in’a’bin.” It was a personalized justification, one that Sadie had wrestled with many times in the last year, and one that had driven her to go to bed hungry because she just felt like it was wrong. Sometimes though, when she was on her second day in the cold with nothing to eat for instance, survival took over. Sometimes, like when she woke up from a nightmare in the middle of the night, she lost her grip on that control and bent to the demands of instinct. “But changin’ lives? Chagin’ folks wants? Makin’ ‘em do what I think’s right fer ‘em?” Sadie just shook her head, parroting the words others had spoken to her. “Who am I to be sayin’ such things? Don’t matter what kinda sharp bit it is or how you go about swingin’ it, folks is still gettin’ cut by what I do an I jus’....” She went silent for a long moment. “I dun’ae want ta’ hurt an’body.” She finally came to the watered-down conclusion. There was more to it than just hurting someone. Sadie had accepted how wrong she’d been about what she thought she knew about the world, she’d seen it first hand. What did she know about what was right for anyone? Hell, she barely knew what was right for herself most days prior to Repose. Stuffing her face with the sandwich to keep from talking anymore, less she spill out more there than intended, Sadie was content to go quiet there and to not address the slippery slope of right and wrong in this context. ---- Nish wanted to argue with that logic, tell her all the things in her life that had led her to her own position in the matter. All the people who take advantage of others as a matter of course. She didn’t think of what she did as wrong, she was simply using her innate talents to her advantage, just like everyone else did. The fact that her talent was manipulating others was neither moral or immoral, it simply was. But she also understood Sadie’s point of view, at least as much as she could. She was guided by a family who knew what she could do, and feared it. Controlled it. Where Nish had learned about her ‘gift’ on her own, through trial and error, Sadie had learned about it from others who had already made those errors, and were trying to protect her from making those same mistakes. So she held her tongue, frowning just slightly, but nodding. “I understand,” she said. “We...we’re very different people, Sadie; we came from different places. Maybe...if I had grown up in the same environment as you I would think the same way, but...this is who I am.” She didn’t want this to turn into her defending the way she did things, just as Sadie shouldn’t have to either. She picked at her sandwich for a moment in silence, but then allowed a smile to come back out on her lips. “It is nice though,” she said, looking up at her. “Not being alone anymore. Having another person who...understands. Who I can talk to about...what we can do.” ---- Sadie looked up from her food when Nish spoke and her features instantly went soft and white. “No — a’mean — well, I did’nae mean — there’s nothing wrong with you.” The words came tumbling out in a rush. She was honestly worried that what she’d said had somehow implied she thought Nish was a bad person and nothing could have been further from the truth in Sadie’s eyes. Nish had fed her and sheltered her, she had reached out to her when Sadie had tried to hide from what she’d done out of shame. She’d sought her out to tell her it was all okay and now she was sitting here, still being kind, still being Sadie’s friend, and that meant more to the tiny redhead than anything else in the whole world. “Thought about what you said a lot, I have, ‘bout usin’ wha’ I can do to help folks and the like, but it…” She felt her stomach wind up in knots. “...’Fore they died, Mum and Grams, they always told me not to...and I did’nae listen. Used it however I wanted I did, got whatever I wanted and made folks do things and didn’t think nothing of it. But then I tried not to, ta’ do what they wanted, be someone they’d still be proud of….” Her voice trailed off again and the sandwich was left neglected. She honestly thought about telling Nish what she’d done to her Father, but that story was still too heavy to share with anybody. For any reason. It was, without question, something that’d probably haunt her forever. “Did’nae do enough right by ‘em in life, figure it’s overdue.” Was all she managed. “Doesn’t mean I don’t agree, ‘cause that I do. Nice it is, havin’ a person who I can talk to, where I ain’t gotta worry nonesomuch ‘bout sayin’ the wrong thing. That’s been what’s keep me movin’ this whole last year…” And the hope returned softly to her voice at that. Repose, the Carnvial, and Nish, were undoubtedly the bright spots in her life right now.. “M’really glad I met you.” She added, but less rushed or seemingly emotional than the rest of what she’d said. She wanted Nish to know she meant it, that it wasn’t prompted by anything other than being the truth. “Want you ta’ know tha’, same as I want you to know that my stayin’ at the Carnival don’t mean I don’t wanna see you or come stay with you some. Is my job is all, is probably good for me to stay here and get to know the folks, start makin’ it more like the family I really miss having….same as I’d want you to be a part of it, s’long as ye’ want to stay around….” She paused then, looking up at Nish like a hopeful puppy. “And when I finally get an act, would you come watch me play?” Because that was insanely important to her. ---- Nish smiled softly; she hadn’t thought Sadie meant there was something wrong with her, she had always felt that about herself. At least, until she found out that it wasn’t something ‘wrong’ per se, but something...different. Someone different. Because she wasn’t just Nishka, she was also Loki. And like it or not, some of Loki had rubbed off on Nish at a young age, shaping her into the person she was today. ’Making me a more suitable host for you, right?’ she mused to Loki. She was sure he’d quirked a non-existent eyebrow. ’Making you less of a frightened child,’ he amended. She almost huffed a laugh at that. He wasn’t wrong, after all. Her younger years, when he had had far less influence on her, she had definitely been that. It took two overdoses and a face-to-face with Loki for her to finally grow the fuck up and own her life. “I don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable,” she said soothingly, “or goes against your beliefs. I just want to make sure you’re safe.” She glanced around them, at the modestly comfortable trailer she’d crashed in, and offered a little grin. “Looks like you’re doing alright. But I want you to promise you’ll come to me if you ever need help,” she said, a hint of seriousness in her tone. Despite her best efforts, she cared about Sadie. Now if she saw her on the streets again, like she had been when they met, she would feel responsible for her. She was as close to a little sister as she would ever get, and that feeling had hit her out of nowhere not long after they’d first met. Until she came here, all she had left in this world was her brother. Now there was also Sadie. The doeish look in the girl’s eyes drew a soft laugh from her, and she leant back a little in enjoyment. “Of course I’d watch you play,” she assured her. “You know I love your music, and everyone else will love it too. I think...now that I know, I think maybe some of what you can do makes it into your music somehow. Just that -” she quickly put up a hand as if to assure her it wasn’t a bad thing, “when you played for me that first night...the feelings it brought out in me were so strong. In a good way. I think you can really reach people, Sadie.” ---- There was an immense comfort that came with the promise that there was nothing Nish would have asked or wanted Sadie to do that went against that belief. It was very much the kind of thing her Grandmother had said during those clandestine talks where she’d tried to help Sadie figure out what she could do. They had been rare, so very rare in fact that they often fell into the shadow of all the other things the elder Matriarch had been for her, but they had been important. They had been the talks where discussions of what she should and shouldn’t do with...whatever it was she could do...had shaped the person she’d become since losing them. It was a feeling that was doubled down when Nish touched on the very raw center of the music and what Sadie could do with it. It was why her Grandmother had originally suggested she learn an instrument in the first place, to learn to channel and harness what she could do in song. There had even been talks of Sadie practicing singing so that one day she might be able to bring that element to things and impress upon the world the good and warm feelings that seemed so rare in recent years. “You’d be the first person I came to, honest promise.” She had no trouble admitting that. It wasn’t like she had anyone else in Repose. Others, Misha and Beau, they were friendly enough, but turning to them like she could with Nish, where she didn’t have to worry? That was a long ways off yet. Besides, they’d already done so much to help her feel welcome, Sadie didn’t want to push it. She’d felt similarly about Nish, but the woman had insisted and asked Sadie to promise — and promises were things Sadie took very seriously. “S’why I started playin’ in the first place, Gran’ma’ma said maybe could help folks feel things they’d been missin’. Seemed she was right.” Sadie touched on the latter point with a faint but genuine smile. The warmth of family was a thing too long absent in her life and Nish was bringing it back in a way that highlighted just how much it was needed by the smaller redhead. “Figure it’s the best way to do somethin’ good with what’tis I can’ae do, somethin’ she’d be real and proper proud of, figured maybe could help spare people some of that real and frightful dark in the world….” Her voice trailed, a betrayal of firsthand experience, but one she quickly shunted with another bite of food. “S’why I’m thinkin’ ‘bout whot kind’ae things would be good for here. Thinkin’ somethin’ real dancy like, somethin’ to put smiles on people’s faces, get ‘em clappin’ their hands and movin’ around ‘cause they just can’t help it. Ain’t a soul in the world whot’s not served by a bit of dancin’ I think.” She finished the thought with a smile. Slowly, when she finished speaking, she pushed up to her feet and crossed the space between them, looking a bit expectantly at her lunch companion for the hug she quite badly wanted to give. “You jus’ promise me you’ll say goodbye ‘fore you leave town yeah? And that you’ll still call sometimes?” It was a sad, forced, look at the reality of the situation. She remembered Nish had said she wasn’t staying long and, while it was the very last thing she wanted to be thinking about just now, the heart-to-heart they were having demanded the honest confession and question from her. “Had lots of folks come and go in my time, most of the time’s been my fault, but...just wouldn’t seem right to go without sayin’ the word with you.” Which...surprisingly didn’t feel the least bit weird to say. ---- When Sadie responded, assuring Nish that she would come to her for help if she ever needed it, there was a palpable relief that startled the god living inside her. For her part, Nish felt good knowing that Sadie wouldn’t be too proud or too stubborn to seek her out next time she didn’t have quite enough to make ends meet. Loki on the other hand, was downright annoyed at this new person tying them down. ’You can’t be taking on stragglers,’ he warned, ’we have a mission to complete.’ ’I can do both,’ she argued. He seemed to groan in frustration. ’Don’t go getting tied down to this place,’ he warned, though she turned her head and rolled her eyes, mentally ending the conversation even though he wasn’t anywhere near finished with it. And then Sadie had to bring up goodbyes, stirring uncomfortable feelings in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t want to admit how attached she was getting, but she knew that a goodbye was inevitable. They were both going in different directions. Nish was just passing through on her way home to...what though? All she could think of for the past few months was closure, but not what would happen after she found it. Did she even want to go home to Oregon? To all that baggage and places full of painful memories? She was going to be with her brother, but...now that she thought about it, he was the only draw bringing her back there. For the first time, she was unsure of her future. She nipped at her lip, and then forced a smile, nodding to Sadie in assurance. “Of course I will. I would never leave without letting you know first,” she promised. She balled up the empty sandwich wrapper with a sigh, and then decided to change the subject. “So...tell me about your new place…” she said, glancing around the trailer with interest. |