Re: Email anon
The writers of the English dictionary are likely turning in their graves. But yes, I suppose language isn't static.
What is it that you think selfishness is? Because my understanding of selfishness is no desire to care about someone else's wants or needs, in good times as well as the crunch-points. When what you want is more important than what everyone else wants, and what you need outweighs what they need.
What I'm hearing is that he was unselfish about sharing information with you because you weren't ready to hear it. But his unselfishness doesn't make you selfish. It's not a seesaw. And you're not showing a lack of desire to meet his needs and wants, nor ignorance of what they are. You're just not perfect. You're not so completely unselfish that he has everything he wants, when he wants it.
That's life, sweetheart. That's the way love works. When I say I'm selfish, I have absolutely no interest in anyone's needs save my own. I care to the extent that I want to care and no more. That doesn't sound like you.
But to a certain degree - determining for him how this will finish, how he should feel, think, want, based on what you think he should - is selfish.
And it sounds like a man who you thought you had 'fucked up', walked back into your life having left you insecure and guilty when he'd left the first time, and you made a poor choice. So what? Get off the cross, we need the nails. You're not a martyr, you're not a saint. A poor choice doesn't determine the rest of your life unless you let it.
Take it from somebody who fucked around the ('lit') world in their prime and then got used to one woman: getting used to someone isn't about boredom. So what happens when (if) you suck at being a mother, or if you fuck up again? What happens if you don't? You can't know for certain. You'll never know for certain, unless you want to live like me with certainty and nothing else.
Of course it's fucking terrifying. You've got something worth it now. But I said catastrophic, not scary. You've got something you clearly want to hold onto. You've got the possibility of a future. Not a certainty, because nothing is certain. He's telling you he's in. You're clearly in. How about letting yourself acknowledge that losing it would be terrifying without assuming it's going to happen eventually?
You could say you were all those things, but you're not hellbent on comfort. You want to live. I have absolutely no interest in anything but comfort and certainty. And the occasional paid-for fuck.