[carnival: misha and james]
Misha wasn't having an easy time any.
He was tangled up in emotions, and trying to unwind the skeins wasn't working real well for him. Normally, his way of coping with how he felt now was to go do something real self-harming. He wanted to do that, and he wanted it real bad. He wanted to find some gay bashers, or he wanted to find some real unkind lover, or he wanted to find a rope to throw over a beam. These were the things he wanted, but it wasn't 'bout actually wanting them. It was 'bout seeking out a pain that was stronger than the pain he was feeling, and he knew that. Too, he knew he wouldn't be able to find nothing sharp and keening as this. But, the knowing, it wasn't what kept him from following through. It was Damian that kept him from following through. Damian, and what Damian would think and feel and do. He didn't want Damian blaming himself, and the last thing Damian needed was to fuss and fret 'bout what was happening while he was gone, and so that left Misha real unsure 'bout how to deal with all these emotions cutting him from the inside out like shards.
So he was back at the carnival, and he was wandering.
The crowds had gone for the night, and the bulbs that hung colorful and lighting the midway and rides weren't illuminating nothing but trampled on winter grass. The performers were tucked away in their tents or trailers, and Misha tried to think on not owning this place no more. He knew it was the right thing, selling, but the carnival had been his escape when the Quiet Home was unbearable, and leaving felt like a lot for the boy who already felt like the world was sitting heavy on his shoulders.
In one of Damian's black hoodies and his own skinny jeans, he kicked at the slumbering earth, and then he noticed the movement near the coaster. He moved on toward it.
Now, he'd seen Nilus' James a whole lot, and he'd even tried to talk to him plenty, but James had never talked back. Moreover, Misha hadn't never felt him, but he could feel him now, and that made the boy stop just a few feet away, curiosity lighting up holy blue eyes. 'Far as he knew, James had finally gone to rest. "James?"