Re: quicklog: carnival eddie/sasha
[Eddie held her shoulders, thumbs rubbing the round edges of them. He shook his head.] We can't count surviving as a win anymore. I know she's better, I know she wants to move past it. But, I also know the things that happened to her aren't things you can just write in your diary and forget. She's one of us now. Broken by something with baggage only a few want to help us carry. [He didn't want that for Sasha, either, but by the time he had any footing in Jersey it was already too late. Holly was someone he tried to keep safe, away from the pain of being used up, and he failed that.
But, no this wasn't about Holly. Sasha said there were people who loved him and he looked away from her, hands slipping down her arms.] When I was a kid, I got my ass beat by nearly anyone. I talked too much, asked too many questions. My dad, kids at school, kids on the street. They all beat the crap out of me. But, then I realized if I put on a performance for them, if I turned into what they wanted, they'd make me a king. [He reached to squeeze her hands and then paced, thinking. Eddie reminisced with people, but he rarely got into those early, early years.] And, they did make me a king. I can make anyone love me if I want to- but they don't know about the panic attacks, the outbursts, the anger I carry deep in my heart. Whenever someone tells me that they love me, my brain wonders Are they sure? I wonder, do I deserve their love?
[He turned to look at her.] I took you for granted.