Re: In-person: Misha B/Damian W
[The critical approach was important to have in a world so full of information, yes, as it could not all be true. But, it was not this way that he took in what Misha said, as he knew this boy would not lie and he wished to know the answers, as they were. He accepted them.—As for the bit about the chessboard of forces for good and evil, he considered this seriously.] It is powerful, so those such as yourself and Janus seek to control it and influence it for, what? Gain? Your own power? That does not contradict what I have said, I do not think. Forces that control are controlled by their control. [This made sense, in his head, and it succinctly laid out how he felt about the al Gol agenda at the moment. This was less important as Misha speaking on his mother and malakhim, however.] Is it individual humans who are powerful, or humanity, as something larger? If it is the latter, then I can see they would devalue you and your kind. Someone needs to shape, trim, corral the herd, but they get dirty by doing so. Something of this nature?
[He nodded at the psychological extrapolation on the angel's part.] Or, if it is supplied the right data. A few correct details, and the mind will make up the rest as paint makes a picture on canvas, and, while that is interesting in its own right, it is not what I was meant to be learning. I was to extract information, to discover what methods suited me best. I found he was particularly averse to physical pain. [Again, this was spoken with the cold countenance of fact. Damian looked at Misha. He did not expect the guillotine drop of judgement from the angel, and he did not worry that the boy would not like him, after hearing these sins. He only gave examples of what others had reacted to with disgust. Solemnly, if even somewhat ruthlessly, the man nodded.] He harmed not one other, ever again. [And, as he told Misha he was glad his foster father was dead, he understood the sentiment behind the milder mention of not liking Mother's people.] I did not even pity him, [he confessed about the man he had first tortured.] I knew he felt pain, that he reacted to it, but it did not occur to me it was like anything I felt. [He did not know if that made sense. He certainly did not feel badly about it, not even now. It was done, after all. It had been done for a long time. The pressure that had been building and building behind his breastbone seemed to ease somewhat. And what Damian only now realized was the sensation of impending tears eased with it. Why? He did not know.—He touched Misha's cheek very softly.] Do you think you can absolve me of all that I have committed as a child? [He seemed touched by the idea.
The explanation of power vs. sex made sense to Damian in a way it did not before, and he thought he understood, somewhat.] Oh, I see, [he said.] With me it is about sex. [He did not need affirmation on this count, he only said it as if pulling it apart of himself to see—like dissecting an eyeball, peeling cornea back and aqueous humor pouring forth. He did not understand that Misha had decided not to engage with him sexually out of guilt. He thought it was the offense, and with the explanation out of the way, that it would not matter. He was stupid.—Damian nodded that it was okay with him, and into the room they went, right up to the bed. When Misha said he loved Damian, the man looked at his boyfriend. He was not critical of the qualifier tacked onto the end.] I see that now, [was his earnest, serious response. If he was able, he got onto the bed, facing Misha, but now on his knees, standing on them and with his hands on the boy's narrow chest. He forgot about his shoes.] I love you too. The feeling of it is almost overwhelming, [he admitted. He put his arms beneath the angel's and tugged, as if to drag him into the bed and atop himself. Unabashedly, he asked:] Will you kiss me, while you hold me? I wish to be kissed.