I used to ask you a lot of dumb questions, actually. I didn't know what to miss. I think when I started thinking about it, it was pretty basic. You know, what am I doing here, why am I not dead, where do I go next. I didn't know exactly who you were, but I knew you were on my side.
I spent my first year tearing through what was left of the people who ran me, in Russia and here. Did I ever tell you that? I don't know if I did. I didn't think you'd approve. It was important. Not just for revenge, but for peace in my head. The less of them are left, the less chance there is that anyone comes back after me with a word that makes me want to go along. When I was doing that, I do remember wondering what you'd think about it, even when I wasn't completely sure who you were. I didn't remember my family. Didn't wonder what my ma would say, I thought, "What would Steve think?" So I'd write you in my head, try to get you to tell me more about yourself, put you in a time and a place. You were right in the middle of everything I couldn't remember, but you were pretty plain and clear. When I started painting in the backgrounds a little bit, it made more sense, why I didn't really forget about you. Nothing about hotdogs, though, that would have been better. You're making me want one, whatever the fuck was in them.
They weren't wrong. I'm glad I have them, and you were good to leave them with me. I just sometimes feel like I need to explain myself. I want to look at them and get taken back to something real and concrete. Probably one day I will. Right now, I like looking at the drawings better.
Fuck me. You're eidetic, and I'm swiss cheese. At least I don't have to remember every time your ma had to put chips from the icebox in a kitchen towel to take your fat lip down because you told some putz he was a putz. I know what you mean.
Big dreams, keep em big. I got him about halfway talked down before part of the house fell on him. It was kind of like a Bugs Bunny cartoon, but a lot sadder. I heard after that his family was broke, so he thought he'd try insurance fraud, that he'd be untraceable, because who's going to think arson when the fire starts without a match or gasoline, right? I checked in on the family, got them something so they don't lose their house. People do desperate shit when they don't see another way out.
Quebecois is just hard to understand, the French have it right. I think both. I don't even remember that much about that time, but my brain can still make the connection in the background, French = Cold feet. Like when you smell something and it takes you straight back to a place. It's a reminder that it did happen, and it happened to you, and your brain's never really going to let it go, even if you think it will, or it did.
It's been a long time. I kinda like it. I am staying in a house with a bunch of other people, and I like them. Good types. They move in and out sometimes, but I technically own the place, so anyone who needs somewhere to crash can stay. Keeps things lively. I guess it's probably good for me to live where there's people. I did soundproof the bedroom door, though. Nobody else needs to wake up at 3AM because I had a fucking dream about some fucking war again. I always feel tired, once I shake it off. This shit again? That sort of thing. The novelty's officially worn off. The bar's good too, I don't work there as much as I used to. Working for Aegis these days.
Me and Atticus aren't anything, I don't think. I like him, I like listening to him talk. He nearly got himself killed recently, and he's not off the hook with me yet, but he's working his way off. There's this whole situation with PJ that made things pretty complicated, but I was going to ask him out. Can't say I've ever taken a guy out in public before, brave new world.
Send me some pine needles, skip the wasps. You're right, you're lucky. The little old lady next door always needs paper for the bottom of her bird cage, and I looked at that first letter and thought maybe she could find some use for it. You're an idiot, of course I wrote you back. You keep writing me back and we'll call it even.
Put whatever name you want at the top there. I don't mind.