Re: Oliver/Misha
Are you getting better or worse? And is it because of that doctor you told me to steer clear from? Because I believed you, and I never went back to group at that place.
I know now that you felt that way. I didn't want you to feel like that, I just didn't want you to feel overwhelmed by me either. When I need people it drowns them. Also, I wasn't ever ashamed of you. I was only ever ashamed of myself. If I put that on you too, it is another thing I did that wasn't meant like that, and isn't fair either.
I wanted to see you at the hospital, but I didn't want you to feel obligated to come, that is why I told you that you didn't have to. I didn't want to make you do anything that you didn't have to because of my wanting you to. Okay?
I know things weren't the same after that, but I didn't know that until Damian told me about you and him. The fact that he told me and not you made me realize that it was messed up or finished while I still thought it was okay. All of which made me feel really embarrassed and guilty because I was too selfish to not have seen it.
Damian might not ask me to leave because of how he feels about you, but that isn't right. That doesn't make me feel right.
Nothing was ever forced on me. I never felt that way, and you were never a backup for Jude. Not ever. You might not believe me about that either, but it is true. He's my brother, I never once felt that way for him the way I felt for you when we were together. Makes me realize that I'm ever worse at expressing things than I ever thought, and that is worrisome too.
I shouldn't have ever said all of that, about nobody caring about me but him. There are a lot of things that I shouldn't have said, and probably a whole lot more that I should have. It is done now, and I'm not trying to fix it, I just don't want you to feel bad because I'm too stupid to say how I feel properly.