[...] I'm trying something new where I don't want to make excuses, and I don't want you to think that is what any of this is. The way I am isn't an excuse, and the way I grew up isn't an excuse. The truth is, it has taken me a long time to learn how to ask for things. My whole life until the last few years has been taking things, and having things taken from me. I never spoke about how I felt, because how I felt couldn't change things, so it didn't matter. Talking about it would have meant thinking about it, and even now, sometimes I don't know how I feel. It is embarrassing to admit that, that I don't know where some feelings come from. They can overwhelm me, and I don't like that feeling, but I guess they wouldn't overwhelm me if I really put thought into why I feel the way I can about certain things and certain people.
I know that I did something wrong, that I kind of messed things up? I don't really know where it happened, so I'm going to write my way through it and maybe the answer will be there.
When I met you in therapy that day, I did like you. Or maybe like isn't the right word because I didn't yet know you, but I wanted to draw you, and I wanted to listen to you, and I liked the way that you listened to me too. It felt like you really listened to me, whereas everybody else in that group was just waiting for their turn to talk. When I suggested that we kiss that day in the secret room, I said it was so that we could con my brother, but that was a lie. He didn't have anything to do with it because he didn't even have to know. I liked the excuse of it because then it wouldn't have been a big deal when you said no, or when you decided that you wanted to stop talking to me. I guess I was really just conning myself, when you get down to it.
I know that I am needy. I know that I scare people away. I didn't want to scare you away, so maybe I didn't let you think that I wanted anything.
At the hospital, I thought things were better. I thought you believed me when I said that I liked you, and when I asked for you to go in one of those empty rooms with me. I know why you didn't want to go in one, and you were probably right. I thought then that you knew I wasn't pretending to pretend anymore. I guess you didn't, or just didn't believe me. I'm not the most credible person, so I get that too. I didn't say it right, or I didn't look at you right, but at the time, I really thought I did.
But I guess stuff was different after that. I didn't tell you the right way, or I didn't keep telling you. I asked your secret santa to get us tickets to the theater, but if I wanted you to know that I cared, that is something that I should have done myself instead of counting on somebody else to do an act of kindness for me.
So I get it, I do. My whole life, I thought that I was too much, but that only made me be not enough when it came to you. I'm making a list now, a list for how to be a solid person. #3 is to live on my own. I was going to be petty and make Damian tell me to leave, but being petty doesn't really go with my whole Solid Person vibe. Believe me, I wish it did.