Re: Sonrisa: Sam A & Cris M
Sam hadn't been the kind of kid that tried to hurt herself. She'd never had much darkness to her, yeah? Young, with Al, she'd never been into hurt or pain or whatever. Even before Ian and Micah, early with Neil, she'd been loud as fuck about not getting why people would dig being hurt. Fuck, even with Cris on that sidewalk, yeah? Way back in New York, and him cracking his skull against a wall, and she hadn't got that it wasn't something to call every fucking medical agency for it. This was new, and it was some kind of escalation of the rocking or something, some new desire to feel present by hurting herself. That new therapist had asked, yeah? If she liked to hurt herself, and Sam had said no, because she didn't see the question and THIS as things that were related. Sam, she wasn't very fucking smart about herself. If he told her about the nails, she would worry. Like HELLA worry, and wasn't that hypocritical bullshit?
But she didn't think him talking was crushing her truths or anything. She didn't ask him to listen or whatever because of that. She knew he did it because it was his thing, yeah? Countering all the bad shit that she thought about herself, and she loved him for that. But she knew she'd made a serious fucking mess of this. She wasn't completely dumb, yeah? What if Iris told someone he hurt her? What then? What happened? Because he couldn't go to fucking jail. She'd already gotten him in so deep in bad stuff, and now there was this.
This. His fingers, yeah? Cold and paint coated, and it made her listen, that touch. He started with 'I love you,' and she ducked head shy, even while she was his canvas, and even when she should stay still for the paint on his fingertips. But, yeah, even losing it in the echo-empty room, she looked down through pale lashes. She listened too, yeah? Him painting her clavicles and throat, and she she shook her head when he mentioned Elena being some example. But she didn't interrupt, yeah? Because he'd listened, and now it was her turn to listen. Even if she needed to chew the fuck out of the inside of her cheek, while trying to keep quiet or whatever.
His fingers were sticky on white shirt over belly, and she reached down and tugged a couple buttons loose, so paint-stained white split over pale skin. Which made her blush too, that stupid kind of offering, in case he wanted to touch, yeah? And maybe he didn't, and so she reached down and dragged fingers through the blue-green he'd slathered on her thigh. She drew a circle around her bellybutton, and she was going to be good and let him finish talking, but he started about the bad things in people, the bad things in HIM, and it was only that kiss that kept her quiet.
And even that quiet only lasted a few fucking seconds, as did the kiss, because, nah, man. No, no, no. "You AREN'T bad." She huffed through her nose. "I didn't want to bother you, ok? That's it. I just don't want to be this fucking thing you got to take care of all the time. I'm nuts! I know I am. I'm a fucking mess, and I can't handle anything, and my head's messed up. That's me, and I want to NOT BE THAT for you. It isn't even you getting tired of me, yeah? It's not even that. It's that it's not good for you. It makes shit like TODAY happen, and today you think you're bad and like your dad and destructive, and that only happened because I'm a dumbfuck. You're going to say no or something, but it's true, papi." She shook her head sad. "It's not that you don't make me stronger, and it's not that I don't want you to help me, but I want to do shit myself. I want to be someone that helps you, yeah? Not someone that makes shit a fucking mess. I want to be strong enough to sit my ass down in the fog, and to not lose my mind. I want to make everyone else's shit ok, or to manage it, or something, but I CAN'T. I could once. But now Iris is going to be a fucking freak about everything, and Meredith is being weird, and Lou is being fucking Lou, and you're upset, and I did all that. ME. Because I couldn't handle a little fucking fog." She reached for the nearest brush, and she fucking CHUCKED IT.