Re: Home: Iris/Manning
[It was a war inside her head. One that had calmed for a while. One whose sides could never find a resolution. She wanted to be there, with Manning and TJ. Part of their lives. She could even (in entirely fanciful moments that she tried to avoid) see the way a future could map out for them. That, she knew Manning would say, was the important part, the part to listen to. But the other part was broken and vocal. It was the part of her that was misshapen and insidious, twisting things in ways they shouldn't be twisted. The part that would get people hurt. That was the part that her parents would see put under "full time care", and she didn't always have it in her to think that they were wrong about it.
She wanted, but she was convinced that she couldn't - shouldn't have. It was somehow different when they were still pretending that she had no connection to TJ other than baked goods and living in the same house. Though moving in was likely a step she never should have taken. It was a step too close, with her disaster of a life, and she'd known it could - would - spread to them. Her breath went shallow with all the thoughts (the ones that she'd been holding off for so long) of things that could go wrong.
And past that, coming on the heels of Manning's confession - wanting more - was the thought of how he deserved better. Both he and TJ did, but for him she could see a different sort of life. One with a partner who was a partner, who didn't require the sort of constant care she did. She could see him with a farm and with animals. She could see him (though it sent a jealous spike through her chest) with someone who could grow his family. He was so good with TJ, and she knew he would be just as good with more kids. And the world should have families with parents who were good for their kids, not just people who happened to have children. Thoughts of him with babies, with older kids - even with teenagers hitting that particularly rocky time in life. She wanted that for him, not to be some sort of nurse to a broken disaster. She knew that he wouldn't be able to build one while still tied to the other.
The thoughts were like waves in the ocean, ones she remembered from a long-ago trip to the beach with her family. One had knocked her down, still in shallow water. Nothing dangerous, though they were timed such that another one was on her every time she made it almost to her feet again. She knew it had looked funny, a slapstick sort of comedy, but all she'd known was that she couldn't figure out how to get out. It had taken one of her brothers coming over, solid on his feet, and grabbing her around the waist to put her back on her feet. And that was the way her thoughts felt, one after another with no chance to find her balance. And though Manning had her around the waist, the thoughts kept coming.
It took until she tried to say something before she realized she was crying. Chest painfully tight, breath wet with tears. She shook her head. She could get any words out.]